The Messages in What We Don’t Say
One study of over seven hundred people looked at workplace incivility (rude, discourteous behavior, with an ambiguous intent to harm), noting that it can impact physical health and employee burnout and satisfaction. The study offered an example that resonates with the stories of workplace challenges that many professionals have disclosed to me in the quiet of the coaching room:
“A coworker passes you in the hallway and you say ‘hello.’ The coworker does not respond. You might perceive this as incivility, assuming the coworker was intentionally rude. Another person, however, exposed to the exact same situation, might not consider this to be incivility, assuming that the coworker did not hear the ‘hello,’ or was otherwise having a stressful day.”15
This scenario highlights one difference between authentic gravitas and what I refer to as surface gravitas. Someone regarded as having surface gravitas may be seemingly self-important, too busy for the “small stuff,” and indifferent. Surface gravitas may be a form of adverse gravitas if the impact of this posturing on others or a situation is negative. The colleague who appears to be ignoring you in the hallway could be perceived as having surface gravitas. On the other hand, people who have authentic gravitas are intentional about having a positive impact on others and are careful not to ignore them (whatever the reasons why). They engage and connect both in the serious moments and the fleeting encounters. Michael described to me one day, with tears in his eyes, how on receiving challenging feedback about ignoring people at work, he made a decision to walk more slowly around the office, acknowledging and greeting all who passed and sometimes stopping at desks for quick chats to see how people were getting on. He described the impact of this decision as one of the most important in his professional journey. For many, it may seem strange to even have to think about this courtesy. But for Michael, and numerous others I’ve met, neglecting this practice can simply become an unintentional norm in their jam-packed day. For others, it may be a reaction to frustration or disappointment over performance with a particular person. But it’s more effective for everyone involved to have what may be a difficult conversation, rather than sending nonverbal messages which are likely to be misinterpreted or, at a minimum, perpetuate a lack of relational clarity. Michael was aware, to some degree, of what he was doing, but failed to see the negative impact he had on those people he was essentially ignoring.
Michael’s impact was magnified by his position in the organization. The researchers in the study on workplace incivility found that rudeness from supervisors was perceived as more uncivil than similar behavior from coworkers or customers. For people in positions of leadership, their behavior can trigger stronger responses—positive or negative—in those who are more junior.
It is up to us to be intentional about the messages we send regarding how much we value others. We can’t control exactly how our messages are perceived, but we can choose to take ownership of the messages we send. If we actively seek feedback to check how our messages are received, and if we adapt our behavior accordingly, we can minimize the intention-impact gap in how we’re perceived. When we send silent, unintentional messages that we don’t value others, it can decrease their perception of our value—we lose their trust and their willingness to be vulnerable, which decreases our authentic gravitas. Conversely, when we are intentional, we can send silent messages that we value others, creating ease in our interactions (that is, making others more at ease around us) and building our authentic gravitas.
Creating Conditions for Others to Perform
Another reason for Michael to care about the messages he sends others is that they can impact the other person’s performance, particularly if Michael (even unintentionally) makes him or her feel excluded or isolated. Researchers at the University of Chicago noted that perceived social isolation may contribute to a range of performance factors, such as poorer overall cognitive performance and poorer executive functioning.16 Executive functioning includes verbal reasoning, problem-solving, planning, sequencing, sustaining attention and resisting interference, utilizing feedback, multitasking, cognitive flexibility, and the ability to deal with novelty.17 When I asked professionals to describe others whom they considered to have gravitas, they didn’t just describe that person’s performance, but also how that person made them feel empowered or inspired to better contribute to a team, situation, or project. People with authentic gravitas not only add significant value, but also create conditions for those around them to do the same. Silent messages of value and inclusion not only benefit another’s perception of you, but their perception of the extent to which they belong and can contribute at work. In Michael’s case, others not only report that they now know where they stand with him, but they also feel emboldened in their interactions with him. They are able to be vulnerable and courageous. They don’t feel uncertain looking at someone with surface gravitas from a distance; they feel energized by someone who equips them to add significant value. Authentic gravitas fosters authentic gravitas.
BETTER IN “REAL LIFE”
Whether others believe we have authentic gravitas is shaped substantially by our informal conversations and nonverbal messaging—how we interact on a daily basis, how we create “space in the middle,” and how we send others silent messages of value. Gravitas is also shaped, however, by our ability to connect in the “big” moments—for example, when we’re giving a speech or when we’re responsible for presenting in a meeting.
When I first met James, I was surprised. He was a senior executive at a large energy company and had oversight of the whole “people side” of the business. Each year, James gave a presentation to the board, and his annual meeting was coming up. He was looking for a leadership communications coach, so a mutual acquaintance recommended me. When we met, I found James to be charming, articulate, and engaging. I was surprised he had asked for coaching on communication. As I followed him out of the marble reception area, up the long escalators, and eventually into the boardroom, I wondered what we would talk about. I could not imagine anything I could say that would help him. I couldn’t imagine he needed help. After he briefly outlined the context, I took a seat, role-playing a board member, while James, standing at the front of the room, launched into his planned presentation. Suddenly, I knew why I was there. James became one of the most boring speakers I had ever heard. Verbally and nonverbally, he was cold and stoic. I struggled to keep focused on what he was saying. There was no engagement, no impact. He seemed to have lost his gravitas somewhere between the escalator and the meeting room. I called a time-out and cheekily asked him if he knew where James from reception had gone and if I could please have him back instead.
What was happening here? Why did James present as a polar opposite of his natural self? James disclosed that this was his fourth annual board presentation. For the previous three consecutive years, this day had been his worst professional day of the year. The board members had, in each previous encounter, criticized him and picked holes in his summary and plans for his area. He had felt attacked and not good enough. His subconscious response was self-preservation from what he perceived as another likely attack. The less emotion he showed, the less engaging he was, the more secure he felt. He minimized the emotion in his voice in an attempt to maintain control. Surely if he just coldly shared the facts, he subconsciously whispered to himself, he would be relatively safe this time around. In the coming chapters, we’ll take a look at some of the techniques and behaviors for managing this challenge of feeling better in “real life” and come back around to see what worked for James.
It is possible to intentionally build skills to ensure your best “real self” is coming across in your most pressure-filled moments. Authentic gravitas is possible when we shift our focus from what we are going to say to the impact we want to have. It’s as much about what we do and how we think before the interaction, how we think about an interaction, as it is about what we actually do in the room.
The former shapes the latter, so once we’ve decided on our intention—how we want to impact the people we encounter—the next step is to practically plan for those encounters.
The intention-impact gap—between the way we intend to impact those around us, and the impact we actually have—regularly plays out in our presentations and meetings. Annoyingly, often the more important the meeting, the bigger the gap becomes. We can spend countless hours writing and rehearsing our content for delivery. The more important the meeting, the more time we spend on the content. But gravitas is as much related to our mind-set and preparation as it is to our actual content and delivery.
The strategies outlined in the following two chapters for how to effectively impact those you encounter are based on powerful research evidence and client applications. The methods can be learned and applied quickly for those big, pressure-filled moments—even five to ten minutes of different preparation on each point can lead to powerful results.
PRACTICES FOR CONNECTION
Here are some practical takeaways and questions to consider as you strengthen your ability to connect:
Be intentional about how you want to show up. Think of your work this week—what meetings you have, which colleagues you’re likely to spend time with. How do you want those people to think, feel, and act as a result of an encounter with you? (Don’t skip over the feeling part!) You might want to start with a general answer as you clarify your broader personal intentions for impact, before answering the question for specific individuals you’re likely to spend time with this week.
With the people you encounter, ask yourself, How are they feeling about the situation/project/proposal? How might this be shaping the way they are making decisions? If you don’t know, ask.
Thinking about your current interactions and what you’re working on, challenge yourself with these questions: Is there any area where I could be succumbing to confirmation bias? What questions could I ask to explore further?
Review the meetings you have coming up this week and look at how they’re scheduled. We can’t control all meetings, but we can influence the structure of some. For those you can shape, ask, Are there any meetings where I might need to build in more time for meaningful conversations and discovery?
Consider the encounters you have had recently where you felt the most pressure. Ask yourself, Are there any situations where I could be succumbing to the Trap of Expertise? Am I making time (and if I need it, choosing to have the courage) to ask “space in the middle” questions?
Challenge yourself with these questions: What are the silent messages I am sending to people, particularly when I’m busy or feeling under pressure? Reflect on your body language (especially your facial expressions and eye contact) and vocal tone. If you’re up for the challenge, ask others for feedback: “When I’m busy, how do I come across? What messages would you say I send people?” Choose what messages you want to send, and how you’ll frame your responses when people ask for your time—especially when you don’t have it!
THREE
THE IMPACT MODEL
“Leading the Room” with Clarity and Curiosity
People sometimes think gravitas is all about style—the tips and tricks that make someone stand out. But to have authentic gravitas, we must first gain clarity around our desired IMPACT: Insight, Motivation, Perception, Advocate, Content, and—only after these other points—Technique. I’ve used my IMPACT model with hundreds of mid- to senior-level professionals looking to have more authentic gravitas. It’s a framework for how to prepare for meetings, presentations, and speeches—whether it’s an important encounter with just one person, a presentation in front of a group of twelve, or a speech to a large audience. Going through this process tends to not only make the preparation process more effective, but also more efficient. By spending a few minutes on some key topics before you start writing, even before you start thinking about what you’re going to say, you end up better equipped to have a more powerful, positive impact in the meeting. You have more authentic gravitas. So just for a few minutes, close the slide deck, put away the laptop, and stop thinking about what you’re going to say, while we take a look at a few things that will increase your likelihood of having the impact you want to have.
Think of an important meeting or presentation you have coming up, or one you’re likely to have in the near future. Focusing on a specific, real context can help ground the concepts and make this section very practical. Use this context to apply the IMPACT model throughout chapters 3 and 4.
In this chapter, we’ll look at the first five parts of the IMPACT model. The first three—insight, motivation, and perception—concern the imprint we want to make. The second three—advocate, content, and technique—are focused on what actions we need to take to achieve our goals for impact. Using this framework forces us to push against our natural tendency to think about what we’re going to say and instead start with a focus on the people we are going to encounter.
INSIGHT
Before we start thinking about what we’re going to say, we need to have clarity around two things.
1. What do I believe about this topic (the situation/opportunity/ project, etc.)? Take a position. We can manage the perceived risk of failing in a meeting or presentation by hedging our bets. Hester was well-regarded by her peers, but there was one thing holding the senior management team at her firm back from offering her the position of partner—her advice, or rather, the lack of it. She could outline all the pros and cons to clients, talk through the intricacies of the benefits and the dangers of one approach and then another . . . and then another still. It’s one thing to give clients clear options so they can make informed decisions—ultimately, the final decision-making does rest with them. But clients wanted to know what she thought was best. She knew their situation and their goals, and she understood the technicalities of the issue better than they did (hence why she was there). Yet Hester was afraid of giving clear advice.
Having gravitas isn’t about being a bossy “bull in a china shop” where your opinion is the only way (that may come across as surface gravitas, but it certainly isn’t authentic gravitas). But it is about clarity—knowing what we think and why, and not being afraid to share it. What’s the worst that can happen? The most influential person disagrees? So what? Often there is no “right answer” in business, and conflict is not a bad thing (more on this in chapter 9). So long as it’s clear that the decision-maker is the decision-maker, and yours is just an opinion, if it’s invited, give it!1 Hester could only move forward in her career once she was prepared to offer her point of view among a room of senior professionals. For her, this required courage. Clarity of opinion and informed advice are more in demand than we think. They are greatly desired in the professional world, and by playing it safe, we can do ourselves and those around us a disservice. So before you start thinking about what you’re going to say, be clear about what it is you think.
2. What insight do I want others to have? The second issue we need clarity on is what insight we want our audience to take away from our interaction. Here we can apply the golden question regarding intention:
How do I want them (the people I’m about to meet) to think, feel, and act as a result of this encounter with me?
We need to be clear about what impact we want to have on others. We focus so much on the content—what we’re going to say. Often we start writing this before we can articulate (even to ourselves) what it is we want to achieve. What’s the goal of your message? Rarely is the goal simply to inform: “To give people an update on how the new project is going.” It’s more likely: “To get people excited about where the new project is going by showing them the progress we’ve made, and gain their buy-in on the changes.” Imagine the difference in the two scripts. Consider what you would write if you went into it with the first line of thinking, which is basically an update, compared to
what you would say if you went in with the second objective in mind, which has a clear goal for impact. Think about these questions in the context of your upcoming meeting. Consider what insight you want others to have as a result of this encounter with you. Write it down (seriously, pause your reading here and spend a couple of minutes writing it out). You may want to run this by your boss or a trusted colleague before moving on, but essentially this action of clarifying your insights should take only a few minutes. These few minutes might be the most important ones you spend preparing for this meeting or presentation.
So you’ve mapped out the insights—what you believe and what you want others to take away. Now it’s time to get curious.
MOTIVATION
As a young Visiting Fellow at Harvard, I was surprised and delighted when Professor Paul R. Lawrence, renowned sociologist and one of the most important figures in organizational behavior, agreed to have coffee with me to discuss resistance to change. He had written about it many years beforehand, and it was of great interest to me as a topic in my doctoral research. I will never forget the words of this then elderly man, sitting on the bench as we drank coffee: “Do you know what I’m thinking about now, Rebecca?” he offered without any prompting. I could not imagine. He had lived a long and impactful life. “Social capital. I’m thinking about the value of the relationships between people.” I had not seen this coming. I found it extraordinary and incredibly generous that he would take time to meet with me. But what struck me was his curiosity. I aspired to be as fascinated by the world and as intellectually curious as he was. Of her late father, Anne T. Lawrence commented, “Dad was intensely curious. He loved tackling a new topic and learning as much as he could about it . . . Among his very last words to me were these: ‘There is nothing as powerful as an idea whose time has come.’”2
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