by H. A. Nicola
"Happy New Year, Bethany.
Did I do something to upset you?"
The advertisement in the gym window, and the similar one on the website, was asking for someone who was looking for a challenge. Someone committed, determined and with a passion to inspire others.
BECOME A PERSONAL TRAINER, it beckoned from the page. Cayenne had been giving serious thought to what was next. What was her next challenge going to be? What was going to be different about the New Year? She now wondered whether she may just have her answer.
There was little cost involved, but a real commitment of time would be required. Could she manage it around the school timetable? On the plus side, she spent most of her time in the gym anyway. Why not take it to another level and eventually make a career out of it.
Cayenne was well-aware that she was of an age that she would have to put real effort in to maintaining her own well-being. So she made sure that after each training session, particularly if it had been a challenging one, to go to the cool down area, where she could stretch properly, do her own abs routine and then use the foam roller over as much of her body as possible. She wasn’t satisfied with the token minute cooldown that had been added to the classes, so she put in the extra time knowing that it would aid her recovery and keep her body strong. She felt irked whilst witnessing a trainer putting their client through a supposed cool down, whilst chatting away about their own business, not really focusing. Then within minutes, they would be saying their goodbyes and slotting the next session into the diary.
She would watch them disappear towards reception whilst she was still in the first phase of her own cooldown. She could just imagine Diego’s eyes rolling in his head if he could hear her thoughts right now. He would surely throw her a knowing look as if to say, “Have you heard yourself? Who do you think you are?”
As soon as Cayenne emerged from the lower depths of the gym, and her phone regained its signal, she was alerted to a reminder from Sugar’s school that a meeting had been scheduled the following morning. There were others seeking her attention.
"Please come back.
Are you at the bus stop?"
The following day, there were more.
"Any chance of a rescue from the January blues and dull Canary Wharf normality?
Jon has to stop messaging as it is messing with his head!
Hope I didn’t upset you at any point. "
Cayenne was looking forward to trying Yin Yoga that evening, as it was another discipline that she hadn’t come across before. She wasn’t disappointed. As its name suggested, it was almost the opposite of traditional Yoga; in that, it wasn’t so much about the dynamic poses, as it was a more internal focus on breathing and its positive effects. It was an interior scan of the body, locating tension or discomfort and recognising it without dwelling on it and then using the breath to let it go.
When she arrived, others were already there preparing themselves by lying quietly in the dimly lit yoga room in various positions. She noticed that they had a pile of props beside them and so made sure that she selected a block, a curious looking strap and a blanket.
Just as she lay down on her back and rested her arms by her sides and closed her eyes, a small voice called out, “Hi guys.”
Charlotte the instructor was as warm and delicate as her voice—tall and slim with shoulder-length blonde hair, and a figure that told the story of her disciplined life. She gingerly stepped through the room being careful to avoid stepping on the many bodies dotted around the floor on purple mats.
After putting on some soothing music, Charlotte gathered her own mat and props and settled at the front, ready to begin the class.
"Okay, guys, thank you for coming. If this is your first time here, and for those that are new to Yin, it is a practice that focusses more on our internal selves.
I’m sure many of you know, our minds are constantly bombarded with stimuli, and so it is easy to end up with a busy mind that is constantly processing all of the information that’s thrown at it. What can happen is the mind gets so used to that amount of information that it starts to crave the stimuli in quiet moments as well, so it ends up looking for stuff to fill the gaps when we really would benefit from training our minds to stay empty for some downtime. To allow the mind to just be…
Any kind of dynamic form of yoga caters to this aspect of keeping ourselves busy. Although the mind may calm down as a result of the active exercise, we are still essentially feeding the part of us that craves intensity and wants to be stimulated. We just happen to have found a healthier stimulus.
Now the purpose of our practice is not to rule out the dynamic yoga but rather to balance all the on-the-go aspects of life, and Yin Yoga is a great way to do that.
The first part of our practice that I’m going to lead you into is a dynamic breathing exercise that you might find useful to just settle the mind for today’s session, and the great thing about it is it’s something that you can adopt at any time when you leave here, whenever your mind is feeling overwhelmed; or you feel you need an instant burst of energy, this will be a good one to try."
She nodded encouragingly around the class.
“So I want you to find a comfortable sitting position. You might find it useful to sit on one of your blocks; this will help you to sit up straight. Cross your legs in front of you, or have them straight out along the mat if that feels more comfortable. Place your hands on your thighs, palms facing upwards. Gently close or soften your eyes, and we are going to breathe in for the count of five; hold the breath in, sitting as tall as you can for five, and then we are going to breathe out for five.”
The class listened obediently, and Cayenne could hear the soothing sounds of inward and outward breaths all around her. It was a challenge holding the breath in for that length of time, but she found that it served to intensify the outward breath, and the feeling of release that came with it.
“Okay, nice guys! Now if you would just place your palms together at your chest, raise your thumbs to your third eye, the spot between your brows and I want you to set an intention for this practice. Whether it be to cultivate more energy in your day-to-day lives, or it could be to work on your flexibility, but it could also be something that is more personal to you in your life that you want to focus on specifically during this practice. So let’s close our eyes, and we’ll set our intention. We can seal this by taking in a full intake of breath and breathing out, and then we can begin…”
Cayenne was appreciative of how the intonation of Charlotte’s voice seemed to dance high and low which had an immediate soothing effect on the class.
She closed her eyes, and for the first time in an extraordinarily long time, she set her intention to open herself up for some love in her life in whatever shape or form it materialised.
It perhaps wasn’t the best idea to go from the tranquillity of Yin Yoga straight upstairs to the strength studio, but alas that was the timetable, and she was determined to experience the wide range of classes that were available and identify which ones suited her.
Strength was an intense 30-minute frenzy involving weights and fast-paced movements that were timed and then repeated with very little recovery time. It was certainly a shock to the system, and many times she found herself heaped in a corner gasping for breath.
As she was still relatively new to the gym, she was always surprised that her classmates weren’t friendlier and more welcoming. She didn’t need them to be, but she did find it a tad disconcerting when she walked into a class and was met with a frosty silence. She decided to ignore it and concentrate on herself as she reasoned that her own intense energy probably unnerved people too.
By the time she had finished the class and ran through her cool-down routine, it was past nine o’ clock. She practically hopped and skipped the two-minute journey from the gym to her apartment, buzzing with energy. The children were still up when she walked in. They had helped themselves to the dinner she had prepared earlier but had failed to clear away aft
er themselves.
“Dieeeeeego!” she screeched at the top of her voice.
“Yes, Mum.”
“Get in here right now.”
Later whilst listening to music as she dozed off to sleep, the sound was interrupted by a message signal.
“SHOULD I STOP?”
When she awoke, there were more.
"Is Bethany coming out to play?
Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh
What happened to Bethany? Can I tell Bethany a story?"
Chapter 11
Cayenne sat in the reception area of Sugar’s junior school waiting for her turn to meet with the class teacher. Thankfully Sugar was doing very well with her studies, and the only area of concern that the teacher highlighted had been her reluctance to involve herself in class discussions and her general reticence to speak up. Admittedly, she was a very sensitive child and at a very self-conscious age. If only Cayenne could somehow relay to the school that they needn’t worry. She herself had been a very quiet and somewhat withdrawn child; and that she was almost certain that in time, Sugar too would find her voice and eventually be able to assert herself. For Cayenne, that process hadn’t happened at school. Finding herself alone in the capital aged 20 and falling into toxic relationships had accelerated her worldliness; and as a result, eventually, her confidence had begun to develop too.
Later her phone vibrated in her hand; she had forgotten to take it off silent after the meeting earlier.
"Had any naughty fun yet this year?… I need a taste.
Hey! Did I upset you????"
She paused for a moment. Imagining the stranger in absolute turmoil, needing to know whether there was anything he had done to upset her. She suddenly found his concern endearing. He had started messaging her almost three months before, just prior to Christmas; and yet, it was nearing the end of February, and his persistence was showing no end. She didn’t quite know what to make of it. She had been convinced that after a few days of not hearing anything that he would give up, and she would never have to think about him again.
Perhaps it was time to put him out of his misery.
“No. It just wasn’t particularly enjoyable, that’s all. Wow. You are the very definition of persistence.”
His response was immediate.
" Hey! Apologies on both accounts – persistency and failing to give you a good experience…
On persistency, this was due to the complete cut-off. Negative honest feedback would have been better than the full silent treatment (Jon could have taken it!).
On good experience, any pointers? Care to share?
Irritated that I failed on this (I thought you wanted the spanking … please let me know if I can make proper amends with a nice bottle of red wine.
Anyway, good to hear from you."
"As I recall, it was a bit of a non-starter.
I remember leaving the hotel thinking… I’ve just spent £35.00 on taxi fares to sit in a hotel room, following an exceedingly jittery fumble.
You spent most of the time on your phone looking increasingly nervous…
I mean… just not in a hurry to repeat.
Sorry.
That’s honest."
"Everything you said was completely valid. You’re fucking gorgeous and deserved full attention with proper non-jittery treatment… I should have booked time off to treat you properly rather than try and satisfy you in my lunch hour!!
It’s annoying me that I was so immature.
Let me make it up to you… I will even pay taxi costs. "
She decided not to respond. A couple of days later, he sent her a picture that she had sent him from their encounter in the hotel. For reasons that now escaped her, she had decided to send him a seductive picture of herself just prior to leaving.
He was now expressing his appreciation.
"Bad girl.
The memory is making me hard.
Gorgeous sight for sore eyes. In fact, gorgeous sight for any type of eyes."
At some point, she must have mentioned that she hadn’t been feeling too well after the wine they had consumed and perhaps inferred that it had been a deliberate act to pacify her.
"Okay, this one gets long…wanted to make a couple of points FULLY clear regarding the mini-bar bottles – we opened them together, and we both had glasses from them!
In fairness, they were very strong, and I don’t think either of us had eaten – they cost me nearly double the taxi fare you mentioned, so I remember wishing I had brought really nice champagne in for you instead of raiding the mini-bar!!
I should have mailed you back that night to check how you were (I did mean to), but I got stuck at work until very late.
BUT WHY would I behave in the way you mention? I had not forced you in any way to come there.
This next bit is slightly corny… stupidly, I really enjoyed our fantasy chats (had withdrawal symptoms) and thought we did actually have a connection around the honesty, no hassle rules and what you wanted.
I was simply looking to give you a break from the norms of the tough job you do and family stresses. I wanted to treat you and, as you know, simply be your toy!!
I admit I was a little nervous (I don’t see that as anything but complimentary – you are beautiful), but I also thought at times on that afternoon it really was rather intense between us?
I genuinely don’t like the opinions you’ve been left with—can we not discuss face-to-face over dinner?"
Chapter 12
She waited outside Bar One—the bar where they had gone for that first fateful drink. She always liked to arrive early. She was about to reach for her phone to message the stranger when she saw him waddling towards her from the other side of the pedestrian bridge. He was dressed in his usual office attire accompanied by a thick, knitted cream sweater. He had clearly gained weight over Christmas. She could see the additional mass around his chin area as he walked towards her. Her heart sank just a little. Soon he was upon her and embraced her warmly and kissed both cheeks.
“Hi. It’s so good to see you. I’ve been desperate to see you…” He steered her inside, and soon they were sitting opposite each other again.
He stared at her shyly unable to keep the smile from his face.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m good, thanks.”
“How are the kids?”
She appreciated his interest. “They’re fine, thank you…”
“Look, I’ve gotta admit, I was pretty perturbed by your insinuation that I gave you too much to drink.”
“I’m still not entirely certain that that didn’t happen.” Cayenne was partially goading him.
“Are you serious?”
They looked at one another and simultaneously burst into uproarious laughter.
She was slightly taken aback at how comfortable she felt around him. She had expected to feel more guarded.
He updated her on what was happening at work. The changes taking place, the new bosses pulling strings and the uncertainty in his industry. He maintained the melancholy that he had expressed before and a deep sense of unfulfillment.
“Have you had any nights out yet?”
“No. My social life pretty much revolves around the gym really.”
He was looking at her with that look of bewilderment again.
“Don’t you go out with your friends?”
Cayenne was sure they had covered this topic the first time, but as it was several months ago, he must have forgotten. “Mmmm. Friends. I’ve always had trouble acquiring those.”
“What do you mean? You have friends though, right? Surely?”
“Erm, not really. I mean…. How can I explain? I think I may have developed some trust issues early on, so it seems even when I have had opportunities to develop friendships, I seem to shy away from them. Well actually less shy away, and more accurately, sprint in the opposite direction; but then again to be completely honest, I love my own company. There isn’t anyone’s company that I enjoy more than my own.�
� They both dissolved into laughter again. Though his laugh emoted a twinge of scepticism. She liked that they laughed easily together.
“I think friendship can often be a tad overrated. How about you? Do you have a lot of friends?” She recalled his previous answer, but decided to go with the ‘covering-old-ground’ theme.
He sat back in his chair, stretched his arms and linked them behind his head as he contemplated the answer.
“Yeah, I have a group of core friends that I communicate with regularly. I regard those as my real friends. I have a lot of associates as well. University will do that for you, as I’ve said before.”
They paused as they sipped their drinks. During the pause, he looked directly at her, taking her in; so she sipped some more, thankful that her dark skin belied the burning red sensation emanating from her cheeks. She was suddenly aware of how hot she felt and shifted in her seat.
He clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes and fixed them on her. “You are unbelievably brutal. All the messages I sent you. I mean did you get them, or did you just ignore them?”
She hid her smirk with the half-filled glass of wine in her hand.
“To be honest… I had no intention of responding. After we met at the hotel, I started to feel a little unwell just before I left.”
“Yes, I seem to recall you messaging that you weren’t feeling well. I should have followed up to see if you were okay. I meant to, but I just got caught up with work.”
“It was a couple of days before you messaged after that.”
“No, I messaged you the same day, later on, didn’t I?”
She shook her head. She remembered scrolling through the emails and noticing the two-day gap before the onslaught began.
“Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“Why are you apologising? It doesn’t matter.”
“Well, it does. I mean. I wish I had now. I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable. I actually had a really good time.”