So come to the table. You can choose to relax while you’re talking and have others’ attention, but gravitas isn’t just for those moments when you have the floor. You send messages when you’re silent and listening as much as when you’re speaking. The students in my class are sending a message to me as they’re listening, and to the guest speakers who come in. How those guests, typically very influential in their fields, choose to respond to a particular student who decides to approach them at the end of class, will be partially shaped by the messages they’ve received from that student during their talk. I see participants in leadership programs shape their peers’ perceptions of them. When listening, they do so by the messages they send through their eye contact, their facial expressions and facial responsiveness, their quiet energy or lack of it. The people who have silent gravitas are those who are conscious that they send messages when they’re listening as much as when they’re speaking. The ones who are not aware of, or in that moment not conscious of, the messages they send as a listener rarely have silent gravitas. This could influence who gets invited to be part of an important business project. It could guide a decision someone is making about your career opportunities. Your silent messages can shape your future, so be as intentional about the message you want to send others when you’re not speaking as when you are speaking.
Here are four practical ways you can ensure your actions lead to your desired impact:
1. Commit to your beginning and your end. In previous chapters, we’ve seen the difference this makes. These two windows are also times when we are most likely to use powerless language, verbal and nonverbal. Imagine that Alice has just handed over to John in a meeting. John looks half-heartedly toward her and then flicks his eyes toward the audience before looking down at the paper in front of him. “Yes, right, thanks, Alice. So, well, if we have a look at, um, the second half of the report . . .” The audience’s subconscious first impression? Powerlessness. Alternatively, he could look to Alice, smile, and thank her. Then pause, focus and keep his eyes on the people in front of him, and with a calm smile, say, “Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll please turn to the second half of the report, we’ll begin there. I’m going to share with you . . .” Or, “Thanks, Alice,” followed by a funny opener. The point is to speak with clarity right from the outset, avoiding powerless linguistic and nonverbal markers. The audience’s subconscious first impression then? Powerful. What matters is not that you come across as powerful, but that as a result, the audience is more likely to focus and give greater consideration to your message. This will increase your likelihood of making a significant, positive contribution—“You had me at hello.”
2. Self-evaluate. Once you’re mindful of these verbal and nonverbal markers, you’ll pick them up yourself. As horrible as it can feel, record yourself or ask someone else to help you do it while you’re practicing or even in the moment if possible, and do actually watch it! Look out for specific things you can intentionally begin to change.
3. Seek feedback. We may not be aware of regularly using some of these powerless verbal or nonverbal markers. Our use of them might be habitual. Ask for feedback after every time you speak, and encourage real and specific input. A dear friend and mentor of mine, Flip Flippen, asks his team for feedback every time he speaks. He insists on it. Once a new, young member of his team, David, went with him to a keynote, and on the return drive had only flattering comments to make about the speech. Flip pulled the car over and said that he would call a driver to take David back to the office. The young man was obviously surprised, and Flip said, “David, I don’t want to spend three hours in the car with someone who can’t make me better. So speak up or catch a ride!” Of course, David quickly got the idea and had some suggestions as to how Flip could improve. Flip wanted to show David how serious he was about this—that asking for feedback wasn’t a trick to get positive reinforcement but a fierce commitment to getting better, and that the people he wanted around him were those who would help him improve. It’s no surprise that he is one of the most impactful speakers I know. We should never graduate from seeking feedback, regardless of our position or how long we’ve been in our industry. When seeking feedback, be specific—for example, “After my talk, I’d appreciate your feedback not only on my content but also on my style.” Ask questions about your content, takeaway message, and style. For example, “Did I hesitate or use filler words often?” Rarely is feedback tough enough. When facilitating feedback, I find most colleagues are happy to offer one another positive feedback and make one or two small suggestions for change (which means I often end up playing the bad guy and giving the tough feedback!). So if you do value others’ opinions, you will most likely need to push for honesty and ask them to be specific about what you could do differently.
4. Choose small changes. Some of what I’ve outlined in this chapter might not be relevant to you. But the smallest changes can lead to big differences as you create alignment between your verbal and nonverbal messages. And some points may be useful in equipping you to help others by giving them feedback. Be committed to the development of others’ authentic gravitas, and be prepared to give constructive feedback even when it would be easier to just stay silent.
We all have areas where we need to grow and improve. There’s a difference between natural and authentic. Being authentic is not about simply embracing the natural style that we have (most likely inadvertently) developed over time. It is about committing to our intention for impact.
VIRTUAL GRAVITAS
“Rebecca”—Lincoln pulled me aside during a lunch break at an executive education program—“Can we chat?” He had just stepped into a new role in California, and the majority of his new team was based overseas. We had been working through some of the principles of authentic gravitas that morning, and Lincoln was concerned about his ability to have the same positive impact he was used to having now that he was leading teams virtually.
Let’s wrap up our discussion of the IMPACT model by taking a look at virtual gravitas, because, let’s face it, for much of our work today, we may not be physically present with our colleagues and clients. One study comparing electronic and face-to-face communication for 230 people highlighted some of the challenges of virtual working. Compared to face-to-face interaction, virtual communication fluency was reduced by around 90 percent! The study also found that electronic communication increased encoding effort for information givers, and increased communication ambiguity and cognitive effort for both parties.12
How can we build connection and communicate with impact when we’re facing the challenges of not actually being in the same room? While it can require more effort and add complexity, the principles stay the same. If anything, they are more important. We certainly would consider the impact we want to have on an audience before an important presentation. But we can be less intentional when it comes to a smaller meeting. And even less so as we jump onto a conference call or fling out an email. Certainly, we may give great consideration to important communications, but we tend to consider the content of what we say/write more than how we want to impact those we encounter. Following the IMPACT model provides a useful guide to ensuring that we minimize the gap between intention and impact. What are your insight goals? How do you want them (the people you engage with via video chat/call/email/text) to think, feel, and potentially act differently as a result of this encounter with you? What is motivating them? What is their perception of this situation and of you right now? If nothing else, what would you want them to remember and pass on? How should you open and close? What stories would be relevant and support your message? And finally, think about your technique.
On a conference call, building in time for the “space in the middle” is difficult. We are even more likely to stick to our agenda, swapping quickly from niceties and small talk (usually once everyone is on the call, or after a couple of minutes, if there are just two people) straight into the agenda items. And rarely are broader
business questions and a discussion about shifting industry environments, structural changes, altered priorities, or professional/personal developments on that agenda. But the discovery process doesn’t become less important just because we have structures and virtual working habits that reduce our likelihood of engaging with it. Those who are able to build authentic gravitas are the ones who push against the virtual norms and intentionally create windows to engage in discovery.
Many people work with others regularly but almost exclusively remotely. We have clients, suppliers, and colleagues in other parts of the world. We have to be especially intentional about building genuine connection when it’s more difficult, as is the case in the virtual world. It doesn’t just happen in the office over months and years of making coffee in the same place. The risk of creating a large gap between intention and impact is greater with virtual working relationships. We more frequently misinterpret tone when we can’t see others’ facial expressions. And we misinterpret words on an email without a tone to color them. My advice to Lincoln was, whenever possible—if in any way possible—to start his relationship with someone who would be primarily a virtual connection face-to-face. We remember faces and we remember tone. When I hear someone I know speaking on the phone, I picture their face as they speak. When I read an email from someone I’ve met, I subconsciously add his or her tone to the words I read. Even one encounter at the beginning can reduce misinterpretation in virtual connection and increase the likelihood of having the intended impact. Of course, there are situations where it’s just not possible to meet face-to-face at the start of a relationship. Use virtual technology to experience facial expressions and tone as much as possible, before shifting into more of a written (email) relationship (if possible, limit email to routine communication, and keep the calls and visual exchanges for any areas requiring explanation or exploration, or where there’s a chance there may be sensitivities).
As technology continues to rapidly advance, it will likely decrease our misinterpretation gap, affording us more and better-quality virtual interactions where we can clearly experience not only tone but also body language, particularly facial expressions. Most of us already have access to high-quality applications that allow this. But I’ve met executives across many different fields, even—surprisingly—technology companies, who do not regularly utilize these resources in leading their virtual teams and working with remote clients and suppliers. It’s up to us to prioritize these tools and to build in windows for discovery and connection, the way we would more naturally when meeting face-to-face.
AUTHENTIC IMPACT: CONFIDENCE IN YOUR MESSAGE AND THE COURAGE TO CHANGE
As we come to a close on how we connect for authentic gravitas, let’s return to James, the senior executive who wasn’t himself in his annual presentations at the board meeting, who we met at the end of chapter 2. All the gravitas in his daily working life disappeared when he went into that room each year (and even when we role-played being in the boardroom). His style was stoic and his content was lackluster, devoid of any personalization. After James disclosed how he felt about the board meeting, I suggested we take a break and walk around his office. As we wandered through various sections where his team worked, I asked him what these people were doing. “Oh, they’re working on some important new structures. They will really help with our regional expansions!” he replied. “This team is looking at how we drive engagement. It could impact the whole of our global business,” he asserted. James went on and on. He was passionate. There was energy in his communication—both verbal and nonverbal. James kept talking throughout our walk, explaining projects and plans for the year ahead. When we finally circled back to the boardroom, I directed him, “Now, just say that.” The rehearsal was now completely different. James had his gravitas back. He was right to be passionate and excited about the work of his team and the impact they would have on the wider business in the years ahead. He stopped focusing on the potential of this being a terrible day for him and instead chose to concentrate on communicating the good work his team was doing. He was connecting with me (and later with his board members) in an authentic way. Because he was being real, he was confident in his message, even if he still didn’t feel confident personally. He had to choose courage to deliver the message to his audience because it felt dangerous, in this career-defining talk, to openly share his personal convictions and goals for his team. And he needed to embrace a few new styles, breaking some old unintentional habits. But by being courageous enough to change and confident in his message, James found his authentic gravitas. It sounds too good to be true, but James honestly told me later that it went from being his worst professional day of the year (every year) to his best.
Whether it’s in small internal meetings or large presentations, be intentional about the type of impact you want to make on those around you and be disciplined in making adjustments to your behavioral habits to minimize the gap between intention and impact. How you impact other people and how they regard you are not things that happen to you; they’re a choice you get to make. Ensuring you increasingly make that positive, significant impact you’re after requires a commitment to self-leadership, which we now turn to in chapter 5.
PRACTICES TO DEVELOP YOUR TECHNIQUE
Quickly review these seven points before future meetings or presentations. They are designed to serve as a reminder of the technique principles to align your intention and impact:
Be intentional about your nonverbal messages as well as your verbal communication (how you’re communicating, not just what you’re saying).
Seek specific feedback, for example, around any powerless markers and distracting gestures.
Consider the motivational state of your audience (e.g., promotion- or prevention-focused) and choose nonverbal behaviors that “fit”—including the full range of your voice, pace, and hand gestures.
Be still, or don’t. Or do both. Just avoid the meeting room or presentation floor “waltz.”
Watch out for “face freeze” and practice muscle-loosening exercises (like the one on this page), if necessary.
Whether in your seat or standing up, start your presentation with your body centered, and be aware of giving everyone equal eye contact, regardless of the (likely unintentional) messages they are sending you.
Follow the principles of IMPACT when working virtually. Build in time for exploration and “space in the middle,” and utilize the virtual technologies available to you.
FIVE
INSPIRING PEOPLE LIVE INSPIRED
The Promise and Practicalities of Self-Leadership
I would like to emphasize to both young and old the importance of creativity, of struggling for honesty, and of accepting there will be failures along the way in any career. To me, the most important things in life are to struggle to improve, to struggle to be honest, and to struggle to re-evaluate one’s prejudices.
—Dr. Graham Farquhar, biophysicist and Senior Australian of the Year 2018
Authentic gravitas is built upon a foundation of trust and integrity. If we consider someone to have authentic gravitas, we not only trust their intention (that their professed intention is their actual intention), but we also trust their abilities (they will deliver, to the very best of their abilities, what they say they will deliver), and we trust their commitment to improvement—to developing both themselves and their sphere of influence and responsibility. So ability—or at least a commitment to growing our ability—does matter when it comes to gravitas. Going beyond the loud voice and grand gestures of surface gravitas to add meaningful, significant value, we need to not only attend to what we say and how we say it, but also to our abilities that give integrity to what we say. A commitment to growing our skills and abilities underpins a capacity to authentically “lead the room.” Gravitas requires a commitment to ongoing self-leadership.
While we might think that increasing our gravitas is
all about how we relate to others, it’s not. Some of it is just about me. I have to focus on myself to positively impact others and the situation I’m in. I need to lead myself to bring integrity to the contributions I make. Self-leadership is the influence a person uses to control their own behavior and thoughts, including behavioral and cognitive strategies intended to increase their personal effectiveness and performance.1 In this chapter, we’ll look at various behavioral and cognitive strategies for self-leadership to increase authentic gravitas.
Once I lead myself well, I have the potential to effectively “lead the room.” And people with gravitas lead—influencing and facilitating others toward achieving collective goals.2 This is not because of their place in the hierarchy (although they may be in positions of authority), but because of their personal power and influence that transcend hierarchy (more on this in chapter 7). When we look at “leading” here, we are not speaking to the formal position of leadership or management within an organization. Rather, this is a consideration of the extent to which professionals lead themselves and are able to influence and facilitate others toward achieving collective goals. They take responsibility and are able to contribute in a positive, significant way to lead the conversation, lead the project, and lead through challenges, regardless of position. We can only add true value to others by first, and continually, challenging and changing ourselves.
Authentic Gravitas Page 12