“You hiding under the covers?” She giggled and jumped onto the bed, spilling popcorn along the way. “I’m gonna hide with you.”
The first treatment didn’t go as they planned, so they switched up protocols. The doctor said I might have some new side effects. Gave me a long list of them. So far I was only having chills, but they ain’t have any intention of letting up any time soon.
“Jackie’s boyfriend is downstairs. He’s gonna go get us some pizza. You want some pizza?”
Jackie’s boyfriend…“W-Who’s that, b-b-baby?”
“Kem.”
Kem was her boyfriend now?
“Mommy, you shaking.” Jenna rested her head against the pile of blankets.
“I’m f-f-fine baby. D-Don’t worry.”
Lyrics to a song I didn’t recognize wafted into my bedroom followed by a beat that was somewhat familiar. Somebody must’ve turned up the volume ‘cause after ten seconds, I could hear it more clearly. It was one of Stevie Wonder’s songs.
“Come on, dance with us.” Nat poked her head into my room. “Come on.” She didn’t wait before taking Jenna by the hand.
From the sound of it, I figured she had both the twins dancing in the hallway. The music was coming from the boom box in Jackie’s room.
“How you feeling now, Mama?”
“Fine.”
Jackie sat on the floor beside my bed, watching me attentively. “If you feel like eating, let me know, and I’ll fix you something.”
“Mmhmm…,” slipped from my lips as I sunk into the darkness.
◼︎
Daddy stood over me, looking down patiently as I came to. He knew everything that had happened since we last saw each other and forgave me for my less than honorable moments. I hadn’t been blessed with his strength, or so I thought, but he fixed his face to tell me otherwise. I had survived his passing. Survived Ricky. Got my girls back. And he meant to impart on me that I had everything I’d ever wanted at the edge of my fingertips. I just had to reach for it.
“Am I dying?”
He smiled, stroking my face. “Pecan.”
How long had it been since I heard his voice?
“You done good,” he said sternly. “But you ain’t finished. Go on now. Make yourself useful.”
Tears flowed down my face, and my heart filled with love.
“It’s okay, Belinda. Just let it out.”
The floor was hard, like stones rubbing against my bare knees. Rubbing as I fought my body’s convulsions, fought to stay upright over the toilet.
“I got you,” Heziah said, as I lurched forward into the toilet bowl.
I ain’t even remember eating, but at some point I must have.
“Okay, I think that’s it. Relax now.”
The rocks that were trying to rub my knees raw a second ago, up and decided to be nice and cool my forehead instead. The sound of water filled the sink basin, and a cool towel pressed against my lips. Heziah’s face came into view.
“Am I dreaming?”
“Not at the moment, no.” He settled into the cramped space between tub and toilet. “We’ll just sit here for a minute and relax.”
The house was too quiet to be daylight hours. The girls must’ve been sleeping in their beds. “I saw my daddy.”
He smiled, “Oh yeah? Did you tell him about me?”
“Didn’t have to.”
Heziah chuckled softly. “Well, I sure hope that’s a good thing.”
“Mommy, what’s that?”
“It’s…it’s a penis.”
“Eww.”
Mia’s arm stretched out with a fresh diaper dangling from her fingertips. She’d seen me change quite a few of her baby brother’s diapers but was just getting around to paying attention.
“Can we go in the pool?” She took up her usual position outside the only window, which was painted shut.
The two-story motel circled around a parking lot and a pool that should’ve been drained and tarped over since the snow had begun to fall, but the manager at Lakeview Terrace had better things to do.
Lakeview Terrace didn’t have a view or a lake, but what it did have was two U-shaped floors with substandard rooms surrounding its cesspool—the site of disputes, parties, and everything in between. One night I even saw the guy from room 112 jacking off into it.
“Can I? Puh-lease?”
“No.”
Alan was a good baby, nothing like his sister was. She’d yipped and yapped and fought with me over everything—medicine, diaper changes, and anything else that seemed to matter. But Alan just cooed, sucking his fingers and toes.
“How come?”
“‘Cause I said so.”
“But I’m hot.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am!”
She wasn’t. She couldn’t have been. It was forty degrees outside and only fifteen degrees warmer in our room.
“When Dee get back?”
The school needed him before the kids got there and long after they went home. It was good for him, but meant I was stuck in that tiny motel room for longer than I could stand.
“How come the floor stink?”
“Don’t lie on it. Stand up.”
Mia pushed her nose into the decrepit green carpeting to make sure she’d located the source of the stench. Then jerked back and coughed. It wasn’t just the mildewed carpeting. The dresser drawers smelled of smoke and the blankets of dust and disinfectant. It all mingled together and filled the room, prompting coughing fits every few hours.
“Where Dee go?”
“Work.”
“When he come back?”
“Soon.”
Having full-time work should’ve been our ticket to a halfway decent life. There was more money coming in, at least theoretically.
“When soon?”
“Soon soon.”
“How come he not coming upstairs?”
Alan was drifting off to sleep, rubbing his face against the clean towel stretched across the bed he shared with his sister. So, I stood and joined Mia at the window. Just in time to see Darien slip into one of the rooms on the first floor.
“Why he go there? He forget where we are?”
“Stay here.”
“No, I go too.”
Mia weighed about thirty pounds, and I felt each one as I lifted her onto the foot of the bed. “Stay here. Do not move. Do not open the door.”
I made it to the staircase and was all set to take the steps two at a time when it hit me. I’d left my new baby alone with his four-year-old sister in a motel that housed the lowest of lowlives, all to chase some sense into a man that was twice my age. I turned on my heels and returned to our room to pack.
“We go get Dee now?”
“No.” I braced myself for what was coming next. Mia stood at my side, watching in horror as I stuffed our things into a duffel bag.
“We can’t go without Dee!”
Her bottom lip began to tremble, her eyes watering. I’d never wanted to separate them, but it was for her own good. Someday she’d understand.
“Do you have to go? Stay. Stay with me.”
Any other man would’ve been flattered to have a naked woman in his bed begging for him to return to it, but Kem was on the verge of becoming irritated.
“I told you. I have to go. I gave my word.”
He did tell me. And I’d decided that two hours of lovemaking would be enough to change his plans.
“Is the sky gonna fall if you don’t meet her tonight?”
He didn’t bother to answer.
“Is she more important than me?”
“Don’t do that.” He was no longer dangling along the edge of irritability. He had jumped in with both feet. “You knew.” He sighed and stepped into his jeans one foot at a time. “Do you want me to break my word?”
I wanted him all to myself, but I’d technically given up on that desire. Officially, he was free to date any woman he wanted. And I was equally as free. I spent
more time at his apartment than I did my dorm room. He knew every curve and scar on my body. And I was learning Spanish for him. We ended every night with “I love you” and began every morning with a kiss. But still…
I tucked the sheet under my arms and across my chest. He was sexually spent, so I was reasonably sure he wasn’t going to sex up what’s-her-face. “What time are you coming back?”
“I am not sure.” He sifted through his pile of laundry, sniffing out a tee shirt that was generally presentable. Kem had a long list of talents, but domestic matters weren’t included.
“Is she still depressed?”
I wasn’t supposed to know that, but I’d overheard him expressing concern about the amount of medication she was taking. And it didn’t take a psychic to see that all the joy had seeped out of their relationship. A big part of me rejoiced in that. The rest of me was riddled with impatience. Anyone could see the end was coming. It was just taking its sweet old time.
“She is having a hard time,” he admitted and settled on a black tee shirt with an image of a rock band in white on the front. He pushed his hair back from his face, and his eyes did a sweep of the bedroom floor, searching for something. “My shoes. You moved them?”
“In the closet.” Shoes belonged in the closet, along with coats, clothes, and nifty little things called hangers. “Maybe I can come with you?”
It was a subtle shift. A pause. A curious expression. And then he took the bait.
“What do you mean?”
“I can go with you. If you like her, I’ll probably like her too. At least, we’d be together. You. Me. And her.”
“You have a test to study for, no?”
I did.
“You study. Get some sleep. And I’ll be back before you know it.”
Our lips met briefly, and I forced a smile as he disappeared into the hallway. Studying required a certain amount of brainpower. As the front door closed and locked, my mind began a familiar trek. Imagining what’s-her-face. How she wore her hair, whether she was taller than me, thinner than me. Did she greet him with a hug or a kiss? Where would they go? A groan escaped my lips, and my feet hit the floor. I thought I had him for a second there. What man didn’t want two girls in his bed? Studying was impossible.
I dressed quickly in black-and-silver striped tights and a black spandex minidress. Then lit a joint and took up watch next to the picture window overlooking the street below. Dusk was on the horizon, and a bursting orange glow hovered in the distance. Happy hour. It was my second favorite time of day. Half-priced drinks and exhausted professionals looking for a distraction before returning to the monotony of their everyday lives. I finished off the joint and snatched my keys from the hook by the door.
The world spun around me like a merry-go-round with dark bottles, tall and short, and smiling faces that were cheering me on one minute and taunting me the next.
“Get it, girl!”
He was a heavyset dwarf of a man with tiny sweaty hands that had an affinity for my hips. He wasn’t my type, but he was generous, and I was living on a student’s budget. His belly bumped against my midsection, jiggling as he attempted to keep up with me.
“Another round for my girlfriend here!”
A man I’d just met had called me his girlfriend while the man I loved was off with another girl. I wished I was anywhere except for Martin’s Pub. It was only a block or two from Kem’s apartment. The heavy wooden door opened with a whoosh, and I glanced in its direction. Maybe he’d come and find me. He’d end his date early and save me from the overly affectionate oompa-lumpa.
“Hey, wanna get outta here? I know another place downtown. Real nice. Got the best cocktails in the city.”
I heard my mama’s voice in my head screaming a very clear no.
“Whatcha say, pretty girl?”
He didn’t sound like a crazy person. His voice was all I had to go on since my vision had been blurry for the last thirty minutes.
“Aww, come on,” he whispered against my neck while his fat little hands squeezed my waist. “I wanna get to know you better.”
Kem knew me better than anybody outside of my mama. Did he use lines like that to pick up girls? Doubtful.
“I gotta…” My mouth went dry, and I did my best to stand absolutely still with my most serious expression. “Study. Go home. I gotta…go home.”
“I’ll take you.”
A hearty, very pointed laugh jumped out of my chest and danced in his face. Accepting free drinks from the fat midget was one thing, but he wasn’t getting anywhere near my honey pot.
◼︎
I had a special relationship with the moon. It rose and shimmered for me, and I sang for it. Sang all the way down the street. In low sultry tones and a few high-pitched operatic notes thrown in for good measure. Cars whizzed by, their passengers shaking their heads, laughing at the girl with the big voice, but I didn’t take it personally. I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. The street was suddenly quiet, but whispers wafted through the silence. And footsteps fell behind me. They quickened as I caught sight of Kem’s building until they were running after me. One, two, possibly three sets of feet. I turned the corner, wishing I had the coordination of my sober self and was suddenly thrust into the bushes of a neighboring flat. Shadows, tall and lean, stood over me then dove into my pockets, frantically tugging at my clothes.
“No! Help!”
My plea was met by a fist. And then a kick and two more.
“Of course, you can stay here. You should’ve called me, and I would’ve gone to get you all.”
Mya just stared at me, determined not to give anything away. She’d grown even more secretive since getting knocked up the second time. My homeless sister with the pride of a Titan didn’t even have to try to get pregnant. She had two kids out of wedlock, and I was married with none.
“We’ve got plenty of room.” I smiled.
“You sure?” She peered around the corner cautiously.
“He’s not here. I mean he’s working a double shift at the hospital. Give me that baby. He’s so precious.” I couldn’t believe she’d named him after that man.
Mya slung a large duffel bag and a smaller one over her shoulder, then took Mia by the hand and followed me upstairs. We truly did have more than enough room, but Mya seemed reluctant to give the kids their own room.
“Fine.” She finally relented and lifted Mia onto the foot of the bed, systematically removing her shoes, socks, and jeans.
“How Dee gonna find us?”
“Go to sleep,” she said softly and kissed her daughter’s forehead.
With Alan safely tucked away in a laundry basket, Mya began her own bedtime ritual. I trailed behind her to the bathroom, watching as she splashed cold water on her face and squeezed toothpaste onto her toothbrush.
“So, what happened?”
“Nothing,” she lied to my reflection in the mirror.
“Nothing? You just thought you’d show up on my doorstep in the middle of the night?”
She rinsed her mouth and spit into the face bowl. “How are you, Nikki?”
“Where’s Darien?”
“Where’s Jean-Louis?”
“Working…” She’d heard me the first time I said it, and her expression said she wasn’t buying it. “H-He works really hard. He’s the best heart surgeon at the hospital, so…”
“We won’t be here long.”
I had to remind myself not to be offended. It was just Mya being Mya. She didn’t believe anything unless she had firsthand knowledge of it. And she wasn’t big on long discussions. I followed a few steps behind her as she returned to the second guest room.
“How’s Mama?” my sister asked.
“Good. Gaining weight and growing hair. You should go see her. When you get a chance.”
Mya nodded and shed her clothes before yanking back the bedding. Her hand rested against the three hundred-thread count sheets and the fluffy down comforter, exa
mining it. My sister—the smart one, the beautiful one, the one that everybody loved—she’d never seen a bed so nice.
“How’s Jackie?” I asked, making conversation.
She sank into the exquisite sheets and thick down comforter. “Fine, I guess.”
I understood. Even if you saw Jackie every day, there was no telling exactly how she was. Well, other than being high. That much was a given.
“Mya? You okay?”
“I’m a hypocrite.”
“That’s an awful word. Don’t say that.”
“I took them from him. He loves them. They love him. And I took them.”
“You’re their mother. You’re just doing what’s best for them.”
Mya glared at me as if I’d just accused her of being the worst person on the planet.
“Jenna that’s enough,” Heziah was saying. He was always telling her when enough was enough. Didn’t always stop her though. She giggled, zigzagging from the living room to the dining room chasing Callie with a spray bottle of Arm and Hammer.
It was long past the bedtime Heziah had set for them, but that wasn’t so unusual. I stood watch from the second-floor landing, watching the three of them dart from one side of the hallway to the other and back again. I’d been fighting the urge to say “I told you so.” The twins had him wrapped around their little bitty fingers just like the older ones had me.
“California Jenkins!”
She froze, and a second later, Jenna did the same. They stood side by side in matching nightgowns, looking up at me with wide innocent eyes.
“Y’all must’ve lost your minds. You know what time it is? Don’t make me have to come down there.”
Right then the telephone rang, and Heziah disappeared into the kitchen to answer it.
The twins took the stairs in single file, each one blaming the other for getting in trouble. They went down easy enough after that. Kissed them both goodnight and checked in on Nat before I ran into a panic-stricken Heziah.
◼︎
When Heziah asked the security guard to point us in the direction of the emergency room, she was stunned. She looked right past him and at me. I ain’t have time to put on my wig, so I was like a walking advertisement for cancer.
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