by Becca Turner
She lifted the photograph and looked down at it. When she raised her gaze to his, her face was full of devastation. “I don’t know how to start, so I’ll come out with it. I have a daughter.”
She turned the photo toward him.
A smiling girl close to Casey’s age beamed at the camera. She wore her shiny black hair in a bob, held back by a headband with a huge pink bow. Her face was shaped like Jody’s and her eyes were like Will’s, full of mischief.
“You told me you couldn’t have kids.” His voice came out gravelly. Out of everything he’d found out, from her and Tiffany, this floored him the most. It seemed like the surprises might never stop coming. “How did—”
She gave a choked laugh and rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. “Before the tumor, of course. I was way too young to have a kid, but I promised myself if I did right by this one, maybe one day I could do better. Find a man who’d stick with me and help me raise a family. And then that damn tumor came along. It was barely a year after Joy was born. I thought I deserved it because I didn’t even try to keep her. Fate or God or even the universe was punishing me.”
He could picture Jody, young and scared, with nowhere to turn. A lump grew in his throat. “You gave her away?”
Jody touched the picture. “I had to.”
“You could’ve told me,” he whispered. “You never once gave me a clue that you had a kid.”
She laid the girl’s picture aside, then folded her fingers together. “It’s not the kind of thing you usually tell strangers.”
“Do your brothers know?”
Jody nodded. “But I didn’t tell them until last night. It’s even more complicated than that. I told you it was.”
“So why tell me now? You were so determined to keep it a secret.” Nolan swallowed. “Where is she?”
“Stillwater, I think. Unless she’s in Oklahoma City at the children’s hospital. Honestly, I don’t know.” Jody bowed her head as though admitting it hurt her physically. “I haven’t talked to her adopted mom recently, but I know things aren’t good for Joy right now.”
His skin prickled. “Why not?”
“She needs a kidney transplant or else she’ll die. Her adoptive parents, Danica and Brandon, can’t give her one. I can’t give her one and it’s killing me to be such a failure. I thought I was doing the right thing by finding her parents who could love her, but I screwed everything up.” Jody wiped her eyes, then her hand went to her necklace. “I was scared shitless when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t have any business trying to raise a baby. So I got her good parents. I didn’t know she’d need a kidney. How could I have?”
He pushed his fingers through his hair. “Does this have something to do with last night?”
“I saw Danica and I panicked. I can’t believe she found me.” She rubbed her forehead. “Running was stupid, but I didn’t want you to find out like that.”
“Or at all? You almost got killed.” A slew of emotion rocked him. Anger, fear, disbelief. With Tiffany’s request, it seemed like the world had dropped onto his shoulders.
“Something good might’ve come out of it. I felt like I had to tell Will and Luke. Luke wants to see if he’s a match for the kidney.”
Nolan nodded. “I’m not surprised. He’s a good guy.”
“Better than I’ll ever be.” She folded her hands together. “There it is. The ugly truth about me. All of it. I’m a total mess.”
“You’re sure that’s all of it? There’s not some other surprise you’re waiting to spring?” He gritted his teeth. “God, Jody, this is a lot to take in.”
“I know.” She rubbed her hands together. “I told you that you didn’t know me.”
He rose, paced in front of the chair. “How old were you when you had her?”
“Seventeen. He was…he was older. Badass on his Harley and in his leathers. I didn’t know he was into drugs when I hooked up with him. I was such a stupid kid.” She shook her head and curled her hands into fists. “When I told him I was pregnant, he kind of laughed, then suggested I get rid of it. He offered me a loan to do it. Dad was livid when I admitted I was going to have a baby. He knocked me half way across the living room and spilled half his beer. I’ll never forget the smell of it soaking into the carpet.”
He could almost see her, so much younger, sprawled on old shag carpet, dazed and frightened while her dad railed at her. It was an image he might never get out of his head. No wonder she had a hard time trusting people.
“I knew for sure I couldn’t raise a baby there. Couldn’t even bring it home from the hospital. She deserved so much more. I had to give her a better life than I had. It sounds like an excuse, but she was happy up until her kidneys started to fail.”
Nolan sucked in a breath. Pregnant, abused by a co-dependent father, forced to give up the baby, then into sterilization by a tumor. She’d watched her father die while she struggled to decide if she could contact Will and Luke. Now the lump in her breast. She’d had a long, long run of bad luck. No wonder she looked like another blow would make her lose her mind. Suddenly telling her about Tiffany didn’t seem like a good idea.
“You’re furious, aren’t you? If you want to go, I won’t keep you.” She half rose from the couch, wincing as she did. “I’m not the woman you thought. I’m a hundred times worse.”
Her eyes were red-rimmed and her breath came out fast and shallow.
“Sit down. I need to tell you a story.” He sat back into the chair. “You ready?”
She nodded, but her eyes held a world of worry.
“Casey was Austin’s world from the minute she was born. He loved her from the time his ex-girlfriend told him that she was going to have a baby. The first time he held her, I could see that nothing was going to take her away from him.”
Jody pulled her lower lip between her teeth. She looked like he’d stabbed her.
“Our parents were still alive then and they were a little upset that Austin had a kid while he was so young. Neither of them were eighteen yet. Alaina wanted to be a rodeo queen more than she wanted my brother or her daughter. One day she up and took off without Casey. Her mom brought the baby to Austin and told him that she was his responsibility.”
“He took her. How could he refuse?”
“By that time, there were plenty of rumors that Alaina had been fooling around with other guys while she was with Austin. Mom insisted on a paternity test.” He sighed. “Casey’s not Austin’s daughter.”
Jody’s mouth dropped open. “What?”
“One hundred percent not his.”
“But—” Her face paled and she pressed her hands against her skin. “God, she’s not even his and he kept her. It couldn’t have been easy on him.”
“It wasn’t. They were dirt poor and he was still trying to go to rodeos. Mom and Dad were furious that he was raising a kid that wasn’t his, but he insisted he loved her. We thought it was because he still had feelings for Alaina, even though she was a lying bitch. Maybe he hoped she’d come back if he could hold their family together. Mom and Dad thought he might come to his senses and give Casey back to Alaina’s parents. Gradually, Casey just became ours. We all loved her. Legally, his name was on her birth certificate, but he wasn’t her parent. He was terrified he’d lose her if her grandparents decided they wanted her bad enough.”
“Did they?”
“They divorced when Casey was two. They helped Austin with her bills, probably because they felt bad that Alaina had completely walked away from her own child. But Austin didn’t tell them he wasn’t her dad. Alaina held it over his head for a long time, threatening to tell them.”
“He did what I couldn’t. He found a way to keep her and make things work.” She looked away, but there were tears in her eyes. “I’m so useless. Your brother is a saint.”
“At first, I thought he was a total idiot. Who raises some baby that’s not even his?”
“He’s not an idiot. That’s real love.”
Wasn’t that the t
ruth? It still astounded him how far Austin would go for his daughter. They’d all come to love Casey, thanks to Austin’s insistence that she was family. He couldn’t imagine life without her. “He freaked out about the time he started seeing Natalie. He’d devoted everything to Casey and our roping. The idea of losing her made him nuts. Alaina was jealous because Austin wasn’t mooning after her anymore. She said she’d go to her parents and have Casey taken away. It almost ruined what Nat and Austin had. Before he manned up and admitted the truth to Alaina’s mom.”
“Did they have any idea?”
“I think she’d suspected it. In the end, Alaina’s parents helped Austin officially adopt Casey.”
Jody closed her eyes, then pressed her palms against them. “I’m Alaina in this story. Oh, God. I didn’t know about Casey.”
“Hardly anyone does. She does, now, because Austin couldn’t hardly adopt her without her finding out. It was better for him to tell her the truth.”
Jody hung her head. “I hoped no one would ever find out about Joy. She was happy with Danica and Brandon. She didn’t need someone like me messing things up for her. Still doesn’t. I just hope Luke can help her. If not…”
She hadn’t been joking when she said things were complicated. But it didn’t make him love her any less. “I wish you’d trusted me enough to tell the truth.”
She couldn’t meet his gaze. “I tried not to get involved.”
“Fought me like a wildcat about it.” Between last night and today, he’d had too much bad news. But none of it affected him as much as it did Jody. Now that she had Will and Luke, she might not need him hanging around as a shoulder to lean on. “I don’t think you’re like Alaina. In fact, you’re nothing like her. She kept Casey to keep Austin in her clutches. He loved her, even though she tore his heart out. You just told me that you loved Joy enough to give her what was best. But for the record, I think you could’ve found a way to keep her if you hadn’t been so scared. I think you can do anything.”
She looked at him and sniffled. “Don’t kid yourself. I’m not selfless. I didn’t want to raise a baby on my own. It wasn’t noble. I got what I deserved for abandoning her.”
“You already said you did it for her. And you’re obviously upset about what’s happening to her. Go on and say you don’t care, but that’s not true. It’s written all over you. What’s happening now isn’t a punishment. It’s just life.”
“She deserves better than to die of a terrible disease.” She yanked a tissue from a box on the side table. “I wish I could go to her and promise everything is going to turn out all right, but I don’t want to lie to her.”
“Have you called her parents yet?”
“No. I wanted to talk to you first. It was important to get this out of the way. You must be furious with me. There’s so much I didn’t tell you.” She ripped the tissue to shreds that fell onto her lap. “I thought I could have some fun with you. Take my mind off of things, but you took it way too seriously. I never intended to hurt you.”
“I’m kind of reeling here, honestly. I don’t know what to feel.” He drew in a breath. “I’ve got something I need to get off my chest too. You’re not gonna like it.”
“Okay.” Her shoulders stiffened like a rabbit that had scented a predator. “What is it?”
“Tiff came back.”
Chapter Twenty-one
Oh.” There it was. The last little bit of Jody’s sanity, hanging by a thread. Nolan plucked it neatly and the world started to unravel. She’d been stupid to think he might accept everything she’d told him. Nolan seemed easy-going, but she’d watched the emotions wash over him and a man could only take so much before he had to cut loose. Admitting her past was the final straw for him.
He traced the band around his hat. “She had a rough time in California. Got into some trouble.”
“So she came to you.” Because Nolan was the type a woman could count on when things got rocky. She’d figured that out too late. “Good. She came to her senses. You should’ve told me that first. Before I unloaded my crap on you. We could’ve saved a lot of time.”
How many tears did she have to spill before she dried up? How could there be any left? She got up from the couch with her shreds of tissue and carried them to the kitchen trash. She tried not to limp, although her leg and back didn’t hurt so much with her heart shattered.
All she wanted was to curl up on the floor, cry until she was empty, and then maybe she’d feel better. But she couldn’t let Nolan see her do it. Couldn’t risk him feeling bad or thinking she was heartbroken over him. He belonged with Tiffany. Maybe this time the dumb woman would hold on to him. Jody rubbed her temples and willed herself to breathe.
I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him. Couldn’t stay away. Couldn’t keep my hands off.
No matter what he said, she deserved all of the bad things that had happened to her. She’d tried so hard not to get involved with Nolan or any of her family so they wouldn’t miss her, but she’d never imagined how much losing them would hurt.
“Jody?”
Funny how no one ever mentioned that sorrow hurt as bad as physical pain. “Go away. We’re done here.”
The words left her mouth in heavy chunks. She grasped the counter and leaned on it for support.
Nolan took her by the shoulders. “You’re pale as a sheet. Sit down.”
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.” He yanked a chair out from the table and directed her to it. “You want some water?”
She collapsed onto the hard seat, then buried her head under her folded arms. “You have to leave. Go. Please.”
“Why?”
“Because Tiffany needs you more than I do. You’ve got a lot to talk about and settle. Give her another chance. It might be worth it. This is your opportunity to get the family you wanted.” She lifted her head. The man standing in her kitchen in his tight blue jeans, checkered shirt and tooled bull hide boots looked like any cowgirl’s dream. Did Tiffany realize how lucky she was that Nolan wasn’t only handsome, but caring? Men like him were few and far between. “I’m glad for you. Really.”
If she had any luck left at all, she wouldn’t have to see the happy couple together. Wouldn’t have to hear about their wedding or their firstborn.
Nolan pulled out a chair for himself. He scooted it right up to her. “Jody, I never said I was taking Tiffany back. She asked. I can’t deny it, but I didn’t have any desire to do that. She made her choice. Or more accurately, we made the choice together. The romance faded and it’s not coming back. I offered to help her. Give her money so she can get back on her feet, but only with the stipulation she tells her folks what happened. She turned me down. I can’t make that choice for her.”
He slid his hand over hers. “She’s gone again. I don’t know where. It’s not important.”
Was that regret in his eyes? “You’re lying. You care where she went. What happens to her next.”
He closed his eyes, pressed his lips together. “Maybe I do because of our past, but I told her the truth about us. That I want to be with you. There’s no room for her. She took it well. Laughed a little, because she said she expected me to have found another woman already. I think it hurt her some, but I don’t know why she would expect me to wait for her.”
“You should’ve.”
“I couldn’t. I need you. Just you.”
“Don’t say stupid things like that. It’s not me that you need. There are hundreds of women—”
“Who aren’t you. Why can’t you accept that it’s been you since you picked me up out of the bar parking lot?” He cupped her face with his hands. “Listen to me. I love you.”
She closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to see into the depths of his blue gaze. He had to say those three words. He didn’t just say them, but it sounded like he meant them. Like every other time he’d held her close, she’d give in. Stay with him, no matter the consequences. He made her will weaken just by breathing the sam
e air she did. “I lied to you about everything. You should hate me.”
His knees bumped her thigh when he pulled her out of the chair onto his lap. Muscular arms slipped around her and his face pressed against her hair. “Never. Don’t think you’re close to running me off. I’m shocked about Joy. I’m terrified because you might be sick, but I’ll be damned if I’m leaving you.”
The citrusy scent of his aftershave swirled around her. His heart beat loudly beneath her ear. The warmth coming from his chest made her relax against him. “I don’t want you to be sad if…if everything goes wrong. It’s not fair to you.”
“I don’t want to be sad because I wasted whatever time we have together.” His fingers sank into her hair. “Don’t ask me to leave again. If you even care about me a little, let me stay.”
Her heart raced. “You don’t have to go anywhere.”
“Thank you.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I love you. Scars, lumps, knots, bruises. I love you no matter what.”
She raised her hand to his rough cheek. “I’m afraid of losing people that I love.”
“Me too, but…” He gave her a tight smile. “I’m right here. Stuck like a burr.”
A giggle built in her throat. “A dog tick.”
His smile relaxed to show his teeth and the relief in his eyes. “A leach.”
“A splinter in the ass.”
“Okay, that too.” Nolan hugged her tightly. “Don’t push me away. Promise?”
“If you’re sure you can keep up with me. I’m a walking mess.” All anyone had to do was look at her to see that.
“My kind of mess.” He smoothed hair back from her face. “I’ll work on straightening you out. If it takes forever, that’s fine. The longer it takes, the better.”
“There’s just one more thing.” She bit her lip. “You need to know.”
He went still and his forehead wrinkled. “What?”
“I love you too.”
His relief came with a sigh. “I already knew that.”