by Jessica Leed
The kindness in his voice bothered her. She circled her fingers through the strands of grass beside her. She made a fist around it and yanked out a chunk.
‘I didn’t know they meant anything to you. I mean,’—she breathed in, struggling to bring oxygen with her—‘everything could have been different.’ A million thoughts were whirling inside her head. Had he really loved her, after all?
She didn’t dare ask.
He squeezed her hand. She looked down as he laced his fingers between hers. She suddenly felt hot all over, despite the wind slapping her face like ice.
‘This is why I wanted to talk about what happened between us.’
She shot her eyes up at him. ‘Ethan, if we hadn’t met by coincidence at the theatre last weekend, we wouldn’t be in this position to have such conversation. Are you saying if we hadn’t had crossed paths, you would have found a way to hunt me down after all these years and share everything that you’re sharing with me now?’ Her face was pulsing with heat. Angry, hot tears burned down her cheeks. She couldn’t control them. Not this time. How dare he say such things when it was too late?
He took away his hand and sighed heavily. ‘You keep playing the victim here. Yes, I disappeared eight years, nine years ago or whenever it was when I was young and stupid to not fully comprehend what I was actually walking away from. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought about you every single day since then. Even though I lost you, you were always on my heart. Yes, I should have reached out. Yes, I should have tried harder. I know that.
‘But have you forgotten that you pushed me away during a time I pushed for us to be something? It was back when Sadie and I had broken up, back when you were still broken up with Brody. Before you gave in and crawled back to him. Do you remember that? Do you have any idea how that made me feel?’ Tears shone in his eyes. ‘That you would choose someone who broke your heart over someone who had always protected it? Who would always protect it? Sienna, you wanted a man who would guard your heart through all seasons of life.
‘I could have been that man, Sienna. By the time you moved away for dancing and poured out your heart to me in your tiny little shoe box apartment that night, I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it. It hadn’t felt right. It felt forced. And truth be told, I was still wounded by you.’
She met his eyes feeling her heart break all over again at the stinging truth of his words. How had she spent this whole time blaming him when she was equally responsible for the damage of their friendship?
‘You know what had scared me the most?’
She wanted to ask him, but the lump in her throat was about the size of Mount Everest.
‘I didn’t want to lose you. I knew there would be no way we would be able to salvage our friendship if we hadn’t have worked out as a couple. It was something I hadn’t wanted to gamble with … or maybe deep down I knew that you could have been it for me. Either way, it was all too much to think about as a twenty-year-old. I just wasn’t ready for that.’
They lapsed back into silence. The loss between them too strong for either of them to continue. She wanted to look somewhere else, anywhere else. But she couldn’t. Not when he was looking at her this way. A fresh batch of tears formed at the crushing sight of his.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she inhaled, feeling the weight of her heart slam against her chest. ‘I wish more than anything that I hadn’t screwed things up for us.’
He shook his head reassuringly and smiled the warmest kind of smile. ‘You didn’t screw anything up. It was all about timing. And let’s face it, timing was never our thing.’
‘No, it wasn’t.’
She reflected back on the years that followed that particular night. They had both been in and out of relationships, never being out of them at the same time. There had never been the opportunity for them to explore the fullness of all that was lost between them.
As the seasons changed and the years rolled on, so had they. And now here they stood in a position no different from the previous nine years. Although there was one difference.
She was getting married.
The wind picked up. They eventually stood to their feet and walked in silence once more down the path that led to the gazebo at the base of the park. Without a word, they stepped inside and their eyes locked again. He wrapped his arms around her, shielding her from the gust of wind that carried a strength similar to the one of her broken heart. She buried her nose against his chest feeling the loss, a second time. He bowed his head and ever so gently planted a kiss on her forehead, sending her skin ablaze as it trickled through her like a ripple effect. She held his embrace, taking in every detail of what it felt to be in his arms.
A moment that would be their last.
Twelve
It was the last time they saw each other before she left Aringdale.
As liberating as it had been reuniting after so long, they both knew it would be ephemeral. A collection of ephemeral moments where feelings were rekindled, all over again.
She never expected it would be so difficult leaving her childhood and everything it represented after just seven days. Saying goodbye to her parents had heightened emotions in the same way they had when she left home the first time all those years ago. After seasons of absence, a single week of connectedness had narrowed the gap inside her heart.
The drive back home was a complete blur—an out of body experience, her mind and body refusing to adjoin as one. With conflicting emotions strangling her, she felt numb as she stared out at the road ahead, the whirlwind of emotions inside her depleting with every passing kilometre.
By the time she pulled up she hadn’t wanted to get out. She glanced at the dash board. 8:47 p.m. With a heavy sigh, she turned off the engine and took her bag. Instead of getting out, she sunk down into the seat and dug her nails into the synthetic. She had sent Patrick a text that morning letting him know she would be back by evening. She hadn’t given a time, but he hadn’t asked for one either.
Eventually she emerged from the car, collected her belongings and made her way up the flight of stairs, catching herself braking as she neared the door. From the outside, she could hear the TV accompanied by loud voices, sending an echo down the stairwell.
Boys’ night.
The last thing she wanted to deal with. She turned the key, let herself in and shut the door behind her. Instantly, she came more alert at the sheer state of the place. Furniture had been shifted around, clothes sprawled everywhere, dishes piled up to the ceiling with a years’ worth of empty cans of beer stacked against the kitchen wall.
It looked as though a bomb had hit it.
She could already see herself spending the next morning cleaning up after his mess. She rested her head against the wall of the lounge room, peering in at his friends circled around the coffee table, submerged in a board game of some sort. The football was on in the background, the T.V framed by more empty cans of beer.
‘Hey babe,’ her voice came weak, lacking the enthusiasm she normally had whenever she would greet him. Especially after days apart.
‘What the hell man! I didn’t see that coming!’ He reacted to a move on the board. His head was down, immersed in the game. A couple of his friends noticed her standing there and nudged him.
‘Hey man, your girlfriend’s back.’
Girlfriend.
She felt her eyebrow lift at the comment. He rolled the dice and hovered his hand over the board like a magician.
‘Hey babe. How was it?’ He still hadn’t looked up at her.
She shifted her feet and stared at what might as well be a stranger before her. ‘It was great.’
He reached for his beer and swallowed hard. He leaned over to view something his mate was showing him on his phone. She stood there in silence with her back against the wall watching as they all carried on with the game, throwing their heads back as they dissolved into
fits of laughter.
It was like she wasn’t even there. He was yet to acknowledge her, his laughter mocking her already trampled heart. She turned on her heel, collected her bags and went to their bedroom. The noise from the living area only made her feel even more alone as she lowered herself onto the edge of the bed. She just sat there, motionless.
Scattering her eyes around the room, everything once familiar suddenly felt like it belonged to someone else. Whose life was she living anyway? Since when did she love all things mahogany? Crystal lamps, and a thousand grass photo frames? Was she serious? Simplistic was her style, or at least had once been. Yet, everything in their room was marked with over the top, fancy finishes. She shook her head, shaking off the thought. Of course, she was going to start questioning everything when the past week had confronted her with an avalanche of emotions. Especially after being confronted by her past the way she had. After a good night sleep, she would wake up feeling better, in Patrick’s arms, or not.
She would be just fine.
She slipped her hands in her jacket pocket and inhaled sharply as her fingers found the folded paper. She took out the blue square shaped letter feeling herself exhale as a sadness whispered over her. She unfolded it and read over her own words, two times, then three.
I would be lost without you.
Her eyes were drawn to the six words that breathed a truth as she reflected on a life she created without Ethan in it. She didn’t need to be told that a partner should complement you, and not complete you. Was it wrong to think that you could lose your way without them? Clearly, she was trying to seek happiness in all the wrong places if she was relying on a man to fill the gaping hole in her heart.
Her eyes jumped down to the bottom of the letter.
Please don’t let me walk down the aisle to a man who falls short of these!
Her heart slammed against her chest. She once was convinced that Patrick ticked every quality, but now?
She wasn’t sure.
She was under no illusion that the best of relationships were a fairytale. She was aware life had a way of throwing every couple with seasons of trials and challenges to overcome. But had these qualities been upheld during the drawn-out season they found themselves in? Did they even exist at all? Were they really facing the storm together with a love strong enough to see them through?
She stared at the list of twelve, paying specific attention to the last one.
… You wanted a man who would guard your heart through all seasons of life. I was that man Sienna.
She couldn’t get him out of her head even if she wanted to. His face was etched in her mind, tattooed to her heart. He wasn’t only the man who had guarded her heart, he challenged her, cherished and respected her. He always listened to her heart before he shared his. He was someone she could always depend on, someone she found freeing to share her heart with. A man who prioritised those around him, a man who was faithful with a heart that always protected her. He ticked every single quality on her list.
He always had.
‘There you are.’
Her thoughts were stunted as Patrick steadied himself against the door with another can of beer in his hands.
She discreetly tucked the letter back into her pocket. ‘Here I am.’ She managed a smile, refusing to let his drunkenness to infuriate her.
‘Have you had dinner?’ he slurred.
‘Yeah, I ate before the drive back.’
‘Didn’t drive through anywhere through, yeah?’ His eyes finally met hers for the first time that night. She could only imagine that he was seeing duplicates of her.
‘No, I didn’t get any fast food, I ate at home.’
‘Good,’ he mumbled and sat down next to her.
‘You have another week off until you go back, don’t you?’ He patted her knee as though she was a mate from his football team. She placed her hand on his, hoping the heaviness would lift as soon as her fingers weaved between his.
But it didn’t.
‘Yeah, one more week.’
‘You should have stayed longer babe.’
His words sent another shard of pain through her. ‘I know.’ She squeezed his hand in hope to feel something. ‘But I wanted to get back to you.’ She honestly felt nothing.
‘I can’t promise we’ll see each other much this week. I’ve a lot on with work,’ he said platonically.
She inhaled a shaky breath and nodded. What happened to the days where he would come bounding in after time apart, telling her how he missed her?
‘We will just have to do the best with the time we’ve got,’ she responded half-heartedly.
‘Yeah.’ He paused, listening in to the voices coming from where all the action was. ‘Well, it’s probably my go again. I better get back to it.’
‘I won’t keep you.’
He patted her knee again, stretched his back and tripped on a pile of clothes on the way out. She stared out after him, the pain in her heart expanding wide across her chest. The voices from the other room grow louder as their bodies filled with alcohol. She collapsed onto the bed and stared at the ceiling, feeling every essence of hope slowly dwindle as she sank deep into the mattress.
She took out her phone and scrolled through her contact list. She searched under E then K, for probably the hundredth time. His number definitely wasn’t there. She refreshed her Facebook page, then Instagram. He was nowhere to be found, even after trying every possible combination. Who didn’t have social media these days?
The thought baffled her.
Her mobile started buzzing, with Jacqui’s name demanding her attention. Only then did she realise how much she had missed her best friend. Jacqui had spent the past few weeks in Thailand with her boyfriend at some fancy resort on some tropical island drinking cocktails, getting massages, loving life as she loathed hers. She longed for their chats more than she longed her next breath.
As soon as she heard her voice, her spirits lifted. ‘Oh, my, gawwwd, I have missed you so much, we have so much to catch up on.’
She couldn’t help but smile as her friend filled her in on their perfect little getaway.
‘And yes, to catching up. Let’s make it happen soon please. Talk to me, how was it back home? Are you still with your folks?’
And just like that she felt the darkness close in on her again.
‘I’m back. I got home about an hour ago,’ she paused. ‘Jac … I have so much to tell you. I don’t know where to begin.’ She felt her throat thicken with emotion. There was a hesitation on the other end of the line.
‘You sound different. Something happened, didn’t it? I’m coming over.’
Something inside of her panicked at that.
‘No! No. Probably best that you don’t. Patrick has the guys over. I’ll come to you.’ Already she had picked up her keys and slid her feet back in her boots.
‘Is everything ok between you two?’
Jacqui knew of Patrick’s drinking problem but that was the extent of it. She had never really shared her heart, having spent too many years behind the mask she had carefully crafted. One that made them appear as the happy couple everyone assumed they were. But that was all about to change.
She couldn’t hide anymore.
‘Not really. But it’s so much more than that, I’ll explain it all soon. Give me twenty. I’m leaving now.’
A surge of anxiety built inside her at the thought of leaving the apartment at this hour with a drunk fiancé who would barricade her like a guard dog, determined to keep her caged. She sent her phone into her handbag and walked down the hallway. She peered over at the guys who were now engrossed in a show of some sort. There was lot of hysterical laughter as their beers splashed around with every chuckle.
They had better clean up after them.
Patrick looked up with a confused expression as he watched her lingering
there. He eventually stood to his feet and stumbled over to her. ‘You’re heading out?’
She turned the keys in her hand. ‘Jac’s back from Thailand. I thought I would pop over to hers for a bit,’ her response came quick.
He narrowed his eyes and looked at her as though she had committed a crime. ‘You’ve been gone for a week, I see you for like five minutes and you’re already running off?’
His words shot a flute of adrenaline through her body. And not a good kind. Was he serious? The look on his face told her that he was.
‘This is clearly a boys’ night.’ She motioned her hand to his friends whose eyes were still glued on the TV. ‘I’m not going to crash that.’ She didn’t have the nerve to tell him he hadn’t given her five minutes of his time, or love or care for that matter. But she knew better, especially in his drunken state where his emotions were always unpredictable.
‘You can always join us. You’re more than capable of making that decision without waiting to be asked.’
‘I’ll remember that for next time,’ she said, her defense weakening far too obediently. She leaned over and sent him a quick kiss on the cheek even though her insides were fuming. He stood there immobile, completely unresponsive to her affection.
‘Well, off you go then.’
‘I’ll only be an hour or two,’ she said submissively. He had already joined the others.
He shrugged with his back turned from her. ‘Whatever. Stay as long as you like.’
A few of the boys exchanged a look, aware of the tension between them.
‘See you soon.’
Jacqui had been her closest friend for years. If it wasn’t for her, she wasn’t sure how she would have survived the grueling ballet years at the National Premier Ballet. They had been each other’s source of encouragement and sanity as their fragile bodies and minds tolerated the daily physical and mental abuse of their Nazi director. Similar to herself, Jacqui had chosen a different path after deciding enough was enough and hung up her point shoes in their third year of full-time training. She now worked as a nurse at the Royal Children’s Hospital and hadn’t looked back. If only Sienna felt a peace about the path she chose for her own life. After spending a week in her past, she wasn’t quite sure how to pick herself back up and find momentum again.