by Scarlet West
I stared. “No.”
It couldn’t be. But it was. And, worse, he’d seen me.
Reid Collingwood. Broad-shouldered, auburn, and dressed to die for in an olive jacket and dark jeans. I felt my cheeks flame with embarrassment, seeing him there in real life, almost as if I had conjured him up. I wondered, blushing wildly, if he could possibly guess what I had been thinking.
He looked at me, staring. Then, blushing himself, he looked away. I stared at the floor.
Oh, hell, I thought to myself. He’s embarrassed, too. Good. Maybe he’s finally remorseful for being such a prick.
I looked back at my son, who was staring up at me.
“Mom?” he asked. “Are you even listening to me?”
“I’m sorry baby,” I said, catching a note of concern in his voice. I made myself smile, reassuring. “Did you give your order?”
I hoped my voice was level. I felt my skin prickle, wondering if Reid was watching us. I could just see him at the window, sitting two tables away, in a line just to the left of us. I could feel his eyes burning on my skin, and knew he was watching us. I started to sweat. I felt hyper-aware of him, like every part of my body was tingling, able to feel his gaze from far across the room.
“I did!” he informed me, beaming. “I asked for a waffle, with ice-cream, and golden syrup, and…”
As he repeated the whole list, word-for-word, again, my eyes drifted across the room and caught Reid Collingwood, staring at me. I thought, just before he looked down again, that I could see the trace of a grin. But that was probably just my imagination. All the same, something in my heart sparked gently. What the hell was wrong with me? The first guy I was attracted to in years was a total and complete ass.
And I couldn’t stop wondering what he’d feel like on top of me.
10
Reid
I couldn’t help watching her covertly across the restaurant. Even as it started filling up and the table between her and me was occupied, I still kept on glancing over in her direction. She and her son were a fascinating pair. The naughty thoughts that had flooded my mind on seeing her shifted, giving way to real tenderness as I watched them interacting.
“Aw, Mom! Your breakfast is boring,” her son declared as their orders arrived. “You didn’t even get sprinkles. Look! Mine has rainbow sprinkles.”
I saw her lips twist up in a grin. “Fine. You’re right. Yours is very pretty. But mine’s got vanilla ice cream. So there.”
“So’s mine!” the little boy stated, emphasizing his point with a jab of the fork into the aforementioned ice cream.
“Yes. But now yours is all stained with the sprinkles,” Hayley grinned. “Look. I have pretty white ice cream. All clean, like new snow.”
Her son stuck his lip out in consternation. I could almost see the thoughts crossing his brain.
I wanted to laugh. I looked across and caught Hayley’s eye. She beamed and I sucked the insides of my cheeks to try and contain my grin. It must have escaped me, though, because I saw a bright twinkle in her eye and guessed we’d exchanged a smile.
“You’ve got coffee,” her son retorted after a full minute. “And that tastes gross.” He made a face.
I had to laugh. I knew I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but I couldn’t help it. In that café the pair of them were like a bright ray of hopeful sunshine. I had never seen such an adorable kid, such genuine open interaction between a mother and her child.
Conversation died down for a while as some serious eating took place. I watched her son put his head down and concentrate on making the waffle disappear. It made me want to laugh. I recalled being that age – I guessed he must be somewhere between six and nine; I’d never been good at guessing the age of children – and eating everything in sight.
When they’d finished their breakfast, they sat for a while, just chatting quietly about their plans for the week. I listened in intermittently, just enjoying the moment. I found myself wondering – just distantly – what it would be like to have a family; to wake up and talk about my plans for the week with somebody. My heart hurt like a physical pain. Something so simple – something most people did every day and took for granted – was so beautiful, so inaccessible, that it felt like water in a desert.
I could never have that in my life. I’m a mess. I’m a monster. I’m lucky just to be alive. But why?
It was that question that haunted me. Why had the Afghan patrol that surprised us, not killed me? It was my fault that the platoon was there – in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Why should I have been left, and all of them were lying dead out there in the rocks and empty landscape?
“Damn it.”
“More coffee, sir?” the waiter asked, circulating past the table.
I shot him a look. “No, thanks.”
I stood to go and pay for my breakfast, noticing as I did so that Hayley and her son had already left. I caught sight of them on the way out of the restaurant. They were standing by her car. Somebody had left a rose on the windshield.
As I watched, she lifted it between finger and thumb and threw it away, as far away as she could get it, as if it was a ready grenade. Then she covered her face with her hands and sobbed.
11
Hayley
My son stood looking up at me helplessly. He was scared; I knew that. I should be able to be there for him; should be comforting him. Instead, I was the one sobbing like a child in pain, desperately in need of being comforted.
It was Joel. I knew it was. That was what he’d always done when he’d managed to find us.
“No,” I whispered. “No. Please no.”
He had managed to find us here. I’d left the state I was born in and come all the way out here to California. I’d chosen the most obscure town I could think of.
Last time, when he’d found us, it had taken him only two weeks. Now, we’d been here nearly four months. I really thought he’d given up this time. That was what made it so terrible. I thought the nightmare had ended.
“Mommy, is everything ok?”
I heard my son’s plaintive voice, trying so, so hard to be grown up. I took my hands from my face and knelt down in front of him.
“Yes baby, everything is ok. Mommy is going to make sure that everything is ok.”
I was on my knees, rocking back and forth. I couldn’t help it. I was beyond being sensible and strong. I was beyond any rational way of coping with this. I was terrified.
My son was crying too, soundless tears rolling unchecked down his cheeks. I held out my arms and he stepped into them and we stayed there, unmoving, just the two of us, in the parking lot. I felt his small, soft body pressed to mine, seeking comfort.
“Mommy, it’s okay,” Joshua whispered in my ear, his small child’s voice repeating words of comfort I said to him when he woke from nightmares. “It’s okay, mommy. Don’t cry. Please?”
I sniffed and tried to get a grip on myself. I knew my reaction was terrifying him; probably even more than the prospect of Joel would scare him. I hiccupped as I stopped crying and squeezed him tight.
“It’s okay, honey,” I whispered. I stroked his head, seeking comfort in the fact that I had to be strong for him. I had to be a safe place, because he needed me.
I looked around the parking lot, wondering if he was there. I felt my hair prickle on the back of my neck. Was he watching us? How the hell had he managed to find us, anyway? I never did know how he managed it. Did he mine my co-workers for information? Had he bugged my car? I would probably never know. All that mattered to me right then was that he’d done it.
“We can’t stay here anymore.”
“Mommy, no!”
This time, it was my son who was racked with grief. He looked up at me, hazel-brown eyes watery and betrayed.
“Mommy, no!” he said again. He sounded desperate. “I like this school. I have friends here. Mommy, please. Please, please, please can’t we stay?”
I swallowed hard. I wished I could make him understand how dan
gerous that was – I had tried so hard to shelter him from the horror. Joel had said he’d kill me, if he found me. Worse, he’d threatened to hurt Joshua. Or to take him away from me.
“It’s dangerous,” I said desperately. “We can’t. It’s just too dangerous.”
I saw Joshua’s eyes kindle with the beginnings of rage. Then, to my even greater horror, the rage hardened. I saw it turn inwards, stiffening into a resigned indifference I would have expected on a much older man.
“Fine,” he whispered bitterly. He turned around and got into the car, sat in the back seat and looked pointedly out of the window.
“Josh?” I whispered. “Josh please?” He’d never done this before. I was really frightened now.
“Hayley?”
Somebody called me from behind. I felt my stomach twist with nausea and I almost threw up right there. I turned around.
“Hayley?” Reid said softly.
His blue eyes were gentle and caring. He held out a hand to me. I took a step back, wary. What was he doing? How long had he been watching us? How much had he heard?
“Yes?” I said. I wiped my hand surreptitiously under my nose, aware that I must look a real mess. “Hayley?” he said again. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but are you okay?”
I sniffed. “Yeah,” I said, trying hard to look unbothered. I glanced sideways, to where the red rose still lay, tossed into a parking space two car’s length away. I fervently hoped he hadn’t seen that incident – it would require more explaining than I was going to do.
He frowned. “Are you sure? You look pretty upset.”
“I’m fine,” I insisted, starting to feel uncomfortable. “How do you know my name?” I asked, suddenly aware that he’d used it twice now.
He looked sheepish. “One of your coworkers mentioned it when my friend and I were at the café the other day.”
I nodded my head. “Oh, right.”
He put his big hands into his pockets and regarded me again. “Do you need help with something?”
“Why would you ask that?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. The way you reacted to that flower and the way your son…”
I cut him off right there. “It’s really none of your business; especially not my son.” With that I turned away and opened my car door.
I sat down in my seat, slammed the door and pushed the key into the ignition. I started the car with unnecessary vigor and we roared out of the parking bay and into the street.
“Who was that?” Joshua asked.
“Somebody from work,” I said swiftly. I didn’t want to get into it. All the same, it was a relief to hear Josh sounding normal. I could thank Reid for that at least – for turning up and distracting both of us from our pain.
“He looked nice,” Joshua said.
“Probably,” I said plainly.
We drove back home, both of us feeling calmer than we had been. Strangely, seeing Reid had done that, but I didn’t have time to unpack the meaning of that just then.
When I got into my apartment, I waited for Joshua to get settled in his bedroom, and then I pulled out my phone.
“Ryanne?”
“Hayley! Hi!” My friend sounded delighted. “How are you?”
I sighed. “Listen, he found me.”
“Who? Reid?”
“No,” I said, feeling annoyed. Why would this have anything to do with Reid? “My ex. He’s here. He managed to track me down again.”
I started crying, tears tracing their way down my cheek, scalding. I tried to muffle the sound – I desperately didn’t want my son to hear me and get freaked out by my terror. But I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t hold it back now that I had someone who could hear me.
“Oh, no, that’s terrible,” Ryanne said gently. “What happened. Did you see him?”
“No,” I whispered. I explained to her what he’d always done – the horror of finding that rose still alive in my veins, making my heart contract. “I know it,” I finished, hiccupping on tears. “I know it’s him who left it there.”
“I see,” Ryanne said after a long while. “So, what are you going to do? Have you notified the police?”
“How can I?” I almost shouted. “What am I supposed to say? I think my ex-husband found me because I found a flower on my car?”
I was sobbing again, desperation tight in my throat. That was the worst thing about the whole situation – Joel never actually did anything I could call the cops for. He left messages, notes, all traceless, nothing to prove it was actually him. He was torturing me, terrifying me, and I couldn’t tell anybody; couldn’t reach out for help. Nobody would believe me.
“They’d think I was crazy.”
“You’re not,” Ryanne said, after I’d finished sobbing. “You’re not crazy. This is stalking. This is illegal, all on its own. You do know that; don’t you?”
“Maybe,” I whispered. I still felt so stupid. I was convinced anyone I told would think I was mad. But maybe she was right. Maybe there was another way this time. This was the first time I had such a good friend, for a start.
“Definitely,” she said. “You need to call the police Hayley. Anything you need, you call me, huh? Anything. I’m here.”
I felt my heart melt. “Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank you.”
After I’d hung up, I felt much better. I stopped shaking. I went to the kettle and made myself some tea. I sat in the chair by the window, looking out at the garden around the courtyard, and trying to calm down.
I heard Joshua in his room. He was playing something – I could hear the odd jubilant hiss as he scored and the bitter exclamations as he missed. I said a silent prayer that he was okay – that this hadn’t shaken him too badly; that my reaction hadn’t undermined his trusting me.
I also found myself oddly grateful that Reid had been there. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, the man had been a real life saver just then. He’d been one of the first people in a long time to genuinely look like he wanted to help. I couldn’t help but wonder at the dichotomy of his personality. Friendly and concerned one moment, closed off and angry the next. I didn’t know which side of him was the real one. But the more I thought about it, the more I found myself wanting to find out.
12
Hayley
“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered to myself.
I was sitting in the park, watching as Joshua ran around the field, playing a game of soccer with some of the other local kids. I had promised him a fun day, and I was doing my best to make it happen. Inside, though, I was terrified. My mind kept going back to that moment in the parking lot.
Maybe it was a case of mistaken identity.
I knew it was far-fetched, but was that really any more far-fetched than assuming that Joel had managed to find me there – in this small, unremarkable town in a big, remarkable state?
I closed my eyes, trying to reassure myself. Maybe that was it. Somebody else had put the rose there thinking it was someone else’s car. Maybe my worst nightmare wasn’t coming true after all. I recalled the last time I had seen Joel. It had been two years ago, just before we’d finally left Oregon. I shivered, remembering his thin face, those emotionless brown eyes. He’d always been a good-looking man. In that moment when I’d opened the door and seen him in the yard, he hadn’t been good looking, though. His face twisted with hate, eyes fanatical, he’d been like something from a nightmare.
I’d closed the door again and locked it. Josh and I sat with our backs to the wall, avoiding anywhere that could be seen from the window. We’d stayed like that for about an hour, until I’d finally gotten the courage to look through the window again. He’d gone.
I had known, after seeing him there, that none of his threats were lies. He meant every one of them. And if I gave him half a chance, he’d follow through on every one.
That was why we’d left Oregon in a hurry. We’d gone from town to town, staying for short bits of time, but he always managed to find us. I didn’t have the money to
buy a new, unrecognizable car or get Josh and me set up with new names, so we just had to keep moving. It had been a year-and-a-half of exhausted terror.
Finally, a little over four months ago, we’d come here, and I’d applied for the job at the café. I didn’t know what I would have done without finding the job. I’d seen an advertisement, called the number and got Ryanne, who’d instantly liked me.
It had finally started to feel like we might be able to call the place home. I closed my eyes, trying to blot the horror from my mind. Oddly, as I sat there thinking about it, the face that kept coming back into my mind was not Joel. It was Reid.
I felt my stomach flip with embarrassment just thinking about him having seen the whole incident. He must really think I was a total train wreck. But the concern on his face had been genuine. And I’d blown him off yet again.
“Mom!” Josh ran over, flushed and smiling. “Mom! You saw my kick? I got the goal, right from over there!” he pointed across the small field triumphantly, gap-toothed smile huge.
“Yes,” I nodded, feeling guilty. I had been so preoccupied I hadn’t noticed. “You’re a great kicker, kiddo.”
He didn’t seem to notice my preoccupation – just grinned at me again and ran off. I heard him shouting to his friends as they ran around the green area.
“I did it! I’m Ronaldo!”
I started laughing. I closed my eyes a moment, so glad that I had my son in my life. He was in so many ways my salvation. I wished I could tell him that, but it was too big a burden to put on a boy so young.
I blinked back tears and tried to think about some logical way around my dilemma. What could I do?
I needed to know if he’d found us.
I couldn’t go making plans and drawing deductions until I knew it really was Joel, not some awful coincidence.
I took out my phone and called my mom.