by Jessica Leed
To her surprise, his lips curled.
‘There she is.’
She folded her knees to her chest and hugged them. ‘What do you mean?’ she laughed at his sudden liveliness.
‘This is more like the girl I know. The Sienna who isn’t afraid of telling me off. You’re still a firecracker. I like it,’ he smirked.
She shrugged, annoyed at herself for being unable to hold back from smiling.
He really was contagious.
‘A firecracker? Really? I’m not so sure about that one. But me telling you off, that’s something I can’t see changing because you always have to know everything about everything,’ she giggled. ‘Someone has to put you back in your place. It feels quite satisfying to finally tell you so.’
He laughed. ‘It’s been way too long since we have cut through all the crap and had a completely honest conversation.’
‘Are you saying that our conversations today haven’t been honest?’ she questioned him playfully.
He pretended to look offended. Surely, he knew she hadn’t shared her heart? She hadn’t shared a fraction of it. It has been securely shut like a vault in safe keeping. He shook his head.
‘No?’
He shook his head faster this time. ‘No,’ he agreed.
‘No?’ she asked again, laughing with him.
‘No, because you are holding something back, I know you are,’ he added.
Instead of answering, she hugged her knees even tighter towards her body.
‘Even though you seem so convinced I don’t know you anymore, I know you well enough to have a pretty clear idea that there is a lot more going on in there.’
He extended a finger towards the direction of her heart. She slapped it away before it had a chance to reach her.
‘Are you questioning my honestly, Kahler?’
He nodded confidently. ‘Maybe I am, Henderson.’
‘And what am I not telling you?’ she tested him.
‘That I don’t know. But what I do know is that you haven’t brought up your fiancé once today and that doesn’t sit right with me,’ he pulled a face. ‘Especially since this guy is meant to be extraordinary.’
‘And that he is,’ she shot back.
‘Hmmm’ he murmured and looked away.
‘You’re so infuriating.’
‘Not as infuriating as you.’ He was staring at her again, his smirk indicating that he wasn’t going to back down on the banter.
‘How so?’ she challenged him.
‘You’ve just become hard to read.’
‘Guess you can’t figure me out after all,’ she joked.
‘Not yet anyway.’
Not yet? What did he mean by that? She wasn’t planning on staying in Aringdale long. Even if she was, it wouldn’t be a wise idea to spend any more time with him. She held the thought long enough for the momentum to be broken.
He cleared his throat. ‘What I mean is, let’s not let another eight years go by without seeing each other again.’
‘Nine,’ she corrected him.
‘Nine,’ he repeated, smiling—but it stopped short of his eyes.
‘I never wanted that in the first place. You do realise that, right?’
She knew better than to go there, but she couldn’t help herself. The truth of the matter was, it had never been her intention to distance herself from him for any of those years. It had been out of her control and in no way had been her decision.
She could see that he was somehow affected by the way his focus was down in his hands. He knew she was right. He had to. The regret in his eyes told her that much.
‘I never wanted that,’ his voice came weak, almost a whisper.
She bit down on her bottom lip, feeling her chest fill all over again with that horrible ache. She looked at him, unable to speak in fear that tears would leave her eyes. She inhaled a shaky breath, confused at the tide of emotion that had overcome her. ‘What did you want?’ It sounded more like a desperate plea. It must have come across this way too as his eyes met hers.
‘More for you.’ He didn’t blink. ‘More than I could give you at the time.’
To have him look at her this way was more than she could handle. She refused to let herself break. She squeezed her eyes shut in hope that the tears would subside. But when she opened them, they willingly spilt down her face.
Instead of hiding them she let them fall.
‘What couldn’t you give me Ethan?’ She hated herself for loosening her grip on that damn guard of hers. What was she doing exposing her heart like this? She was stronger than that.
She had to be stronger.
‘You left. You spread your wings’ he started, his eyes firm on hers. ‘You grew up Sienna. You became independent. Your dance career became everything to you, your sole focus. You didn’t need me anymore.’
‘You were everything to me,’ she responded, abruptly.
She unfolded her legs as a combination of resentment, fury and hurt washed over her. His face was down again, his features holding that same, sorrowful expression from earlier. She didn’t wait for his response. She didn’t want to hear it. It was irrelevant now, it didn’t matter what he said. It wouldn’t change things. Not now.
Maybe she just needed this moment to release all the suppressed feelings time had failed to loosen. Now she had voiced as much as she prepared to, she could get back to her life.
And she would.
Aringdale had made her sentimental for long enough. It was time to shake off whatever this was that has overcome her and get a hold on herself.
On reality.
‘I’m sorry,’ she sighed. She brushed away the few tears that remained. ‘This is the last place I expected tonight’s conversation would go. I didn’t mean …’
He gently took her knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. ‘I don’t think either of us did,’ he started. ‘I’m so sorry. The last thing I want is to make you all upset.’
Now she felt embarrassed, silly.
She would never drink again. Another reason not to go near that stuff.
The rain outside had stopped, yet the silence between them was thunderous. What now? They had parted ways before and would do so again. It’s time to say goodnight.
And goodbye.
‘I should probably get back,’ she smiled forcing the door closed on her unsettled feelings. ‘Thank you for today, for this evening. It was lovely to see you again.’
He nodded, accepting the distance she placed back between them. ‘Sienna …we never got the chance to talk about what—’
She held up her hand and shook her head. Never got the chance? He had almost a decade of opportunity. ‘It’s really ok, we don’t have to go there. It was so long-ago Ethan, please.’ She swallowed, hoping to soften the lump that expanded in her throat. ‘Let’s just leave it at that.’ Her guard was back up. This time she would be stronger. She didn’t need to be reminded that she had been friend zoned the entire time she had been in love with him. She didn’t want to hear it.
And there was no reason to justify it.
She couldn’t understand why he seemed to be so affected by this. Not when he had had years to make it right. Clearly their friendship didn’t mean as much to him to have given up on it, to have given up on her. She had every right to be angry. Every reason to feel hurt and rejected. But strangely, being back in his company made her feel everything but that. She was disappointed, yes. But somehow amidst the unsettling ache, he gave her an unexplained sense of comfort.
‘When do you leave?’
‘I haven’t decided. I won’t be here longer than a week, probably.’
He looked at her intently and nodded. ‘Can I see you before you head back? For old times’ sake?’
For old times’ sake.
Really? She didn’t want him doing
her any favours.
‘I’ll probably be at the theatre for the rest of the week,’ she ignored his question. ‘Maybe I’ll see you there.’
‘You’ll be seeing me,’ he responded, sure of himself.
She wasn’t sure if he meant it, or if planning to see her again was his way of dealing with the guilt of time they had lost. Either way, she would be at the theatre without any expectation of restoring their friendship. Things would never be the same between them again. Too much time had passed, too much had happened. If their bond had been strong enough, it would have survived the years, maybe even thrived.
But it hadn’t, and that spoke in itself.
All the lights were out by the time she returned home. She stood in the middle of her old room, confronted by the whirlwind of emotions weighing upon her. She wasn’t used to having time to just, stop. To be still, to reflect. She wasn’t used to her mind racing a million miles an hour like this.
She threw her handbag down on her white embroidered doona and took out her phone for the first time that night.
Three missed calls and a text message. All from Patrick.
With weary eyes, she scanned the text over.
Hey. Been trying to reach you. Why won’t you answer your phone? Thought the theatre didn’t have reception.
Not only was it controlling, it questioned her motives. Where was the trust between them? She threw her phone down, missing the mattress completely. It landed on the floorboards with a thud and it would stay there. She didn’t have the energy to respond. Not in a way that would be safe, words carefully structured in a way where a fight could be avoided.
She collapsed onto the bed feeling the load of the day weighing on top of her. After her parents’ confusion of her surprise arrival the night before along with day she had, she hadn’t had a moment to digest exactly what she felt being back home. Back in her old room staring at the same ceiling where she had once pondered all her dreams.
The box of letters.
It must have been six years since she last added to it. Back when her Nanna passed away. She had kept hold of the memorial booklet along with half attempted poetry and cards her friends made over the years. Then there were the letters her and Ethan had exchanged over their countless bus rides home.
She rolled open her cupboard door and knelt down to take out the black cardboard box containing the depths of her soul. It was full to the brim with layers of paper spewing from beneath the lid. She carried the box to her bed, crossing her legs as she settled down with it. She removed the lid, feeling overwhelmed at the quantity of letters inside.
She suddenly grew nervous at what she would uncover. It would take hours to sort through what appeared to be a hundred letters, all identical in nature, all folded into quarters. How many had they exchanged over the years anyway? She quickly did the math. They had begun in 2005, daily, weekly, then monthly before the odd letter was written by the time 2010 came around. There would have been at least seventy or eighty letters exchanged over the space of those five years. Thousands of written words that once held so much worth. A worth that slowly lost its value as the years rolled over, as their friendship washed-out to nothingness. Even now she struggled to shake the bitterness wrapped firmly around her heart.
Nothing lasts forever, she reassured herself.
Tonight was going to be a lucky dip, she didn’t have the energy to sort through them in any sort of order. Her already weary eyes were growing heavier by the minute.
Her attention was drawn to a letter half in size of the others, folded four or five times into a little square. Whatever words were hidden beneath appeared to hold some sort of secrecy. With her heart beating quicker than normal, she opened the letter and smoothed out the creases.
11th June 2008
So, the other day I heard that you were going to the movies with Brody. I thought ‘Oh no!’ My little sister is going off with a boy that I have no idea what he wants from her. It scared me. But after hearing the way you feel about him made me realise that this guy means the world to you.
Please Sienna, as one of your closest and caring friends I’m asking that you get to know this guy better before you rush into a relationship. Get to know him out of school, get to know his friends, his values, his attitudes. Once you know him well it will be so much easier to go out with him. You two can even hang out with Sadie and I, we would love to get to know him.
Love you Sienna. I’m always here, thank you for opening up and sharing your heart.
She folded the letter exactly the way she found it. Folding it four times over, then five.
Then wept.
Ten
She wasn’t sure what drew her to Brody Manis.
She did remember it was a season where all her friends seemed to be in relationships and hadn’t wanted to be the odd one out. It was the second term of eleventh grade. The year she made the transition from a private to public school. A school literally eight times the size of her previous one as it hadn’t offered VCE at the time.
Aringdale Senior College was a maze.
A large school meant there were a lot more guys. A pool so much bigger, she could hardly wait to start fishing. She didn’t have her rod out for long with how quick Brody took her attention. Every morning she would walk past his group of friends that hung out at the main stairwell of the locker rooms. Every time she would feel his big blue eyes on her each time she passed. But even then, not a single word had been exchanged between them. This continued on for at least three or four weeks before he actually had the courage to approach her. Like her, Brody was shy, although on the outside anyone would assume he had all the confidence in the world. He was intimidating to say the least; tall, broad with sandy blonde hair and a perfect olive complexion that only made his eyes glow brighter. His friends weren’t half bad to look at either, footballers, known as the school ‘jocks’. In other words; the popular boys. A group of guys every girl wanted to be seen with if they ever wanted to be anyone. Just like high school there were distinct groups, a classification system, a hierarchy.
And Sienna was determined to be at the top.
She didn’t want to be a nobody, especially during her final years of school. So, when Brody took an interest in her, it was a big deal.
From the moment he asked her out, her whole world changed. She went from wearing clothes she never thought twice about in the past, to shopping at the high-end stores in town, purchasing the latest trends she couldn’t really afford. Until then, she never really wore makeup other than a light foundation and a touch of mascara. With her natural beauty and even skin tone, she never had to try very hard to look beautiful. But as a young adolescent she hadn’t learned that less was more. Especially with her desperate attempts to be noticed.
It wasn’t long before she found herself in the bathroom for an hour each morning before school, curling her hair and applying heavier makeup around her eyes. As soon as she realised her physical beauty she became more conscious of the attention she received and had soaked it up like a sponge. It wasn’t just Brody. Whether she was passing by in the corridor or lining up at the canteen, all looked at her with lustful eyes.
Her friends were quick to notice the change in her, the air of confidence she acquired almost overnight and the way she started holding herself. She brushed off any questions whenever she was asked if there was a boy in the picture. She hadn’t wanted to share the news. Not straight away anyway. The whole Brody idea seemed too good to be true. Besides, there was always the fear that he would get bored and trade her in. So, she kept her mouth shut.
But soon enough she reached a point where she had to tell someone. And unfortunately, her parents had to be the first. Planning her way to and from the movie theatre was a too difficult to plot without a license.
There was no other way around it.
She had no idea how to approach them, what to say, or how to say it.
Confrontation had never been her thing, she knew she would come across defensive as soon as she opened her mouth. Brody was her first official boyfriend which meant her dad would definitely be over the top about the whole thing. She needed advice on how to approach the situation. There was one person’s advice she respected more than anyone’s—Ethan’s.
So, she wrote him a letter. She was a little apprehensive at first as they weren’t exactly close having slowly grown apart at the same time as his relationship with Sadie had progressed. In the same space of time, her friendship with Sadie had fallen by the wayside. It wasn’t intentional, but she hadn’t tried very hard either. How could she? She was tired of putting on a front every time they hung out together in a group, looking in on their endless displays of affection. An emotional affection she believed he once had for her, a physical affection they had the potential of sharing.
Yes, even after three years it still left a persistent sting.
Ballet had begun to chew up every minute of her spare time. When she wasn’t at school, she was in the studio training hard for one of the many performances she was involved in that year. Luckily for her, it was her passion, offering a distraction from dwelling over their relationship despite having years to adapt to this change.
It may have been the year 2010, but the condition of her heart was as raw as it was in 2005. Time hadn’t changed that, whether she was able to admit it to herself or not.
As soon as she placed her pen to the paper the words had flowed freely. There was no hesitation, no fabrication in the language she used. Just an authenticity she always wrote with. Though her heart had been guarded, her letters hadn’t been. There was a beauty behind every written word. Although life had changed the course of their friendship, their letters never reflected that.
It had been weeks since she had seen Ethan. She barely saw him around school anymore with their separate friendship groups hanging out at opposite ends of the campus. Being a senior and a year above her, his locker was in a different building to hers too. In a school consisting of over two thousand students with personalised class schedules, it wasn’t unusual for them to not have crossed paths.