by Jessica Leed
In just weeks she had noticed a difference in him—Anita’s work proving to be a success. She had implemented the ‘Mood Meter’ into their sessions. A visual platform that helped kids better manage their emotions, with studies proving an improved mental health and emotional intelligence. At the start of each day, Nolan was encouraged to identify where he sat on the mood meter graph, deciphered by a low to high axis with a corresponding colour. He was prompted to make decisions throughout the day on how he could improve where he was positioned on it, empowering him to take control of his emotions. He had responded well to the program, his confidence and self-awareness noticeably improving. Even his body language began to change. His slumped shoulders became more rounded, his once hanging head, now noticeably lifted. Now that he had become a little more confident, he had become less of a target. Even if he did continue to keep to himself with his head in a book.
But that one, would take time.
It was Thursday afternoon when Miranda showed up at the classroom. It was bucketing down with rain; the bus route Nolan usually took home disrupted with delays due to an accident on the highway. It had made sense for him to be picked up but seeing her lurking by the door had still taken her by surprise.
‘Miranda.’ She stood from her desk as soon as the woman entered with a distinctive stride to her step.
‘Miss Henderson.’ Her lips tightened to form a hard line.
‘You can call me Sienna.’ She made the effort to smile despite her heart being thrown into a flip flop.
‘Right.’ She darted her eyes around the room before positioning them squarely on hers.
She was dressed no differently from the last time Sienna saw her. Her style the same, distasteful, and in ways inappropriate as her soaked white satin top revealed her black bra underneath. Her face tired, droopy, yet her eyes lacked any hint of submission.
‘I’m wanting to talk to you about these sessions Nolan’s been having, without our permission too, mind you.’ She wasn’t wasting any time. She hitched up her tight black leather pants and plonked herself down on a chair.
Sienna took a seat too. ‘I have tried everything I can to bring the matter to your attention Mrs. Livingston.’ For some reason, using her full name seemed more suitable, formal. Seeing as the matter was precisely that. ‘As I briefly mentioned to you earlier in the year, Nolan has been struggling. There have been some issues—’
‘There’s nothing wrong with my kid.’ She lifted her perfectly manicured fingers, cutting her off. ‘In today’s world, we are creating a generation of psychologically fragile children, protecting them from opportunities to take risks, learn from their mistakes, preventing them from developing a thick skin to face challenges and failures.’ She glanced at her nails, frowning as she studied them. ‘We are wrapping them in cotton wool, what’s happening here is no different,’ her tone sure, so certain. She raised her flawless sculpted eyebrows. They were actually quite impressive.
Sienna tried her best to stop staring at them.
‘I apologise that my husband and I haven’t been around to sit down with you, nodding our heads like robots over this triviality. Ok, so Nolan had a little melt down and ran out of the room as soon as his head went blank. I’m sure it’s not an unusual reaction for kids to start giggling if he was standing up there like a stuffed mullet. But running out of class is just a little bit dramatic. I have told you this before that he is over sensitive and needs to grow up. He doesn’t need special attention over it. Having someone standing over him, patting his hand, will only feed his insecurity that he is different when other kids in the classroom aren’t receiving the same treatment,’ she went on, barely taking a breath. ‘And I know there are other matters such as your concerns that Nolan is being bullied and that his work is falling short of the standard.’
She finally stopped lecturing, her expression softening ever so slightly. ‘I don’t mean to sound harsh, and I’m aware that this may be coming off that way. But if you saw how Nolan behaves at home you would understand where I’m coming from. He sits in his room and does nothing but read. We have guests over and he doesn’t acknowledge them. He isn’t interested in mixing with other kids either. He sits and reads and shakes his head whenever we ask him if he has any homework to do.
‘For a long time, we let it go. But then things had to change. He was aware of this, and we were firm about the consequences if he didn’t pull his finger out. He needed a kick up the butt and as soon as that happened, he started becoming less sorry for himself.’ She tilted her head and sent Sienna a condescending smile. ‘Maybe you’re seeing that in Nolan now. That he is finally being accountable for his choices and realising he needs to take ownership of his actions. Some responsibility. I’m a big believer that change comes from within. If Nolan is having others make decisions for him, then how will he grow? It will only hinder him. Wouldn’t you agree Miss Henderson?’
How this woman could speak such words over her son was beyond mind blowing to Sienna. It took all of her might to contain the rage swirling inside of her. Miranda couldn’t be further off the mark.
She gritted her teeth together, forcing her tongue behind them. ‘I can assure you that no one is wrapping your son up in cotton wool Mrs Livingston. As a teacher, it is our duty—my duty—to be aware of those students who are facing challenges, whatever they are. It is my responsibility to help identify them and address them the best way I can. Anita has been equipting Nolan with skills to reengage him in learning through self and emotional awareness techniques. “The Mood Meter” that derives from an evidence based approach called “Ruler” has been very beneficial for him.
‘This has been transferred into the classroom where Nolan has been able to make better meaning of his learning whilst building emotional intelligence such as understanding, expressing and regulating his emotions. It’s more than quick-fix strategies or a bag of tricks. It is a purposeful, philosophical, and ethical code of conduct and that’s what we are trying to do with Nolan. We want to support him with skills that will benefit him beyond the classroom.’ She sat up straighter and tried to stay composed. ‘This positive learning framework provides a basis for us to develop a management plan that assist students, like Nolan, to develop a quality learning environment that is nurturing and accommodating to the needs of the student. No student is the same, therefore our approach can differ depending on the child.’
She took a breath, relieved to see that Miranda was beginning to tune in even if she did have a blank expression on her face. ‘The change we’re seeing in Nolan is a reflection of the work that has been invested in him. I don’t believe for a moment that neglecting the issue by telling him to “harden up” will help him in any way, or provide him with the skills he needs.
‘I can assure you that we are not signaling him out or making him feel as though he is any different from the other children. Nolan does not receive any special treatment nor is treated any differently than the other children. I’m not sure whether there is something going on at home that could be potentially contributing to—’
‘Excuse me?’ Miranda’s eyes narrowed, her tone switching to one of defense.
Sienna knew then that she had crossed thin ice.
‘To my understanding, your work commitments are quite demanding and I am aware Nolan spends a fair bit of time on his own and more recently, with his aunt. He has expressed to me that he feels as though you are often disappointed in him when I know he is so desperate to please you—’
‘This is just absurd.’ She threw her head back towards the ceiling. She took a dramatic breath and brought her head forward again. ‘I hope you aren’t questioning our fondness for our son.’
Fondness?
Even her choice of word made her stomach clench. She wondered in that moment if they even loved him.
She couldn’t see it.
‘That’s not what I’m saying at all. I wanted to check in to se
e if there were any outside factors that I need to be aware of in order to gain a better understanding of Nolan,’ answered Sienna, warily. She considered bringing up the information she did know. But she quickly decided against it. Miranda didn’t need to know about her conversation with Lindsey. The last thing she wanted was to give her another reason to be upset with her.
With Miranda so focused on her eyes she hoped that this was the moment where she finally got some answers.
‘We’ve both recently been in Los Angeles for work which I’m sure you know about because Nolan stayed with his aunt, my … sister. I can’t see how that could possibly be a deterrent to Nolan’s self-confidence, staying with a family member for a couple of weeks. He had a ball,’ she responded sarcastically. A reaction far too animated to be genuine. It was although she was trying hard to hide something. It killed Sienna that she didn’t know what. All she knew was the woman sitting opposite her wasn’t fit to be a mother.
She was a monster.
She needed to be more assertive, firmer.
‘Mrs. Livingston, I’m sorry if anything I’m saying is being misinterpreted as an attack on you, or your parenting, as that is not my intention. I’m just wanting to have an open conversation with you about your son’s progress at school. In all honesty, I’m concerned at what appears to be a lack of acknowledgement on your behalf of what’s going on when Nolan needs a support—’
‘There’s nothing I don’t accept here Miss Henderson. I’m not by any means disregarding Nolan’s difficulties, I’m just merrily stating the fact that the whole counselling thing is not necessary. Anyway, I’m not sure what good it will all do when we are moving soon.’
The knot in Sienna’s stomach tightened. ‘You’re moving?’
A pleasant smile tugged at the corner of her full, red lips. Miranda nooded. ‘Yes. Stuart has landed a once in a lifetime offer with American airlines so we’ll be moving to Los Angeles late September, early October at the latest. Still working out all the logistics,’ she said with a matter of fact tone.
‘How does Nolan feel about this?’
The frown from earlier spread wide across her face. ‘I don’t know yet, it’s not really his decision to make. It’s not a nine-year old’s call to be honest, to approve or disapprove a decision made best for the family.’
Her sarcasm made her want to punch the woman square in the face. How could pulling Nolan out in the middle of the school term and throwing him into an entirely different school system half way across the world be what was best for him? It would be completely disruptive and would unravel all the progress he had made. She wanted to scream it to her, but she knew it wasn’t her place to voice it. As badly as she wanted to, as much as Miranda needed to hear it.
Her silence only encouraged her to rattle on further.
‘We’re planning to sit down with him on Saturday. Nolan loves the U.S, he always wished he was born there. You know, he loves the snow, pretzels, curly fries, candy, squirrels, the whole thing. It will be like a giant playground for him. We have no concerns how he’ll settle. Nolan has learned to adapt. He has moved so many times already with fost …’ Her face changed as though she had already said too much.
But in a flash, it was gone.
Sienna wanted to focus on whatever it was that stopped her from finishing her sentence but all she could think about was Nolan’s comment about him never having flown before. Why did she feel like something seriously wasn’t adding up?
‘Anyway … I don’t need to justify any of this to you. I just thought as his teacher you should have an idea of our movements. It’s all very fresh and new, but it has been decided.’ Her eyes thinned again. ‘Just like I had the right to know that Nolan was seeing a bloody counselor behind our backs. Still not impressed with that.’
Sienna was certain this impossible woman just wanted to pick a fight.
‘We did everything we could to inform you about that,’ her words came slow. Her mind was still on the comment before that had been cut short. Had Nolan moved around a lot, handled back and forth between foster homes? How old was he when this happened and why hadn’t he mentioned it to her when he had been open about everything else? Was there a chance that Miranda and Stuart didn’t treat him with the love and care he deserved because there was a possibility they weren’t his parents? It was Nolan’s first year at the school so it made sense if he had moved around.
A wave of nausea formed inside of her.
Then there was the thought that terrified her the most. What if the Livingstons weren’t really moving to Los Angeles but were palming Nolan off to another family? What if the conversation that sent Nolan to stay with his aunt was entirely made up, that he never was adopted in the first place? What if Lindsey wasn’t in fact his aunt at all, but a potential adoption prospect? Surely Nolan wouldn’t have played along with all of that? Come to think of it, he looked nothing like the woman. But they did share the same surname. And what was all that crap about Nolan loving America? His favourite country was Poland. That was what he had told her.
Miranda abruptly dismissed herself shortly after. It all had been a blur as Sienna walked her out, her mind spinning with a million scenarios playing over in her head.
She knew something wasn’t right. She knew it, and the uneasiness inside of her confirmed it. Her intuition was too strong to ignore, yet she seemed to have done just that—ignored the situation as it snowballed into a million of possibilities before her. The whole thing didn’t make sense, and she was itching to get to the bottom of it. But she knew that there was little she could do, little she could say. The hypotheticals would just have to stew in her mind for now.
Even if there were far too many unanswered questions.
She was home at a decent time. A good forty-five minutes before Patrick, given he wasn’t out late drinking again, or at a ‘work meeting’. This gave her enough time to prepare dinner and have it served, warm and ready to go as soon as he stepped through the door.
Just the way he expected it.
Tonight’s meal was easy to prepare. Minestrone soup with baked potatoes. Although she wouldn’t eat the potatoes.
Far too many calories.
As the soup boiled away, she turned on her laptop and jumped onto Pinterest; An app she often used to inspire her with creative classroom ideas. She logged on, her eyes drawn to the beautiful ivory gowns she had pinned under a board titled ‘Wedding’. She hadn’t updated it in almost two years. She scrolled through the dresses she once admired, surprising herself at how quickly her taste has changed. It was amazing what could happen in the space of two years.
Or even a week, if she was really honest.
The thought disheartened her. It proved to her over again that nothing stayed the same and how quickly things could change—how quickly life could change. How certain you can be about something, then not.
She clicked the X on the screen to shut down the window. She wasn’t going to torture herself with pictures of dresses that in the five years they had been engaged, hadn’t been any closer to trying on. Instead she opened her photos folder. The last album she uploaded had been over twelve months ago. She used to take photos all the time, documenting every moment, no matter how big or small. Looking at the blonde, wide eyed girl smiling back at her as she scrolled through felt as though she was prying into the life of someone else.
She stumbled across a folder labelled ‘old stuff’. Hundreds of unordered images loaded all at once, all ungrouped. Her attention was drawn to a picture of a seventeen-year-old version of herself, standing in front of a red Ute. Next to her was Ethan as an eighteen-year-old, his mop of brown hair positioned in loose curls on his head, his crooked smile young and alive. She clicked into it, allowing the picture to fill the screen. He was dressed in a red and black footy jersey with tiny shorts exposing his long muscular legs. Like in all their photos together, her arm hung around his shoulder as
his arm wrapped around her waist, holding her in close.
She remembered the day their picture was taken. It was about seven months before she made the move to the city. Footy season had just started up and she had just come back from her audition for the National State Ballet School. She had been broken up with Brody for a few months, Ethan and Sadie by a month or two.
Even the timing of that had been weird.
He had wanted to drive her to her audition as he had a new Ute and wanted to give it a decent go on the road and all, but had a game scheduled for the same day. They had arranged to catch up when she got back that night. It had been sunset when he took her out on the dirt plains out the back of his parents’ two-acre property, back before the cottage had been built. She remembered the feeling of freedom as they zoomed up and over the dunes, the windows down, the cold wind slapping her face like ice. Their laughter had drowned out the roar of the engine as they took off as though they were racing in a dune buggy through the Las Vegas desert. She hadn’t recalled a time where she had felt as audacious as she did when she took the wheel and with the guidance of Ethan’s hand on hers, drove in erratic patterns until the sun set in brilliant shades of orange, red, yellow and violet around them.
She should have known then. The way his hand stayed on hers the entire time they shared that moment together.
She should have known when he invited her to stay for dinner, then for supper.
She should have known when he took her to the Ed Sheeran concert a few weeks after that. Free tickets he had told her.
Were they really?
It was a short time after that when she had crawled back to Brody. Stupid move that had been. It was only a month after that where he had cheated again. And they broke up, again. The cheating hadn’t surprised her, well not really. She hadn’t balled her eyes out or locked herself up in her room with a tub of ice-cream like all the movies say to. But by the second time she had completely emotionally removed herself from him. The whole getting back together had been a thing of comfort, security, even if she was emotionally removed. Yet her stupidity had cost her the one fleeting opportunity she had with Ethan.