by James Graham
Atkins The ‘way forward’? It’s been ‘the way’ since the war, all of us ‘palling along’. Well, do you know what, I’ll be honest with you. Yes, at first, I was a little nervous. Having her at the helm. But I’ve come to realise that she’s precisely what Parliament needs. An end to this ‘national consensus’, trying to please everyone. Time instead to strike out, in one distinctive direction, get things done.
Cocks Rip the country apart, you mean. Oh yeah, sounds cracking –
Atkins Do you know how many divisions you’ve lost, you and your team, in this ‘glorious age of compromising and cooperation’? Macmillan’s government, they didn’t lose any, neither did Eden’s. Heath’s, I regret to say, lost six. You lot? Thus far?
Cocks Do enlighten me, Humphrey –
Atkins Fifty-seven. A record, I might add. Over fifty failed attempts . . . to govern.
Cocks . . .
Atkins It doesn’t work, Michael. One party governs, and one party opposes. That’s our system. That’s this building. Two sides of the house, two sides of the argument, facing off against each other: the gap between the government and opposition benches the precise length of two swords drawn.
Their tips, touching. We are not built for cooperation, Michael. You get a chance, we try and stop you. We get a chance, you try and stop us. That’s our way.
Cocks God, such a, an innate, instinctive Tory inability to, to cooperate and ‘share’, eh? Conservative Britain: ‘As long as I’m alright, every bugger else can go hang.’
Atkins Right, yes, as opposed to Labour Britain: ‘Yes, it’s shit. But at least it’s equally shit for everyone.’ It’s the arrogance of your lot, I can’t stand. The fiddling and the meddling and the ‘managing’.
Cocks Well, some of us happen to think there’s a hell of a lot more to get done, so forgive me if we don’t shut up shop just yet.
Atkins ‘Get done’? That’s my point, you aren’t doing anything.
Cocks We’re keeping you out. That’s something.
Speaker The Member for Newham North East!
Newham North East enters, led in by Weatherill.
Atkins Well, don’t think we haven’t still got a few tricks up our sleeve.
Weatherill Chief? Ready when you are.
Atkins Excellent. (Leaving Cocks.) Excuse me, would you?
Cocks Reg?
Newham North East I warned you, Michael.
Cocks Reg, what are you doing?
Newham North East I warned you. My local party, those anarchists, that’s it, I’m out, I’m done.
Cocks (hopping after him) Wait, just wait a minute, for Christ’s sake, let’s at least talk. Look, fine, lose the Labour whip, be an independent, make your point, fine, but don’t you dare go and join the enemy ranks! That’s –
Newham North East You’ve lost control, Michael. The party, it’s collapsing in on itself.
Cocks You’re a government minister, crossing the floor to become a Tory! Reg! Wh – why?
Newham North East Everyone needs somewhere to go, Michael.
Newham North East leaves with Atkins and Weatherill. Harper joins Cocks, breathless.
Harper I got him! I got the bastard! Stockport North, my rebel, stick him down on the list for the Broadcasting Bill.
Cocks (despondent; leaving) Well done, Joe. Every vote counts.
Harper Turns out he’s a train spotter, got him on the Railways Committee, didn’t I, that and a new carpet for his corridor. I bloody got ’im. (Clutches his heart.) Oh no . . . not here . . . (Dials. Then on the phone.) Love? . . . Y-yeah, stick kettle on. I’m coming home . . .
He puts the phone down and stands. Wagner’s ‘Tannhäuser’ begins to play from the record player again as Harper stands as best he can and does up his tie.
Harper Nobody dies in the Palace . . .
Speaker The Member for Pontefract and Castleford!
Harper exits, as the music swells.
The Terrace: a memorial. Black suits and ties. Drinks.
Harrison Warm beer, he would have enjoyed this.
Cocks Seventeen. Seventeen of our lot dead since we got in.
Another wonderful record.
Harrison Who could have predicted?
Cocks He did. Walsall North. He saw it.
Harrison Oh, this again. Michael –
Cocks He saw something . . .
Harrison . . . Well. (Stubs his fag out.) I didn’t think the coalition would die so quickly.
Cocks Been a year. Couldn’t last for ever.
Harrison (smokes) Oh well. Back to hung again. Feels like a divorce. And they get the kids.
Cocks Yeah, and I should know. (Smokes. Looks.) Oh don’t make out you didn’t know.
Harrison Still. I’m . . . sorry, that, it must be . . . hard going.
Cocks Make a little note in my file, did you, when you heard the rumours? Oh, don’t look so bloody awkward. I’ve written plenty in yours over the years.
Harrison What, ‘Too bloody handsome for his own good’?
Cocks Oh yes, ‘Has dangerous delusion of grandeur. And is an awkward bloody bastard’.
Laughs. Stops. Takes a deep breath. Holds his hand to his mouth. Struggling . . .
Beat. beat. Harrison puts a hand under his arm.
Harrison . . . Pub?
Cocks Oh fff – (Looks around, suddenly aware.) . . . Ffolkestone South, yes.
Scene Five
The Westminster Clock looms large, hands turning. Sound snippets of new footage from the Winter of 1978–79: the Lib-Lab pact draws to its end, the coldest winter in memory, strikes due to wage restraints. Scotland and Wales go to the polls on devolution . . .
Members’ Lobby. Atkins, Weatherill and Silvester pacing into the centre to face Cocks, Harrison and Taylor.
Atkins Here we are then. Following yet another failure on Devolution, we shall present our motion of censure, No Confidence in your Government, blah, blah, blah, you get the point. Next Wednesday for the vote?
Cocks The 28th? Fine.
Atkins Fine. Such a shame the snow kept voters at home on the referendum. Still. That’s the British weather. Never changes.
They turn and separate at speed.
Atkins Right, this is the big one chaps! We’ve got them on the ropes! One final push!
The Commons Chamber. An explosion of action as the Members leave the banks of seats in pandemonium, grabbing each other, snippets of questions above the din – ‘Which way are you going?’ – ‘Do you think the government will fall?’ – fading under news sound bites – ‘Only one or two votes in it’ – ‘Bookmakers shortening their odds?’ – ‘Will a general election be called?’ – as the Westminster clock face appears, the hands turning at a frantic speed.
Government Whips’ Office.
Harrison gets a phone call from Lady Batley, away in her own space.
Lady Batley Walter? It’s Lady Broughton.
Harrison Lad – Is it the Doc, is he OK?
Lady Batley Look, we know this one’s going to be tight, one or two in it, and I’m . . . I’m worried you’re going to ask him because if you ask him, he’ll come, and if he comes . . . I’m worried he won’t make it. Walter.
Harrison . . .
Lady Batley I know how important it is, I do. It’s been his life. Our bloody life. But . . . please. Maybe this time. Maybe don’t ask him. This time. Please, Walter. I’ve got to go –
She hangs up. As does Harrison, as Cocks and Taylor enter at pace. On the board: ‘–16’.
Harrison Right! Battle stations, Chief, let’s get cracking.
Cocks So. (Looking at the numbers.) Can we do this? Can we win it?
Harrison Not with just our lot, we’ll need the odds and sods, as many as we can. Let’s show the bastards, five full years, right?!
Taylor Yes! Come on! Nearly there!
Cocks Right! One for all and all for one! . . .
Sorry, that was shit.
Harrison OK, let’s hit that rainbow. I’ll start with the leprechauns.
Speaker Members for Belfast West, Belfast North, Armagh and Fermanagh!
The Strangers’ Bar with Harrison.
Armagh We’ve already said we’ll abstain.
Harrison No, we need you to actually bloody well turn up and walk into the ‘no’ lobby with us.
Fermanagh No? I thought yous were ‘aye’?
Harrison Blinking Nora! Please don’t get the lobbies mixed up! This is an Opposition motion, so we want you voting No, saying that you have Confidence in us, right?
Armagh Look, we’d like to keep you fellas in, but we’re gonna need something to take back to our constituents and say, look, this is what we got, ain’t it grand? Like the pipeline –
Belfast North Aw, the pipeline would be smashing; that’s been on the cards for years.
Harrison I’ll see what I can do, right? And I know my man Belfast West will be walking through the right lobby, never put a foot wrong all these years, eh, Gerry?
Belfast West Well you know, it, it, it . . . (Pause.) It’s tricky, isn’t it? Voting on little things and tiny what-have-yous, it’s different, isn’t it? But . . . but voting to actually keep the British government in power that’s . . . that’d be a little harder to sell back home. You . . . you know?
Harrison Don’t pull my pisser, you. I know you won’t let us down at the last hurdle. Bar keep!
Speaker The Member for Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles! Taylor with Peebles.
Peebles You’ll have perhaps two Liberals. Maybe three. The rest need to be seen to stand up to you, to keep their seats. They won’t budge.
Speaker The Member for Western Isles!
Weatherill and Atkins with the Member for Western Isles.
Atkins Come on now, that’s twice Labour have failed Scotland. It’s time to join with us!
Western Isles Look. We’ll walk in with you if only to save our own seats. Nothing more.
The Clock hands turn rapidly under news snippets. ‘Will today be the first time in over half a century a government falls at the hand of Parliament, rather than the people . . . ?’
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins, Weatherill, Silvester and Esher.
Atkins OK, the drill, every single one of our members are coming here to register and are not permitted to leave the building after six o’clock under any circumstances. Jack?
Weatherill (at the board) We’ve got the Scots, are working on the Welsh. Irish are unpredictable and there’s no news on Batley yet.
Atkins Fred, I want someone from a local association at Leeds train station immediately, if he sees Batley getting on a train down here I want to be the first to know.
Speaker The Member for Batley!
Harrison gets a phone call from Batley, away in his own space.
Batley Walter? It’s the Doc.
Harrison Doc! How are you?
Batley Yeah, shh, the wife she doesn’t . . . (Intake of air.) doesn’t know I’m . . . Look, how we doing, numbers wise? Do you need me down? I’ve got me bags packed, but, Walter, there’s, there’s newspapers outside, they’re all . . . (Intake of air.) . . . they’re all watching.
Harrison Doc, you . . . (Beat.) You don’t sound too good, mate –
Batley Never mind that, right? Just say the word . . . and I’m there . . .
Harrison puts the phone down. Steps into –
Guy Fawkes Cellar. Taylor and Harrison set up a table for Armagh and Belfast North.
Speaker The Members for Armagh and for Belfast North!
Armagh The Guy Fawkes cellars? Ha. Isn’t that ironic? Centuries ago, they plotted here to bring the government down, and now here we are, plotting to prop you up.
Harrison Ann will go through the agreement on prices with you, you just have to sign and date and then we’re good to go, alright?
Speaker Member for Fermanagh!
Cleaner’s cupboard. Light bulb and a stool. Harrison jostles Fermanagh in.
Harrison There! Now no more wandering off ! I’ll be back soon.
He hands him a bottle of whisky and closes the door.
Around the Palace, all Whips in full flow, bumping into various members.
Speaker The Member for Welwyn and Hatfield!
Harrison Good to see you, Helene, alright for tonight?
Welwyn and Hatfield Front of the queue, don’t worry.
Speaker The Member for Chelmsford!
Atkins Norman –
Chelmsford Ah, Chief, just off to Sheekey’s, bite to eat.
Atkins No, not tonight! No one leaves the Palace grounds, eat here.
Chelmsford Eat here?
Atkins Norman!
Chelmsford sighs.
Speaker Armagh and Belfast North!
Guy Fawkes Cellar. Harrison running back in.
Armagh (holding the paper up) Oh look, it’s green. We’ve signed it in green ink, can’t have that, an historic, what-d’yer- ma-call-it. No, people’ll laugh at us, we have to write it out again.
Harrison (handing them a pen from his pocket) Oh, for God’s sake, quickly!
Speaker Belfast West!
The Westminster Clock Room. Cocks and Belfast West.
Belfast West Well. Would you look at that. I didn’t even know you could stand behind it.
Cocks I’ve, uh . . . never brought anyone up here. Before. It’s sort of . . . my place . . . But, erm . . . look, Gerry. I won’t try and, and bloody . . . hoodwink you or swindle you, I’ll just ask you. Will you walk into the lobby with me tonight?
Belfast West (beat; looks at the clock) You know what that feels like to me? It’s like an all-seeing eye. Looking out, across the four corners of the Kingdom. Watching. Well, a lot’s changed, Michael. I can’t ever forget this is an imperial parliament. And that just won’t do any more. I’m sorry, Michael. I truly am.
Speaker Fermanagh!
Harrison runs from here to the cupboard, opens the door, light on, takes an empty bottle from Fermanagh and replaces it with a full one, exiting, closing the door.
Government Whips’ Office. Cocks wipes out the score replacing the totals: ‘0’.
Cocks So, if we’re right, and who bloody knows, eh? Then we’re about tied, 311 to 311. That’s without the Doc.
Taylor Well. Let’s give him a call then, there’s still time.
Harrison Whoa, whoa, wait, we just need to dig bloody deeper, don’t we, win a few more of the odds –
Cocks No, no, it’s too much, no more offers, no more deals.
Harrison ‘No more – ’? It’s what we do, Chief. Oi, I’m breaking my back out there! The most important thing is stopping them getting in. Because they will, Michael, we go to the polls now and she will. And I don’t want to live in her country, right? Don’t be the man who could’ve stopped that but didn’t.
Taylor I don’t understand, we’re one man down, and the Doc wants to come.
Harrison Ann, it’ll kill him!
Taylor He’ll die happy. (Beat.) Look. He’s an old Whip himself, he knows the game! What time is it? I’ll drive up, myself, sod it. It’ll be fine, we’ll look after him, I can get there and back in time. / Just let me, please.
Harrison No, Ann! Michael?! I’m not having it, right?!
Taylor Michael?!
Harrison We said there’d have to be a line somewhere and this is it! This is the line.
Taylor After four and a half years, to get this far and it all be for nothing? This one last thing and we’ve made it, Michael . . .
Cocks (beat) No. No. Not like this.
Pause. It sinks in to the room.
Taylor Well. I’d better go see if I can twist a few more Liberal arms, hadn’t I?
Cocks Don’t try too hard, they’re flimsy and break easily.
Harrison Hold on . . . (A thought.) Hold on a bloody minute �
� He runs out, into –
Opposition Whips’ Office. Weatherill is putting on his new jacket in what is another brand new suit. Smoothing it down. Resplendent in his ‘victory attire’. Harrison enters and closes the door.
Harrison I need a pair.
Weatherill ( pause; then he laughs) You’re not serious.
Harrison Batley and Morley, he can’t come, and it’s an honourable tradition that you pair someone off.
Weatherill I don’t have anyone to pair him with. Everyone, of course, is here. Of course.
Harrison Then just pick one. And take them out. I’m demanding it.
Weatherill Oh? Oh. You’re demanding it. Oh sorry, well I better had then, hadn’t I? I can’t do it, Walter, for heaven’s sake. Imagine what the Lady would do to the person who didn’t walk in tonight? Career over, that’d be it. Now how do you suggest I pick that person, hmm?
Harrison I don’t care how, I’ve got the Doc at death’s door and I’m not, not going to ask him to come down. What, you want me to ask him to come, is that it?!
Weatherill . . . That isn’t fair.
Harrison Well, what the bloody hell is?! Eh?! I’m asking you, as honourable man –
Weatherill I can’t quite believe you’re / putting me in this – Harrison – to honour the system, and to take someone out !
Long pause. Weatherill smooths down his jacket. Looks down at it, for a second.
Weatherill Alright. You’ll get your pair.
Harrison Who?
Weatherill What does it matter?
Harrison No, come on, I want this in writing; who?
Weatherill . . . Me. I’ll do it. I’ll step out.
Harrison . . .You? You’d . . . Oh, don’t try and pull that with me, Jack, right? Cause it won’t work –
Weatherill I’m not trying to pull anything, Walter, you’ve a right to ask for a pair and you did; and I’m giving you one. There.
Harrison (long beat) Oh, bloody hell . . . It’s all I ever wanted. You know. Other folk what came in with me. All talking about Cabinet posts, and . . . and the ‘top job’. This is all I ever wanted. To be in the engine room. And I have . . . bloody loved it . . . Do you know, I think it’d all work fine, this thing. British democracy. If it weren’t so damn reliant on people. People who get ill. Get sick. People who change their mind, who forget who they are, what they want. People who fall in and out of love. Just . . . people . . .