by James Graham
Mellish Oh Humphrey, I like you too, come here.
Atkins We’re going to get you. Alright? So don’t get comfortable. A minority government? No one with any sense or gumption gives you more than a matter of weeks. You’re gonna fall, and fast, and hard. So start finding things to land on. Now.
Atkins goes. Mellish less cocksure now. Beat. Harrison enters, laughing, clapping.
Harrison Wheeey. Home sweet home, Chief.
Mellish We’re fucked. We’re fucked, aren’t we?
Cocks enters, carrying some files and boxes. Harrison and Mellish snap out of it, cheering.
Harrison Alright, Michael. Here we are, eh? (Offering his hand.)
Cocks I know – quick, lock the doors before they realise. (Shaking.)
Joe Harper enters, in full State Opening regal garb, to more cheers.
Mellish Bloody ’ell, Joe, look at you, joining the circus or what?
Harper Laugh all you want, Chief, but you have to treat me with a bit of respect now I’m a servant to Her Majesty’s Government. No-o, I just played a ‘key role’ in the opening of Parliament, and not only that, look at this, me white staff! (Displays it, laughing.) Get to keep it for ever, this. I’m gonna wander round with it always. At work, round the house. Tesco’s.
Ann Taylor enters, holding a box. Mellish cheers, as per, expecting the others to . . . but they just stare. A beat. Mellish clears his throat.
Taylor Hello.
Harrison Looking for your office, love? ’Tis a bit of a maze, here / let’s see if –
Mellish No, she’s not looking for it, she’s found it. This is Ann Taylor, new Member for Bolton. She’ll be joining our team. And I know everyone’ll make her feel very welcome.
Harrison . . . Uh yeah, course. Here, Ann, take a seat –
Mellish She’s a woman, Walter, not an invalid.
Harrison Well, alright! I was just –
Taylor No, that’s fine, honestly. Thank you. ‘Walter’?
Mellish (at the walls) Art! I need art, someone get me some art.
Clerk (entering, with the black briefcase) Gentlemen.
Harrison ( pointing) And lady.
Mellish Nothing with a ship on it – what’s this?
The Clerk gets Mellish ‘set up’, handing him passes and demonstrating the case on his desk.
Clerk Your ministerial box.
Harper It’s black, not red.
Clerk The Chief Whip’s is black.
Harrison ‘The forces of darkness, and evil’ . . .
Mellish Do pack it in.
Clerk Key. Opens from the bottom, not the top. It’s heavy, you’ll get used to the weight.
Mellish (taking it) I know, I know. I have done this before, you know?
Harper (having a go) Flippin’ ’eck, have your arm off, that.
Clerk (taking it back, opening, demonstrating) Lead surround. Traditionally so that if your ship sank, it would sink to the bottom of the ocean. In reality, it’s for bomb blasts.
Mellish Bomb blasts?
Clerk To protect the contents.
Mellish What about my contents?
Clerk They aren’t Parliament’s concern. (Handing the case over and leaving.)
Mellish (after him) And can I get some art? Oi, and the phones too, they don’t . . . (Sighs.)
Cock (sitting, playing) Walter, look. Adjustable chairs.
Harrison Never! (Sitting.) Ha! All this time, them bastards! Bloody ’ell, I knew their poll ratings had been up and down all year but I didn’t know their arses had as well.
Mellish Eh, should see how comfy it is in the back seat of my car – oh wait, didn’t I mention, I get back my ministerial car?
Harrison Oh, you smug little tart, Chief.
Mellish Right, let’s stop mucking about, shall we?
He turns a blackboard over – during this, and for the rest of the play, the whips should light up fags and smoke as and whenever fits. Most should probably spark up now . . .
Mellish Now. I don’t know if any of you have read a newspaper this week but apparently we, the Labour Party, are now in power.
All Whey-hey.
Mellish With one big problem.
Harper Aww.
Mellish It’s a mathematical problem, and one we definitely have to balance. 301, us. The Tories 297. And then we have the odds and sods. Liberals 14, the Scots 7, Irish 11, Welsh 2, others 3, meaning an Opposition total of 334. (Writes ‘Total 301 v. 334.)
[The table created could look something like this:
Mellish In other words, we’re all up shit creak, we’ve got the biggest boat, but they’ve got more paddles. Or to put it a simpler way . . . combined, there are more of them than us.
This sinks in.
So how do we survive? Answer: haven’t a clue. None us has any experience of a hung parliament, so it’s a learn-on-the-job type thing. But we are going to war, gentlemen, so make no bones. On the other side of the lobby are a bunch of bastards – sorry, Ann – already plotting our demise . . .
Speaker The Member for Esher!
The Opposition Whips’ Office.
Atkins unpacking at his new desk. Esher drinks a whisky.
Esher It stinks over here.
Atkins No it doesn’t.
Esher Always has, this side. Nasty ruddy odour. And it’s colder.
Atkins Was there anything I can help you with, Colonel?
Esher My new office, don’t like it. It’s cramped and there’s this ugly painted thing in there.
Atkins That’s the Member for Gloucester, Colonel, she’s sharing your room.
Fred Silvester knocks and enters.
Silvester Mr Atkins? How do you do, I’m / Fred Silvester –
Atkins Fred Silvester; new member for Manchester Withington, formerly of Walthamstow West. Welcome back. Nice to know we picked up a few seats while haemorrhaging others. You’ve been assigned to the Whips? (Taking his letter.)
Esher Manchester you say? God awful place, can’t be doing with it. Either needs a good clean or a good fire, I don’t mind which.
Atkins Colonel, Mr Silvester here will relocate you to a new office this afternoon.
Silvester Oh, right. Yes, of course.
Esher Posture, man. People aren’t afraid of a man who slouches. I’ll be in the Smoking Room, let me know when that banshee is exorcised from my office.
He exits. Atkins takes out a phone wire cable from his pocket and smiles, dumping it in his bin.
Atkins The ‘spoils of war’. (Reading Silvester’s file.) You were in advertising.
Silvester Yes. Well, sort of.
Atkins You either were or you weren’t.
Silvester I was.
Atkins It should help, of course. Called to the bar, I see.
Silvester Gray’s Inn.
Atkins He’s right about your posture, you know.
Silvester I’ll work on it.
Atkins Do you prefer Fred or Frederick?
Silvester Fred’s fine.
Weatherill enters, clutching his folder. Sharply dressed, as ever.
Weatherill Oh, Chief. How boring, this whole thing.
Atkins So I’m starting to realise. Jack Weatherill, Governm – . . . Opposition Deputy Whip; Fred Silvester of / Manchester Withington –
Weatherill Oh, Manchester Withington, formerly Walthamstow West, yes, hello.
Silvester How do you do. Gosh, what a fine suit, I must say.
Weatherill Oh, thank you.
Atkins Yes, Jack has many a fine suit – (Looking up at his painting.) This look alright, here?
Weatherill (handing Silvester a card) Family are tailors by trade, place up on Savile Row. You should pop along. I don’t mean – not to imply that you need to.
Silvester No, of course.
Weatherill But, you know.
Atkins Fred was about to begin the a
nnual game of musical chairs, weren’t you, Fred?
Silvester Yes – oh, right, yes. (Exits.)
Weatherill (calling after) Have fun. (To Atkins.) Seems a good sort, bit wet behind the ears.
Atkins So were we all once. They dry out. (Goes to adjust his chair, and realises it isn’t adjustable. Tutting.) Oh. The chairs, for God’s . . . (Sighs.) I swear, Jack. This is but a temporary situation. It’ll be over by Christmas.
Weatherill Hmm, ‘over by Christmas’, where have I heard that before?
Government Whips’ Office.
Mellish Obviously the Tories are gonna vote against us every time, all the time, so what then? (Looks around. A sense of him ‘grooming’ the quiet one, here . . .) Michael?
Cocks Uh, well. Our only hope of getting bills through the House is the odds and sods, drawing ’em over to our side.
Walter, he’s built up the contacts, made the relationships –
Mellish We all have to have those relationships now, can’t just rely on Walter. And Michael’s right. A ‘rainbow’ coalition. And as you know, at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold.
Harrison Oh, lovely, Chief, beautiful.
Mellish That said, the world and his wife gives us about as much chance of lasting the spring as an Austin Allegro climbing a hill –
Harper I’ve sold it! So bugger off.
Mellish In fact we might even be the shortest government that e’er bloody lived –
Cocks But we can still lose votes in the Commons and survive, can’t we? Only way we can be booted out is losing a Vote of No Confidence.
Mellish Bingo, we lose a Confidence Vote, our PM is forced to go to the Queen. Historically rare, obviously, because governments normally have a majority. Well we don’t.
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins at a board, same figures.
Weatherill and Silvester.
Atkins Naturally there is a way for Parliament itself to boot out a government, and that’s a No Confidence. If more than half the House join us against them, we force them out, but to get to that point is politically tricky; they have to be seen to be incapable of passing bills.
Weatherill All comes down to the odds and sods then, right? Tug of war. I mean, I know traditionally we’re more averse to ‘deals’ than Labour, but given the state of affairs –
Atkins No, I agree, needs must.
Weatherill And I see no reason why Walter Harrison should have sole monopoly on cross-party relationships in the House. I th – I really think I could try shifting the balance.
Atkins Very well, Jack, I release you from your binds, go forth and multiply.
Silvester (with a diary) Or better still, make sure most of the odds and sods can’t even be here in the first place? Because, well. Scottish school holidays start a week before ours, if we manage to table some votes for then, any Scot Nat members who’d support their first raft of bills will be stuck at home, along with Labour Scottish MPs.
Weatherill My word, that’s a strike above the bowler’s head if ever I saw one. Bravo, Fred.
Atkins (gathers things) Alright chaps, The Usual Channels are now open, it’s time to ride out into the field. And remember, our one advantage is our, um, oh how do I put this so it won’t sound . . . I can’t, our ‘class’. Labour Whips are foul-mouthed, brutish, trade unionist –
Government Whips’ Office.
Mellish – toffee-nosed, arse-licking, dick-wanking wankers, sorry Ann, with silver spoons in their mouths and rods up their arses. Full of Baronets and Major Generals, their weakness is their inflexibility, so exploit it. (Checks watch.) Speaking of which, the aristo-twats will be on their way now. I just want Cocks and Harrison, newcomers bugger off.
Harper (exiting, with Taylor) Have fun, chaps.
Mellish Walter, feet or arse?
Harrison Feet, I thought, pacing on this angle, arms folded. (Demonstrates pacing with ‘threatening concern’.)
Cocks I say it’s all in the chairs, their mistake when we’d come here is letting us sit together so we can pass notes. Let’s perform the old Trafalgar, split the fleet, me between these two –
Harrison Lean forward too – Atkins and Weatherill, they’re ‘recliners’, it’s all this – (Sits, shows.) Leaning back, legs crossed, like a fucking Jane Austen character, swooning –
Mellish I know, I’ll do the old ‘I’m busy but good busy’ at my desk, / keep ’em waiting.
(From a knock at the door.) Walter, tell a joke – come in!
Harrison – Leeds United.
The Government Whips laugh politely as the Opposition Whips enter.
Atkins Afternoon, Gentlemen.
Harrison How do, Humphrey. Jack. New boy.
Atkins Shall we begin?
Together, the three Opposition Whips sit, cross their legs and open their files. Slick.
Beat. Cocks and Harrison take up their position, Cocks leaning forward, between Weatherill and Silvester. Harrison perched on a desk, near Atkins.
Mellish is shuffling around some papers on his desk. He scribbles a few notes –distracted. The Opposition Whips patiently wait. Weatherill dusts down his trousers.
Mellish OK. Would you like to kick off ?
Atkins Mmm – no, that’s OK, you start.
Mellish Alright, we were looking at this, Rates Bill to open on the 17th, Social Security 20th, Health and Safety Bill the 21st.
Atkins Aha. (Writing. A while.) . . . Yes, doesn’t work for us, Social Security; that last week of April would be preferable – Harrison, wouldn’t you like a chair, can’t be doing your back any good?
Mellish Few days before Easter, surely you’re worried about getting your members in?
Weatherill Hmm – no, actually, and it gives the Bill longer in committee, so the 26th then?
Mellish Oh wait, look, Scottish school holidays then so Scots MPs will struggle to be here.
Atkins Oh, that’s a shame. Still, can’t revolve around seven Scottish Nationalists.
Cocks Well we’ve got Scots in our party too, as have the Liberals.
Atkins I don’t think we have any Scots in our party, do we Jack. Any Tory Scots?
Weatherill Well, there is Teddy, but . . .
Harrison Do your private school kids break up the same week as our state school kids or is that different too?
Atkins Well done, Walter, three minutes in and you’ve already played the class card, I think that’s a record. I take it the swearing is due to flow shortly as well?
Harrison Bollocks, bugger, piss.
Atkins How lovely, you know walking into here is like walking into a Noël Coward play, isn’t it, Jack? Michael, do you have to lean so far for – Doesn’t anyone from the north know how to sit on a chair? It’s very simple, just imagine it’s like a hay bale or coal sack, it’s exactly the same principle, you’ll get used to it.
Harrison Oi, you, that’s slander that is. (Moving to sit in a chair at a desk near Cocks.) Right that’s it. Michael? (Handing him a pad and pencil.) Take this down –
Cocks presses the peddle, lowering Harrison’s seat, handing the pad back.
Harrison Thank you.
Harrison, Cocks and Mellish burst into laughter. The Tories sigh, though perhaps Weatherill struggles not to smile?
Harrison Eh, adjustable chairs! Kept them quiet, didn’t yer?
Mellish OK, look, I think we all know what’s happening, so just come clean, what do you want?
Atkins Three more Opposition supply days and Health to be on the 18th not 21st.
Mellish Two supply days, and yes to the 18th.
Atkins and Weatherill Done.
Atkins (standing) Gentlemen, that was thrilling. Nice try on the chair formation too, big fan of Trafalgar, aren’t you, Jack?
Harrison Ta ta ladies – looking beautiful as ever, Jack.
Cocks Actually, Jack, I’ve got a hole in my coat, would you mind sewing it up f
or me?
Weatherill Sorry, Michael, I don’t work with man-made fibres.
Beat. Harrison goes and opens the adjoining office door.
Harrison Ann! Joe!
Harper and Taylor enter. Mellish hands out cards.
Mellish Right, time to haul in the odds and sods, OK? Joe, you take the Scots. Walter, the Irish –
Harrison Yup.
Mellish Ann, I want you to charm the Liberals, I’ve a gut instinct. Michael, try the Welsh.
Cocks The Welsh? All two of them?
Mellish Yes, all two of them, as important as the rest, because as of today we are in the process of making deals. Hop it, the lot o’ yer.
Harper and Cocks exit, Harrison nips into the adjoining office, offstage.
Mellish Ann, could you just wait, one tick. Here’s your region card, I’ve given you North-West. These are our MPs, Labour, and now your responsibility, they’re the sheep, you’re the shepherd. Don’t ever bloody let on these lists exist.
Members can’t stand the idea they get ticked off like shopping. If they’re not in to vote when asked, you’re responsible. We’ll only try to pair the dying or ministers off on duty.
Taylor ‘Pairing’, right, and that’s used when someone can’t get to the House to vote, one of theirs sits out for one of ours.
Mellish Or vice versa. It’s sort of a gentleman’s agreement, pairing, goes back, well, for ever. (To Taylor, from his pocket.) Here’s your screwdriver, keep it with you at all times.
Taylor Screwdriver?
Mellish Flushing; take the top corridor north.
Taylor North top what?
Mellish Toilets. Flushing. When a vote’s called and the division bell rings you’ve eight minutes to get members through the lobby, each whip takes a toilet, go in and try and work out if the feet in the cubicle are Labour or not. If they are, flush’em out. Everything OK?
Taylor Well. I suppose I was wondering . . . why me?
Mellish Why not? Quick up the party ladder, only twenty-six, already made waves. I’m not as daft as I look.
Taylor I suppose I’m just wondering . . . it’s obviously all quite . . . well ‘macho’. In here –
Mellish Oh, well, thank you.
Taylor And I just didn’t want to feel like the . . . oh, well, look, you know what. The ‘token girl’.