***
“We have everything set for Thursday evening at six o’clock Ms. Milligan. If anyone wants to send flowers just have them sent here to our address under the same of one of your parents. Do you want there to be a viewing the day before?” I gave the woman at the desk a strange look at the word “viewing”. Logically, I knew the point of those. I had been to one for one of my grandparents when I was little, but especially in their situation it seemed like an inappropriate question. I was just about to say something when my phone started to ring.
Rachel patted me on the shoulder. “I’ll take care of this, hun. You go answer that call, okay?” I felt so guilty that she had stayed behind with me instead of being with her husband, but I didn’t know how to handle all that alone. I had to plan the funeral, clean out the house, call all the family…It seemed like the list just never ended. Where was the time to grieve?
“Hello,” I answered the phone. I sounded very disinterested, which I probably was.
“Yes, may I speak to Ms. Star Milligan?” a man with a British accent asked.
“This is her,” I said, knowing I sounded exasperated. I hadn’t looked in the mirror in two days, but I was sure I had circles around my eyes. I probably looked like a zombie or something.
“I am your parents’ lawyer. I have in my possession their will and am the executor. Is there a time soon that I can meet with you?” the man asked. I hadn’t even thought of that, but of course they had a will. They owned a lot of property.
“You can come see me at the ranch in about an hour if that’s alright,” I responded unenthusiastically as Rachel came up to me.
“I will see you then, Star,” he said before hanging up. I looked to Rachel and she nodded to let me know she took care of the whole viewing thing. She placed her hand behind my back and gave me a push out the door, which I needed. I was on autopilot and breaking down.
“Sometimes these people can be so insensitive. They just get so used to dealing with this stuff that I guess they don’t realize it’s a big deal anymore. That’s pretty sad, huh? But don’t you worry about a thing. I already made it clear that a viewing was not an appropriate thing and for her not to ask about it. You’re just having a memorial pretty much, right?” Rachel asked as we drove down the road back towards the ranch. I nodded. They were getting buried in their family plots but with closed caskets. It just didn’t feel right to do it any other way after their injuries.
Just the thought of going back to the ranch was daunting. On the one hand I did want to be home, but it was hard to think of it as home when I was in the middle of making big decisions about my parents’ things because they were no longer there. I didn’t even know if I had the lawful right to go through their things yet, but I just needed to stay busy. Plus, I thought some of the family would want some trinkets or something when they came for the funeral, and I didn’t want to deal with shipping anything. They all lived pretty far away. “So what was the phone call about?” Rachel pressed on. She had been trying to get me to talk for a while. It wasn’t that I was holding my emotions back; I just really didn’t know what to say. Grieving literally left me speechless.
“It was my parents’ lawyer. He’s supposed to be meeting me back at the ranch in a little while to go over the will with me.” I shrugged and looked out the window, watching the familiar Texas landscape pass us.
“Wow, that’s kind of a big deal. They probably just gave you everything since you’re their only child, but what if they didn’t? What do you think you’ll do?” It had actually already occurred to me that there was a chance they wouldn’t have given me the ranch or the house or anything. They hadn’t even known I wanted it. There was a chance they gave it to a distant cousin or simply willed the land to the county to sell or do what they wanted with it. As hard as it was to be in that house without them, it was even harder to imagine living anywhere else. “Well, you know you’re always welcome to stay with me. I’m sure the same goes for Miles. And he isn’t that far. I mean, at least he’s in Texas still.”
I appreciated her sentiment, but I tried to imagine myself couch surfing with a bunch of guys or living and working in busy New York. Of course, being near Rachel would be fun, but it wasn’t going to be a permanent solution. I just had to hope that my parents provided for me.
It wasn’t too long after we got back to the ranch that the lawyer showed up. His name was Edward Redmann. He had on a grey suit and nerdy red glasses. He definitely wasn’t originally from Texas. I could hardly imagine my parents sitting down with the man to go over important matters like their property, but as he showed me all the paperwork, it became clear that’s exactly what they did. Everything belonged to me; their entire estate. They had left everything to me. Suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t handle any more information. I excused myself to the bathroom and just sat on the cold tile floor with my head in my hands.
Of course I wanted the ranch, and it was somewhat of a relief to know that they trusted me that much. But no way did I ever expect or want the property that way. I thought I'd just inherit it when my parents got too old to care for the land not at 24 when they both died in a car crash. I just couldn't go through with anything else at the moment. I felt frozen, and I hoped yet again that Rachel would come to my rescue and usher the man out of there. But I also knew that wasn't fair. She should have been in New York already with her husband.
If only I could have stayed curled in a ball in the bathroom and pretended the word didn't exist, I would have. But I had to take care of my parents' estate and get back to some kind of a normal life. The ranch, the animals, they needed me.
I stood up and wiped the tears away, looking at myself in the mirror. "Okay Star," I told myself. You're going to survive, and you’re going to get through all these things you have to do one by one. You are not going to break down somewhere embarrassing. You're going to make sure you get through all of this with as much dignity as you can, and then you're going to let Rachel go to her husband.
I took a deep breath and headed back out to the man and began going through all the paperwork. I needed to just get it done so I could move on to the next step. I’d heard somewhere that sometimes you had to take life one thing at a time, and that’s what I was going to have to do.
“Rachel,” I said, turning to my friend once the lawyer finally left. It was dark outside, and she had cooked some fried chicken for us to eat along with corn and potatoes. It was the first real meal I’d had since I took that fateful trip to Laredo. “I think you should go to New York after the memorial… like right after.”
She stopped eating and looked up at me like I was crazy. “I can’t just leave you to deal with all of this, Star. He can wait. I’ve known him for a tiny fraction of the time I’ve known you.” She reached across the table and put her hand on mine. For a moment, I really wanted to give in and just let her stay, but it wasn’t right.
“I need to deal with this on my own at some point. I love that you are here, and I need you to get me through the next couple of days. But then I need you to go where you belong and let me learn to live again. You need to see that awesome husband of yours and live that fun New York life. You don’t need to watch me mope around here.” Her shoulders sagged, but she let the subject go. I got the feeling I was going to have to buy that ticket for her and drag her to the airport when it came time.
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