While I’d missed my daughter, I didn’t resent that I’d chosen Dan over Beth. The fact that I had, had undeniably formed a new, stronger bond between us. I have to hope my actions hadn’t shattered it.
While he’d been growing up, we hadn’t shared an easy relationship. I certainly wouldn’t win any mom-of-the-year awards, and he was wrong thinking I’d preferred Beth over him, I hadn’t. But what I wasn’t was the perfect mom, and I’d made a lot of mistakes. What I hadn’t seen was that Connor wasn’t as naturally academically clever as his sister. He needed an education, and when he didn’t get the grades she’d managed at his age, I’d put it down to his being lazy and was on his back about his poor achievements all the time. It was only because I wanted the best for him, but it had backfired. My encouragement had been seen as nagging, and the result was I’d chased him away and into the hands of his father.
Some bridges had been mended when, to make amends, I voluntarily went into exile with him, but now I’ve betrayed him all over again, by contacting his sister.
“Your mom did the best she could to be careful,” I hear Lost explain. “She bought a burner and drove a distance away to use it. She didn’t consider that Beth’s phone would probably be monitored and thought that was all she needed to do to cover her tracks. Precisely where you live can’t be known, just that you’re in San Diego.”
“I can’t believe you were so stupid.” Dan rounds on me. “Someone now knows I’m not dead. Do you want to get me killed for real, Mom?”
“Of course I don’t,” I cry out. “I—”
But he’s walked off.
As I move to follow him, Lost takes hold of my arm, a gentle touch, but strong enough that it halts me. “Leave him,” he instructs.
“Leave him?” I turn incredulously. “I’ve got to explain.”
“He’s a man, he’ll work it out,” Lost replies confidently. “That’s what we do, storm off, give ourselves space to calm down, and then think things through more rationally. I like that in him.” He nods after Dan thoughtfully. “Instead of shouting and screaming and saying things both of you would regret, he’s taken himself off to cool down.”
“He might be packing his bags.” I wouldn’t blame him if he was filling a suitcase. If I’d brought Alder to our home, we’d have to move like right now.
“He lives in the backyard?” Lost nods over my shoulder. As I turn, I see Dan standing in the beam from the security light in the middle of the grass, his head bowed.
As I stare, Lost leads me out of sight of the window. “Give him some space,” he suggests.
“I gave him space when he went to live with his dad. That got us nowhere at all. I thought he’d soon run home with his tail between his legs, but instead he stayed.”
“You think it’s easy for a man to admit he’s wrong?” Lost shakes his head. “Especially at that age, he’d have tried to make what go of it he could. He’d left to make a point to you and wouldn’t return until that point had been made. But he was in the wrong place, with the wrong man and unable to do that. In the end, he wanted out, as you know.”
“I made so many mistakes with him, Lost. Thought I was making up for them now. Now I’ve messed up. Look, let me go to him, I have to explain.”
“Explain what?” Lost’s fingers tighten on the arm he still hasn’t let go of. Some primal part of my brain is enjoying the connection between us, but why, I really don’t know. Perhaps it’s been so long, I’m desperate to have a man’s hands on me anyway I can.
“What are you going to explain, babe?” he continues, oblivious to the thoughts in my head. “That you love both your kids equally? That while you’re here supporting Dan, Beth is always on your mind? It’s not that you prefer one over the other, it’s that you’re a good mom, and care for them both.”
“I—”
I’m interrupted by the voice of my son. “I’m not fucking thinking that, Mom. Get that out of your head. I know you care about me. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. But hell, Mom, you must miss Beth. This is the longest you’ve ever been apart. I know you’d like to be part of her life. Fuck it, so would I. But I fucked up and gave up my right to have all my family with me. I’ve been offered a new start in life and am young enough to take it, but you’ve been dragged away from everything you’ve known. Your house you lived in for years is now Beth and Ink’s home, you can’t speak to your friends, or hold those barbecues when everyone came around. To come with me, you’ve ripped yourself away from everything, the life you loved as well as Beth.”
After the final words of his long speech come out of his mouth, I open mine to tell him it’s worth it, but it appears he hasn’t finished yet.
“Yeah, you fucked up calling Beth, but all Alder has is the city and state you called from. It’s only supposition we live anywhere close by. We’ve just got to keep our heads down, and hope we stay out of his sights.” He grimaces as if he’s realised that means staying hidden, only going out when it’s essential to do so. It makes him add, “Or, we decide this is the time I use that number to get in touch with the agent they told me to contact in case of trouble. Ask them to move us somewhere else.”
“I’m the risk,” I tell him, having realised the truth in what Lost had said. “They let me come with you, but only after I begged. Now I’ve messed up and done exactly what they thought I would, I contacted Beth. They would be in their rights to refuse to relocate me.”
Dan looks at me with an expression in his eyes which belie the number of years he’s lived on this earth. “Perhaps it’s time to face up to hard choices, Mom. I’m the one who needs to pay for what I did. If the marshals will only move me, then maybe that’s for the best. You can go back to your life.”
“No, she can’t,” Lost interrupts, brushing a hand through his hair. “Look, I don’t know this Alder, but a man doesn’t manage to stay one step in front of the feds or arrange pipelines to bring drugs in undetected without having a brain in his head. He knows Patsy, remember? She chose bringing you and your sister up right against living off your dad’s ill-gotten gains. He’ll know she didn’t just abandon you both, not a good woman like her. After losing you, she’d have stayed close to her daughter.”
Dan’s lips press together. “But she didn’t stay with Beth, she left. So following that logic, it’s me she’s with, so I can’t be dead.” He shakes his head. “Alder knows I’m alive.”
“We can’t know he thinks that, Dan.” I’m clutching at straws, I know.
“I like San Diego,” he says tiredly. “I actually like having a job where I don’t have to hide from the cops, but I don’t know what to do now I’ll need to keep looking over my shoulder all the time. When I was ‘dead’ I could relax and enjoy myself. Work, make friends, do what normal guys of my age do. I could look to my future and think of going to college.” He shrugs. “But perhaps I’ll just start all over again somewhere else. But, Mom… Look, I know how much you miss Beth.”
The expression in his eyes suggests he thinks I’ll try to contact her again. He might be right. I might be able to go weeks, months even, but years and never hearing from my daughter again? “All we can hope is this has an end date. Eventually the feds will have to catch Alder. Then it will be safe for us to go home.”
Lost snorts. “Not unless Alder is dead. If it’s revenge he’s after, he’ll probably have a long reach even when he’s in the pen.” As Dan and I exchange dismayed glances, Lost speaks again, continuing in a reasonable tone, “Perhaps there’s another option?”
Dan swings around and looks at him hopefully. “What are you talking about? What are you thinking?” I’m glad he asked as I don’t have a clue what else we can do other than to stay and risk Alder catching up with us, or one or both of us relocating out of state.
Lost indicates the couch and sits on it. He waves Dan toward the chair opposite him and pats the seat next to him and glances at me.
Accepting his unspoken invitation, I sit, making sure there’s a cushion between us. L
ost disturbs me in ways I haven’t felt for many, many years.
Placing his elbows on his knees, he clasps his hands. “Alder’s keeping a low profile, just as you are yourself, Dan. He can’t afford to fuck up and show his face. Coming after you means taking risks I’m not sure he’d want to make. Sure, he’d rather you weren’t breathing, but this doesn’t make sense. The feds want Alder. One sniff he’s closing in on you and they could be tempted to use you as bait. Alder must be aware of this, and any move would have to be carefully planned.”
My eyes widen. “Could this be down to the feds? Could they have let it be known Dan’s not dead?” I gasp at the implications. “Are we being used?”
“Can’t completely discount it, but I don’t see it’s likely. They wouldn’t drip feed information, too much could go wrong. Without you being protected, Alder could sneak in under their net. I am wondering whether Dan knows more than he’s let on.” He raises an eyebrow.
“I know nothing,” Dan refutes. He gives me a weak grin. “I’m dead, remember.”
“Won’t blow smoke up your ass.” Lost looks at Dan then me. “As I told your mom, the message we got was cryptic. Might mean nothing at all, but I don’t take chances. Which means, I’m gonna act as though someone knows you’re alive. Always best to look at things in the worst light. We’ve been making assumptions your enemy is Alder, but we do need to discover whether anyone else could have you in their sights?”
Dan steeples his fingers beneath his chin. His creased brow shows he’s giving the question careful consideration. After a moment, he shakes his head. “I wasn’t a choir boy when I worked for Phil, probably made a few enemies when I was debt collecting for him, but they’re not the type of folks with the clout to come after me or believe anything other than it was me in that coffin. Alder’s the only one who could do that.”
“Is there anything you held back when you spoke to the feds about Alder?”
Dan again thinks hard. “I gave them everything I had. I gave away his name, where he lived, the people who worked for him, and the routes I know he used.”
“Enough to fuck up his business as we surmised,” Lost states. His clasped hands rock up and down. “Any warehouse locations?”
“I didn’t know one. But if they picked up the people I named, one of them may have talked.”
“One of them may be out gunning for you,” Lost reminds him.
Dan nods and agrees. “Could be, I suppose.”
“Get me the list of names you gave the feds, I’ll get Token, our computer guy, to check them out. See if they’re in the pen or walking free men.” He gets out his phone and makes a note. “Once we trace them, I can find some connections if they’re inside and start asking questions.”
“Satan’s Devils have men inside?” I ask.
Lost turns and gives me a sad smile. “Not right now. We did, he got sent down a long time back, but he died. We are friendly with other clubs who take more risks than we do, though.” He looks back at Dan. “Let’s get back to Alder. What’s he likely to do? He’s still got his contacts over the border and customers this side. Is he able to continue his trade?”
“I fucked it up, but it doesn’t mean he can’t start over. His supply chain in Mexico is still there. I’d expect that’s what he’d do.”
Lost makes another note on his phone. “I’ll get Token to try and estimate just how much damage was done to Alder, and what the feds did. A warrant is out for his arrest, and they may have been able to freeze any assets in his name, though I suspect he’ll have multiple accounts, maybe even untraceable offshore ones.”
“I fucked up the entry point he used,” Dan points out. “He might find it hard to bring drugs over the border.”
“The border is long. He’ll find a new way across.”
Lost is probably right. But are they forgetting something? “You’re talking about the drug trade. What about the girls?” I remember only too well the broken women brought to the clubhouse in Pueblo. I’d been horrified that the same fate—to sell her off as a sex slave—had been planned for Beth as well.
Lost raises an eyebrow at Dan who leans back in the chair. “Phil had trafficked girls. I’m pretty certain he was doing that on his own. A sideline which Alder didn’t know about. The feds never questioned me about that in relation to Alder.”
“Were Alder and Phil close?”
I huff. “They were brothers-in-law. Thick as thieves from what I remember. Can’t see that changing.”
“The dynamics had.” Dan stares at me. “Phil became more of a junior partner. I think that’s why he wanted something for himself.”
“It’s worth looking into.” Lost makes another note. “We’ll start digging in that area too. See if we turn anything up.” He looks across at Dan. “I agree with you. If Alder came across you, he’d waste no time taking you out of the picture. But I can’t see it’s worth him putting himself at risk. As for where he is, could he set himself up south of the border?”
“He does have links with the cartel,” Dan confirms. “Has to have, that’s how the drugs reach him in the first place.”
“Okay,” Lost stands, getting his car keys out of his pocket, “I’ll get back and get Token digging through this shit, see if we can find out more information. I came to warn you, not worry you, okay?”
“Are we safe?” I ask him quickly. “Can I go out for groceries, and can Dan go to work? Should we go on as we are, or keep our heads down low?”
Lost takes a moment, then tells me, “For now, carry on as usual, but we’ll see how this goes. I would suggest I leave a prospect with you, but the reason why I came in the car and without my cut is to hide that the Satan’s Devils are interested in whoever lives in this house. You’ve got links to our chapter in Colorado, so there’s a chance they could be watching the club too.” His eyes sharpen. “Stay vigilant. I’ll leave you my number, and those of my officers. If you see anything suspicious, or think you’re being watched or followed, then get somewhere safe, somewhere crowded, and call us. We’ll come to you.”
It’s good advice. I just hope we don’t need to take it, I muse as Lost goes to the door.
“You’ll tell us if you find anything out?” Dan asks.
“Of course.” Lost raises his chin with his reply.
I see Lost out, part of me wishing he wasn’t going, part of me wishing he really was what he appeared to be, a man visiting a friend. As I close the door to prevent myself from watching his handsome and shapely for his age figure walk down my driveway, I wished he’d come for something, anything, other than to give me this worrying news.
“Mom, I’m sorry,” Dan says contritely when I reappear in the living room. “If I had listened to what you told me about my father, we wouldn’t be here now.”
He’s not too old for a hug it would seem as he opens his arms and I settle into them. “Any apology is on me, Dan. I shouldn’t have made that call.”
His arms tighten. “Best we accept that we can’t change the past or what happened. We just have to deal and move on.”
Chapter Seven
Lost
It’s late when I return to the clubhouse. Parking the car, I get out and stretch, rolling my neck to unkink my muscles. I hate driving a cage, even for short distances, feeling trapped without the wind on my face. Living where I do, cars are not such a necessity, we can ride all year, with only rain to deter us. Even then, most of us are hardy enough to ignore what the elements throw at us, preferring to get wet than be caged in.
There are still a few brothers around, I find as I enter, walking in on a common enough scene that I don’t raise even an eyebrow. Scribe and Snips have Cindy sandwiched between them; the sweet butt’s legs are around Scribe’s waist and from the way his pants hang loosely around his hips, his cock is probably deep in her snatch. Snips is bucking his hips against her rear, strongly suggesting his cock is in her ass. Cindy, with her head thrown back in abandon, is clearly one hundred percent engaged and enjoying herself if her
cries of encouragement and harder are any indication.
In one of the corners, I notice Bones and Blaze are half having a conversation, and half watching the live porn being played out in front of them, while Salem and Pennywise are playing pool.
A bout of coughing informs me Smoker’s in the room, his position apparent by the smoke swirling up from the end of the room. Rolling my eyes, I ask Wrangler, who’s bartending, for a beer, then walk across to the culprit.
“One,” I tell him when I get close, “smoking is going to kill you. And two, you know what was agreed—you fuckin’ go outside to smoke.”
“Jeez, Prez.” He places his hand over his heart. “Warn a brother, will ya? Didn’t hear you approach. And Tyler’s fine nowadays, and he’s not even here.”
“Okay,” I say deceptively reasonably. “When Dart’s old lady brings the baby in and gets a whiff of that smoke, I’ll point the finger at you. That will be alright, won’t it? As it doesn’t matter.”
It’s a big fucking matter to my VP as everyone knows, and everyone but Smoker goes outside to get their nicotine fix, or to smoke weed. But being an addict himself, Smoker has often said he’s unaware of any problem. He long ago lost his sense of smell and has no idea how that odour hangs around.
He growls, then stubs his cigarette out. “Fuckin’ kids. Alex should leave them at home.” He stands, picks up the box of the offending items, pockets them and his lighter, then walks off.
“You upsetting the man again?” Salem’s obviously finished his game and is now coming toward me with a smirk on his face.
“You’re the fuckin’ enforcer,” I tell him. “Isn’t it up to you to enforce the rules?”
His lips press together. “You notice how bad his cough is getting?”
Yeah. That’s part of the reason I’m coming down so hard on him. If banning smoking indoors gets him reconsidering even one less cigarette, that’s got to be better for him. “Kind of hard to ignore. You think it’s something serious? Has he seen a doc?”
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