by Annie Seaton
The front door flew open and Gavin walked in with a wide smile. ‘Hello,’ he said. ‘What’s going on?’
Travis shot a warning look to Emlyn. ‘Just some questions Emlyn had about the tubes.’
‘Found any new creepy-crawlies yet?’
Emlyn didn’t like Gavin’s tone. His initial shyness had disappeared and today he made her feel as though she was intruding. ‘We’re making progress.’
‘Not long till you finish up over there?’
Before she could reply, he disappeared into the kitchen.
Travis rolled his eyes. ‘Just ignore him. Gavin’s feeling left out because he’s not the centre of attention.’
‘I heard that,’ came the reply from the kitchen. The sound of dishes being thrown into the sink reached them.
‘If the cap fits,’ Travis called back.
‘Maybe I’d better go,’ Emlyn said. She lowered her voice. ‘What night would suit you to talk more about this?’
‘I thought you said it would take a while?’
‘It will,’ she replied. ‘But we have to start somewhere. We need to work a few hours each night before the deadline.’
‘Jeez, it’ll be like being back at ag college.’ Travis laughed.
‘There’ll be big money involved if we get the green light.’
‘Don’t mention money in front of Gavin. He’ll want to put in his ideas,’ Travis said quietly. ‘He’s supposed to be going away again tomorrow. I’m not going to let him stuff this opportunity up. Come over after dinner unless I call and cancel.’ His voice was full of impatience as he looked towards the kitchen. ‘I don’t know what he’s doing from one day to the next. He disappears out on the farm, but he’s certainly not working.’
* * *
The next day in the tubes was wonderful. Two new species were logged, and the mood was upbeat as the afternoon drew to a close.
‘If we keep on with these sorts of results, your project application will be very highly regarded,’ John said as they packed up for the day. ‘Travis was keen?’
‘Very,’ Emlyn replied. ‘I’m heading over there after dinner to get started on the proposal.’
John stood for a moment looking at her, and she glanced around the cave.
‘Did I forget something?’ she asked.
‘No, I was just thinking how good it is to see the spark back in you again. But you’ve been quiet today. I always worry that you came back to work too soon after—’
Emlyn cut him off. ‘No need to worry about me, John. I’m as fit as a fiddle and fully recovered.’
He put his hand on her arm. ‘Are you, Emlyn?’
She didn’t take offence. John had been a colleague for a long time, and he had been her mentor when she’d studied for her doctorate. They had only ever had a working relationship, but she knew he was a good man. With a brisk nod, she reassured him, ‘I am. Now let’s get packed up or Bill will be carrying on about dinner getting cold again.’
John took the hint and moved away.
Why did everyone have to worry about her? David wouldn’t ease up, either. Another email had been waiting when she’d come home from Travis’s place last night. Please read and don’t delete, the subject line read. Her heart had plummeted as soon as she’d read it. Why the hell couldn’t he leave her to get on with her life, and why did she find it so hard not to read his messages?
David’s email had touched a nerve and Emlyn had relived the memories all day as she’d worked in the tubes.
Hi Em. It’s funny talking to you by email, but it has brought you closer to me, and I find you in my thoughts many times through the day.
Oh, I wish you’d been here today to hear the speaker we had. He was AWFUL. You know how I can usually pay attention, no matter how bad a speaker is? Well, not this time. I cleaned out my email, I organised my files and folders, and it looked as though I was studiously taking notes.
If you could expire of boredom, that would have been me today.
You know, Em, one of the best things for me was how you pulled me out of my comfort zone and right into yours as soon as I met you. I’ll never forget that first night. I was so scared of asking you out. I was terrified you’d say no. I mean, why would someone as beautiful as you look at a nerdy IT student? I couldn’t stop looking at you when we walked along the river that night. Your gorgeous hair was pulled up into the crazy sideways ponytail on the side of your head. Your lovely lips always in that permanent smile.
Oh, Em, I so miss seeing your smile. That gorgeous laugh of yours. I’ve even missed that snort you descend into when you really lose the plot. I can close my eyes and hear it now and I’m smiling.
Anyway, you smiled when I asked you out. I waited and then that crazy ponytail bobbed as you nodded. I walked on air for days.
Stay safe, Em. I think of you each night.
For a moment, anger pinged inside her. He was checking she was okay. Why the hell did everyone think she was going to hurt herself—or worse? There’d been enough death to last her a lifetime.
She smiled grimly. She’d seen the counsellor’s face when she’d filled out the questionnaire at her first appointment. Ever since then, until she’d moved out, David had watched her like a hawk.
If she was honest, it was the content of David’s email more than anything else that had unsettled her. Her foot was jigging on the floor and she looked down at her left hand, surprised to see her fist opening and closing. She took a deep breath and focused on being calm.
They’d had some fun times, and their life together had been good. She wondered if he was still living in their house or if he’d moved out like he said he was going to.
‘I can’t stay here without you, Emlyn.’ That was one of the arguments he’d used to get her to stay, but it hadn’t swayed her determination. David was playing dirty, but he didn’t know that her emotions were dead and he couldn’t get to her that way. But reading about the snort he’d always teased her about had lifted the sides of her lips briefly.
Anyway, I digress. I hope you are well and happy, and enjoying your new job.
Wherever you are.
She blinked as a shaft of guilt drilled into her. Being at Hidden Valley wasn’t a secret; she’d tell him where she was when she replied.
As she read on, she changed her mind when David’s next words knifed through her. Her breath hitched, and heat rushed through her body. The screen blurred for a second as she squinted and read the sentence again.
How could he? How dare he mention that time of their life? How dare he talk about it as though it was normal and natural?
I’ll never forget the day you told me I was going to be a dad. If I close my eyes, I can still feel the happiness that filled my heart that day.
Emlyn also closed her eyes. Of course he’d been happy, so had she. They’d both been filled with joy, and hope, and the future had looked bright.
But happiness was not reality. It could be gone in the blink of an eye. She knew that now. How long would it be before David realised that? Images flashed behind her closed eyelids and the pain twisted in her chest.
Why is he doing this to me? Why is he dwelling on the past?
She leaned back and tried to focus on the sounds around her, but the occasional laugh from the mess room was muted and didn’t hide the sounds screaming through her head.
To have and to hold.
The cry of a newborn baby, a sweet little voice, sounds that she had blocked for almost a year.
I do.
The rain pounding on the iron roof of their house. The creaky swing in the back garden. Back and forth, back and forth.
I love you, Em. I’ll love you forever. David’s voice whispering in her ear, telling her the words she loved to hear.
Emlyn sat there with her hands over her eyes and forced herself to breathe calmly. Gradually the panic receded, and she was empty, her eyes dry, past tears.
She felt nothing. And that was the way it had to be.
It was the only
way she could survive.
Opening her eyes, she stared at the screen until she saw weird shapes. She sat up and stabbed at the keyboard button to reduce the brightness. Reading the rest of what David had to say was essential now; it would stop the memories that had flooded in. The little twinges of emotion and the occasional fleeting surge of happiness that past memories had been reviving over the past few days. She’d been weak and let them in. She didn’t want that, and she wouldn’t let it happen. If reading the rest of this email fed her anger, she would read it all night.
Over and over.
She bit her lip and looked at the screen with determination; it was time to be strong.
Making a child with you completed me. As she grew inside you, my reality shifted, and even though I didn’t think it was possible, my love for you grew stronger. Lying beside you at night and watching your tummy ripple as she showed us how fast she was growing, is something I will never forget, Em.
We have both been changed by what happened, but we can survive the loss. We can. Our loss.
Not yours, not mine, but ours. I want us to do this together, and I hope and pray that deep down you agree with me. We both need to forgive ourselves for being imperfect—we did the best we could.
Em, you might think I am cruel writing this, but I had to tell you how I feel. We have to be honest if we are to have any hope of getting through this. That link between us, that link that you know was there, and was there forever … well, I can feel it shifting. Stretching and getting further away every day.
We can’t let it go.
I won’t let it go. I won’t let us go. I worry so much about you, Em. Every minute, every second of my day is filled with missing you.
I love you, sweetheart. Hold that in your heart.
Emlyn carefully closed the laptop. Her whole body felt detached, as though the blood churning through her veins wasn’t part of her, and she couldn’t stop the peculiar feeling in her fingers running up her arms.
But her thoughts wouldn’t stop.
I love you, sweetheart. Hold that in your heart.
She dropped her head, refusing to let the tears come. Although she couldn’t stop her emotions and thoughts, she could control her physical reactions.
And I love you, David. I always will.
Even though there is no future for us.
CHAPTER
16
After dinner the next night, Emlyn headed over to the homestead with her laptop and a bundle of folders. She’d printed out pages and pages of details about the initiative at Winton, to get the terminology for the application correct.
‘The timing is perfect. We’re just going to make the cut-off date for the funding for the next financial year for the university. They’ve already got a lot of sponsorship money promised; now it’s a matter of matching applications to suitable research projects, and the appropriate sponsorship source. John and I are really hopeful that this is going to get the green light.’ She booted up the laptop and brought up the application form. ‘There’s about seventy zillion attachments on it. I’ve printed them out and you’ll have to sign a few of them, providing proof of ownership of the property etcetera.’
‘Seventy zillion?’ Travis sat back and his smile was wide. ‘You are amazing, Emlyn. You spend all day in the caves, so when did you put all this together?’
She sat in the chair beside him. ‘Trust me. Sleep is highly overrated.’ As she worked with Travis, she amended her opinion of him; behind the terse and sometimes gruff cattleman was a sharp brain with a good grasp on the language needed for the formal document they were creating.
After he amended her words for the third time, she looked up at him with an accusing smile. ‘You’ve done this before, haven’t you?’
‘Not exactly this, but yes, I’ve done a few feasibility studies in my time.’ He stretched his arms above his head and checked his watch. ‘You know it’s almost eleven. Do you want a coffee?’
‘Tea, please.’
When she’d first arrived, the twins had been in the process of moving the television and Xbox onto the back sleep-out.
‘For peace and quiet, and concentration,’ Travis had explained. The occasional whoop had come over the sound of a game at full volume. Even at this late hour, they were still going. ‘And it also gives me some control about them going to bed. If I didn’t stop them at midnight, they’d go all night. The rule here now is no devices in the bedroom. I sometimes wonder what they get up to when Alison is at work.’
Emlyn tipped her head to the side, remembering the nights that David would get immersed in a game and play through the night. ‘I know,’ she said softly. ‘My husband was the same.’
Travis was headed towards the kitchen and stopped at the door. ‘Was?’ he asked.
Emlyn shook her head. ‘Oh, he probably still is, but we don’t live together anymore.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ He left, and Emlyn smiled when he returned a few minutes later with the fine china cup and saucer.
‘Thank you,’ she said. She turned back to the laptop, but Travis put his hand over hers on the keyboard.
‘I think you’ve worked hard enough tonight. Have your cuppa and head off. What time will you start work tomorrow?’
Emlyn couldn’t stop the yawn that had been threatening for a while. She put her hand over her mouth. ‘Early one tomorrow. About seven, I think John said.’
‘Us too. We’ll be heading out at dawn.’ Travis inclined his head towards the tents. ‘If I can get them out of bed.’
‘What about Gavin?’ Emlyn couldn’t help asking.
‘He’s gone back to Townsville. He spends a lot of time down there.’ He looked intently at her. ‘He was supposed to be helping us this week, but as usual he’s let me down. I’ve put the work back because we were going to camp out there for a few nights, but this application takes priority.’
‘Good,’ she said briskly.
Travis held her gaze and warmth touched Emlyn’s cheeks. She dropped her eyes as he continued.
‘To be honest, I don’t mind him taking off. It’s a lot easier with him not around here.’
‘Have you told him about this?’ She gestured to the paperwork.
‘No. Gavin would be difficult just for the sake of it. He’s got a selfish outlook. If there’s no immediate benefit to him personally, he’d find a way to wreck the idea.’
‘That must make it hard for you here.’
Travis’s laugh was grim. ‘Emlyn, you don’t know the half of it.’
Before she went to bed, she checked her email, and wasn’t surprised to see a new message from David.
Just touching base, the subject line read.
Her hand hovered over the mouse and she stared at the screen. With a determined nod, she closed the browser and shut down the laptop.
* * *
Travis began to look forward to Emlyn’s visit each night. She was a creature of habit, and he could have set the kitchen clock by her arrival and departure times. She would arrive just as the ABC news began and leave at ten-thirty on the dot. The boys knew that they were working on an application together that had the potential to help the station overcome its financial woes.
Knowing Emlyn would be there at seven made them have dinner and get the cleaning done early; the house seemed to be more organised as they got into a routine. Gavin had stayed away all week.
Travis smiled and crossed to the door as the now familiar Troopie pulled up at the front gate. Joel had pulled out the lawnmower this afternoon, and Travis and Jase had cleaned up some of the junk lying around the house.
Emlyn smiled widely as she ran lightly up the steps. ‘Someone’s been busy.’ She gestured to the freshly cut grass. ‘I love that smell. It reminds me of going to my grandparents’ every Saturday when I was growing up. Lazy Saturday afternoons when I’d play with my cousins and Poppa would mow the lawn. He used to chase us off to the chook pen to play, so we didn’t get in his way.’
Her eyes wer
e glowing, and her cheeks were a healthy pink. She looked much healthier than when she’d arrived on New Year’s Eve.
‘The kettle’s boiled and I’ve got your cup out.’ He stood at the table as she pulled out her chair and set up the laptop.
She gave him a smile. ‘Thank you.’
Travis frowned as he crossed to the kitchen. For the first time, he was looking at Emlyn as a woman.
A very attractive woman.
The feeling that had run through him when she’d smiled at him was hard to define. He shook his head and lifted down the Earl Grey teabags. She even had him drinking the damn stuff now.
He carried the two cups to the dining-room table and called out to the boys, ‘Tea’s made if anyone wants a cup.’
‘No thanks, Dad,’ Jase said.
‘Not for me, either.’ Joel’s response followed quickly.
The door to the sleep-out shut with a sharp click; it would stay that way until he made them turn off the Xbox at midnight.
Emlyn was reading through the rationale that they had finalised last night. ‘This is really good,’ she said as he sat beside her. ‘I’d give us the sponsorship. I think it’s a fabulous idea.’
‘So how does it work?’ Travis pointed to the screen. He wasn’t au fait with the university system. ‘Do we lodge it electronically or post a printed copy?’
Emlyn shook her head. ‘No, it’s a meeting. And I’ll be there to present our application and answer any questions. Do the hard sell.’ She stretched her arms above her head and the shirt slipped off her shoulder, revealing the fine network of scars on her skin. She flushed and quickly pulled it up as she saw Travis noticing it.
He lowered his voice and reached out to put his hand on hers. Emlyn looked up and held his gaze. ‘I don’t think I’ve told you how much I appreciate what you’re doing. I was pretty rude to you when you first arrived, but you’ve gone out of your way to help me with this when you didn’t have to.’ He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. ‘You’re a good person, Emlyn.’