Breaking Down Her Walls

by Erin Zak

  “Okay,” Elijah mumbles. “But you should know that Penn’s thinking otherwise.”

  Julia looks at Elijah. “What is that supposed to mean?” she asks. All she knows is the part she heard—about I’m going to fix this and I’m not leaving, which was enough for Julia to want to shoot Penn with a pistol herself.

  Elijah sighs before he looks around his surroundings. “She told me Elena’s gonna take her back if it’s the last thing she does.”

  “It’s gonna be the last thing that asshole even tries if I have anything to say about it.” Jealousy is dripping from Julia’s words.

  Elena lays a hand on Julia’s leg, a bold move, considering present company. “Calm down,” she says. “It’s not for you to worry about.”

  “Yeah, well, I will worry about it. Obviously.”

  “So will I,” Elijah says with a hint of sadness. He was here when Elena went through it, after all.

  “I won’t.” Ed smiles. “I have your back, Elena.”

  Elena smiles back at Ed. “Thank you, my dear friend.” She bows her head at him, then motions with her hand. “The rest of you need to take lessons from this man here.”

  “Any chance Toni would take me back?” Benjamin asks, completely changing the subject. They all laugh, and he smiles. “What? It’s just a question.”

  “No harm in trying,” Elena replies and nudges his boot with her foot. “Maybe she’ll go to the hoedown with you?”

  “Hoedown?” Julia asks.

  “After herding, we do a huge hoedown in the barn. The entire town is invited. It’s to celebrate the end of another successful year. It’s a great time. Food, dancing, live music,” Elena says. She leans into Julia’s shoulder. “We get all cleaned up—”

  “I wear a new hat.” Elijah grins. “Real special.”

  “I’ll not wear leather for once,” Benjamin says. “And maybe Toni will wear that one dress she wore a couple years ago…” His voice trails off as he stares into the distance.

  “Man, you’ve got it bad.” Julia’s secretly relieved that he’s not out to make her his wife, though—that’s for sure.

  “By the way, you guys,” Elena says, moving her hair over her shoulder and running her fingers through it. “Campfire snacks are your job today.”

  Elijah’s eyes go wide just as Ed takes a drink of his beer. And Benjamin—honest to God—giggles.

  “Hot dogs,” Julia says.

  “Go get them, then, because I refuse to cook on the only day I have off.” And they all four start to stand. Until Julia is pulled back down. “Not you,” Elena murmurs. “You stay with me.”

  And Julia’s heart swells as she sits back down, watching the three boys stumble their way to the house.

  * * *

  The boys are gone for a good ten minutes before Elena finally looks at Julia and with a voice that is so low and seductive, says, “You have got to stop worrying so much, dear.”

  Julia sighs. It’s the only response she can come up with.

  “Julia,” Elena whispers, “I want this. I want you. I’m just…” Elena moves her hand and lets it drop into her lap, fidgeting with the clasp on her watch. “I’m scared. Nervous. I swore off love.”

  Julia moves so she can see Elena’s face. “Love?” And when Elena’s eyes say more than words ever could, Julia shrugs, and says, “So we don’t rush it. We figure it out.”

  “Take things slow?”

  “A snail’s pace if we need to,” Julia says. “For once, I’m not itching to go anywhere.”

  Elena’s eyes lighten. “You’re going to stay, then?”

  “Until you’re ready for me to leave.”

  “I won’t be ready for that. Ever,” Elena says before looking at the fire.

  Elena’s deep breathing makes Julia think that maybe she’s positive, even though her voice sounds unsure. “Elena, look at me.” When Elena turns her head and their eyes lock, Julia tilts her head. “I won’t hurt you.”

  Elena’s face softens, the tiny lines around her eyes deepening when she smiles. “I know you won’t,” she whispers.

  “Let go, then.”

  “I will if you will.”

  Julia shakes her head and looks back at the fire. “That’s not fair.”

  “I have never played fair.”

  Elena’s voice is so full of desire that it takes Julia by surprise. She clenches her fists together, then releases the pressure, looks at Elena, and raises an eyebrow. “I’m not sure whether to be scared or turned on by that confession.”

  A sultry laugh spills from Elena, her perfect deep pink lips curved into a smile. “If you want to take it slow, you shouldn’t admit when I turn you on.”

  “Elena,” Julia says softly. “That would be all the time. Everything you do…everything you say…everything.”

  “Jesus.” Elena bites her bottom lip, then releases the pink flesh. “Taking it slow is going to suck.”

  “Snail’s pace, remember?”

  “Can we make it a racing snail?”

  Julia leans her head back and laughs a hearty laugh.

  “I’ll never survive,” Elena whispers. “Especially when I see you laughing like that.”

  Those words make Julia’s hands ache. “I’m ready to throw in the towel now, so I probably won’t survive, either.”

  Elena flashes her smile, her perfect teeth, and tosses her hair over her shoulder. “You won’t.”

  “You’re so sure?”

  “I’m positive.”

  Julia watches Elena clench her jaw, the outline in her cheek, the way her muscles flex in her neck. Julia’s mouth has gone dry, and she’s pretty sure she lost the feeling in her hips all the way down to her toes. When Elena’s eyes finally land on Julia’s, it takes all the self-restraint ever created for Julia to not ravish every last inch of Elena’s lips, neck, and breasts. Julia tries to swallow and looks back at the fire when she hears one of the guys clear his throat. Busted. How is she going to do this? Talk about torture!

  * * *

  Needless to say, a snail’s pace is extremely infuriating.

  Trying to not touch Elena proves to be insanely difficult. Especially when dinner is complete, and the drinks start flowing, and the soft music plays from Elijah’s battery-powered radio. Julia is trying her hardest to stay in line, to not flirt, to not softly run her fingertips over Elena’s arm or leg or side…But it’s so hard. She can’t stop herself from reaching over to brush a stray crumb from Elena’s lips. She can’t restrain herself from pressing her leg into Elena’s as they sink lower into their seats on the blanket. She can’t fight the goose bumps that form when Elena looks over at her and whispers, “Your skin is so warm.”

  Julia turns her head and looks at Elena. The light from the fire is dancing on her skin. She looks like summer feels, free, invigorating, and remarkable. “Come here,” Julia says. She watches Elena lean closer. When her ear is next to Julia’s mouth, she whispers, “I want to kiss you.” Elena’s intake of breath makes Julia smile.

  “Is that all you want to do?” Elena asks as she leans back a couple inches. She runs a finger down Julia’s hand to the tip of her middle finger, and Julia feels as if she might combust.

  “No. I can think of about a thousand things I want to do.”

  “You think we’ll last this whole ‘taking it slow’ thing?”

  All Julia can do is laugh. And when she finally breaks eye contact, she realizes that all three guys are staring at them. “What?” she asks, and they all smile.

  “Oh, nothing,” Ed says.

  “Get a room,” Benjamin says right before he lets out a loud belch.

  Julia shakes her head and smiles. “You are such a dick.” She feels Elena’s fingertips continue to lightly stroke her fingers. The feeling is so erotic. And it’s just a light touch on the hand! She cannot believe how deeply she has fallen for Elena.

  * * *

  Julia opens the door to the cabin and immediately feels hands on her hips turning her around. She has he
r lips on Elena’s before she even has a moment to think about closing the door or turning on a light.

  The door slams behind them, and Julia pulls away. Elena smiles and reenacts a kicking motion with her foot. “I kicked it closed. No worries,” she whispers before Julia pulls her back into a searing kiss, searches her mouth, revels in the way her teeth feel as she nips at Julia’s lips. It’s so satisfying to kiss Elena that Julia isn’t aware of the sounds she’s making until Elena says between kisses, “You sound so fucking sexy.”

  Julia moans, fights away the embarrassment of being so vocal, and says, “You do this to me.” She slides her hands up Elena’s shirt to the soft skin of her stomach, to the warm small of her back, then to Elena’s breasts. In one fluid motion, she slips her hand under the silken fabric of Elena’s bra, feels the hardness of her nipples, the fullness of her breasts, and the soft, soft skin that she honestly never thought she’d get the chance to feel. The sound that pours from Elena’s mouth when Julia gently rolls each nipple between her forefinger and thumb is enough to send Julia straight over the edge. “Dammit, Elena.”

  Elena laughs as she slides one hand under the waistband of Julia’s running shorts to Julia’s warm center. She cups it, lets her fingers roam over Julia’s panties, tracing the edge with her middle finger. “I want to fuck you so bad,” Elena says into Julia’s ear before she grabs her earlobe and bites down.

  “This is so the opposite of snail’s pace.” All Julia wants is to feel Elena’s fingers inside her, but this is so fast, so furious, and so not what they just discussed. “Elena, God, I don’t know what to do.”

  “I know.” Elena moans, and the sound reverberates into Julia’s ear, and she almost comes right on the spot.

  “Fucking hell,” Julia says through clenched teeth. “We have to stop.”

  “I know,” Elena says. “I don’t want to stop. I want to taste you and feel you come in my mouth.”

  Julia cannot even describe how wet she is. Her panties are soaked. She wants to just let go and do it. Say fuck it and tell Elena to do it, have her way with Julia, with anything she wants. Julia leans her head back, feels Elena’s lips on the hollow of where her neck meets her collarbones, and she knows this isn’t the time. “We should wait,” Julia whispers when she bends her head back, and her eyes lock on to Elena’s. “I want you to love me when you do this.”

  The look that washes over Elena’s face is so wonderful. If Julia didn’t know any better, she would have thought it was love. Elena places her lips on Julia’s. “That won’t be hard to do,” she says against Julia’s lips. “I’m already most of the way there.”

  Julia has run so far away to find something, to find this, to find love and kindness and a home. And all it takes is those words for Julia to know that this relationship could be the very thing she needs to fix her, to make her whole, to protect everything that her self-built walls were supposed to do.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The ride to take the cattle back to the range is far slower than herding the cattle down. It seems like they’ve been riding forever. They’ve been going for the better part of six hours now. Thankfully, Leia handles like a breeze and hasn’t given Julia an ounce of trouble. She’s riding next to Benjamin now, and even though it has been confirmed that he’s not really interested, it’s hard to take his compliments and eyebrow game without wanting to punch him right off his horse.

  “I thought you have a thing for Toni?” Julia finally asks after his tenth try to act like a dashing asshole.

  “Pal!” Benjamin almost shouts as they’re riding, waving his hand as he looks back quickly over each shoulder as if making sure no one heard Julia. “What are you getting on about? You need to keep your freaking voice down!”

  Julia chuckles, glances over at Elena, who is riding next to Elijah and, of course, Penn. “You realize no one is listening, right?”

  “I don’t give a damn,” Benjamin says. “Do you know what it’s like to get dumped by someone you love? It’s not a carnival. And I’m not proud that I still love that woman.”

  “I do know what it’s like.” Julia looks at Benjamin and pulls her baseball cap down to shield her eyes from the harsh sun. “I know exactly what it’s like. But I also know what regret is.”

  Benjamin wipes his brow with the back of his gloved hand and looks at Julia square on. “You mean you think I should try again?”

  “Why not? What do you have to lose?”

  “My dignity?”

  “You’ve already lost that, my friend,” Julia says. He rolls his eyes, and she puts her hand in the air. “No, no, all joking aside. Has she told you to leave her alone?”

  “Quite the contrary,” Benjamin mumbles, to which Julia raises her eyebrows. “She’s been frequenting my bar more and more. Staying until last call. Playing darts and accidentally dropping the dart so she has to bend down…” His voice trails off, dreamy-like.

  Julia has to almost stop her horse so she can stare at him. “Jesus, pal, you need to get your act together,” she says with an air of sarcasm and friendliness she didn’t think she’d ever have with this man.

  He laughs, tilts the brim of his cowboy hat, then motions toward the red Ford where Agnes and Toni are riding. “I’ll give it a whirl on one condition.”

  “Oh, yeah? And what’s that?”

  “That you quit lollygagging and fuck Elena already.”

  Julia’s mouth drops open, her words completely lost.

  Benjamin throws his head back, a hearty laugh escaping. “You’re not the only one with great advice, love,” he finally says, winking.

  “Yeah, well, you’re a bit crass, you asshole!” Julia tries to wipe the shit-eating grin from her face. Another laugh echoes from Benjamin’s mouth, and goddammit, Julia can’t help but laugh with him.

  * * *

  They arrive at the camp sometime after five o’clock. It’s an awesome area that Julia hasn’t seen yet. They’re about five clicks farther north to account for southerly grazing, according to Elijah. The view is spectacular, of course, and the sun is still high in the sky, making it almost too hot to think. It’s a welcome reprieve when Caroline grabs her by the arm and drags her to the small river about a hundred yards from where they’re setting up. Both women strip off their boots, roll their pants up, and plunge their feet into the water, sounds of relief uttered in unison.

  “Julia, I’m so happy that I’ve gotten to know you a little bit better.” Caroline smiles with her hands in the water, cupping handfuls to pour over her arms. They’re both sitting on the large rocks that line the river bank. “I just…It gets a little lonely around here.”

  Julia glances at Caroline, wonders how she can say they’ve gotten to know each other when Julia has barely said ten things about herself, but she plays along. “I agree.” She props her elbows on her knees. It’s been a really long time since she’s had anyone go out of their way to be her friend, and now she has Toni and Caroline, who both seem really normal.

  “I’m happy you’re here. That you stayed. I wasn’t sure you were going to.”

  “I wasn’t sure, either.”

  “I figured.” Caroline laughs. “I mean, don’t get me wrong.”

  “No, don’t worry, I know what you mean.” Julia looks up and then down the river. It’s so peaceful, so beautiful. “I can’t get over how beautiful everything is.”

  “It’s definitely a sight, isn’t it?” Caroline sighs and closes her eyes. “Sometimes, I just sit here and listen. Listen to the way the wind catches the trees, how the birds sound, their chirps, their wings spreading. It’s just so—”

  “Peaceful,” Julia says, closing her eyes. “I’ve almost forgotten how traffic jams sound.”

  Caroline laughs. “You’ll never want to go back to Chicago.”

  Julia opens her eyes when she hears someone approaching them from behind. She glances over her shoulder. “Oh, great.”

  Caroline’s eyes shoot open, and she checks behind her. “What the hell does sh
e want?”

  “To get under my skin, I’m sure.” Julia groans.

  “You want me to stay?”

  “No, but thank you for offering.” She watches Caroline pick up her socks and boots and make her way toward dry land, limping with every step from the rocks on the side of the river. Julia chuckles at the sight.

  “So, you found the promised land?” Penn asks when she approaches the area where Caroline was sitting.

  “Do you mean the river?” Julia asks, an eyebrow raised.

  “No, actually, I meant Elena,” Penn replies, her voice low, dirty, full of something that Julia can’t quite pinpoint. It sounds an awful lot like hatred, but it’s probably jealousy.

  “Don’t talk about her like that,” Julia says. “Ever.”

  “Oh, great, she has you to stick up for her now, too.”

  “Penn, I swear to God—”

  “What? What will you do, Julia Finch?” She turns her body fully toward Julia. “Shank me?”

  Julia’s heart rate starts to pick up the pace. “Excuse me?”

  “Well, I decided to do a little research.”

  “Surprised you can read.” Julia delivers the barb with as much accuracy as a sharpshooter.

  Penn lets out a low chuckle, one that is laced with far more than jealousy. “Oh, I read. I read a lot about you.”

  “And?” Julia knows full well that Penn didn’t get as much dirt about her as she’d have liked.

  “Jail at seventeen? Sound familiar?” Penn’s face looks as if she just unearthed a secret from hundreds of years ago that would prove aliens exist or that George Washington was really a woman.

  “Yeah? So? Everyone has a past. I’m sure you do, too. If I cared enough to even find out.”