Nate chanced a quick glance at the clock.
In spite of Jeff and Angie’s company, dinner had been one tense ordeal he just wanted over. When Mia had come into the kitchen and saw him there, her face fell. Then, when Nico had come to his side and leaned against him again, her eyes grew hard.
Wasn’t difficult to imagine what ran through her head. He eased Nico away, tried to make his excuses and leave, but both Evangeline and Denny had insisted he stay.
He knew it would look ungracious to refuse especially after he’d kept his distance the past few days at suppertime, so this time he stayed. But all through the meal he felt far too aware of Mia and Nico sitting across from him and the tension coiling her as tight as a filly.
“For a first appointment, it went pretty good,” Mia continued, wiping some food off one of the twins face. The other one, Dimples, was reaching out to Josh, who was laughing at her. “Nico drew a whole bunch of pictures. He did a great job.” The look she gave her son created an unwelcome ache in Nate’s heart. She managed to make each of her kids feel important and loved. His mother couldn’t even do that with one kid.
“Did you want to show us your pictures?” Evangeline asked.
Nico shook his head, but then, to his surprise, looked over at Nate, his dark eyes intent. As if seeking something from him.
Sorry, buddy. Your mom doesn’t want me near you and I don’t blame her.
Nate wiped his mouth with the napkin. Time to go. “May I be excused?” he asked, picking up his plate.
“Of course, but we’re not quite done.” Denny pointed at the large book lying on the buffet against the wall of the kitchen.
Of course. Every evening after supper, Denny’s family read the Bible and prayed. Nate felt foolish. Though he had been reading the Bible himself, he’d forgotten about this particular Norquest family ritual. So he sat down again, folded his arms over his chest, and while trying not to look at Mia, waited for everyone else to finish their dinner.
When everyone was done Denny set the Bible on the table and glanced around. “Evangeline and I have been reading from Romans,” he said. “So I’ll just carry on, if that’s okay with our guests.”
His question was purely rhetorical. No one said anything so he opened the Bible to the bookmark, cleared his throat and began.
“‘In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness,’” he read. “‘We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.’”
Nate’s heart stilled as the words hooked into his heart. God works for the good of those who love Him.
He remembered Denny’s mother saying those words to him as he sat, staring out over the ranch after telling her what he’d had to deal with at the hands of his stepfather. How she told him that if we trust in God, nothing in our life was wasted. He didn’t believe her, but over time, as he fell into the rhythm of life on the Norquest ranch, he wondered if God hadn’t used the circumstances of his life to bring him here.
Then the Norquests died and Denny got married and then divorced. The ranch was sold and Nate was on his own again with the bitter reminder of what happens when you let people too close.
A movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention. Mia had lifted her hand, pressing her fingers against her lips, furrowing her brows, as if she, too, was trying to figure out how God would work everything for her good. One of the twins, “Dimples,” he called her to keep her straight from the other, squawked and Mia immediately reached over and smoothed her hand over the little girl’s head, an unconscious gesture.
Then, as if she sensed his attention, she looked over. He saw uncertainty in her expression and worry, and for a moment he wished he could ease all that away.
You’re not that guy, he reminded himself. You don’t know how to take care of kids and she doesn’t want you around hers.
With a start Nate realized Denny had finished reading. He looked down and folded his hands, aware of the next step, promising himself, and God, that this time he would pay attention.
“Dear Lord,” Denny prayed, “Thank You for this meal and that we could be here around this table safe and healthy. We continue to pray for Mia and her family. We ask that You will watch over them and restore them back to their home. Be with all of us who are searching for home. May we know that only in You, who works for our good, can we find our true home. Amen.”
Nate kept his head bowed a moment longer, wondering if Denny was alluding to him with that last sentence. Nate knew he had drifted far from the faith introduced to him by his foster family. But he also knew the years he’d spent drifting around were an unspoken searching for a place he felt he could belong.
But not yet, he told himself. Not yet. He had goals he wanted to meet. Things he wanted to do.
Prove to your stepfather that you can actually amount to something? That you’re not the useless boy he had accused you so often of being?
Nate dismissed the pernicious thought as he got up from the table. His stepfather was dead and he didn’t have to prove anything to anyone. He gathered up his and Denny’s plates, and brought them to the sink where Evangeline was already working.
“Would you mind if I excuse myself?” Nate asked. “I want to check on my horses.”
“They okay?” Evangeline asked. “I thought you spent most of the day with them.”
“Yeah. But...” His excuse fizzled off as he looked over at Mia, who was watching him as if she was trying to figure him out. He held her gaze for a split second longer than he should have, feeling once again that faint quiver of attraction.
He turned back to Evangeline, who gave him an arch smile. “Of course. You go check on your horses. And you’ll have to join us again for supper tomorrow. It was nice to have you here tonight.”
Nate doubted he would. Hamburgers and pizza in Rockyview was probably on the menu until he could leave. And the sooner that happened, the better.
He slipped his cowboy boots on and stepped outside into the cool evening air. The sun was setting behind the mountains, pulling the warmth of the day with it. He took a long, deep breath, as if easing out the restlessness he could never completely shake and walked over to the barn. He just wanted to be around less complicated mammals. His horses and Socks didn’t need anything more from him than love, care and attention.
As he walked to the trailer, Socks joined him, trotting alongside, his tail waving like a plume.
“Good thing you’re not very complicated,” he said to his dog, who looked up at him with his large, trusting eyes.
Nate grinned then stepped into the trailer.
He grabbed the book he’d been reading, the book club book that Evangeline had given him. He took it and walked to the barn, settling on the straw-covered floor, his back resting against a couple of straw bales, his one hand on Socks and made an attempt at reading. But his eyes often drifted off the page as his mind slipped back to Mia. Nico.
His own situation.
Though he understood why Mia didn’t want him around Nico, her resistance still created an edge of stress. He liked the little guy and felt sorry for him. He would have liked to help him, though he wasn’t sure how.
Knowing Mia didn’t want him around made sense, but it still jarred.
Tango nickered, and Nate got up to see if he was okay.
His horse stood in the corner of the stall, his head down, obviously in pain. Nate stepped into the stall and walked toward his horse.
“Hey, guy. I’m sorry. If I’d paid attention I might have seen that semi before he cut us off,” he said quietly and gently, running his hands over Tango’s leg, checking the injury. “I know you count on me and I let you down. But I’ll help you get better and then we’re out of here,” he mur
mured. He gave Tango a final pat and stepped out of the pen. Socks whined and he saw Mia standing in the doorway.
She held a few pieces of paper in front of her, one corner of her mouth tucked between her teeth. The overhead light of the barn made her hair shine, made her eyes look larger and luminous.
Doe eyes, he thought, then dismissed the fanciful notion.
“Do you have a few minutes?” she asked.
“Minutes I’ve got lots of. You need some?” he asked, adding his own attempt at a grin. He seldom felt uncomfortable around women, but Mia put him on edge.
She held up the papers. “Nico drew these at our appointment with the therapist. I’d like your take on them.”
Nate took the papers, puzzled as to what she hoped he could contribute. A chill fingered down his neck as understanding dawned.
“Something tells me that I’m the guy in these pictures,” he said, flipping through them again.
Mia simply nodded.
“What is this supposed to mean?”
“Dr. Schuler thinks it shows a strong connection between you and Nico.” Mia paused, pressing her thumbs together.
Nate handed her back the sheaf of papers. “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I promised you I would stay away from him and I will.”
Mia bit her lip again as she took the pictures from him. “I realize that,” she said, “and I appreciate it, but Dr. Schuler thinks...he thinks...that we should capitalize on this attachment.”
Nate frowned at her. “What do you mean capitalize?”
Mia dropped down on the bale Nate had vacated a few moments ago, pressing the papers against her blouse. Socks went to sit beside her and to his surprise, Mia absently patted his head, then turned back to Nate.
“He suggested that I talk to you about spending time with Nico. Spending time with Nico and your horses,” she corrected. “He said that often animals are used in therapy situations. I know Denny doesn’t have the time, and Dr. Schuler didn’t think it would be as effective if it wasn’t you working with Nico and horses.”
“I can’t believe this therapist wants me to spend time with Nico,” Nate said. “I’m leaving as soon as my horse is better. Did you tell the guy that?”
Nate saw nothing but confusion in Mia’s chocolate-brown eyes. “I told him and I know I’m still right. But Dr. Schuler thinks the advantages of you working with Nico will outweigh the disadvantages of you leaving.”
Nate dropped his hands on his hips. “Doesn’t matter what he thinks. I agree with you that I’m not the right guy for this.”
“Why not?”
If he let himself get too caught up in this family, he would be too intertwined with Mia. Her kids. He wasn’t father material and he knew it.
“It’s not a good idea,” was his careful reply.
“I didn’t mean to imply that you would hurt Nico on purpose. I just wanted to make sure his heart didn’t get broken again. I was only thinking of his emotional well-being.”
“So am I.”
Mia looked down at Nico’s pictures and one by one, flipped through them as a light sigh slipped out. “I can take care of kids who throw up, kids who are teething, kids with a fever, kids who hurt themselves. I don’t know how to take care of this.” She stopped, and once again she pressed her fingertips to her lips. Holding back her sorrow.
Nate suspected Mia had done this often in her life. Held back, stayed strong.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, getting to her feet. “I hesitated asking because of what I said before. I feel so wishy-washy. I was just thinking of what’s best for Nico.” Her voice broke and Nate felt his heart flip.
He couldn’t stop himself. He laid his hand on her arm, stopping her. She turned to him, hope flaring in her eyes.
“So what did this doctor want me to do?” The words spilled out before he could stop them. “How did he think I could help Nico?”
The relief on Mia’s face eased his concerns.
“He told me that all you needed to do was let Nico spend some time with the horses. Ride them. Just be around them. Maybe he can help groom them if riding doesn’t work out.”
Nate pursed his lips and slowly exhaled. “Let me talk to the doctor and I’ll give you a better answer tomorrow.”
Mia nodded, her shoulders lowering as if she had been holding everything in until then. “That would be helpful. I’ll give you his number,” she said.
“I’m not promising anything,” Nate said, still unsure this was the right thing to do. “I’ll take this one step at a time.”
“Of course,” she said. “I realize that. Thank you. It doesn’t have to be every day. Just when you can.” She gave him a careful smile. A smile that didn’t help his resolve one bit.
As she walked away, her slight figure receding into the gathering darkness, Nate knew he had to be careful the next few days.
Because leaving was the only thing he knew how to do and when he left, he wanted it to be with his heart and soul intact.
“So, I decided.”
Nate stood in the doorway of the kitchen of Denny’s house the next morning, his hands on his hips, his hat with the telltale feather tucked into the band pulled low over his head as if to hide his features.
Mia shifted Grace on her hip, her heart pounding in her chest with a mixture of apprehension and...anticipation?
She suppressed that last emotion. This was about Nico. She had to put her own foolish attraction to Nate aside. Yesterday, after she had talked to Nate about working with Nico, she was torn. Part of her hoped he would say no. Yet seeing how Nico had been attached to him, another part of her hoped he would help.
“What did you decide?” Mia injected a casual tone in her voice, thankful Evangeline was in the bedroom getting Ella dressed.
“I called that doctor, Dr. Schuler, and spoke with him. He reiterated that Nico would benefit from whatever supervised time I can give him.” He dropped one shoulder and shifted his weight as if as uncomfortable about the situation as she was. “So I’ll help Nico. As much as it’s possible for me to do so in the time I’m here.”
Though she’d had her reservations about Nate and Nico, last night she had caught Nico sitting on his bed, staring out the window at the barn where the light was still on.
But she wasn’t sure Nate would follow through. Now he was here, agreeing and her emotions did a cartwheel of gratitude followed by an unwelcome sense of anticipation.
“Thank you so much,” was all she could say.
She could get through this. She just had to put her own foolish notions aside and keep her focus on her children.
“He said that you need to be there, too, and I agree,” Nate added. “Besides the obvious propriety, your presence will create an overarching connection for Nico. For when I leave.” He delivered that last sentence with a finality that underlined to Mia the utter foolishness of letting this man occupy even one tiny corner of her lonely soul.
“Of course. That makes sense.” Dr. Schuler had hinted at the same thing.
“I know it will be hard for you, what with the twins and all.” Nate’s gaze slipped to Grace, who burbled happily in Mia’s arms. Then he looked past her, took a few quick steps and grabbed Jennifer, who was standing up in her high chair. “Whoa, little girl. You almost fell.”
“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” Mia moved Grace to her other hip, holding out her free arm to take Jennifer from Nate. Guilt, a mother’s steady companion, raised its ugly head again. As her mother, she should have been the one that caught her, not Nate. “You can give her to me.”
“She’s okay,” Nate said, jiggling her in his arms. “Aren’t you, Dimples?”
Jennifer chuckled and reached for his cowboy hat, knocking it awry.
“I’ll take her,” Mia insisted, holding out her arm.
Nate gave her an odd look.
“Of course you will,” was Nate’s enigmatic reply, but he gave her up, anyway.
Mia ignored his comment
and set Jennifer on her other hip, adjusting their positions so they were more evenly balanced. They seemed to get heavier each day. The time would come when she wouldn’t be able to carry them both at the same time.
“So what time works best for you tomorrow?” Nate asked, stepping back, as if to give Mia some distance.
Mia mentally juggled her schedule. “The girls nap in the afternoon, so mornings will probably work best,” she said. “Then I can take them outside with me in the stroller.”
“Sure. Whatever will work for you. Or you could ask Evangeline to watch them,” Nate said, shifting his cowboy hat back straight.
Mia shook that suggestion off. “Evangeline can’t do it.”
“Can’t do what?” Evangeline asked as she slowly came down the stairs, leading Ella, who wore a bright pink, ruffled sundress, her fluffy sandy-colored hair pulled up into two ribbon-tied ponytails. Mia compared Ella’s shining face and adorable outfit to her two ragamuffins. Her daughters wore oversize Onesies that had come in one of the many bags of donated clothes. Evangeline had given her what she could of Ella’s hand-me-downs, but Ella had been dropped into Denny’s life as a toddler and most of the clothes were still too big. All the twins’ cute, matching clothes had been burned up in the fire.
The thought created another clench of loss. How many more times would she go through this, Mia wondered, feeling as if she was starting all over. How many more losses would rear their ugly heads, reminding her again and again of her ordeal?
Though people had been helpful and generous, offering donations of furniture, bedding and household items, she didn’t need much of what was offered as long as she stayed at Evangeline and Denny’s. However, her other reality was all her memories, all her own “things” were lost to her. Pictures of the children, her computer, toys she had lovingly purchased.
She shook the maudlin thoughts off. She had other things to deal with right now.
“Mia is saying you can’t watch the twins,” Nate was saying to Evangeline.
“Of course I’ll watch the girls,” Evangeline said, her attention on Ella as the toddler carefully navigated the last step down. “I’m not going to town until later on this morning.”
Ever Loving Page 6