“What about you, Cody? Have you been enjoying your time with Andy as much as Adin?” she asked.
Cody rolled his eyes. “I don’t think anyone enjoys anything as much as Adin…but yeah. It’s been cool. Tim’s been cool too, actually. He said I can have next week off for football camp like we talked about. Said he’d even drive me every day so you don’t have to.”
Susan suppressed her smile this time. She didn’t want Cody to know she was so pleased with his admission about Tim. He was a nice guy, with a kind, honest heart. The more time Susan spent around him, the more she’d grown to trust him. Having both of her boys say nice things about him meant the world to her.
“That’s great,” Susan said.
“Yeah. Did you know Tim played football for Iowa in college?” Cody asked.
“I didn’t. We haven’t really had a chance to talk about his life much with all the work we had to do to sort things out with the bank.” Susan took a bite of her spaghetti, closing her eyes and savoring it as she chewed.
She’d missed finding pleasure in eating. Thus far in her pregnancy she’d been so nauseated that nothing sounded good at all, and if she did manage to find something appetizing to eat, it didn’t stay down very long. She wondered if it was just a coincidence that all of those symptoms had started to fade when Tim arrived, or if him being here had made a difference in how she was feeling.
“Well, you should talk to him sometime. He had some really great stories about his glory days.” Cody twisted more spaghetti noodles around his fork before shoving another bite in his mouth. He slurped up the noodles that didn’t quite make it in, and the sound made Adin giggle.
“Cody...” Susan warned.
She didn’t even have to speak the rest of her admonition before Cody said, “Sorry, Mom.”
Even though Susan wanted her boys to have good manners, hearing Adin’s laugh, and listening to Cody talk about something that made him happy meant more to her than the best manners could have. In that moment, the gaping hole where Clarence’s presence used to be, ached less. It would always be there. Nothing could fill it. Nothing could ever make her forget about it, but there were things that made it hurt a little less. She was learning to live with a piece of herself missing. She was functioning—even with that big empty space reminding her she wasn’t whole.
Tim stopped by Susan’s on his way home from the fields one evening in the middle of July. It had been a little over a month since he’d arrived at The White River Ranch to start rehabbing it, and he was surprised how quickly he and his hands had been able to turn things around. He credited their progress to the way Clarence and the previous ranch manager had run the place.
If Susan would have been in a position to stay on top of things, there wouldn’t have been any need for Tim to be there. He felt like a low life for being a tiny bit grateful that because Susan had been suffering from such intense morning sickness, that hadn’t been the case. Obviously he didn’t ever wish for her to have to endure hard things like that, but it had created a need for help. And because of that, he’d gotten to know her two awesome boys, and found the woman he never would have known he needed in his life.
“Hey, Tim. What can I do for you?” Susan asked when she opened the door.
Tim took off his weathered work hat and twisted it in his hands. “Susan, I know it hasn’t been that long since I got here, and I promised myself I’d wait for you to ask, but I can’t stop thinking about—”
Susan put her hand up, a mischievous smile spreading across her lips. “Tim, would you like to go on a date with me?”
Tim pointed his hat at her. “You—” His lips curved into a roguish smile that matched Susan’s.
Her eyes grew big in faux-surprised innocence. “What? Is that not what you were here to ask?”
Tim shook his head. “It was, but are you sure you’re really ready? I don’t want to push you.”
The energy between them shifted, and Tim could feel the heavy, somber reflection Susan was taking. After a moment she said, “You’re not pushing me. You’ve never pushed. I feel comfortable with you, and this might just be us hanging out alone as friends for a while, but I need that. Besides, the boys told me I should get to know you better.”
“Did they now?” Tim asked. He was surprised to hear that. Cody was warming up to him, but Tim didn’t think they would have encouraged their mother to see him more. Not after the way things had started out.
“They did. Quite a while ago, actually. I’ve been biding my time until I felt good about it, and now I do.” Susan shrugged.
Tim rocked back on his heels. “Well, good.”
Susan nodded, still smiling. “Good.”
They were both silent for a while. Tim was basking in the feeling that their relationship was finally going to progress. “So, I was thinking maybe I could make dinner for you at my place? Tomorrow night?”
“Okay,” Susan said, leaning her head against the door frame. “Tomorrow night.”
That evening, Tim couldn’t get Susan’s dreamy eyes, or contented smile out of his head. The guys had invited him over for dinner, but he wasn’t paying attention to any of their banter. All he could think about was finally having some time alone with the woman he’d fallen for. He wanted a chance to prove to her that he would be the husband she needed if she’d just give him a shot.
“Hi,” Susan said when Tim answered the door. It was the night of their date, and Susan was standing on his front porch half-disbelieving that she was actually doing this, and half-excited she was doing this.
Tim just stared at her for a moment. “Hey.”
Susan smiled. “Can I, uh—can I come in?”
It seemed her question brought him back to earth, because he jumped a little, then stepped to the side and opened the door wider. “Yes! Of course! Please, come in.”
He threw the dishtowel he’d been holding over his shoulder, then showed her to the table which was set for two. She suddenly remembered how cheap all the furniture in that house was. Unfortunately, they’d gone through a lot of ranch managers over the years, and several years ago one of them had stolen all of the furniture that used to be in there. She and Clarence had decided to replace it with thrift-store finds, and that explained why the chair she sat down on was so rickety.
“Dinner will be out in just a minute. What would you like to drink?” Tim asked.
Susan looked down at her growing belly. “Just water. Thanks.”
“Are you sure? I’ve got sparkling cider, milk, three kinds of juice, and caffeine free Pepsi, all for you,” Tim offered.
Susan put her a hand over her heart. “All for me? Gosh. I guess I better have some sparkling cider. I haven’t had any in ages, but it sounds delicious.”
“Coming right up.”
After Susan took the first bite of the beef tenderloin Tim had prepared, she couldn’t hold in her praise. “Oh, my goodness. This is amazing. Where’d you learn how to cook like this?”
“My old boss, Tommy, was a great cook. He showed me how to use his smoker, and after the first few times I was completely hooked. It makes every type of meat taste like it was cooked for hours. I’ll never go back to using a normal grill or cooking meat on the stove,” Tim explained.
Susan swallowed. “I don’t blame you. I might ask you to smoke some chicken breasts for me to use in different recipes throughout the week.”
“I’d be happy to.” Tim was cutting another piece of meat, but he looked up at her and smiled. “I’m glad you like it.”
“So, what else are you good at that I don’t know about?” Susan asked.
“Hmm. I can think of a few things.” Tim winked.
Susan rolled her eyes. “How ‘bout you tell me something you’re interested in that I wouldn’t guess.”
Tim looked off into the distance as he chewed. Once he swallowed he said, “I like to read. Books are pretty much the only thing I brought with me from Firestone Falls.”
Susan nodded. “You’re right.
I never would have guessed that. What’s your favorite book?”
“Lonesome Dove. Hands down.”
“What?” Susan gasped. “How can that be? Did you read the ending?”
Tim chuckled. “Yeah. That’s one of the reasons why I love it so much. In life, things don’t always end the way you want them to. You don’t get all the answers.”
Susan looked down at her plate. “That’s the truth,” she said without looking up.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
“No, no. It’s okay,” she said. “I don’t want you to filter your thoughts because of me. I can handle comments about endings and death without it sending me into a tailspin. They just prick my heart still, but I think that will always be the case.”
“Well, let’s talk about beginnings then. How did you and Clarence meet?” Tim asked.
Susan smiled. She would always be happy when someone gave her a chance to talk about Clarence. She hoped people never stopped asking about him. She was afraid of the day when people would no longer bring him up. She didn’t want to be the only one left who would carry on his memory.
“Clarence and I were both in foster care growing up. His mother had given him up when he was four after getting pregnant young and realizing she just couldn’t take care of him anymore, and my parents couldn’t stay sober long enough to get me back from the state. We ended up in the same foster home when we were thirteen.”
“Wow.” Tim rubbed the back of his neck. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Most people are surprised to hear it. I think a lot of people believe that foster kids will be dysfunctional for life unless they are adopted by a stable family. It’s probably true for most kids, but Clarence and I had each other, and I think that helped us make it through relatively unscathed.” Susan took a sip of her sparkling cider, the bubbles tickling her throat.
“Were you in the same foster home until you got married?” Tim asked.
“Oh, no. We were actually only together for four months. Only long enough to form a bond that neither of us really understood. He moved to a different foster home, and I stayed in that one for a couple more years. We wrote, though.” If Susan really focused, she could still feel the excitement she had experienced when she found a letter in the mailbox addressed to her. She would trace her finger over Clarence’s name, and wonder what it was like where he was, and if he was thinking of her as much as she thought of him.
“You wrote a lot, then?”
“Yeah. Not as much when we were younger, just enough to keep a connection. Once we were in high school we’d send a letter almost every week, though. I wish I would have had the sense to keep them. I have a few from our senior year, but I threw the rest out.” Susan pushed the food she hadn’t eaten around on her plate. For once, thinking about Clarence hadn’t caused her to lose her appetite. She was just full. Baby was taking up so much room now, she couldn’t eat as much as she used to.
“So, did you guys get married right out of high school?” Tim was leaning forward, showing great interest in what Susan had to say. It was nice to hold the attention of another adult that way. Being out on the ranch had isolated Susan, and she hadn’t really noticed until Clarence had passed away. He’d been her best friend—her only friend besides Cynthia, really—and she hadn’t ever thought to worry about that until he wasn’t around anymore.
She thought about the day Clarence proposed, and it made her smile again. “Yes, we did. We were sick of not having any real family, so we wanted to at least have each other. Clarence made sure we still went to college, though. It was a little weird being married so young when so many of our classmates were single, but it was also comforting.”
Tim started to clear off the table, but Susan kept talking. “We didn’t want kids at first—for obvious reasons. Neither one of us wanted them to end up in foster care like us. It took a long time for us to feel secure enough to even think about expanding our family. We both graduated from Mizzou and found jobs in Houston—Missouri, not Texas.
“We were making good money, but Clarence still had the dream of starting his own ranch. He’d always wanted to be his own boss, and he was passionate about agriculture. We found this property for sale, and the pieces fell into place perfectly for us to buy it.
“After that, it took a while to start making a profit, and Clarence was nervous for the first five years or so.”
“That’s understandable, considering your history,” Tim said.
Susan nodded. “On my twenty-ninth birthday I told him all I wanted was a baby. We were doing well with the cattle, we’d built this house, and I thought it was time. A few months later I found out I was expecting Cody.”
Tim sat back down across from her, and rested his elbows on the table. “What an incredible story,” he said. “I want to say I can’t believe you waited eleven years after you got married to have kids, but I’ve waited my whole life to get married, so I can’t talk.”
“Yeah, why did you wait so long?” Susan asked.
“I’ll answer that in a second, but first, do you want dessert? I love a bowl of vanilla ice cream after a meal like that,” he said.
“Sure.”
While Tim dished up their ice cream, he told her how he’d always been satisfied by his work. He’d never felt the pull to get married, and he’d basically become part of Tommy and Jean Firestone’s family since he started working at their ranch right out of college. He’d been fulfilled by those six little girls calling him Uncle Tim, and watching them grow up.
“Didn’t being around them make you want kids of your own, though?” Susan asked before taking a bite of her dessert.
“Honestly, I didn’t really think about it. I didn’t go out to meet women. I think that interest piques once you fall in love, and I never gave myself the opportunity,” Tim explained.
“When Jean died, I saw how hard it was for Tommy, and that’s when I realized I didn’t want to die alone. I didn’t want to pass from this life without knowing that kind of love. I figured I was too old for dating, especially in a small town like Summer Springs, so I contacted Dr. Lachele, and here we are.”
Susan shook her head, a shy smile on her face. “Here we are.”
“You’ve got something, just there,” Tim said as he reached across the table.
Susan’s stomach danced as his warm finger wiped a bit of ice cream from the corner of her mouth, and her chest filled with heat when he let his hand linger on her cheek.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered as he stared into her eyes.
Susan was entranced by him, and no matter how many times the thought came to her that she should look away, she just couldn’t. Finally, she closed her eyes, not wanting to have to fight against how wonderful it felt to be in Tim’s company.
The next thing Susan felt was Tim’s lips on hers, and it shocked her. She opened her eyes wide, and the vulnerable piece of her that had been exposed moments before closed like a steel trap.
“What are you doing?” she asked as she recoiled.
“I’m sorry, I thought—” he started.
“No.” Susan shook her head, and touched her fingers to her mouth. “No, no, no.” She slid her chair back and stood. “I have to go.”
“Please, don’t go. I’m sorry. I misread the situation. I should have asked you first,” Tim said as he followed her to the door.
“Yes, you should have,” she said as she walked down his front steps.
“Let me give you a ride back to your house. Please?”
Home was almost a mile away, so Susan strongly considered his offer, but she was so upset she just couldn’t take him up on it. “I’m fine to walk,” she said. Luckily it was still light out, and she silently thanked the heavens for long summer nights.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be around Tim—that was the exact reason why she had to go. The fact was, she’d wanted him to kiss her. She’d been thinking about it the entire time they’d been talking, but wanting it, and exper
iencing it ended up being very different. It took Tim’s lips on hers to make her realize that she still wasn’t ready.
Tim was amazing, and he’d been a great friend to her, but kissing him felt like she was cheating on Clarence’s memory. Especially right after she’d just spent so much time talking about him. She knew if she spent more time with Tim she’d end up wanting more kisses, because despite her guilt about it, she’d liked it. And that was normal! He was her husband, after all. What wasn’t normal were her guilty feelings. Those weren’t fair to Tim. She needed to get her head on straight before she hurt him.
Seven
Every time Tim drove past Susan’s house, he felt sick about the way she’d left after their kiss. He’d wanted to follow her home that night and apologize as many times as it took for her to start acting normal around him again, but he had a feeling she just needed space. Giving her that space sounded like a simple solution, but when all he could think about was being near her, it made staying away difficult.
Each day that passed with silence from Susan seemed to drag on forever. Tim would check his phone every chance he got, hoping to see a message with her name on it, but he was disappointed over and over again. After a week went by he started to wonder why he’d ever agreed to marry a woman who was so deeply injured.
Not that he was faulting Susan for the way things were going. Now that he’d been around for a while, he realized he should have expected things to be this way. She was a grieving widow, after all. There had been no way for him to know ahead of time how quickly he would fall for Susan, though. Being so close to her, but not being able to be with her wouldn’t have been difficult if he didn’t already love her so much.
She was everything he’d ever wanted in a woman, and he so badly wanted to tell her that, but even a simple kiss had sent her into a tailspin. He couldn’t imagine what a proclamation of love would do. No, it was better to keep those thoughts to himself. He couldn’t risk pushing her further away. Even if it was excruciating to give her the space she needed, he’d stay away if it meant that he wouldn’t lose her completely.
Besotted in Branson: An At the Altar Story Page 6