I guess it’s time I should face it all, see the broken of him as I have seen his angelic; I guess I understand how different I am after all, what everyone has been trying to say to me. I was blind all this time and I finally manages to regain my sight and I shall embrace it, my choise.
***
I’ve lost it all; no energy, no hope left in me. I am wrapped in his coat and huddled by the corner of the room, yanking back and forth as I keep biting my knees over and over again, each time, I bite deeper to harm myself.
Everything is painful; my body is aching from last night; his touches were different…demanding and rough. My eyes are heavy; if there’s a mirror in this room, I would be able to stare at a girl that’s broken; her face swollen from the endless sobbing, her cheeks all the way down to her neck wet from her tears, her eye’s outer lid and crease borderless swallowed with watermelon red water lines, her tip of her nose matching in colour and swollenness with her eyes, but since there is nothing in the room all I can do is feel it all. I can’t help but to feel and listen to every part of me craving for a merciful kill of remedy that can silent the pain that I am experiencing.
I want to take a shower, long, very long shower, if it can help to cleanse myself, to get rid of his touch. Even if I am able to clean it off me, how can I be able to clean the image, the memory of what happened, out of my head? How am I ever going to feel the same again? I doubt if I will ever be able to get rid of the contempt feeling towards my own self.
I can’t, I just can’t stop what’s in my head. I am huddling by the coroner of a wall, as tears falling down my check effortlessly. I keep remembering his rough skin, those eyes and the way he touched me. I gape as I press on my hands on both side of my head and then, huddle back as I rock back and forth; I am even scared to close my eyes even for a fraction of seconds. I’m scared of everything around me. I stay still like this for long period of time and I can’t even tell for how long.
I squeeze my eyes shut and open them once again and I can hear someone walking into the room and lifts me up, and I realised the agonising pain that I am experiencing at the moment. I groaned but nothing more than that…as much as I want to fight and hit who ever this person is, I just can’t do it, I am not with the energy no more.
I remember his huge muscles and the effortless strength that was crushing me; those huge hands and his heavy too hot body over mine. I remember how he was looking at me and even though he looked quite inhuman, there was something quite opposite; it felt and seemed like he was fighting himself, doing his very best to stop; it felt like he was sad and sobbing in his ways.
Just as a water comes in contact to my body, I feel like I am about to melt down; for the first time after a long agonising midnight, I gather the dead energy in me…more like recharge it; I jitter, screaming in pain to the burning sensation that I suddenly become exposed to.
It must be the pain, the burning sensation on my skin, that I feel like reliving our night all over again. Just I remember how helpless I felt I simply let go and stay still in the water; my lips parting as I breath through it. I recall how feeble he was in the end and yet derf. Whatever thins thing is, that carried me in to the bathtub it holds me still until I feel like giving up. I squeeze my eyes shut as I shrug in fear, as if it is happening now, the moment he leans his forehead against mine. I remember how shocked he was, looking down at me and then slowly, as he was terrified, he slowly tries to look back at himself. It felt like he was changing, like pilling out of that horrifying look to the one I fall for.
I simply shiver as I huddle in the bath with a shaking breath. Then another woman walks in the room; her face well disguised with a grey shawl covering her face, she simply walks to a table and pick a sponge and walks back to me; humming in a most beautiful voice I have ever heard, she starts scrubbing my back softly with it.
Until this woman starts her singing, I was just whimpering... or else quietly my tears down my cheeks like there is no halt to it. All this time, for every time I recall my time with him, his look, I was simply crying softly with no utterance, no voice... then I would rarely whimper again. Maybe it is her magnificent voice humming a sad song, but I just can’t take it anymore, I sob to the heartache. To the pain in my heart, that stings, that feels like unavoidable as it is irreparably damaged. I am pressing on my chest as hard as I can as I sob as loud as I can get.
Chapter Fourteen
It feels inexorable, beyond his control. He can feel it; he is changing inside out. He can’t exactly say what really is going on, but it’s been so long since he experienced this kind of power. Perhaps this is different. Maybe it is, but if not, he must have forgotten that much to know how life was like before condemnation.
Rushing into a room, he tries to avoid contact with anyone at all. He is covering his body from his hip down below with a white table covering he pulled off on his way up the stairs to the bedroom. He is breathing heavily, his eyes wide open and his lips drying from his fast breathing through his mouth. He is changed, but in to what? As if it will change back to the way he was he is staring at his palm he is holding up to his face. He is kneeling five feet away from the door. He just can’t proceed on his steps any longer than this; his eyes and attention are focused on his physical change.
It’s odd for him to feel anything, but ever since he crossed paths with Adha he can tell something is changing. He can feel things he can’t explain; he needs her to be around him, he can feel his heart beating, he can feel his entire senses calling for her presence and he wants to protect her more than anything and from everything. He is no longer sure if he wants to stay here any longer, he wants to be somewhere far and safe where he and Adha can be alone.
He didn’t fall alone, his entire legion, and his brother has fallen with him. So, does this mean to betray them all? What is going on?
He didn’t even plan on running into her in the first place, all he knows was that he was just roaming around, and he happened to run into this young lady, alone and confused. Listening to her talking, seeing her nervous around him and in her free will to the point that he didn’t have power upon her was a surprise. She was an unexpected happening and he indulged himself with her presence back to his place and things got out of his hand, his control. He didn’t know how to lose her, though he thought about it and was hoping she would say she want to leave. What took her so long? Why? He wonders. I was thinking about sending her back until it was too late?
It’s almost as if he is changing into something new, it feels like a rebirth and like a child he is to learn; the new power and strength he feels. It’s all strange enough for him that he is hit with a flood of feelings he has never felt before; the confusion, care, love, worry, happy, sad, anger…and now he should consider taking time to learn himself. A consideration to get acquainted to his physical appearance is just reliving moments after he was broken. But what is he to do to this new change? He can feel a new purpose and long path awaiting him; long and tiring, something bloody and warful, a lifetime that will take quite a lot of his energy…perhaps this new energy that’s gushing in his body through his blood. He can feel it and he doesn’t know how to start with it and or act on it. He doesn’t even know what it is, to start with; it’s quite unlike the time, when he was an angel and not like when he got broken, this is different and he can tell that much.
“Wha... what is happening?” he utters through his teeth and in disappointment. “What?” he adds with hardly a well-constricted word. He just can’t stop touching his own face and looking at his hand over and over again.
Coming from behind him, he feels slightly propelling wind; strong enough that brings him down to land on his palms on the ground and that angers him even worse than earlier. He knows the force that appears in the same room with him, how can he ever forget?
“It’s been a while, brother,” the force speaks, finally and after a momentary silence. It’s clear to him that he bears news for him and he may not like it.
“What. Is. Going. On?�
�� he rephrases his question, gritted in anger and his words well stepped on. He really isn’t looking forward to hearing it, but he couldn’t control these feelings that are making him feel strange.
He doesn’t know these things he is experiencing at the moment; feelings scorching him inside out; something he can’t explain but what feels heavy in his heart as if there is a force that’s fanning a flaming fire from within him. He doesn’t know any emotional feelings to understand his state now.
The fact that there is no answer to his question is disappointing him; an answer he can tell all on his own. He closes his eyes and strengthens his grip into a firm fist; he is taking a moment to spring himself up with the power he is graced with. Opening his eyes, he tightens his jawlines as his eyes narrow while he punches the floor with his fists; it helps him to flick turn to the force behind him. The moment he faces him he uses the chance in his hand to throw a punch at him, but he hovers backwards to escape the powerful punch that’s send to his jaw direction; but a wave propelled him a little further and backwards to hit his back against the door.
He falls down and frowns, looking at his hand and then looks back at his brother, who is looking down at him with a pleased smile on his face. He doesn’t look surprised or even slightly offended; he’s just as he remembered him, brave and graceful. It’s really strange; he realised that the moment he tried the punch…the moment he thought of it; he can feel a wave of gushing power with in him.
“I wished to say you haven’t changed, brother,” he utters, looking up at the angel standing before him. He doesn’t know how much he missed him for all this time. He said what he just said, hoping to keep the topic only about them, not being able to see one another for quite a long time; he is not ready to hear about his changes or the tasks that await him.
He is dressed in his armour; his sword at his back, his dagger on his hip, his golden chest plate and pauldron tightly done, as his hair held back, giving clear vision to his face. He still looks consecrating bright; his wings brighter and his golden aura still shine, making him appear brighter. He is ready for a fight and it’s obvious since he is here among his lost brothers; he wouldn’t expect a grand welcoming parade with open arms. He is here prepared for any fight and willing to serve God on this evangelism.
“Elasa barinu cosbria adagita gen ol laurianu erm elasa a,” the angel answered to him in their own tongue, which makes him squeeze his eyes shut as he holds his hand in the air.
How would he just talk about tasks that awaits him and tasks that he has to assist him with when they have other issues to settle first? That’s just a lying thought to himself to get away from the truth the angel just mentioned in general.
“You can’t,” he utters through his teeth. He doesn’t really want to accept this change, not just like that, it can’t be this simple. “What. Is…I want it stopped,” he says in ordering tone and through his teeth. “I refuse.”
“Oh, how you prefer tongue of man,” the angel pressed a smile while he speaks up. “After all, there seem to come a day that makes your brokenness worthy of happening.”
“Gabriel,” he calls his name, looking at him in disappointment.
“Your grace is lost; your light is gone and for what?” he asks him, frowning. “Am I lying, brother? But anyway, seems time has finally come to favour your choice.”
“Are you questioning father’s doings?” he smiles, looking at his brother, pleased at what he just heard coming from him.
“How sad you still think he’s wrong,” the force answers. “He, our father knows what’s to come and how to gather us all to his dean. How dare I question anything he wishes?”
“I was in love…”
“Oh, brother; Shemyaza, they call you. You were defeated by lust and you lured an innocent soul to deeds that’s forbidden.”
“What do you know about love, after all,” Shemyaza says as he sits back, “Oh, and they call me by many names as well, if you wish to know,” he says, as he springs up from the ground and flick jump towards his brother, throwing a punch.
Gabriel turns to his right side and lifts his right hand in the air towards Shemyaza that he propelled him back on the ground using his lighting power only. He uses no effort at all, and he is still smiling. He is truly enjoying this fight.
“Indeed, a great power you carry now,” Gabriel says, standing still and looking to the bed as Shemyaza stays on the ground flat on his belly. “I do know the love I feel to our father,” he says, as he grips his right hand’s wrist with his left hand behind his back resting them on his sacrum. “I believe it is love that make us do his biddings,” he turns fully to Shemyaza, who is getting up from the ground, as he looks down at him. “I believe you would have chased her, look for her.”
Shemyaza looks down to the floor, kneeling down as he finally gives up. He knows he is right; he indeed falls for lust and now he is questioning if it was ever love. He didn’t look for her, he never thought of it. All he ever wanted was to wait for judgement day in Orion and he did, until his brothers and sisters, who followed him, convinced him to join them in this fight.
But what is going on now? What’s this change about and how is he to accept it, anyway? What really is approaching? Is it judgement day, as he feared? He doesn’t know how to make sound of the responsibility that he feels is waiting for him.
“What is this change?” he asks finally, looking up to Gabriel, who is already standing before him.
“We shall see together, brother,” he answers, placing his left hand on Shemyaza’s right shoulder. “It is my duty to explain everything to you, my part to guide you through it.” Looking into his brother’s eyes, Shemyaza finally give up to his offer as he presses his hand on his shoulder, tighter with both his hands, in need of his comfort. If it was like before, one would burn the other when coming in contact, but it is clear it’s is not like that anymore.
***
“…Please,” despite his obvious less interest and attention to what she is explaining about, Zhai is pleading, kneeling behind the chair he is sitting on. “We jus wan…”
“Say no more,” he says. He didn’t move a muscle; his right arm is elbowing the banister as his forehead is rested on his right hand’s thenar webspace. He is leaning to his right side as his right foot stands on tiptoe, pushed in a little under his seat as his left foot is placed to rest fully flat on the ground while his leg is stretched a little forward. His left arm is still, in an upside-down right-angle position. He looks like a well-constructed sculpture, but he is worried about the conversation as well as the responsibility that awaits him. He is sitting, looking out through the burst down wall that forms a wide-open view to the beach.
He keeps remembering the message his brother delivered to him, he is worried, and he doesn’t know how to stop or react to it. he is worried to what is coming next as well worried about what he would do if things are to go wrong, out of plan.
Zhai frowns, taking a moment to calm herself down while thinking. She doesn’t know what happened to Adha but she can make her own estimation, based on her experience. She looks down at her hands she just clasped on her thigh to stay focused and as calm as she can.
She was locked in a room and has no idea to what was going on out here, but she was leery, waiting till her door opened and that she would finally be able to face her punishment as usual. Every steps and voices she heard from outside of her door was worrying her, but at some point, she decided to take a sit and then she fell asleep on the fainting sofa in the room she was locked into. She can’t say for how long she was out but she wakes up in shock to a heavy sound, a bombing type, that the house also moves that she even screams as she sprung up. She was so worried that something might happen to Adha as she waits, hiding behind the sofa she was sleeping on, looking over to the door. She heard footsteps, in a rush and then everything was quiet. she anyway stayed still in her hide out and then finally her door opened and she was forced to his room by two guards.
“She will fear me fr
om now on,” he murmurs, but loud enough for Zhai to hear him, though he didn’t mean for her to hear him.
She swallows nothing down her dry throat hard and looks up in his direction. From where she kneels by, she can see him leaning to the right and his foot under the chair, as well as the dripping of the white table covering, he has used to cover his hip and down below with. Closing her eyes, she shakes the thought out of her mind; she can now guess clearly how he might have hurt Adha. Perhaps Adha is dead or hurt to the point she is broken beyond repair. She fears she will be alone once again, but then, she once again thought, he cares about her. She knows he would do nothing to harm her, at least not to that point. She is sure since she never saw him the way he is around Adha with anyone else, but if he did something to her, she has no guarantee that he wouldn’t destroy her.
“Pay attention,” he utters in deep tone and she nods in response to his wish.
I know she was visited, he recalled his brother’s words. You have to allow her to use her guidance to leave this place. It was not what he was expecting to here from his brother.
Why would you talk about Adha? He remembered his brothers brighter smile over his confusion while asking him.
Can’t you at least feel it? he asked him. surprised. Oh brother, there will be a lot we shall work on, together. He didn’t know what he was talking about.
“I want you…” he starts a conversation to Zhai and takes another moment in silence as he allows his mind to play his memory of their conversation.
It, after all, will be your decision.
He said to him as he stood up and look down at him.
If you keep her here, you will lose her and death it shall be.
Hell Again Page 27