“I wanted you, Carly! I fucking wanted you so badly. But I thought you were done with me.”
Tears blurred her eyes, and she swiped at them with a shaky hand. “I know that now. But Tory was gone; you were gone. I had nobody to talk to. I was all alone at school.” Her chest constricted. “I was a mess for weeks while I tried to figure out what to do. When I was finally able to think clearly enough to make a decision, I realized how much I wanted the baby. I was worried that if I’d tracked you down, it would seem like a ploy, something out of a bad movie where the ex comes up pregnant and tries to trap a guy.”
“I’d never think that of you.”
“I know! But I was hurt. It took me a minute to figure that out. When I finally came to that realization, I was going to try to track you down, but then I miscarried. I don’t know if it was stress or just not meant to be, but it doesn’t matter why it happened.”
“Christ,” he ground out between gritted teeth, and hauled her into his arms again. “I should have been there.”
“None of that matters now.”
“It all matters. You must have told your parents. Did they help you through it?”
“I went home when school was over, but I never told anyone. It was too painful to talk about, and I knew everyone would blame you, and that would have been wrong.” She looked up at him, still in the circle of his arms, and said, “We were both there that night, and I’m the one who left without a word.”
“You didn’t have to protect me. All these years, you’ve carried that burden alone?”
“I’ve never told my friends or my parents, but eventually I talked to a therapist, and that helped a lot.”
He sighed, clearly relieved. “Good. I’m glad. But I still wish you had told me, even after the fact.”
“Every time I thought about finding you, it was just too much, too sad. I didn’t want to do that to you because nothing could change the outcome. Nothing good could have come from it.”
“I could have been there to help you through it. I would have come back. You shouldn’t have had to go through that alone.”
The regret and sincerity in his voice told her it was true. He would have come back. She believed that now with her whole heart, but it didn’t change what she believed then. She pushed from his arms as more hurtful truths spilled out. “How could I have known that? You’d let me suffer alone before.”
Anguish rose in his eyes. “I thought I was saving you from more heartache when I left. I fucked up. I get it, and I will forever regret it. But tonight, when I told you that I knew in Mexico I had made a mistake and I wanted to try again, I meant it. You don’t have to believe me when I say I would have come back, and I don’t blame you for not trusting me to be there for you back then. I’m a lot of things, Carly, and I’ve made big mistakes in my life, but I have never lied to you.”
Their painful past swept in like a vulture, digging its talons in. She lifted her chin as fresh tears slid down her cheeks and said, “You once told me you’d love me forever.”
“That was not a lie,” he said adamantly. “I have loved you since we were kids, and I will love you until the day I die. I have never felt anything even remotely close to what I feel for you for anyone else.” His chest rose with his deep inhalation, anguish rising in his eyes, as real as the ground beneath his feet. “How could I, when I left my heart in your hands? I have nothing left to give. Except to you, Carly. Only to you.”
Years of heartache from feeling lost, from convincing herself he didn’t love her, telling herself she hated him for leaving when her love had never dimmed, crashed over her, drawing fresh sobs.
“I’m sorry,” he choked out. “Damn it, Carls. I’m so fucking sorry.”
He gathered her in his arms, and she went willingly, burying her face in his chest as her tears fell.
He kissed her forehead, holding her tighter. “I wish I’d done things differently. I wish so many things. God, can you ever forgive me?” He stroked her back, whispering apologies, the sorrow in his voice drawing more tears. “I’m sorry for how I left, for not coming back for you, for Mexico, for the baby we lost…the years we lost.”
His heartfelt words went on and on as they stood beneath the stars, letting it all go. He didn’t rush her, didn’t make her feel bad for falling apart, because he was falling apart, too, pouring his heart out in supportive, loving words. She had no idea how long they stood there, but he held her until he had no more words to say and she had no more tears to cry.
Eventually they threw out the wine bottle and made their way back to the blanket. Zev kept his arm around her. Even after everything they’d gone through, he still felt more like home than any person, place, or thing, ever had.
He kept her close when they sat on the blanket, running his hand down her back, threading his fingers through her hair, and kissing her temple, all the while apologizing and making promises in the dark—not to hurt her again, to make it up to her, to earn her forgiveness. Every word healed an ache, filled an empty spot. When they fell silent, letting the cool evening air wash away all the years of sadness, Carly realized why she’d never told anyone close to her about being with Zev in Mexico, or about the pregnancy. Zev was the only one she needed to tell. He was the salve to her wounds, the love that filled her lonely heart.
He was the only person who could make her feel whole again.
He brushed his lips over her temple and said, “I feel like I’ve been gutted, learning about what you went through after Mexico, and I’m sure what I’m feeling isn’t even half as awful as it was for you when it happened. I wish I could take all your pain away.”
“You are taking it away.” She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, soaking in his support. “I’ve held that secret for so long, I didn’t realize how much it was weighing on me. I feel a lot better having told you. I hated keeping a secret from you, and I know that’s crazy after all that we’ve been through, but it’s the truth. I know now that what happened was probably for the best. I was in no position to raise a child, and I doubt you were, either.”
“That’s probably true, but I still wish I could have been there for you.”
She studied his face for a quiet moment, and it was all there looking back at her. The truth of how tortured he’d been by leaving, how much more he wanted in Mexico, and even the love he still had for her. “Knowing what I do now about how you felt in Mexico, I wish you had been, too. We’ve both made big mistakes.”
“I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in the last two hours.”
“Is that good or bad?” Please say good.
“It’s good, Carls.” He caressed her cheek, pressed a kiss to the freckles on the bridge of her nose. “I’ve been wanting to do that since the wedding.”
When they were younger, she was insecure about those freckles, but he’d always loved them. She wanted to climb into his arms and let him kiss her worries away, but she was still confused, wanting to let him in and scared to do it.
“Where do we go from here, Zevy?”
“I don’t have all the answers,” he said softly. “But does that mean you want there to be a we?”
She smiled. “You say that like I have a choice.”
“You always have a choice, Carls.”
She shook her head. “Not when it comes to you.”
“Am I allowed to gloat over that?” He laughed softly, hugging her against his side, and said, “I’m only here until Sunday. We’ve got six days to figure out what this is. I know I’ve made bad decisions in the past, but I will do everything within my power not to hurt you again. You said you’ve changed, and I want to learn about all those changes. I want to get to know the person you’ve become, and I’d like for you to get to know the man I’ve become. What do you say? Will you give us a shot?”
Her heart said yes! but she’d learned to listen to her head. “I’m scared to spend time with you. I already feel myself falling back into us. I really loved us.”
“I loved
us, too,” he said tenderly.
That made her tear up again, but these were happy tears. She blinked rapidly to keep them at bay and said, “Honestly, I think I’m more scared of not spending time with you. I know what life is like without you, and no matter how far I’ve come or how many friends I make, something’s always missing.”
“Thank God,” he whispered, full of relief. “I have always felt that way. That’s the power of us, Carls. You’ve always been the treasure, and without you I’m just an empty chest, hoping for a shot at more. We’ve got six days, babe.”
“My life is here; yours isn’t. Six days can only lead to heartache.”
“We can’t know that. I’m not that broken, stupid kid anymore, Carly. Believe it or not, I’m a pretty smart guy with a much clearer perspective on life than I had back then.”
That’s the problem. It’s too easy to fall in love with grown-up you.
“We can figure this out. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing scenario, does it?” He caressed her cheek and said, “Where’s the spontaneous always-up-for-an-adventure girl I fell for all those years ago?”
She shrugged, unsure if that girl still existed and trying to rein in her hopes that six days could really lead to more.
“That girl showed up here tonight, Carly. She’s in there somewhere, stuck beneath the hurt and worries of our pasts.” He brushed his thumb lightly over her lips, spreading heat through her like wildfire. “Six days could set her free.”
Oh, how she wanted to believe him!
She clung to his words like a lifeline, and later that evening, after he walked her to her truck and kissed her so tenderly it felt like the first time, only better, she drove home and curled up beneath her blankets feeling a little less lonely as she let his words carry her off to sleep.
Chapter Seven
THE COUNTER CUT into the backs of Carly’s knees, but the pain only added to the pleasure as Zev pounded into her. Afternoon sunlight flooded the kitchen, and the devilish grin on his face made her want him even more desperately. She should have shut the kitchen door to the shop, but when his mouth hit hers, she hadn’t thought of anything but wanting more. Thank goodness Birdie was busy with customers. He thrust harder, faster, and she fisted her hands in his hair, guiding his mouth to her neck. His teeth grazed her as he sucked her flesh. She gritted her teeth to keep from moaning as pleasure stacked up inside. Zev hauled her just over the edge of the counter, holding her ass with both hands, his hips jackhammering, burying himself so deep she could feel him in her throat. Every stroke of his cock sent her closer to the edge. The bells over the front door chimed, and panic gripped her. She tore her mouth away. “Hurry!” Zev crushed his mouth to hers just as Cutter’s voice rang out. “Carly?”
Shit! Her eyes slammed shut, and Cutter called her name again, his voice closing in on them just as the orgasm crashed over her, and she screamed, “I’m coming!”
She bolted upright, gasping for air. Her heart thundered as she looked frantically around her bedroom. Holy shit. Her nightshirt was sweaty, her sex pulsing and wet. She pressed her hand to her heart and closed her eyes, trying to process the fact that she’d just orgasmed from a dream. Where the hell had that come from? Her traitorous brain needed to calm the hell down.
She climbed out of bed on shaky legs and padded into the kitchen for a glass of water. Last night’s talk with Zev had been as difficult as it was cathartic, and it had made her feel freer than she’d felt in years. She’d held on to the hurt and anger from his leaving, and the guilt for sneaking away in Mexico, for so long that she felt like a different person without it, but this was ridiculous and a little scary.
It hadn’t been easy to bare their souls and move past the hurt, but once they’d cleared the air, it hadn’t been all that difficult to feel like Carls and Zevy again.
She looked at the glass in her hand. Water wasn’t the kind of drink she needed to calm her nerves. She used the bathroom and went back to bed, reliving and picking apart every word they’d said. Her mind kept circling back to one thought. If one night of clearing the air had this effect on her, what would six days do to her?
She lay there for a while longer, her pulse sprinting, her mind running in circles. Was she being silly? Six days was still only six days. The dream had just been a dream. A fantasy. That didn’t quite fit, because fantasies didn’t often come true, and she had no doubt that if she and Zev were alone, he’d end up buried eight inches deep. “Oh God…” Even her fantasies were reckless with him.
Zev’s devilish grin sailed into her mind, and she threw her covers off. If she stayed in bed, she’d probably end up having three more orgasms. As much as she needed them, she was not going to feed those fantasies. She needed to remember to protect her heart, which had spent most of her life either loving him or pretending not to. She forced herself out of bed, got ready for the day, and headed into the shop.
After an hour of checking emails, bookkeeping, and organizing specials for the next several days, Carly’s mind was still toying with her, drawing her into the world of what ifs, the world of her and Zev that she’d denied for so long. She dragged her chair into the closet in her office and climbed up so she could see the top shelf. Reaching behind the boxes of holiday decorations and office supplies, she retrieved a large box she’d cleverly marked RECEIPTS. She blew the dust off the top of the box and climbed off the chair. She pulled the chair back to her desk and sat down with the box in her lap. Her nerves prickled just thinking about the memories of her and Zev it held. All of their remember-when pictures: pictures they’d taken to commemorate their adventures and times with friends. She remembered all of their remember whens. When she’d first moved to Colorado, she couldn’t bear the thought of leaving them behind. But it was too hard to resist falling back into the memories, and she’d asked Marie if she could store them somewhere. Marie had put them in her attic, and when Marie sold her house, Carly had been doing so well, she feared if she brought the pictures into her house, she’d end up going through them again and slipping back into that dark place of wanting answers she might never get. She’d hidden them here in the supply closet and had never once looked in the box.
But now she had the answers she’d always wanted.
She lifted the lid with a shaky hand, and her eyes sailed over several pictures of her and Zev as kids playing in a sprinkler, climbing the side of a hill with Beau and Nick, and riding their bikes in front of Zev’s parents’ house. A lump formed in her throat, and she closed her eyes as memories flooded her. Her phone vibrated in her pocket, startling her. She quickly put the top back on the box, pulled her phone from her pocket, and saw Marie’s name on the screen. Marie had texted last week from Venezuela to say she was leaving in a few days to go to Nassau to stay in one of Treat Braden’s resorts.
Carly opened the text, feeling like she’d been caught with her hand in a cookie jar. A picture of Marie’s feet in the sand, with the ocean in the background, popped up with the message Loving Nassau! I think I might stay for a week or two. Taking my morning walk and thinking of you. How was the wedding? She hadn’t wanted to worry Marie, so she’d played it cool and hadn’t let on that she was nervous about possibly seeing Zev.
She thumbed out, The wedding was great! Everyone loved the chocolates.
Marie responded with, Of course they did! Anything interesting you want to talk about?
Carly knew she was fishing for news about Zev. She didn’t want to open that can of worms, so she typed, Not unless you want a blow-by-blow of Cutter dirty dancing with every girl in the place.
Her phone vibrated a second later with Marie’s text. I hope you got pictures! Guess where I’m going tonight?
Relieved Marie didn’t push, Carly typed, A luau?
Her phone vibrated seconds later. Zev’s name appeared in a message, and a nest of bees took flight in Carly’s stomach. She stared at his name, wide-eyed. It was barely six o’clock in the morning, but he’d always been an early riser. With her heart in he
r throat, she opened and read the message. Morning gorgeous. What’s your address? I’ll bring over milk to go with your Lucky Charms. We can ring in the new day together.
Her body came alive in celebration with no cognitive effort. She was far too excited about the idea of ringing in a new day with him and was surprised to find herself actually considering it. She could spare an hour. Couldn’t she? An hour alone with Zev at her house to…Her mind went straight to the bedroom.
This was not good.
Well, it would probably be sinfully good, but watching a sunrise with Zev would not be conducive to protecting her heart. She needed her house to remain a safe haven, someplace that held no physical memories of Zev. There was no way she would let him get his enticing scent all over her furniture or her sheets, which she had a feeling was where they’d end up if he came over.
Before she could respond, a text from Marie rolled in. A coconut bar on the beach! They serve all drinks in coconuts. I’m going to have breakfast with friends. Love you!
Leave it to Marie to have already found a group of friends. Carly imagined a handful of fiftysomething women talking about how much they don’t need men.
And neither do I.
It was true. Carly didn’t need a man. But there was no denying that she wanted Zev.
Six days means five potentially steamy nights…
She rolled her eyes at herself and typed, My house is a no-Zev zone, and I need to keep it that way.
His reply came quickly. I’m in you, Carls, and you’re in me. I’ve been there with you all along.
The bells above the front door chimed, and Birdie’s voice rang out. “I’m here, and you’re supposed to be mattress dancing with Zev!”
Shit! Carly grabbed the box and hurried into the closet to hide it. Then she went to greet Birdie and bury herself in work.
CARLY’S NERVOUS ENERGY came in handy. By early afternoon she had accomplished twice as much as usual. Birdie was in rare form, rambling on about social media, the upcoming festival, happenings at the ranch, and about a dozen other things. Carly kept up pretty well, at least until another text from Zev rolled in, which had stopped her cold, turning Birdie and the customers to white noise.
Searching For Love – the Bradens & Montgomerys (Pleasant Hill – Oak Falls) Page 9