by Mikaela Bley
‘But Mum, you weren’t even there.’
‘No. Didrik.’
‘Didrik? What does he have to do with this?’
‘He saw the way you were quarrelling and how you pushed Elsa down under the water. He heard the two of you shrieking, and then how it got quiet. He saw you come up from the shore. You didn’t do it on purpose. It was a game that got out of control. A terrible accident.’
‘But why didn’t Didrik tell that to the police? Why did he lie about the birds and …?’
‘Because he understood what the truth would have done to you. He’s obsessed with you. He always has been. No one wished you harm. It was so terrible that we’d lost Elsa, and we didn’t want to lose you, too. You wouldn’t have been able to handle the truth. It was for your sake.’
‘You’re all out of your minds.’ She thought about what Kjell Thulin had told her, how he’d sensed that someone was lying. ‘Was that why you drugged me? Thulin told me everything.’
Margareta nodded.
Her fingers were tingling. She rummaged for the sleeping pills in her bag. Took two and swallowed them without water. ‘Don’t touch me,’ she said when Margareta took her hand. ‘I don’t understand. How?’
‘When we came home that night and Elsa wasn’t in her bed, I woke you, and you mumbled and cried by turn and told us what had happened. We ran down to the shore, but there was no Elsa there. We decided to tell you that it couldn’t have happened that way. That you went down to swim, but that Elsa never showed up. We said that you’d had a horrible nightmare.’
‘Maybe I did. Why do you trust Didrik?’
‘During the period she was missing, I almost thought it was just a nightmare myself, because they couldn’t find her. But when she was found dead, drowned …’ Ellen’s mother hiccuped and wiped away the tears on her face. ‘Ellen, you had scratches on your arms, Elsa too. You had quarrelled. You yourself told us what had happened, even if it was incoherent. But Didrik saw everything.’
‘Maybe he’s lying.’ She was grasping at straws.
‘You often had blackouts when you were that angry, and in your clenched hand you were holding Elsa’s necklace. It was broken. You’d pulled it off, or else it came off in the quarrel. You had your own on around your neck. I took Elsa’s necklace and hid it. I haven’t taken it out in all these years, not until Didrik called me and told me that you’d started to remember.’
Ellen sat down on her bed. She was feeling physical pain. ‘Stop. Please, stop.’
She thought of Thulin and his suspicions. How she’d had defensive wounds, but that it wasn’t something that could be proven.
‘Why did you all lie to me?’
‘Because you were a child, and because you didn’t have control of your emotions. You still don’t. But when you were smaller, it was even worse. It was hard for all of us. Today, you would certainly be diagnosed with something and maybe be medicated, I don’t know.’
‘Stop!’
‘There are so many who share part of the guilt in this, and the truth was unmanageable for all of us. It was like losing two daughters — what should we have done? We decided to try to protect you from your own story. Maybe we were wrong. Do you really not remember? Sometimes, I’ve thought that maybe you’ve been harbouring your own secret, and that was the reason you turned out the way you have.’
‘This is so sick. Don’t you understand how sick this is?’ Ellen didn’t want to experience what she was feeling now. ‘Death, death, death,’ she screamed, hitting at things around her before she fled from the room.
‘Ellen!’
ELLEN
11.15 P.M.
Ellen sank down onto the muddy bottom, the hard reed stumps hurting the soles of her feet. This whole time she had been searching for death. Like a kind of self-harming behaviour. Tried to understand. But she herself had been death. Had she focused on the evil of others to avoid seeing her own? Was it, perhaps, to find an explanation for what she’d done? To understand who she was? She’d met so many. Murderers. Just like her.
She was the one she should write a story about. She couldn’t get closer than this.
She wouldn’t be able to undo everything or relive her life. Or get Elsa back. Nothing could be made undone.
Children, so innocent and happy.
Had she actually known all this time?
Probably.
Maybe that was why she’d had such a hard time seeing herself in the mirror and on TV. Not because she saw Elsa in herself, but because she couldn’t stand the sight of herself and was afraid to see and discover the evil she harboured inside.
The water was warm and embracing. The rain drizzled against her face and she felt thirsty.
Didrik had seen them arguing in the water. What was it he had actually seen?
Her dress got wet and clung tightly to her body. Her legs felt heavy, but she kept going.
She took Elsa’s hand and led her out into the lake.
When they came out a way Elsa stopped. ‘Let go, I want to go back,’ she said, but Ellen didn’t listen. Instead, she dragged her even further out. Elsa resisted. She screamed.
Ellen was breathing faster.
She kept a firm grip on Elsa’s hand. ‘I’m just going to teach you to swim.’ Elsa pulled her hair.
She kept going, her legs felt like lumps of lead, and the water resisted her. The anger was so present, she could almost touch it. She took hold of the necklace, squeezed it hard, and closed her eyes.
She turned around quickly. Elsa scratched her on the arm. They fought in the water. ‘Let go of me!’ Elsa pressed her down under the surface of the water.
Ellen was seized by panic and struck around her in the water. She tore at the reeds. Her heart was pounding, and she tried to catch her breath. She stumbled on the lakebed.
She couldn’t get any air and waved her arms. She was scared. Her hair was plastered against her body. The water became murky and made her dizzy.
Her hair was sticking to her body. There was dark hair everywhere. Wherever she looked, the dark hair was floating.
It stank of mud and lakebed.
Someone pulled her up. She gasped for air. She breathed and turned around. Didrik.
Didrik. It was Didrik. He was there. In the water.
‘Go to the shore, Ellen. Get out,’ he said, pushing her away. Ellen did as he said and made her way to the shore. They were far out. She didn’t turn around. On the shore, she kicked at Elsa’s clothes. They lay there. She was furious, raging mad at Elsa, who had pushed her down under the water.
But Elsa had been alive …
Ellen could no longer feel the bottom. She couldn’t move either forwards or backwards. She waved her arms, didn’t have the energy to hold her head up, and ended up slipping under the water.
Her hair floated out across her eyes.
She screamed, but no sound came out.
It was completely silent. The water was still.
The anger abated, and calm spread through her body. The numbness in her fingers disappeared. She felt weightless. Before her, she saw Elsa. Mum. Dad …
ELLEN
12.00 A.M.
She needed to throw up. She couldn’t get any oxygen. It was impossible to breathe. Something welled up out of her mouth. Her body was thrown to the side.
Agitated voices around her. Someone was shaking her.
‘Hold on, Ellen. An ambulance is on its way.’
Everything was blurry. She tried to see.
‘You fainted in the water, Ellen.’
Stuff welled out of her mouth, she couldn’t stop it. Her hand was shaking. Her whole body was shaking. It couldn’t be stopped.
Suddenly, she saw the outlines of the dock, and the tree rings on the wooden boards.
She opened her hand, and Elsa’s necklace dropped down onto
the dock.
She lifted her eyes, and looked into her father’s eyes. ‘It wasn’t me …’
He placed his hand under her neck and picked her up.
‘Shh,’ he said, hugging her. ‘It was an accident.’
THURSDAY, 28 AUGUST
ELLEN
8.00 A.M.
The oxygen mask fit tightly over her face. Ellen was breathing heavily and irregularly. She tried to control her breathing, but couldn’t.
‘It was lucky your parents found you and managed to perform CPR. You were only a few seconds from drowning.’
Ellen looked at the doctor, who had a gentle appearance and was wearing a white coat. Her nametag said Elisabeth. She shook her head to make it clear to Ellen how bad it was.
As if she didn’t know that herself.
‘You lost consciousness for a short while, and for that reason, we want to keep you under observation,’ she continued.
Ellen was having trouble taking in what the friendly voice was saying.
‘We’ll do a chest X-ray to make sure that nothing is damaged. You’ll have to stay here under observation for a few hours after that, and then we’ll see how well you’re recovering. How are you feeling now?’
Ellen stared up at the fluorescent light, which was flickering irregularly in the ceiling. It felt as if she was strapped down. But she wasn’t. Should she ask about that?
‘I’ll leave you in peace,’ the doctor said. ‘Try to rest a little now.’
As soon as she’d left, Ellen took off the mask. She closed her eyes and wished she never had to open them again. Her stomach cramped, and she wanted to vomit, even though she felt completely empty inside.
Someone took hold of her hand and gripped it tightly. Ellen opened her eyes and saw her mother sitting on the stool beside the hospital bed.
Why didn’t they just let her die?
‘What happens now? How can I go on living?’ The tears were burning behind her eyelids. She heard steps approaching in the corridor and turned her head slowly in that direction. Then the doorway was filled by a big armful of pink roses.
Secret garden.
‘I came as soon as I could. Thanks for calling, Margareta.’
Didrik sounded out of breath and placed the bouquet on the table beside the bed. The fragrance from the stunning pink roses mixed with the sterile hospital odour, and the already stuffy room felt, if possible, even more claustrophobic.
Didrik grazed her hand. She stiffened and pulled it away by reflex. Raised her eyes and stared at the now full-grown man, but saw the image of him as a teenager. An unpleasant feeling rose up in her, as if she’d done all this before. ‘You were there,’ she panted. It was as if she was being thrown back into the water, and she had no air. She reached for the oxygen mask.
‘What is it, Ellen?’ Margareta’s voice sounded worried, and she squeezed her hand harder.
‘He was the one who …’ She placed the mask over her mouth and breathed in the oxygen. But the pain in her chest got worse with every breath.
Didrik had been there. The images in her head became clearer. They were so strong. She squeezed her eyes shut to avoid seeing, but it couldn’t be stopped. Small fragments crystallised. It was stronger than a feeling. She and Elsa were swimming. They quarrelled. Didrik showed up.
It got harder and harder to breathe.
She remembered the path. Every little stone and root, and she could almost feel the ground against her bare feet as she ran away from there. And she could hear the screams from down in the lake. Ellen ran over Elsa’s clothes.
She opened her eyes and stared at Didrik. ‘Christ, you moved her clothes?’
‘Huh, what are you talking about?’
Margareta got up from the stool and sat down on the bed.
‘Mum, I remember,’ said Ellen.
Margareta’s eyes were completely dull. She opened her mouth, but couldn’t get a sound out.
‘How can you live with yourself, Didrik? Do you understand what you’ve done?’
‘Ellen, calm down now,’ said Margareta, reaching over to puff up her pillow.
Ellen refused to take her eyes off Didrik. When she saw how his jaw clenched, her whole body turned cold. ‘What were you doing with her? Did you drown her?’
He laughed. ‘Why Ellen, what are you talking about? Someone’s a little confused here.’ He looked at Margareta and sought support.
‘It was you.’ Ellen tried to get up, but her body wouldn’t respond. ‘I saw everything before me in the water. I remember.’ He’d come down to the lake when she and Elsa were quarrelling. ‘You told me to leave the two of you and get out of the water.’ Elsa’s scream was still echoing in her head. Was she calling for help? How could Ellen have left her there?
Margareta stood up. ‘Ellen, calm down. You’re babbling. I know that there’s been a lot to take in recently but …’
‘No, Mum, listen to me. I remember, he was there. When I left them in the water, Elsa was alive. I know that. Didrik must have …’ She coughed. ‘He must have killed her …’ She could barely say it out loud. ‘And then moved her, that was why they didn’t find Elsa where she should have been found. I told the truth.’
‘Margareta, can you leave us alone a moment. I would like to speak in private with your daughter.’
‘No, Mum, stay. Listen to me.’
‘Please.’ Didrik adopted a superior tone, and Margareta’s face was completely white. She looked first at Ellen and then at Didrik. ‘I’ll go out and get a cup of coffee with your father. Do you want anything from the cafeteria?’
‘No, Mum, don’t leave me alone …’
‘I’ll be back soon,’ she said, stroking Ellen’s arm.
‘Mum …’ She reached for her in vain.
Margareta turned her back and left the room. The door closed slowly.
Ellen carefully raised her eyes and saw that Didrik’s face and neck were bright red. ‘You frighten me,’ she said, discreetly reaching for the call button, and trying to repress the memory of them having sex in the water. How could he have challenged fate that way? It must have helped her to remember. She thought about the wall at home, how he had removed everything she’d put up and only left a picture of her behind. Shuddered when she thought that she’d let him get so close to her.
‘Does your mother know what you’ve done?’ She saw the way he clenched his hand, but she continued. The anger suddenly won out over the fear. ‘You’ve extorted money from us. How could you? And for all these years you’ve made my family believe it was me even though in reality it was you …’ The fury poured out of her. ‘That was just what Kjell Thulin said — do you remember him? The policeman who questioned you? He told me you changed your story. You lied, and you destroyed everything!’
Ellen tried to get up, but he put his hand on her shoulder and pushed her back down in the bed again. She strained against it, but it was impossible. He was too strong.
‘How can you be so fucking stupid? I saved you, don’t you understand that? Elsa was trying to drown you. I haven’t destroyed your life. I saved your life. I heard how you were quarrelling in the water, and I called to Peder, but he was necking with that girl in his room, so I ran down and I saw what Elsa was doing to you.’
He released her shoulder and moved back.
‘We were just quarrelling a little.’ Ellen felt completely empty. ‘We were sisters. We quarrelled, the way sisters do.’ The tears were running down her cheeks.
‘You were quarrelling. Yes, you quarrelled all the time. Don’t you remember what she said to you? Damn it, I was the only one who took your side! When I saw her push you down under the water …’
Ellen forced herself to meet his eyes. The total exhaustion was mixed with a terrible pain across her chest. ‘Please, stop. Just be quiet.’
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Many thanks to:
Kristoffer Lind, for making all this possible!
Katja Tydén, because we created Liv together.
All of you at Lind & Co and Kult PR, for the honour of working with you.
Callin Dellmar Öhrvall, for your beautiful storytelling.
Philip Sane, the world is ours!
My amazing research team — all of you who took the time and shared your wisdom with me, read the manuscript, threw around ideas, and answered all my questions.
Denise Rudberg, Caroline Dinkelspiel, Caroline Roth, Amanda Schulman, and Hannah Widell — there is a special place in heaven for women who help each other.
My best friend Susanna Falken, I don’t know how I would have managed this year without you.
Dag, my biggest thanks goes to you.
You are my everything; I love you.
Hermine, Lily, and Douglas, you are the absolute best thing I have. Thanks that I get to be your mum. You make me so happy!
Mum, because you brought me into this world and taught me what was right and wrong, and still help me to sort it all out when I do the wrong thing anyway.
Dad, because you helped me understand that everything is possible — but you have to work hard for it!
My siblings, Markus and Victoria, because you are always there for me, because you stand beside me and let me be who I am.
Grandma Britta and Grandpa Sven, you are so missed!
Eva Bolinder, R.I.P.
Grandpa Gustaf Bley, R.I.P.
The families Bley, Bolinder, and Bengtson — my castle and my safety. What would I have done without you? Thank you for all the help and support you have given us.
Anyone who has read, listened to, bought, or borrowed, reviewed, rewritten, retrieved, sold, distributed, or otherwise pushed Lycke. Thank you so much for giving me such a great start!
Last, but not least, to all you wonderful people who have supported me, hated me, believed in me, and been happy for me! You will always have a big place in my heart.