I think I know that exact emotional triumphant, or where it comes from or why. I think I am scorching in jealousy; It’s too obvious that she is talking about which ‘he’ she was talking about.
“He was wery handsome, but calmed. I didn’t ask any question and he said nothing as well, but once I reached to him, he pulled me closer to him and I was…”
“I get it,” I say. with no interest over the proceeding of the conversation and she understands. Besides, it’s not like she has to go for a wild guess to the why.
“It wasn’t pleasant, if you must know,” she says and I look at her. “The next day, he told me to get dressed and I meet the others.”
“Others?” I frown.
“Like us…me.” She closes her eyes in disgust of the memory. “I say with you it is difren because, he treats you differen; he shows care towards you. And you talk with him,” she says, pressing her lips, and I turn my attention back to the mirror. “I see many falling in tim and lost, many turned into slaves, like the one I showed you earlier, killed, turned back home but not the same…they lost something.” I turn to her and our eyes meets heavy; we both shares emotions, no matter how disturbing it is, we are understanding each other.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “Truth is, we’re all in this together.”
“Well, some enjoy it better.”
“So, this glass,” I utter getting my attention to the glass before us. “What time do you want to show me?” I suck my lip inwardly as I swallow hard. “What am I here to see?” I ask her.
“Um,” she hums sadly with a momentary silence following.
I feel something cold splashing at my back suddenly. I can feel it in my bones; something that I’m about to watch is going to break my heart and that’s if not my spirit. Please, not my spirit. I doubt if I know how to fix that…for that matter, anything that’s broken. I suddenly fear to look back at her. I think some part of me is whispering something that creates fear in me. I can feel it. The feeling, traveling and spreading throughout my entire body.
“Tim works diffren,” she says coldly, “here, we don’t age like home.” I swallow nothing as my heart feels heavier than the usual. “I am older than I look if I was home.”
“What are you talking about?”
“This is your tim, and I am hoping to make it feel easy, so you don’t shock.” She takes another moment, “Shala ko batil, lere kafirel otakril…” She waves her hand before the glass and the mist starts forming a circular mist.
“What the hell,” I whisper. I am startled; I think I just heard a voice, familiar voice. Slowly, an echo of sounds starts pouring into my ears and it’s clearly coming from the glass. The voices are too familiar for me to ignore, and every second, it is magnifying even more; the more it magnifies, the more it gets clearer, and I know the voice. I’m too familiar with it and I miss it so much.
“A…big, very big IF. I. FIND. HER…”
“Mum?” I whisper in shock…perhaps worried, since I’m quite unsure of what exactly this glass…time is showing me, trying to show me.
“It is real,” Zhai says. “I don know, how to say this but what you see now is happening… you must be gone for a long time…” she says, frowning, “who is that?” she asks.
“I don’t know…I think it’s Mum and… and her friend…” I am not sure what she means when she says it’s happening now. I look back at the glass and frown.
“She…only daughter.” It’s all fragments of voices coming now and then, it’s not clear, but she is talking about me. I can tell and I can tell she is crying, heartbroken and lost.
“You…on’t need…” I think that’s her friend talking to her. The voice is coming in echoes and I don’t know what to make of it; they are too fragmented to make anything out of their conversation.
“It’s not clear, I can’t hear them…”
“Calm down an listen,” Zhai says. “You can also see,” she says, and I look at her in concern. “Focus,” she says, and I turn my attention to the glass before me. “They must be worried…tim works perfectly funny, here. There, it’s fast.”
On the account of what she just said, it’s clear…or at least I think I understand what she is trying to tell me. ‘here, we don’t age like home…’. Flashback of our conversation from a moment ago starts bothering me… ‘I am older than I look if I was home’.
I hope it’s not what I’m thinking, Oh I pray so hard. One or the other way the only way I can be sure of my insane thought is if I’m focused and I am already; leaning against the glass with my forehead as my hands are still with my palms pressed on it. Slowly, the sound starts to pour into my ears lucidly and I open my eyes and look into it.
She’s quite unlike herself, Mum. As much as I can tell, she isn’t. In addition to not looking after herself, but I can see she is spiritually broken. She’s on the floor, all weak and I have never seen her like this, ever. And she is talking about me being lost and from the way she is putting it, it sounds like I’m lost for quite a while.
“Mum…Mum, Oh my God! Can you hear me!” Mum flick sits up in shock. I think she has just heard me, and a sudden surprise runs through my entire body. I have never thought excitement could be this powerful, but I definitely lost control over my own self. Before I know it, tears stream down my cheek and I felt that mild longing; aching need of her warm cuddle and love. I suddenly feel how long and far apart we have been for all this time and here I am thinking that I am only a day far from my family, friends and even my wedding. I can feel it, it’s been too long and I’ve travelled way far, far away from home.
“What is it?” Mum’s friend asks her, and I frown. “Membe, are you oka…” she repeats herself and I frown.
That’s it, I wonder, frowning; she must have heard me.
“Stop!” Zhai whispers scolding and as she holds me back.
“Let me go. I know she heard me.”
“It’s not going to be good!” she screams but I can’t help myself. I can feel my blood rushing in me. I pushed her off me and ran back to the glass.
“Mum!” I can tell she is shocked…or perhaps confused to where my voice is coming from, but I start banging on the glass as hard as I can. Getting up from the ground, she speeds on her feet and away from my vision and I scream even louder, hitting the glass harder but even her friend follows her.
“Stop!” Zhai screams and pulls me away from the glass and a stiff struggle starts between me and her; I want to go to the glass, and she wants to stop me. “Stop, now, please,” pulling me, she tries to get me away from the glass.
“Please, please, I know she heard me…” She muffled my voice with her hand as she pulls me away from the glass.
She’s stronger than me and I can’t fight her off me. As she pulls me away, I see the glass breaking apart in to dust and blends into the cloud. I am crying. My tears streaming down my cheekbones and onto her knuckles. I want to stay until I get to see my mom once again. I want to be home; I want to go back home more than ever.
I don’t know why negative things feels great. It’s hard to understand the derf attraction; even aware of how terrible it might be, let alone with no knowledge of what it might cost us, we would any ways be attracted by it, want it, need it. We would like to give it a shot and see how bad it might hurt us.
I just can’t make sense out of what I have done; he gave me a choice and even if he didn’t, I was already yielding to his charm, but I chose this. I chose to follow a complete stranger to where ever he desired to lead me. I don’t understand this feeling, this thing I feel for him. What have I done?
What is it with my heart? What’s so wrong with me? How did I do this to myself and family? How can I make it right? So, there’s my truth, right before me; I just perceived it, learnt about it, but what to do? Would I ever find a way to rectify it?
I can’t, I really can’t bare the pain in my chest. I really don’t know how to explain myself, but the moment I see mum, I realise it all; I know it’s been long since
I am gone. How am I to face him like nothing is wrong, after that. Even though Zhai is pulling me, her right hand on my lips and her left hand gripping me roughly on my left shoulder, from behind me, out the house and still muffling my voice I am screaming as I am sobbing. I am whishing, hoping for the worst to happen to me. I think my whole world just falls into a total darkness and I am admitting it is entirely my fault.
Chapter Ten
For a while, we hide in the woods to stay as calm as possible; I can’t say for sure but I think I heard voices approaching to the house we were into. I still couldn’t process what I saw in there nor want to. I don’t want to believe any of it to be true, but I need to understand it…everything. I am scared and confused, and I am not thinking right, but I need to go back and find out how true that can be.
“Please,” Zhai whispers. “Be quiet, or we will die,” she adds, breathing heavily. I can sense she is terrified.
I swear I thought I didn’t care about anything. But the moment she tells me to be quite or we will die, I nod slowly with my mouth still muffled behind her palm and she slowly slides her hand off me. I can see and tell how scared she is and I am more frightened than ever before, seeing her reaction.
I honestly need to be as loud as possible. I need these terrible feelings off my chest or I won’t be able to face him for dinner. I need something that can distract me, keep me busy. I am feeling like my life is stolen from me and I am not even aware of it until now.
Is this what broken heart feels like? A suffocating feeling, like there is no air and you can’t breathe, heavy weight in the chest that pulls down, a feeling like we forget something important behind, a pain in the belly and void that feels like nothing in the world can fix it, not even amend it let alone heal. I am feeling insane, betrayed.
Zhai is talking about something but I can’t hear her voice; the muffled voice slowly turns into a distant echo and when she finally manages to shake me back to life, I manage to hear her voice clearly but still it’s hard to be able to apprehend the conversation she is trying to have with me.
“… not like tha,” she says, and I frown, looking at her; frowning perplexed and she presses her lips in a hard line, exhausted.
“How…” I swallow hard, squeezing my eyes shut, “ha…how long have I stayed here?” I whisper lost in deep thought. In fact, I’m not sure if she heard me well. “How long has it been back home, since I have come here?” I ask tiredly.
“I can’t blame you if you still don understand,” she bites her lower lip hard. “It took me three months here to understand.” I look around us and realise that we are hiding in a ravine and we still can take a peek to the house we left.
“Please, just tell me.”
“It’s almost three years now…you are here only for a day.”
“Oh shit,” I whisper. I can only imagine the worst going in Mum’s head. That’s if I want to ignore the very fact that she will be considered crazy in the head for saying she heard my voice. “I need to go back,” I speed stand up but Zhai pulls me down.
“No,” she says quietly, and I frown at her grip on my arms Slowly, she points behind her with her right hand’s thumb into the woods as her left hand’s index finger stays still, pressing on her lips as she makes a hushing sound in a very lower voice. “Look, it’s time and they come.”
Right away, even before I come to realisation to what she meant, I start hearing voices in a distance, laughter and joyful screaming. I think it may be ladies only…no, I’m sure, since they’re approaching our direction. We both duck down and lean on the ground to stay invisible. After all the things I have seen, I am not ready to encounter something that seems harmless and human in distance but something else when we’re close. I turn to look at Zhai and her eyes are closed as her hands are tight clasping her fingers, leaning against her chest. I think she’s afraid and seeing her is aggravating my fear. Slowly, I pat her on her right shoulder with my left hand; I just want her to know she is not alone in this anymore. I want her to feel strong for my own sake, seeing her, my heroine getting scared scares me more. She anyway looks up to me and press a smile equivalent to mine.
They look normal but I have learned never to use that word as long as I am in this world. They’re dressed exotically and beautifully; most of the elder ones are in what looks like a Romanian dressing style, but the dresses are well made of georgette textile with beautiful and exotic colour mixing. The rest of them are uncladded and they seem to look quite seductive. I don’t know what they are doing or the motive of them walking at this late hour in the woods like this, but I can sense and hear their joy in their voices.
“They ar going to the house of time,” Zhai whispers in my ears and I frown, looking at her. “They…torment, allures in lust,” she looks at me quizzically and I nod, gasping and nodding to confirm that I am understanding what she just said. “They can pass through time, unlike us.”
I once again look at them leaving the woods and us behind and march to the house. “Can’t we follow them?” I ask her and she shakes her head.
“Someone, long before, tried it and was stuck…and like ghost.”
“How can we leave, then?” She rolls her eyes at me and I think I can only agree with her.
“We will fin that or I will choose to di…” she ceases on her words but I know what she wants to say that I flick turn to see her in shock. “I’m tired,” she says, after licking her lower lip wet in sadness.
I hope that day won’t come to me, where I give up on everything, I wonder to myself sadly. “I don’t know how but we will leave,” I say quietly, in need of sobbing and she presses her lips and stands.
“Let’s go,” she says, and I frown. “They ar fa and we shou go back,” she says pressing her lips.
“Shit!” I hit the ground and stand. “The dinner,” I frown deeply, remembering about my conversation with…him.
“Dinne?” she asks, confused, and I look at her, blowing air out.
“He said he expects me for dinner. I totally forgot.”
“We have tim,” she says, and before I have time to process anything, she grabs my left hand with her right and starts leading the way in speed. To be honest, I’m wondering how hard she works to find her way out that she seems to know her way in this place.
Everything is compelling. It is anomalous and entirely lively in its oddness. How odd; one can enjoy, even in hard times. That’s the greatness of human nature; choices we have as much as our freedom in enjoying both negative and positive feelings at the same time. If this was under a different circumstance, I can stay here forever; the forest is breath takingly lively and magical.
I’m... we are both definitely running trying to catch time, but I can’t help to notice how lovely the woods have become the darker it gets. It’s like we are running in slow motion that I can see everything clearly. Every plant and trees, even grasses and bushes are glowing in their natural colour. It’s beautiful here and wonderous.
Not only that the plants shine in their own types of natural colouring but it feels like they’re alive, like they move in motion of their own nature. I would even dare say that some flowers look like humans and like they dance and or stand in elegant manner… It’s hard to explain something as sophisticated as this, as it is impossible to even imagine the word ‘beautiful’ or ‘fascinating’ would cover it.
Whatever plant in our way, that we are forced to touch or step on as we pass by shines brighter and flying insects spread in the air; flapping their fascinating little wings together to carry them away from us and an irresistible and yet still beautiful strange fragrances controls my sense of smell, which I keep trying to indulge to. Closing my eyes and gasping; as if high on drug. Zhai would squeeze my hand, pinch me a little, with her hard nails, back to the moment and I would laugh back, giggly, trying to resist the strong wonderstruck feeling that I am capitulating to.
I can’t deny it nor that I want to repel it, but I think that’s the secret magic of this world. It’s all round
and around and around… It’s hard to escape the circle. You see the danger but the tempting ordeal conveys greater might of attraction. You want to do everything…you know you need to do everything to depart but somewhere deep inside, you have this need that’s hard to deny. It feels like temptation is incarnated here and it’s bittersweet…better yet, you can’t even feel the bitterness, you will even dare to deny it and you will do anything to stay. It’s like an addiction; it’s hard to get rid of as it is easy, unnoticeable while sinking in deeper.
I think, I am finally understanding the concept of hell and heaven; it’s determined on the habitant’s behaviour in it, it depends on the way we try to see it like. This world, for instance, is beautiful but because of the creatures, it feels more like hell. It is explicit for me that, back in my world, we are experiencing both hell and heaven, just as this one; over insignificant issues, like, borders, racial differences... when we can live harmoniously, despite any differences that are created by our oneself. I am anyways loving the woods at this time of hour than during a daylight. It’s not only beautiful but there is this smell, so powerful and beautiful, something that makes you feel like this is the only right place, the only peaceful place, and safe.
“I know it’s beautiful,” Zhai says, as I cease on our run to take a breath, pulling my hands away from her grip.
“Then let’s stay,” I add, smiling, and she presses a smile.
“We can’t,” she says, offering me her hand once again. “I was once loose…”
“Lost,” I correct her, and she nods, pressing her lips as she inhales heavily through her nose. “You mean?”
“I mean, I fall in lope with it,” she says, spreading her arms and turning around and around, trying to show me the area. “Wait,” she ceases on her move as her face lightens up delight, but in ways that an idea crosses her mind…perhaps a happy thing. She tears the top cover of her dress, the golden organza fabric. Standing straight, with her delighted smile fixed on her lips, she starts tying it around her face, covering her nose; pressing the edge on her root of nose going round to her back and through her hair as the rest of the fabric hangs down to her lips all the way to her long neck and ends by her collar bone.
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