by Ali Lyda
“But what about work?”
Christian laughed at me like I’d made a joke. “What about it? I work, and then I hang out. It’s called balance, Gordo, and I have to say… I should have tried it a long time ago.” There was no missing the implication in his voice that I should try it, too.
His phone buzzed and he checked it, then turned to the door. My gaze followed his stare. In walked Dane, with Javi close behind. My heart practically tap-danced in my chest. That dance turned into a hot mess when Dane walked over to us, leaned down, and planted a kiss on Christian’s cheek before sliding into the booth next to him.
My best friend’s cheeks turned pink, but his eyes lit up like fireworks.
“I missed you,” Dane said and Christian leaned into him. It was simple, comforting affection. It made Christian happy, that was clear. It made me feel suddenly, irrationally jealous. Not only that Christian had actually managed to let someone in, but that Dane, who according to Javi, was a man-whore, seemed more than eager to be… monogamous.
Knowing that Christian had baggage of his own and guessing that Dane did as well, there was a bitter taste in my mouth at seeing them manage to push through it. Not because I begrudged them their happiness...no, that bitterness focused on my own inability to balance my past with Kyle and my worries of being a good dad with allowing myself something that I really, really wanted.
Someone I really wanted.
Javi stood awkwardly at the end of the booth. At least it's a large one, I thought as I scooted over as far as I could to make room for him without meeting his eyes. My tummy did a flip as he sat down next to me.
“I s...s-s-see now why you wanted to c-come here,” Javi said to Dane, who shrugged.
“Don’t hate,” Dane said, his smile effortless.
He was a good-looking guy, with brown hair and gray eyes that seemed to light up with every joke. I thought Javi was covered in tattoos, but Dane was covered. They crept up his neck, his palms were inked, and he even had a small tattoo on his cheek. Sitting next to my straight-laced, always serious and pristine doctor friend, I had a hard time reconciling the differences.
Of course, the same could be said about Javi and me.
I tucked my elbows in tight as I drank more beer, too afraid of accidentally touching Javi to let myself relax. I knew I was being a baby, and I was okay with it. I just needed a chill night without any fights. “So Christian, this is the person you’ve been seeing? How on earth did that happen?”
“It happened when Dane pretended to sprain an ankle at the relay race. He didn’t know I was a doctor, he just wanted my attention,” Christian said, brushing his black hair out of his eyes. “But by the time I figured out he’s a big liar, he already had my phone number.”
“Whoa, whoa,” Dane said, face contorted in a caricature of innocence, “liar is a bit harsh. I simply bent reality in an effort to get to know you.”
“B-bent reality?” Javi asked incredulously. “Are you f-f-fucking me?”
“Nope,” Dane said, pouting at Javi. The pout quickly shifted into a shit-eating grin. “I’m fucking him.”
After his joke, Dane placed a whopper of a kiss on Christian. They were so comfortable together, and again I felt the pang of wanting. I’d had that with Kyle. Six years of marriage, and we’d been in sync, able to joke and read each other’s moods with ease for most of it.
I want him back, was the first thought, followed by a wave of nausea. No. I never wanted Kyle back. Some actions came with irreparable consequences. But I knew that I’d been lying to myself when I told myself I was happy with just Giuliana, so convincing that I had been able to ignore my needs for months.
And I was thrilled with her. Ecstatic and fulfilled. And I was still lonely as hell.
It was then that I risked a look at Javi. He was staring at the bar, good-naturedly ignoring the PDA across from us that was moving into PG-13 territory. The low lights were flattering for his brown skin, showing how flawless it was. His tattoos were shadowed accents that played off the sharp lines of jaw, shoulder, collarbone. My mouth felt dry despite the beer I’d drank too quickly.
Javi was so unbelievably attractive. Magnetic in a way even Kyle hadn’t been. Kyle had been a cautious college fling turned boyfriend turned husband. Even-paced and controlled. Javi made my control crumble. He obliterated it by managing to seem tough and assured while emanating a gentle vulnerability that made me ache for more.
My fists tightened under the table, palms suddenly sweaty and dots populating my vision. It was too much to consider, too fast. Probably the beer. I clearly cannot be trusted with alcohol. Although I was a far cry from drunk, I latched onto the explanation and asked Christian about something at work to distract myself.
Dane cracked a joke and we all laughed.
I wasn’t quite ready to contemplate a future with more. It was too overwhelming. But I could consider trying harder to be in the present, to stop pushing away possibilities.
When Javi’s arm brushed mine, I didn’t cringe.
Giuliana was giggling. Like actually, for real, giggling. It was high-pitched and bubbly and incredibly infectious. It made my chest swell with warmth.
We were lying on a blanket in the backyard. Despite having gone out with Christian the night before, I had stopped after one beer. So after a beautiful, much needed eight full hours of sleep, I’d grabbed my daughter from my brother’s and came home, determined to spend quality time with her without worries of work (or anyone else) interrupting us.
It was hot, but there was enough tree shade to keep us covered in sun-dappled shadow. I had a pile of dandelions I’d collected, and I was blowing them one at a time, the burst of seeds in the air setting off round after round of giggle fits from Giuliana.
Giuliana smelled like the organic, plant-based insect repellent my mother had sent me, probably without my father’s knowledge. Still, it smelled nice and each bright-scented whiff of it reminded me of the mother I hadn’t seen in too long.
As I blew flowers and thought of family, a throat clearing startled me.
I rolled up and shielded my eyes, only to discover Javi standing in my yard, a large take-out bag in his hand. “Busy?” he asked, and I could swear it sounded as if he were laughing at me.
“Horribly busy at the moment. Massive deadlines and an impossible-to-please boss. Who will probably need a bottle in about half an hour.”
His laugh threatened to shatter any remaining walls I had in my heart. “Tough b-boss. Will she let you take a lunch break?”
I couldn’t help but notice that when Javi was at ease, his stutter was barely there. Practically nonexistent. Since I usually heard a lot of stuttering from him, I wondered how hard it was for him to be comfortable around me. Worse, I was pretty sure I was the cause of most of his discomfort with my all-over-the-place emotions and sharp words.
But here he was, a possible peace offering in hand. Another chance for friendship, at least, so long as I didn’t screw it up. It was surprising that he was willing to try again—I’d been such an ass—but damned if I wasn’t grateful he was. “I think I can fit in a lunch break. Just don’t tell on me.”
Javi crossed his fingers over his heart then pressed them to lips that were so full I had to look away.
Javi sat on the corner of the blanket that Giuliana and I were sharing, and I realized there was no way for all of us to stay on the blanket comfortably without touching. So I moved carefully into a cross-legged position, knee barely brushing Javi’s. If he noticed, he didn’t indicate it.
Javi brought a variety of Thai curries and noodles and we sat in comfortable silence, munching and enjoying the sunlight and Giuliana’s babbling.
“So, Dane and Christian,” I finally said, knowing that the ball for conversation had been sitting in my court.
“Oh, god, yes,” he said, laughing. “What happened there?”
“I don’t know, but that’s the happiest I’ve seen Christian in forever.”
“Same with Da
ne.”
I shifted so that I was facing him, shielding my eyes from the sun. “I’m glad you came over, Javi,” I said, feeling my tummy flutter as I did. “I worried that I’d stepped in it too deeply with the hospital thing. I know I said I was sorry before, but truly, I need you to know how badly I feel about lashing out. No one deserves that, but especially not you.”
He rubbed a hand through his hair. “Why especially not me?” There was a soft, nervous edge to the question.
Because you’re amazing. You’re generous and quick-witted and so freaking astute. “Because you’ve been there for me like family, and we’re neighbors.”
Javi looked up, shutting his eyes against the harsh sun rays. “Just neighbors?”
This time he didn’t sound nervous at all. If anything, I wondered if there was a hint of amusement, like he was putting me on the hotseat on purpose. I felt the corner of my mouth tug up. “Not just neighbors, Javi. We work together at the center, too. Colleagues, then, and occasional accidental drinking buddies.”
He laughed. “No offense, b-but being your d-drinking buddy doesn’t come with the benefits I’m used to. It t-tends to be t-t-too projectile for my t-tastes.”
I huffed, pulling an indignant face. “Is anyone ever going to let me live that down?”
“Hell, no,” he said before another fit of laughter gripped him.
I shoved playfully at his shoulder and the touch sent strings of need through me, unexpectedly knotting themselves in my stomach. I loved touching him. When we connected, it was like all the circuits in my body lined up and I came alive. Desire began to uncoil in me, spools of heat licking their way slowly through my system.
Without thinking, I began to shift toward Javi, lifting and angling, lips tingling in anticipation of a kiss. He didn’t move, but I heard his sharp intake of breath. Maybe, just maybe...
Giuliana began to fuss before we could continue, throwing a handful of grass in my face. I sighed.
“Mind keeping an eye on her while I go get a bottle?” I asked when I saw how Javi’s attention had zoned in on my daughter, the quirk at the corner of his lips ridiculously cute. He winked at me as if to say “busted.”
“S-sure,” he said.
Inside the house, I watched him through the window while I shook up a bottle of formula. He was making faces and Giuliana was clearly loving it, having forgotten her demanding tummy in light of Javi’s engaging presence. It was picture perfect, and I realized as I watched them that I could maybe actually have this: Someone who was great with my daughter, who was willing to help in an emergency, who was smart and dependable. If I could just stop shutting down my heart, demanding all or nothing from it, Javi and I could be something for real.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. When I looked at the text, I almost threw my phone across the room. It was Kyle. Seeing his name on my phone set off every alarm in my head, and I might even have growled.
Kyle: In town. Can I see you?
So fucking casual. As if we could just grab coffee and catch up. As if I could ignore his walking out on our whole life and the baby we’d chosen to have together. Outside, Javi was lifting a rapturously happy Giuliana in the air, both of them clearly in delight with the other.
That should have been Kyle. He should be out there. He should have been here for the constant night feedings, for her poop blow-outs, for her first hospital trip, her first smile.
And he wasn’t.
I typed out: Fuck off.
It felt good to hit send. I didn’t owe him my time or my kindness.
As soon as the phone was tucked into my back pocket, I headed back outside. After all, I had two people who I actually wanted to spend time with outside, waiting for me.
14
Javi
“Let me show you what I’ve done. All the logistics are finished on my end, I just need you to let the center know. Maybe see if they want to go in on advertising the event with us.” Reagan looked pleased as punch as he pulled out his laptop and started showing me what he’d worked on. He was the brains and the heart behind Get Ink’d, and I knew that he’d be able to take my idea and start running with it.
“You were right about palm-sized tattoos. It’s enough of a tat to get people interested but won’t take us too long to ink,” he said. “So we make a bunch of flash that’s new for folks to choose from. Then just hammer away for a full day, dawn until dusk, working in shifts. All the money will be donated to the center.”
I rubbed absentmindedly at my chest, palm pressed right above the shield. “All is too much. Just a portion is plenty. Fifty percent of proceeds from s-something like that would still be a huge b-benefit to the center.”
“Javi,” Reagan said, putting his pen down. “The center is important to you, and we do great business here. We’re getting more and more hits on social media, and you know as well as I do that with the exception of the hours we leave open for walk-ins, we’re getting booked out for months. Soon you’ll have a year-long waitlist if things keep going the way they have. One day of proceeds isn’t hurting us, and it sounds like it would do a hell of a lot of good for you.”
I stopped rubbing my chest and stared at him. His red hair was crazy and he was growing a beard that I didn’t think was his best look, but damned if he wasn’t the finest specimen of human I knew at that moment. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me—it’s your name that’s going to fill all the slots. That chest piece you finished a couple months back got a ton of traction on Instagram.”
It had been a good piece. I’d do a hundred more if it meant making Reagan happy, because this was such an enormous favor. I couldn’t wait to tell Mike, who’d probably shit his pants.
And Gordo, too. Not just because I’d need his help with creating promotional materials, but because we’d been seeing enough of each other lately for me to tentatively say he was a friend. A good friend, even. I’d spent a few weeks waiting for him to turn cold again. But he hadn’t, nor had he tried to make it anything more than it was: Two neighbors getting to know each other.
It had been… nice. Being able to play with Giuliana was the cherry on top of the sundae. She was just about the sweetest baby I’d ever held. Her animated face often sent Gordo and I into fits of laughter, and it felt good to be included in something so domestic and normal. Even if it stung sometimes, too.
Still, I was buzzing with anticipation as I sent a text to Mike telling him I had big news. But the first person I called?
Gordo.
I felt like a goddamn tattooing Zen master. I’d churned out five tattoos already, and it wasn’t even noon. They were good tattoos, too. Ones I was proud of, even if they were flash. All around me, the buzz of machines and chatter of voices heightened my energy.
The tattoo drive seemed to be doing well. Mike was in the corner with a table set up, handing out brochures and cookies to people who’d finished up getting their tattoos. He was a people person, managing to snag each passerby into a conversation that I knew would end in talk about the center. With the number of hands he was shaking, I was sure we’d be seeing increased donations continuing for months to come.
“Javiiiiiii,” Dane sang, lifting his head from his current client. “Hot Neighbor is here!”
I flushed. Dane knew Gordo now, as we’d hung out a few times as a group with Gordo and Christian. Only a few, though. There was only so much watching him swap spit with Christian that I could tolerate. “Shut it, D-dane.”
But I felt the smile on my face, large enough it hurt in the best kind of way. Trinity walked by and winked. “Another visitor, I see,” she said under her breath.
“I’ve had visitors all d-day,” I mumbled in protest as I watched Gordo go over to chat with Mike.
Using some antiseptic wash, I wiped off the tattoo I’d just finished. It was a skull, client’s request, but it looked badass with the green shading I’d used. After wrapping the fresh tat in plastic wrap, I stripped my gloves and stood. My lower back was beginning to fe
el the long day, and I rubbed at it as I made my way over to my friend.
“Javi, this is unbelievable,” Gordo gushed. “There’s a line wrapping around the corner. I thought someone was going to punch me when they assumed I was cutting in line.”
“You’re okay, though?” I asked, looking to see if I could pick out the asshole who thought Gordo was worth hitting. That face was far too pretty for punches.
“Fine,” he laughed. “Thrilled to see this level of success. You’re a genius, you know?”
“Total genius,” Mike chimed in. “I’m already seeing all the improvements I’ll be able to make after today, and it's all thanks to you, Javi.”
Pride bloomed like a flower in me, radiant and full. I had done it, hadn’t I? With Reagan’s help, I think I managed to figure out a way that Andrew would be able to get some real help. And the center might even be able to look at hiring some support staff, instead of having to rely on volunteers. It felt surreal to know that something I took for granted, my ability to tattoo, could have such long-reaching effects.
“It’s almost lunch, are you hungry?” Gordo asked, standing close. For a moment I got caught off guard by his smell. He must have showered recently, and there was a freshness to his scent, like limes and cedar. I loved it. “My brother has Giuliana for the day and I don’t have work for a little while, so I’m all yours.”
My heart fluttered at that phrasing.
“I’ve got another tattoo and can’t really go,” I said, though I was dreaming of take-out and an afternoon spent with Gordo. My stomach rumbled loud enough that Mike laughed and Gordo’s eyebrow arched with emphatic precision.
“So I’ll bring you some food,” Gordo said, chuckling.
“You d-don’t need to,” I replied, my cheeks prickling with warmth.
“It’s not a big deal,” Gordo insisted. “I came to see you and to make sure you had food. You can’t let me leave with only half of my duties fulfilled.”