by Mark Twain
CHAPTER XXI
It was after sun-up now, but we went right on and didn't tie up. Theking and the duke turned out by and by looking pretty rusty; but afterthey'd jumped overboard and took a swim it chippered them up a gooddeal. After breakfast the king he took a seat on the corner of theraft, and pulled off his boots and rolled up his britches, and let hislegs dangle in the water, so as to be comfortable, and lit his pipe,and went to getting his "Romeo and Juliet" by heart. When he had gotit pretty good him and the duke begun to practise it together. Theduke had to learn him over and over again how to say every speech; andhe made him sigh, and put his hand on his heart, and after a while hesaid he done it pretty well; "only," he says, "you mustn't bellow out_Romeo!_ that way, like a bull--you must say it soft and sick andlanguishy, so--R-o-o-meo! that is the idea; for Juliet's a dear sweetmere child of a girl, you know, and she doesn't bray like a jackass."
Well, next they got out a couple of long swords that the duke made outof oak laths, and begun to practise the sword-fight--the duke calledhimself Richard III.; and the way they laid on and pranced around theraft was grand to see. But by and by the king tripped and felloverboard, and after that they took a rest, and had a talk about allkinds of adventures they'd had in other times along the river.
After dinner the duke says:
"Well, Capet, we'll want to make this a first-class show, you know, soI guess we'll add a little more to it. We want a little something toanswer encores with, anyway."
"What's onkores, Bilgewater?"
The duke told him, and then says:
"I'll answer by doing the Highland fling or the sailor's hornpipe; andyou--well, let me see--oh, I've got it--you can do Hamlet'ssoliloquy."
"Hamlet's which?"
"Hamlet's soliloquy, you know; the most celebrated thing inShakespeare. Ah, it's sublime, sublime! Always fetches the house. Ihaven't got it in the book--I've only got one volume--but I reckon Ican piece it out from memory. I'll just walk up and down a minute, andsee if I can call it back from recollection's vaults."
So he went to marching up and down, thinking, and frowning horribleevery now and then; then he would hoist up his eyebrows; next he wouldsqueeze his hand on his forehead and stagger back and kind of moan;next he would sigh, and next he'd let on to drop a tear. It wasbeautiful to see him. By and by he got it. He told us to giveattention. Then he strikes a most noble attitude, with one leg shovedforwards, and his arms stretched away up, and his head tilted back,looking up at the sky; and then he begins to rip and rave and grit histeeth; and after that, all through his speech, he howled, and spreadaround, and swelled up his chest, and just knocked the spots out ofany acting ever _I_ see before. This is the speech--I learned it, easyenough, while he was learning it to the king:
To be, or not to be; that is the bare bodkin That makes calamity of so long life; For who would fardels bear, till Birnam Wood do come to Dunsinane, But that the fear of something after death Murders the innocent sleep, Great nature's second course, And makes us rather sling the arrows of outrageous fortune Than fly to others that we know not of. There's the respect must give us pause: Wake Duncan with thy knocking! I would thou couldst; For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The law's delay, and the quietus which his pangs might take, In the dead waste and middle of the night, when churchyards yawn In customary suits of solemn black, But that the undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveler returns, Breathes forth contagion on the world, And thus the native hue of resolution, like the poor cat i' the adage, Is sicklied o'er with care, And all the clouds that lowered o'er our housetops, With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery--go!
Well, the old man he liked that speech, and he mighty soon got it sohe could do it first rate. It seemed like he was just born for it; andwhen he had his hand in and was excited, it was perfectly lovely theway he would rip and tear and rair up behind when he was getting itoff.
The first chance we got the duke he had some show-bills printed; andafter that, for two or three days as we floated along, the raft was amost uncommon lively place, for there warn't nothing butsword-fighting and rehearsing--as the duke called it--going on all thetime. One morning, when we was pretty well down the state of Arkansaw,we come in sight of a little one-horse town in a big bend; so we tiedup about three-quarters of a mile above it, in the mouth of a crickwhich was shut in like a tunnel by the cypress trees, and all of usbut Jim took the canoe and went down there to see if there was anychance in that place for our show.
We struck it mighty lucky; there was going to be a circus there thatafternoon, and the country-people was already beginning to come in, inall kinds of old shackly wagons, and on horses. The circus would leavebefore night, so our show would have a pretty good chance. The duke hehired the court-house, and we went around and stuck up our bills. Theyread like this:
Shaksperean Revival ! ! ! Wonderful Attraction! For One Night Only! The world renowned tragedians, David Garrick the younger, of Drury Lane Theatre, London, and Edmund Kean the elder, of the Royal Haymarket Theatre, Whitechapel, Pudding Lane, Piccadilly, London, and the Royal Continental Theatres, in their sublime Shaksperean Spectacle entitled The Balcony Scene in Romeo and Juliet ! ! ! Romeo...................Mr. Garrick Juliet..................Mr. Kean Assisted by the whole strength of the company! New costumes, new scenery, new appointments! Also: The thrilling, masterly, and blood-curdling Broad-sword conflict In Richard III. ! ! ! Richard III.............Mr. Garrick Richmond................Mr. Kean Also: (by special request) Hamlet's Immortal Soliloquy ! ! By the Illustrious Kean! Done by him 300 consecutive nights in Paris! For One Night Only, On account of imperative European engagements! Admission 25 cents; children and servants, 10 cents.
Then we went loafing around town. The stores and houses was most allold, shackly, dried-up frame concerns that hadn't ever been painted;they was set up three or four foot above ground on stilts, so as to beout of reach of the water when the river was overflowed. The houseshad little gardens around them, but they didn't seem to raise hardlyanything in them but jimpson-weeds, and sunflowers, and ash-piles, andold curled-up boots and shoes, and pieces of bottles, and rags, andplayed-out tinware. The fences was made of different kinds of boards,nailed on at different times; and they leaned every which way, and hadgates that didn't generly have but one hinge--a leather one. Some ofthe fences had been whitewashed some time or another, but the dukesaid it was in Columbus's time, like enough. There was generly hogs inthe garden, and people driving them out.
All the stores was along one street. They had white domestic awningsin front, and the country-people hitched their horses to theawning-posts. There was empty dry-goods boxes under the awnings, andloafers roosting on them all day long, whittling them with theirBarlow knives; and chawing tobacco, and gaping and yawning andstretching--a mighty ornery lot. They generly had on yellow straw hatsmost as wide as an umbrella, but didn't wear no coats nor waistcoats;they called one another Bill, and Buck, and Hank, and Joe, and Andy,and talked lazy and drawly, and used considerable many cuss-words.There was as many as one loafer leaning up against every awning-post,and he most always had his hands in his britches pockets, except whenhe fetched them out to lend a chaw of tobacco or scratch. What a bodywas hearing amongst them all the time was:
"Gimme a chaw 'v tobacker, Hank."
"Cain't; I hain't got but one chaw left. Ask Bill."
Maybe Bill he gives him a chaw; maybe he lies and says he ain't gotnone. Some of them kinds of loafers never has a cent in the world, nora chaw of tobacco of their own. They get all their chawing byborrowing; they say to a fellow, "I wisht you'd len' me a chaw, Jack,I jist this minute give Ben Thompson th
e last chaw I had"--which is alie pretty much every time; it don't fool nobody but a stranger; butJack ain't no stranger, so he says:
"_You_ give him a chaw, did you? So did your sister's cat'sgrandmother. You pay me back the chaws you've awready borry'd off'nme, Lafe Buckner, then I'll loan you one or two ton of it, and won'tcharge you no back intrust, nuther."
"Well, I _did_ pay you back some of it wunst."
"Yes, you did--'bout six chaws. You borry'd store tobacker and paidback nigger-head."
Store tobacco is flat black plug, but these fellows mostly chaws thenatural leaf twisted. When they borrow a chaw they don't generly cutit off with a knife, but set the plug in between their teeth, and gnawwith their teeth and tug at the plug with their hands till they get itin two; then sometimes the one that owns the tobacco looks mournful atit when it's handed back, and says, sarcastic:
"Here, gimme the _chaw_, and you take the _plug_."
"'GIMME A CHAW'"]
All the streets and lanes was just mud; they warn't nothing else _but_mud--mud as black as tar and nigh about a foot deep in some places,and two or three inches deep in _all_ the places. The hogs loafed andgrunted around everywheres. You'd see a muddy sow and a litter ofpigs come lazying along the street and whollop herself right down inthe way, where folks had to walk around her, and she'd stretch out andshut her eyes and wave her ears whilst the pigs was milking her, andlook as happy as if she was on salary. And pretty soon you'd hear aloafer sing out, "Hi! _so_ boy! sick him, Tige!" and away the sowwould go, squealing most horrible, with a dog or two swinging to eachear, and three or four dozen more a-coming; and then you would see allthe loafers get up and watch the thing out of sight, and laugh at thefun and look grateful for the noise. Then they'd settle back againtill there was a dog-fight. There couldn't anything wake them up allover, and make them happy all over, like a dog-fight--unless it mightbe putting turpentine on a stray dog and setting fire to him, or tyinga tin pan to his tail and see him run himself to death.
On the river-front some of the houses was sticking out over the bank,and they was bowed and bent, and about ready to tumble in. The peoplehad moved out of them. The bank was caved away under one corner ofsome others, and that corner was hanging over. People lived in themyet, but it was dangersome, because sometimes a strip of land as wideas a house caves in at a time. Sometimes a belt of land a quarter of amile deep will start in and cave along and cave along till it allcaves into the river in one summer. Such a town as that has to bealways moving back, and back, and back, because the river's alwaysgnawing at it.
The nearer it got to noon that day the thicker and thicker was thewagons and horses in the streets, and more coming all the time.Families fetched their dinners with them from the country, and eatthem in the wagons. There was considerable whisky-drinking going on,and I seen three fights. By and by somebody sings out:
"Here comes old Boggs!--in from the country for his little old monthlydrunk; here he comes, boys!"
All the loafers looked glad; I reckoned they was used to having funout of Boggs. One of them says:
"Wonder who he's a-gwyne to chaw up this time. If he'd a-chawed up allthe men he's ben a-gwyne to chaw up in the last twenty year he'd haveconsiderable ruputation now."
Another one says, "I wisht old Boggs 'd threaten me, 'cuz then I'dknow I warn't gwyne to die for a thousan' year."
Boggs comes a-tearing along on his horse, whooping and yelling like anInjun, and singing out:
"Cler the track, thar. I'm on the waw-path, and the price uv coffinsis a-gwyne to raise."
He was drunk, and weaving about in his saddle; he was over fifty yearold, and had a very red face. Everybody yelled at him and laughed athim and sassed him, and he sassed back, and said he'd attend to themand lay them out in their regular turns, but he couldn't wait nowbecause he'd come to town to kill old Colonel Sherburn, and his mottowas, "Meat first, and spoon vittles to top off on."
He see me, and rode up and says:
"Whar'd you come f'm, boy? You prepared to die?"
Then he rode on. I was scared, but a man says:
"He don't mean nothing; he's always a-carryin' on like that when he'sdrunk. He's the best-naturedest old fool in Arkansaw--never hurtnobody, drunk nor sober."
Boggs rode up before the biggest store in town, and bent his head downso he could see under the curtain of the awning and yells:
"Come out here, Sherburn! Come out and meet the man you've swindled.You're the houn' I'm after, and I'm a-gwyne to have you, too!"
And so he went on, calling Sherburn everything he could lay his tongueto, and the whole street packed with people listening and laughing andgoing on. By and by a proud-looking man about fifty-five--and he was aheap the best-dressed man in that town, too--steps out of the store,and the crowd drops back on each side to let him come. He says toBoggs, mighty ca'm and slow--he says:
"I'm tired of this, but I'll endure it till one o'clock. Till oneo'clock, mind--no longer. If you open your mouth against me only onceafter that time you can't travel so far but I will find you."
Then he turns and goes in. The crowd looked mighty sober; nobodystirred, and there warn't no more laughing. Boggs rode offblackguarding Sherburn as loud as he could yell, all down the street;and pretty soon back he comes and stops before the store, stillkeeping it up. Some men crowded around him and tried to get him toshut up, but he wouldn't; they told him it would be one o'clock inabout fifteen minutes, and so he _must_ go home--he must go rightaway. But it didn't do no good. He cussed away with all his might, andthrowed his hat down in the mud and rode over it, and pretty soon awayhe went a-raging down the street again, with his gray hair a-flying.Everybody that could get a chance at him tried their best to coax himoff of his horse so they could lock him up and get him sober; but itwarn't no use--up the street he would tear again, and give Sherburnanother cussing. By and by somebody says:
"Go for his daughter!--quick, go for his daughter; sometimes he'lllisten to her. If anybody can persuade him, she can."
So somebody started on a run. I walked down street a ways and stopped.In about five or ten minutes here comes Boggs again, but not on hishorse. He was a-reeling across the street towards me, bareheaded, witha friend on both sides of him a-holt of his arms and hurrying himalong. He was quiet, and looked uneasy; and he warn't hanging backany, but was doing some of the hurrying himself. Somebody sings out:
"Boggs!"
I looked over there to see who said it, and it was that ColonelSherburn. He was standing perfectly still in the street, and had apistol raised in his right hand--not aiming it, but holding it outwith the barrel tilted up towards the sky. The same second I see ayoung girl coming on the run, and two men with her. Boggs and the menturned round to see who called him, and when they see the pistol themen jumped to one side, and the pistol-barrel come down slow andsteady to a level--both barrels cocked. Boggs throws up both of hishands and says, "O Lord, don't shoot!" Bang! goes the first shot, andhe staggers back, clawing at the air--bang! goes the second one, andhe tumbles backwards onto the ground, heavy and solid, with his armsspread out. That young girl screamed out and comes rushing, and downshe throws herself on her father, crying, and saying, "Oh, he's killedhim, he's killed him!" The crowd closed up around them, and shoulderedand jammed one another, with their necks stretched, trying to see, andpeople on the inside trying to shove them back and shouting, "Back,back! give him air, give him air!"
Colonel Sherburn he tossed his pistol onto the ground, and turnedaround on his heels and walked off.
They took Boggs to a little drug store, the crowd pressing around justthe same, and the whole town following, and I rushed and got a goodplace at the window, where I was close to him and could see in. Theylaid him on the floor and put one large Bible under his head, andopened another one and spread it on his breast; but they tore open hisshirt first, and I seen where one of the bullets went in. He madeabout a dozen long gasps, his breast lifting the Bible up when hedrawed in his breath, and letting it down again when he b
reathed itout--and after that he laid still; he was dead. Then they pulled hisdaughter away from him, screaming and crying, and took her off. Shewas about sixteen, and very sweet and gentle looking, but awful paleand scared.
Well, pretty soon the whole town was there, squirming and scrougingand pushing and shoving to get at the window and have a look, butpeople that had the places wouldn't give them up, and folks behindthem was saying all the time, "Say, now, you've looked enough, youfellows; 'tain't right and 'tain't fair for you to stay thar all thetime, and never give nobody a chance; other folks has their rights aswell as you."
There was considerable jawing back, so I slid out, thinking maybethere was going to be trouble. The streets was full, and everybody wasexcited. Everybody that seen the shooting was telling how it happened,and there was a big crowd packed around each one of these fellows,stretching their necks and listening. One long, lanky man, with longhair and a big white fur stovepipe hat on the back of his head, and acrooked-handled cane, marked out the places on the ground where Boggsstood and where Sherburn stood, and the people following him aroundfrom one place to t'other and watching everything he done, and bobbingtheir heads to show they understood, and stooping a little and restingtheir hands on their thighs to watch him mark the places on the groundwith his cane; and then he stood up straight and stiff where Sherburnhad stood, frowning and having his hat-brim down over his eyes, andsung out, "Boggs!" and then fetched his cane down slow to a level, andsays "Bang!" staggered backwards, says "Bang!" again, and fell downflat on his back. The people that had seen the thing said he done itperfect; said it was just exactly the way it all happened. Then asmuch as a dozen people got out their bottles and treated him.
Well, by and by somebody said Sherburn ought to be lynched. In about aminute everybody was saying it; so away they went, mad and yelling,and snatching down every clothes-line they come to to do the hangingwith.