by Gabrielle G
“Cœur, look at me!”
When he does, I can see in his eyes that his anger is real and overwhelming. But I remember what he said when he was in my bed not long ago, and I want him to focus on that. I don’t need him to fight for something that happened in another life. I don’t want him to give any second of his day to thinking about my ex.
“You remember what you told me in Montreal? ‘Sorry but not sorry.’ You need to accept that it happened to me. If it hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here with you today. The same way I need to accept that stupid Blossom didn’t want to understand your condition. Does it anger me that she hurt you? Yes. But fuck, I’m glad Dan, or you wouldn’t be mine today.”
He closes his eyes and takes a few breaths, absorbing what I said. Then his leg stops bouncing and I feel him relaxing.
“That’s impressive,” his doctor says. “Dan, it seems you answer well to Anna, like she can reach you when you’re a little too much in your head.”
Dan nods. “She’s it, doc. I knew it the first time I saw her. Then because I was an ass and I wasn’t taking my meds, I doubted it was because I was in mania. But then I still felt the same. I fought it hard, but I think if I take care of myself, it could work.”
“You know even if you take your meds and do everything we’ve spoke about, the life you live is a trigger and there will be episodes. You already know that, but when something bipolar-related happens, even if it's not your fault per se, it’s even less your partner’s fault. You’ll still need to apologize like you do with your mother or Lars and Art. Sometimes, it might take Anna a little longer to accept the apology. That’s normal, and you can’t blame her for that.”
“I know the drill,” Dan says matter-of-factly.
“I think you need to include Anna in your treatment. Never hide any of your symptoms from her, don’t try to play the hero, or make her believe you’re fine if you’re not. If you want this to work, you have to trust her. You have to show her she’s the most important person for your recovery, and she has to learn how it works.
“Because, Anna, you can read whatever you want about bipolarity, but you need to live it the way Dan lives it. The fact that he has the career he has makes it harder. You might have to leave everything behind because he needs you—like you did just now—but you also have to set boundaries because you can’t let his condition eat you alive.”
“I understand.” I feel overwhelmed, but I’m determined to give us a chance. “That’s why I educated myself before jumping in, and we had an open conversation yesterday. I’ll work on my shit and insecurities as well.”
“It’s important. You won’t be able to survive Dan and his lifestyle if you don’t take care of yourself.”
I sigh heavily. This isn’t the most romantic start to a relationship. When you think of dating a rock star, you dream of the all the perks you believe the lifestyle comes with. You think of the Hallmark movie your life could become. You’re not thinking of mental illness, boundaries, infidelity, depression, and forgiveness. Nevertheless, I’ve never been as sure as I am now that I want to be with him. I know what I’m getting into, and I’m not ready to let anybody else try.
“Anything else you want to discuss?” Dr. Mills inquires while scribbling some things.
“Any words of advice on dealing with his bandmates?” I ask with a smile.
Dr. Mills looks at Dan and raises his eyebrow. “I won’t lie to you, Anna, it would have been easier if they had found someone before Dan did, but they’ve spent the majority of their life taking care of him. When could they have found someone who would understand? You’re the first woman who knows Dan’s condition and is willing to date him, so they’re going to be suspicious and they’re going to get jealous. Don’t come between them, but don’t let them walk over you either. But from what Dan told me, I’m more worried for them than for you.”
Once the session’s over, Dr. Mills gets up to leave, and when Dan comes back to me after walking his therapist to the elevator, I can’t stop smiling. It’s just dawned on me that this man is my boyfriend, my promised husband, my whatever I want him to be.
“What’s that smile for, love?” He leans in to kiss me.
“That’s a smile because I love you.”
“I know,” the cocky bastard says. “And you know I love you too, right?”
I take him by his shirt collar to kiss him in the most leisurely way I can, because I no longer have to hurry to kiss him anymore. I can access his lips whenever I want.
“I think you were made for me,” Dan says into my lips.
“I think you’re right. I was made for you.” I snicker before kissing him more.
Coming up for some air, we separate before it escalates. Dan has to go to the studio today to record the last song of the album, which is the one he wrote about Lars and Art. He’s missed two days of recording sessions, and though he asked them to work on the music he wrote for this song, they haven’t listened to the lyrics yet. I know he’s nervous. This whole album is more or less about him being bipolar, our story, and all he owes his buddies. He’s never hid a song from them.
“You know they’re going to react just fine, right?” I tell him, feeling his tension.
“Would you sing it with me?” he asks, and my eyes almost pop out of my head. He gives me his most charming smile. “You said you like to sing.”
“I said I like to sing, I never said I was good at it.” I laugh. “Seriously, not happening. I’ll be there cheering for you, but I’m not recording shit, mon cœur, no way.”
“What’s no way?” Lars's voice announces his arrival before he enters the room with Jerk Two.
I roll my eyes at their interruption and their need to know everything. Remembering what Dr. Mills said though, I let Dan decide if and what he wants to share with them.
Dan smiles. “I gave Anna the opportunity to record a song with me because she likes to sing, and she said no.”
Dan walks to the fridge, presenting us with his back. Lars ties his blond hair in an ugly man bun and sends me a look of acceptance for the first time since I arrived. I flatten my lips and send him a smile.
“And get your shit together because I’m going to marry Anna, so stop pissing around me and be happy for me, bros,” Dan shouts before coming back in the room and slamming a bottle of water into each of their chests.
Tilting his head and clearing his throat, Lars tries to hide his surprise and maybe skepticism. I can’t say yet what he really thinks, as I don’t have a good read on him.
“Welcome to the circus, Red.” Lars opens the bottle of water and gulps it heavily.
“Thanks, Jerk One.” I grin. Dan raises his eyebrow to scold me, but I shake my head. “What? He called me Red. I thought we were giving each other obvious nicknames.”
Dan’s laugh booms through the room, and even Art chuckles.
“Seriously, Anna, you might just be perfect for him.” Art leans in to hug me, but I push him back.
“Not in the hugging phase of our relationship pal, sorry. “
“I wanted to apologize.” He puts his hands in his pockets. “I was just… it wasn’t all about you. I just took it out on you. If that makes sense…”
Lars rubs the back of his head in a nervous movement.
“It does,” I say. “It’s all good, we’ll get used to each other. I’m used to assholes, you know. I have a brother who slept with every one of my friends. Sound familiar?”
Dan laughs again, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “Shit, I love you. It’s going to be so much fun watching you get on their case regularly.”
And I have no doubt I’ll enjoy it too.
30
Anna
Dan insisted that I go visit Oliver in New York. My rock star is stuck in Los Angeles, and because he wasn’t coming to Montreal this weekend, he planned everything for me to go see my brother. As much as I love Montreal, I’m more than happy to cheat on it with New York. The shopping, the museums, the clubs, the fun. NYC is
my fuck buddy.
Since we came back from London a few months back, we’ve had some ups and downs. A long-distance relationship isn’t easy in general, and a long-distance relationship with a celebrity is harder. A long-distance relationship with a star who suffers from bipolar disorder is a real challenge. But I make it work the best I can. When I feel him slipping between my fingers, I tell him right away. I don’t wait to see if he tells me about any symptoms.
It gets to him, but he’s learned that I won’t take his shit or his mood. I understand them, but I want him to work on it the same way I work on my shit. I’m less and less angry and working on forgiveness. I’ve learned to let things go. When I tell him I forgive him, I really do forgive him and move on.
He bought a plane, which was out of this world for me, but I took it more as an extravagant desire of the billionaire that he is rather than a symptom his mania was back. Of course, when he told me, I reached out to Lars and Art. Dan was furious about that, but we discussed, we screamed, we understood each other, then he used his new plane to come to Montreal, and we had some makeup sex.
Life with Dan is like a field of roses—it smells incredible, it’s beautiful, but from time to time, a thorn gets stuck in your thumb. You remove it, put a bandage on it, and you go on loving roses.
The biggest fight has been about keeping our relationship kind of a secret. Art, Lars, and I believe we should say he’s with someone. Their manager and the label are fighting it, and Dan is suspiciously quiet about it. That’s what we fought about on Friday, but at least Lars and Art have my back. We’ve agreed we don’t have to like each other to be in Dan’s life, but they’re growing on me. Seeing how they call me every time they hear we have a fight or when Dan needs me, I think I’m growing on them too.
Entering my brother’s bar, I’m glad to see Naomi is here and waiting for me. I wanted to pass by Oliver’s place to drop off my bag, and she wanted to freshen up at the hotel. Dan said I only could bring one friend and begged me to bring Naomi. He loves Julie, but there has been some tension between her and Naomi lately, as well as her and Oliver, Lars, and Art. Once the cat was out of the bag that she’d slept with all of them, we tried to sit them all down, but it was easier to just not get tangled in their shit. Julie is my friend and always will be, and I know Dan doesn’t mind her. We just won’t have Thanksgiving all together for a while.
Oliver grins when he sees me. He’s so much happier these days and looks like a kid in a candy shop.
“Is your handsome barman single? Not that I need to get laid, but I need to get laid!” Naomi asks while he kisses my cheeks.
Ol laughs. “Please don’t fuck my staff. But you know if you need—”
“So Naomi can’t fuck your staff, but you can fuck mine? Seriously?”
They both laugh at my indignation as if I’m the crazy one here.
“I don’t do anything with your staff, sis, just your friends.”
Naomi scoffs and Oliver blushes, certainly thinking of something I don’t want to know.
“I have a surprise for you,” Oliver adds, beaming at me.
I raise my eyebrow before staring in horror. I don’t have time to scream at Oliver.
Joel stands in front of me. “Anna! What are you doing here?”
Scumbag and Wifey…
“What am I doing in my brother’s bar? What are you doing here?”
By now, I should have known. Jamais deux sans trois, the French say, which means, all good (or bad) things come in threes. I turn around to try to find who I know should be here if my ex and his wife are around and ignoring the small talk Joel is trying to start.
“Where is he?” I ask my brother.
“Who are you talking about?” The glimmer in Oliver’s eye tells me he knows something.
“Are you kidding me? Tell me that”—I point at Joel and Camilla-Jane—“is not my surprise.”
“Nope. This is an unfortunate coincidence.”
The place is crowded, and I feel people watching Oliver and me. Feeling very self-conscious that hundreds of eyes are on me when before they were looking at the stage, waiting for whatever show Ol’s bar is presenting tonight, I turn around and collide with a chest I know too well.
“Hi, love,” he says before cupping my face and kissing me softly.
Dan’s lips leave mine, but I don’t want to be apart. I haven’t seen him in a week, and I missed him. I slide my hands around his waist and bring him closer. There are flashes of phones all around us, but I can’t let go of my boyfriend.
“What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk, love,” Dan says in his most serious voice. “But first I have to go on stage. Can you wait for me?”
I nod, getting lost in his eyes. He kisses my forehead and disappears into the crowd before jumping on stage.
“Are you okay, Anna?” my brother says.
The truth is, I’m not. I don’t know what Dan wants to talk about, and I’m amazed Oliver and Dan organized a surprise for me.
“Hey, sis, don’t be scared. It’s all going to be okay.”
“Do you know what he wants to talk about?”
Oliver nods and grins. “Don’t worry, okay?”
Dan finds my eyes and winks with his most beautiful smile. I smile back, stupidly in love. Cameras are on me, on him, and he shrugs, not caring. Naomi slips back next to me. I see Lars waving at her, but she kind of ignores him.
“You know you’re not with him,” I whisper in her ear. “You can’t be mad because he slept with Julie.”
She shushes me and jerks her head in Dan’s direction.
“Hello, New York,” he says. “Thank you for coming tonight to this mini concert to raise money for mental health awareness. This is a cause close to my heart, as some of you might know. We wanted to present our full album, Letters to Anna, to you guys, and doing it at my future brother-in-law’s bar is something extraordinary for me.” The crowd gasps and Dan laughs.
“I’m not engaged yet, and Lars and Art are still very single, ladies, but I met someone I will marry one day, and I never want her to think that I wasn't claiming her to the world because I was ashamed of her or because I was afraid of what it would do to my career. I just wanted her for myself. Tonight is a special night for us, but especially for me. I would love for you not to share all the pictures and videos you took when I was kissing the love of my life, but if you already did, oh well, we’ll survive, I guess. Right, love?”
The people in the room turn back toward me and I nod, my throat clogged by months of back and forth on that subject. I was afraid that, as he said, he was ashamed of me, or he was afraid to hurt his career, or even that he had another woman on the side.
“The album you’ll hear today was inspired by the lovely lady you all saw me kiss, the one who inspired our last album and my new tattoo—shout out to Luke, my tattoo artist, who is here tonight.” Dan winks at a guy at the bar who raises his beer and caresses with his thumb the inside of his wrist where his heart shaped tattoo with love written in cursive as the outline rests. “Anyway, when I wrote this song, I wasn’t sure what would happen between us, but I wrote the lyrics meaning every word. Lars did an amazing job with the music. We wrote this in a hotel room in Montreal, just before an unplugged concert. I didn’t want to release it, but Lars and Art insisted because, without this song, there wouldn’t be an album. Without this song, there wouldn’t be Dan and Anna. This is the beginning of our story, love. It’s called ‘Instalove.’”
When the music starts, Dan keeps his eyes on me. I don’t know if it’s because it’s about us, but it’s the most passionate song I’ve ever heard. I get up, my eyes on Dan’s, and walk over to the stage. He nods and extends his hand to me. My feet know where they belong. I’m walking on water.
The security guard brings me up on stage, and I stand there in front of Dan as the last notes play. He takes my hands and give me a peck on my lips.
“You’re crazy,” I whisper.
“For y
ou, anything.” Dan winks at me before kissing my knuckle and indicating the security guy can bring me down from the stage.
Dan sings the other songs and signs autographs before disappearing. I know he’s waiting for the crowd to leave, probably wondering when I’ll join him in whatever room they’re using as a dressing room, but I’m still not his groupie. I’m here to spend time with Oliver and Naomi, so that’s what I do. I understand now why Dan requested I bring Naomi and not Julie, and I’m wondering if Dan is meddling more than he pretends to.
I’m waiting still at the bar, drinking a Moscow Mule, when I feel my phone vibrating in my back pocket.
Love of my life: What's your favorite song of ours?
I chuckle, remembering the first text he ever sent me.
Me: Thick and Thin
Love of my life: The only one I didn’t write for you.
Me: The only one you didn’t write with your dick.
I hear him laugh behind me before pulling me into a hug. “Ready to go?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be, Dan Darling. Show me the way.” We’re on our way out when I remember he said we needed to talk. I stop in my tracks. “What did you want to talk about? Are you okay? Did something happen? Do you need to talk?”
He rolls his eyes. “Anna, it’s good news.”
“Okay…”
Last time he said he had good news, he thought I could take a month off to join him in Spain and I couldn’t because of a project. It became a big fight. I’m a little reticent. I close my eyes, waiting for his news to fall like the guillotine it could be.
“I’m moving to Montreal,” he says in my ear.
“What?” I scream with surprise.
We’ve discussed it so many times. He wouldn’t ask me to quit my job and move my life for him, and I knew I couldn’t uproot him either. He needs his doctors, his friends, his wellness team. Dread and guilt spread inside me.
I look at Lars for confirmation of what I’m afraid is the start of a cycle, but Lars smiles, reassuring me everything is fine. Dan looks so proud of having hidden all this from me. It certainly took him months to organize.