[6]
A LITERARY BANQUET
Charteris and Welch were conversing in the study of which they were thejoint proprietors. That is to say, Charteris was talking and playingthe banjo alternately, while Welch was deep in a book and refused to bedrawn out of it under any pretext. Charteris' banjo was the joy of hisfellows and the bane of his House-master. Being of a musical turn andowning a good deal of pocket-money, he had, at the end of the summerholidays, introduced the delights of a phonograph into the House. Thisbeing vetoed by the House-master, he had returned at the beginning ofthe following term with a penny whistle, which had suffered a similarfate. Upon this he had invested in a banjo, and the dazed Merevale,feeling that matters were getting beyond his grip, had effected acompromise with him. Having ascertained that there was no specific ruleat St Austin's against the use of musical instruments, he had informedCharteris that if he saw fit to play the banjo before prep, only, andregarded the hours between seven and eleven as a close time, all shouldbe forgiven, and he might play, if so disposed, till the crack of doom.To this reasonable request Charteris had promptly acceded, and peacehad been restored. Charteris and Welch were a curious pair. Welch spokevery little. Charteris was seldom silent. They were both in theSixth--Welch high up, Charteris rather low down. In games, Welch wasone of those fortunate individuals who are good at everything. He wascaptain of cricket, and not only captain, but also the best all-roundman in the team, which is often a very different matter. He was thebest wing three-quarter the School possessed; played fives and racquetslike a professor, and only the day before had shared Tony's glory bywinning the silver medal for fencing in the Aldershot competition.
The abilities of Charteris were more ordinary. He was a sound bat, andwent in first for the Eleven, and played half for the Fifteen. Asregards work, he might have been brilliant if he had chosen, but hisenergies were mainly devoted to the compilation of a monthly magazine(strictly unofficial) entitled _The Glow Worm_. This he edited,and for the most part wrote himself. It was a clever periodical, andrarely failed to bring him in at least ten shillings per number, afterdeducting the expenses which the College bookseller, who acted as soleagent, did his best to make as big as possible. Only a very few of theelect knew the identity of the editor, and they were bound to strictsecrecy. On the day before the publication of each number, a notice wasplaced in the desk of the captain of each form, notifying him of whatthe morrow would bring forth, and asking him to pass it round the form.That was all. The School did the rest. _The Glow Worm_ always soldwell, principally because of the personal nature of its contents. Ifthe average mortal is told that there is something about him in apaper, he will buy that paper at your own price.
Today he was giving his monthly tea in honour of the new number. Onlycontributors were invited, and the menu was always of the best. It wasa _Punch_ dinner, only more so, for these teas were celebratedwith musical honours, and Charteris on the banjo was worth hearing. Hisrendering of extracts from the works of Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan wasan intellectual treat.
'When I take the chair at our harmonic club!' he chanted, fixing theunconscious Welch with a fiery glance. 'Welch!'
'Yes.'
'If this is your idea of a harmonic club, it isn't mine. Put down thatbook, and try and be sociable.'
'One second,' said Welch, burrowing still deeper.
'That's what you always say,' said Charteris. 'Look here--Come in.'
There had been a knock at the door as he was speaking. Tony entered,accompanied by Jim. They were regular attendants at these banquets, forbetween them they wrote most of what was left of the magazine whenCharteris had done with it. There was only one other contributor,Jackson, of Dawson's House, and he came in a few minutes later. Welchwas the athletics expert of the paper, and did most of the matchreports.
'Now we're complete,' said Charteris, as Jackson presented himself.'Gentlemen--your seats. There are only four chairs, and we, asWordsworth might have said, but didn't, are five. All right, I'll siton the table. Welch, you worm, away with melancholy. Take away hisbook, somebody. That's right. Who says what? Tea already made. Coffeepublished shortly. If anybody wants cocoa, I've got some, only you'llhave to boil more water. I regret the absence of menu-cards, but as theentire feast is visible to the naked eye, our loss is immaterial. Theoffertory will be for the Church expenses fund. Biscuits, please.'
'I wish you'd given this tea after next Saturday, Alderman,' said Jim.Charteris was called the Alderman on account of his figure, which wasinclined to stoutness, and his general capacity for consuming food.
'Never put off till tomorrow--Why?'
'I simply must keep fit for the mile. How's Welch to run, too, if heeats this sort of thing?' He pointed to the well-spread board.
'Yes, there's something in that,' said Tony. 'Thank goodness, my littleentertainment's over. I think I _will_ try one of those chocolatethings. Thanks.'
'Welch is all right,' said Jackson. 'He could win the hundred and thequarter on sausage-rolls. But think of the times.'
'And there,' observed Charteris, 'there, my young friend, you havetouched upon a sore subject. Before you came in I was administering afew wholesome words of censure to that miserable object on your right.What is a fifth of a second more or less that it should make a maninsult his digestion as Welch does? You'll hardly credit it, but forthe last three weeks or more I have been forced to look on afellow-being refusing pastry and drinking beastly extracts of meat, allfor the sake of winning a couple of races. It quite put me off my feed.Cake, please. Good robust slice. Thanks.'
'It's rather funny when you come to think of it,' said Tony. 'Welchlives on Bovril for, a month, and then, just as he thinks he's going toscore, a burglar with a sense of humour strolls into the Pav.,carefully selects the only two cups he had a chance of winning, and soto bed.'
'Leaving Master J. G. Welch an awful example of what comes oftraining,' said Jim. 'Welch, you're a rotter.'
'It isn't my fault,' observed Welch, plaintively. 'You chaps seem tothink I've committed some sort of crime, just because a man I didn'tknow from Adam has bagged a cup or two.'
'It looks to me,' said Charteris, 'as if Welch, thinking his chances ofthe quarter rather rocky, hired one of his low acquaintances to stealthe cup for him.'
'Shouldn't wonder. Welch knows some jolly low characters in Stapleton.'
'Welch is a jolly low character himself,' said Tony, judicially. 'Iwonder you associate with him, Alderman.'
'Stand _in loco parentis_. Aunt of his asked me to keep an eye onhim. "Dear George is so wild,"' she said.
Before Welch could find words to refute this hideous slander, Tony cutin once more.
'The only reason he doesn't drink gin and play billiards at the "BlueLion" is that gin makes him ill and his best break at pills is six,including two flukes.'
'As a matter of fact,' said Welch, changing the conversation with ajerk, 'I don't much care if the cups are stolen. One doesn't only runfor the sake of the pot.'
Charteris groaned. 'Oh, well,' said he, 'if you're going to take thehigh moral standpoint, and descend to brazen platitudes like that, Igive you up.'
'It's a rum thing about those pots,' said Welch, meditatively.
'Seems to me,' Jim rejoined, 'the rum thing is that a man who considersthe Pav. a safe place to keep a lot of valuable prizes in should beallowed at large. Why couldn't they keep them in the Board Room as theyused to?'
'Thought it 'ud save trouble, I suppose. Save them carting the thingsover to the Pav. on Sports Day,' hazarded Tony.
'Saved the burglar a lot of trouble, I should say,' observed Jackson,'I could break into the Pav. myself in five minutes.'
'Good old Jackson,' said Charteris, 'have a shot tonight. I'll hold thewatch. I'm doing a leader on the melancholy incident for next month's_Glow Worm_. It appears that Master Reginald Robinson, a member ofMr Merevale's celebrated boarding-establishment, was passing by thePavilion at an early hour on the morning of the second of April--that'stoday--wh
en his eye was attracted by an excavation or incision in oneof the windows of that imposing edifice. His narrative appears onanother page. Interviewed by a _Glow Worm_ representative, MasterRobinson, who is a fine, healthy, bronzed young Englishman of somethirteen summers, with a delightful, boyish flow of speech, not whollyfree from a suspicion of cheek, gave it as his opinion that the outragewas the work of a burglar--a remarkable display of sagacity in one soyoung. A portrait of Master Robinson appears on another page.'
'Everything seems to appear on another page,' said Jim. 'Am I to do theportrait?'
'I think it would be best. You can never trust a photo to caricature aperson enough. Your facial H.B.'s the thing.'
'Have you heard whether anything else was bagged besides the cups?'asked Welch.
'Not that I know of,' said Jim.
'Yes there was,' said Jackson. 'It further appears that that lunatic,Adamson, had left some money in the pocket of his blazer, which he hadleft in the Pav. overnight. On enquiry it was found that the money hadalso left.'
Adamson was in the same House as Jackson, and had talked of nothingelse throughout the whole of lunch. He was an abnormally wealthyindividual, however, and it was generally felt, though he himselfthought otherwise, that he could afford to lose some of the surplus.
'How much?' asked Jim.
'Two pounds.'
At this Jim gave vent to the exclamation which Mr Barry Pain calls theEnglishman's shortest prayer.
'My dear sir,' said Charteris. 'My very dear sir. We blush for you.Might I ask _why_ you take the matter to heart so?'
Jim hesitated.
'Better have it out, Jim,' said Tony. 'These chaps'll keep it dark allright.' And Jim entered once again upon the recital of his doings onthe previous night.
'So you see,' he concluded, 'this two pound business makes it all theworse.'
'I don't see why,' said Welch.
'Well, you see, money's a thing everybody wants, whereas cups wouldn'tbe any good to a fellow at school. So that I should find it much harderto prove that I didn't take the two pounds, than I should have done toprove that I didn't take the cups.'
'But there's no earthly need for you to prove anything,' said Tony.'There's not the slightest chance of your being found out.'
'Exactly,' observed Charteris. 'We will certainly respect your incog.if you wish it. Wild horses shall draw no evidence from us. It is, ofcourse, very distressing, but what is man after all? Are we not as thebeasts that perish, and is not our little life rounded by a sleep?Indeed, yes. And now--with full chorus, please.
'"We-e take him from the city or the plough. We-e dress him up in uniform so ne-e-e-at."'
And at the third line some plaster came down from the ceiling, andMerevale came up, and the meeting dispersed without the customarycheers.
The Pothunters Page 6