School for Husbands and the Imaginary Cuckold, or Sganarelle

by Molière

  To drive this fruitless passion from your breast.

  Farewell.

  ERGASTE

  (To Valère:)

  What a perfect dupe!

  SGANARELLE

  (Alone:)

  It makes me sad

  To see the anguish of this lovesick lad;

  ’Twas his misfortune to suppose that he

  Could storm a fortress long since won by me.

  Scene 7

  Sganarelle, Isabelle.

  SGANARELLE

  Never did any swain so hang his head

  To see his billet-doux come back unread.

  He’s lost all hope, and will no longer woo you,

  But begs me to convey this message to you:

  That in his passion, he never entertained

  A thought by which your honor might be pained,

  And that the one thing he desired of life

  Was that he might obtain you for his wife,

  Till fate obstructed his desire, revealing

  That you were bound to me by tenderest feeling;

  That, whatsoever happens, you must not

  Think that your charms will ever be forgot;

  That, let the heavens treat him as they may,

  His fate’s to love you till his dying day;

  And that my merits, of which he stands in awe,

  Are the sole cause which leads him to withdraw.

  Those are his touching words; I cannot hate him;

  He’s a decent fellow, and I commiserate him.

  ISABELLE

  (Aside:)

  Those sweet words but confirm my heart’s surmise;

  I read his pure intentions in his eyes.

  SGANARELLE

  Eh? What did you say?

  ISABELLE

  I said that I’m distressed

  To hear you pity a man I so detest,

  And that, if you truly loved me, you would share

  My rage at the affronts he’s made me bear.

  SGANARELLE

  But he didn’t know, dear, that your heart was mine;

  And his intentions were so pure and fine

  That one can hardly—

  ISABELLE

  Is it well-intended, pray,

  To seize a person, and carry her away?

  Would a man of honor think it a noble course

  To snatch me from you, and marry me by force?

  As if I were the kind of girl who could

  Survive such insults to her maidenhood!

  SGANARELLE

  Do you mean to tell me—

  ISABELLE

  Yes; this brutish lover

  Talks of abducting me, I now discover.

  I don’t know by what secret means he can

  Have learned so very quickly of your plan

  To marry me within a week or so,

  Since only yesterday you let me know;

  But he intends to strike at once, I find,

  Before our loves and fates can be combined.

  SGANARELLE

  Well, this is bad indeed.

  ISABELLE

  Oh, no! I’m sure

  He’s a decent fellow, whose aims are fine and pure!

  SGANARELLE

  This is no joke; he’s wrong in the extreme.

  ISABELLE

  Your mildness prompts him to this madcap scheme.

  If you’d been harsh with him just now, he would

  Have feared your wrath and mine, and stopped for good;

  But even after his letter was returned

  He hatched the shocking plot of which I’ve learned,

  Convinced in spite of all, it would appear,

  That in my heart of hearts I hold him dear,

  That I am loath to wed you, and cannot wait

  For him to free me from my captive state.

  SGANARELLE

  He’s mad.

  ISABELLE

  With you, he knows how to disguise

  His feelings, and pull the wool over your eyes.

  But his fair words make sport of you, believe me.

  It does, I’m forced to tell you, deeply grieve me

  That after all I’ve done, for honor’s sake,

  To balk the vile advances of this rake,

  I still must find myself exposed to these

  Shameful designs and base conspiracies!

  SGANARELLE

  There, there; don’t worry.

  ISABELLE

  I swear, if you do not

  Rebuke him fiercely for this impudent plot,

  And find a way to put a stop at once

  To this bold rogue’s continual affronts,

  I shall embrace some desperate solution

  And, once for all, escape his persecution.

  SGANARELLE

  Come, come, my little dear, don’t fret and frown;

  I’ll go at once and give him a dressing-down.

  ISABELLE

  Tell him it’s useless to play innocent,

  That I’ve been fully informed of his intent,

  And that, whatever he may now devise,

  I challenge him to take me by surprise;

  Tell him he wastes his time, and urge him to

  Remember what my feelings are toward you;

  And add that, lest he pay a bitter price,

  He’d best not wait for me to warn him twice.

  SGANARELLE

  I’ll say what’s needful.

  ISABELLE

  Show him I mean all this

  By speaking it with gravest emphasis.

  SGANARELLE

  Yes, yes, I’ll say it all, and I’ll be stern.

  ISABELLE

  I’ll wait impatiently for your return.

  Please hasten back to me with all your might:

  I’m desolate when you are out of sight.

  SGANARELLE

  Fear not, I’ll soon be back with you, my sweet.

  (Alone:)

  Was ever a girl more prudent, more discreet?

  How happy I am! How fortunate to find

  A wife so suited to my heart and mind!

  Yes, that is how our women ought to be—

  Not like some wives I know, whose coquetry

  And bold amours have managed to embarrass

  Their wretched mates before the whole of Paris.

  (Knocking at Valère’s door:)

  Ho there, my fine and enterprising swain!

  Scene 8

  Valère, Sganarelle, Ergaste.

  VALÈRE

  What brings you back, sir?

  SGANARELLE

  Your follies, once again.

  VALÈRE

  What?

  SGANARELLE

  Come, you understand my reference.

  Frankly, I thought that you had better sense.

  You’ve hoaxed me with fine speeches, and continue

  To harbor vain and foolish hopes within you.

  I’ve wished to treat you gently, but—see here—

  If this goes on, my rage will be severe.

  Aren’t you ashamed that you, a gentleman,

  Should stoop to such skullduggery, should plan

  To abduct a decent girl, and cheat her of

  A marriage which would bring her joy and love?

  VALÈRE

  Sir, where did you hear this curious news? Do tell.

  SGANARELLE

  Let’s not dissemble: My source is Isabelle,

  Who for the last time tells you, through my voice,

  That she’s informed you plainly of her choice;

  That she’s mine, and hates this plot that you’ve devised;

  That she’d rather die than be thus compromised,

  And that there will be dire results, unless

  You put an end to all this foolishness.

  VALÈRE

  If that is truly what she said, it seems

  That there’s no future for my ardent dreams:

  Those plain words tell me I must yield at
last

  And bow before the sentence she has passed.

  SGANARELLE

  If? Do you doubt, then, that they came from her,

  These words I’ve brought you as her messenger?

  Would you care to hear them from her lips? I’m quite

  Prepared to allow it, just to set you right.

  Follow me, then, and learn from her directly

  Whom she prefers, and if I spoke correctly.

  Scene 9

  Isabelle, Sganarelle, Valère.

  ISABELLE

  You’ve brought him here—to me? With what design?

  Have you taken his side, and forsaken mine?

  Have his merits charmed you so that I’m to be

  Compelled to love him, and bear his company?

  SGANARELLE

  Ah, no. I’d never give you up, my precious.

  But he thinks that my reports were meretricious,

  That I falsified your feelings when I stated

  That you were fond of me, and he was hated;

  Therefore I’d have you speak to him, and dispose

  Of this delusion on which his hopes repose.

  ISABELLE

  (To Valère:)

  What! When I’ve bared my whole soul to your eyes,

  Can you still doubt where my affection lies?

  VALÈRE

  Madam, this gentleman’s reports were such,

  I own, as to surprise me very much:

  Frankly, I doubted them; and this last decree,

  Which sentences my heart to misery,

  So stuns me that I dare request of you

  That you repeat those words, if they were true.

  ISABELLE

  No sentence that I’ve passed should have surprised you:

  Of what I feel, my plain words have advised you,

  But since my judgments had both truth and strength

  I don’t mind stating them at greater length.

  Yes, hear me, gentlemen, and believe me, too:

  Fate here presents two objects to my view

  Who agitate my heart with sentiments

  Quite different, though equally intense.

  The first, whom honor bids me choose, I deem

  Worthy of all my love, all my esteem;

  The other one’s affection gains from me

  All my resentment and antipathy.

  The presence of the first is dear and sweet,

  And makes my soul’s felicity complete;

  As for the other, my heart is seized by grim

  Hatred and horror at the sight of him.

  The first I long to marry, while if I

  Were forced to wed the other, I’d wish to die.

  But I’ve now said enough of what I feel,

  And borne too long the pains of this ordeal;

  It’s time for him I love to terminate

  Decisively the hopes of him I hate,

  And by a happy marriage deliver me

  From torments worse than death itself could be.

  SGANARELLE

  There, there: I’ll grant your wishes, little one.

  ISABELLE

  I’ll have no happiness till that is done.

  SGANARELLE

  You’ll soon be happy.

  ISABELLE

  It’s scandalous, I know,

  For a young girl to declare her passions so.

  SGANARELLE

  No, no.

  ISABELLE

  Yet in my present state of strain

  I take the liberty of being plain,

  And cannot blush for the fervent things I’ve said

  Of one to whom I feel already wed.

  SGANARELLE

  Of course not, sweetest angel, dearest dear.

  ISABELLE

  Let him now prove his love at last.

  SGANARELLE

  Yes—here—

  Come kiss my hand.

  ISABELLE

  Let him delay no more,

  But speed the nuptial day I’m yearning for,

  And take my promise now that none but he

  Shall ever speak his marriage vows to me.

  (She pretends to embrace Sganarelle, and gives Valère her hand to kiss.)

  SGANARELLE

  Haha, my pretty duck, my pussycat!

  You shall not pine for long, I promise that:

  There, now! (To Valère) You see, she cares for me alone.

  I didn’t prompt her; those words were all her own.

  VALÈRE

  Well, madam, you’ve made your feelings clear indeed:

  I grasp your wishes, and shall pay them heed.

  I’ll rid you very soon, you may be sure,

  Of him whose presence you can not endure.

  ISABELLE

  Do so, and I’ll be infinitely grateful;

  For merely to behold him is so hateful,

  So insupportable, so odious—

  SGANARELLE

  Now, now.

  ISABELLE

  I offend you, then, by speaking thus?

  SGANARELLE

  Oh, mercy, not in the least. But I confess

  I feel some pity for the man’s distress;

  You put your adverse feelings too severely.

  ISABELLE

  At a time like this, they can’t be put too clearly.

  VALÈRE

  Well, I’ll oblige you. In three days from this date

  You’ll see no more the object of your hate.

  ISABELLE

  Thank Heaven. Farewell.

  SGANARELLE

  (To Valère:)

  I’m sorry for your pain,

  But—

  VALÈRE

  No, you’ll not hear me whimper or complain:

  In judging us, Madame’s been most judicious,

  And I’ll now strive to gratify her wishes.

  Farewell.

  SGANARELLE

  Poor lad, he’s utterly undone.

  Come, I’m her other self; embrace me, son.

  (He embraces Valère.)

  Scene 10

  Isabelle, Sganarelle.

  SGANARELLE

  He’s much to be pitied.

  ISABELLE

  I feel no such emotion.

  SGANARELLE

  In any case, I’m touched by your devotion,

  My sweet, and it deserves some recompense:

  A week’s too long to keep you in suspense;

  Tomorrow, then, shall be our wedding day.

  ISABELLE

  Tomorrow?

  SGANARELLE

  From modesty, you feign dismay,

  But I well know what joy my words created,

  And that you wish we were already mated.

  ISABELLE

  But—

  SGANARELLE

  Let’s prepare for the wedding; come, be quick.

  ISABELLE

  (Aside:)

  Inspire me, Heaven! I need another trick.

  Act Three

  Scene 1

  Isabelle.

  ISABELLE

  (Alone:)

  Yes, death is far less dire to contemplate

  Than a forced marriage to an unloved mate,

  And I should not be censured, but forgiven

  For any subterfuge to which I’m driven.

  Time passes; night has fallen; I now must dare

  To trust my fate and fortune to Valère.

  Scene 2

  Sganarelle, Isabelle.

  SGANARELLE

  (Enters, muttering to himself:)

  That’s done. Tomorrow, when the magistrate—

  ISABELLE

  Oh, Heaven!

  SGANARELLE

  Is it you, dear? Where are you going so late?

  You told me, when I left, that you desired

  To go to your chamber, being a little tired;

  You even begged that I, upon returning,

  Would not disturb you till tomorrow morning.

  ISABELLE


  That’s true, but—

  SGANARELLE

  Yes?

  ISABELLE

  You see my hesitation;

  I fear that you won’t like the explanation.

  SGANARELLE

  Come, tell me.

  ISABELLE

  You’ll be amazed. The reason for

  My going out is sister Léonor;

  She’s borrowed my chamber, which she means to use

  As part of a disreputable ruse.

  SGANARELLE

  What?