by Mark Lowery
He said this like it was a really kind offer.
‘You know, I might let someone else have a go,’ I said. Gamble would be the last person on earth who I’d put in charge of my brain.
‘Suit yourself. I’ll put it in Miss Clegg’s ear instead. Then I’ll make her strap some meat to her fat head and chuck herself into the tiger cage at the zoo.’
Miss Clegg looked up from her phone. She seemed to be playing Angry Birds under the desk. ‘I’ll tell Mr Gibbons you said that tomorrow.’
Gamble ground his teeth together and punched himself in the forehead a few times.
‘Can’t wait to take to you to the Sunshine Unit,’ grinned Miss Clegg. ‘You can meet all the other prisoners. I mean pupils. No, actually, I do mean prisoners.’
I gulped.
This week was lurching from one disaster to the next.
Tuesday night had not been good.
I was already worried about Vanya, Jason and Gamble. And then I had to deal with my mum.
I haven’t really talked about my mum much. She’s pretty much the most embarrassing person of all time. Honestly, when I went to Broughton College for my taster day last month, she insisted on holding my hand right up to the front door and giving me a great big kiss in front of everyone. Then she went up to one of the older girls in Year Eleven and asked if she’d ‘show my baby boy where the tinkle rooms are in case he gets caught short’.
Absolutely horrible.
Anyway, the moment I got through the door after school on Tuesday, she grabbed me in a tight hug. ‘Oh, my little Roman soldier is all grown up!’
‘What are you talking about?’ I said.
‘I got the email from the school about this prom!’ she sang.
Great. I’d been trying to keep it a secret from her. ‘I don’t think I’ll be going.’
‘Nonononono!’ she said. ‘You are going. The email said it’s compulsory. Everyone has to go.’
‘Eh? When did they decide that?’ I asked.
Mum clapped her hands. ‘And the best bit is, you have to go with a girl too. Oh, my little man, out on his first date. We’ll need to get you a suit. And we’ll have to take some photos. It’ll be sooooooo cute. Who are you going to ask?’
‘I hadn’t really thought ab–’
‘How about Rosie Taylor?’
WHAT? I’d rather go to the ball with Darren Gamble. In fact, I’d rather go with Gamble’s dog Scratchy, which is the only creature on the planet more disgusting than Darren himself (imagine Darren but with four legs, patchy fur, breath that could melt a pound coin and a severe case of bum worms).
Then it dawned on me. I was going to have to ask someone to the prom. I hadn’t even considered it up until then. I suddenly felt cold and unpleasant, as though Frosty the Snowman had just given me a nipple twister.
There was only one person I could possibly go with. And that was my best friend. Vanya.
The Big Question
When I walked into class on Wednesday morning, Vanya was sitting on her own. Jason was nowhere to be seen. This was the perfect opportunity. I was feeling quite nervous as I walked towards her. OK, I wasn’t asking her to be my girlfriend. I don’t want a girlfriend. I just needed a friend who was a girl to go with me to this prom. But still, what if she said no? What if she’d already agreed to go with someone else?
Only one thing for it.
I cleared my throat. ‘Ahem! Vanya.’
Unfortunately, at the exact same moment, Jason Grooves swooped in front of me like a big, awful crow. The camera crew were behind him.
‘That cough sounds nasty, Roman,’ Jason said. ‘You should hit my website. I’m selling Jason Grooves cough sweets on there now.’
I opened and closed my mouth a few times as he and Vanya did their stupid special handshake. This was terrible. How could I ask my big question with him here? Then it got worse.
‘How grunk was last night, V-Unit?’
‘Grunk?’ I asked, a sour taste in my mouth. ‘Last night?’
Jason didn’t even look at me to answer. ‘Grunk. It’s our new word instead of snife. We came up with it together last night.’
‘Last night?’ I said again.
‘You’ll never guess,’ said Vanya, her cheeks flushed and her voice going at ninety miles an hour. ‘So I was at home playing on my tablet and then I heard this noise from outside. And I looked out of the window and there’s a HELICOPTER landing in my garden.’
I felt my stomach sink. ‘A helicopter?’
Jason smiled. ‘It was me.’
‘Who else could it be?’ I said, my mouth drier than a camel’s trousers.
Jason didn’t seem to hear me. ‘Remember Monday. The V-Machine said she wanted to ride in Simon Bowel’s helicopter. So I went and picked her and her whole family up in it last night. Bam!’
He did this wrist-flick finger-click thing to emphasise his point. Vanya copied him.
‘Bam!’ she repeated.
She was turning into him!
‘Lovely,’ I croaked.
‘It was Simon Bowel’s idea,’ said Jason. ‘He said we needed to spice up the TV show.’
‘It was so grunk!’ gushed Vanya, bouncing around her seat. ‘We flew around for ages, looking down at all the buildings, then we landed in the park and Jason did a private concert just for us …’
‘Sounds incredible,’ I said flatly.
‘Oh, you’d have loved it,’ said Vanya. ‘I asked Jason if we could pick you up on the way, but there wasn’t space.’
‘With the extra weight, we might not have got off the ground,’ smiled Jason.
Charming. We stood there in silence for a few moments.
‘Did you want to ask me something, Roman?’ asked Vanya.
Helicopter rides. New words. The whole room felt like it was spinning. I heard myself say, ‘I think I need to sit down.’
A Boost
So there I was. On my own. The better 50 per cent of my friends was turning into Jason Grooves. The other 50 per cent was visiting a school for naughty kids and I might never see him again after this week.
This was not grunk at all. Or broof. Or snife. Or even good.
I needed a boost.
And, amazingly, for the first time in ages, I got exactly what I wanted.
After Mrs McDonald had done the register, she asked me to take it back to the office. And it was when I got there that something truly magical happened.
There was nobody there, so I put the register down on the desk. Then I saw it: just a simple piece of paper with a few simple words on it. Even now, I can barely write it down because it makes a little tear of happiness come to my eye. It was a menu. A beautiful, gorgeous menu. It read:
YEAR SIX RANDOM MENU WEEK
WEDNESDAY
MAIN
SAUSAGE, BAKED BEAN, CHEESE AND JAM
DOUGHNUT
DESSERT
JAM DOUGHNUT
My menu suggestion had been chosen! We were going to have DOUBLE DOUGHNUT for lunch.
‘Sweet, succulent doughnuts,’ I whispered.
The cook must’ve left it there for the lady who works in the office. For a moment I did nothing. I’m so used to things going badly for me that I didn’t know how to react.
But then a tingly, fuzzy feeling of happiness and excitement built up in my stomach. It spread across my chest and tummy and down through my arms and legs.
‘YAHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!’ I screamed.
‘Is everything all right?’ asked the office lady, as she came back in through the door.
‘You betcha, sweet cheeks!’ I cried.
She looked at me like I was completely nuts, but I didn’t care. I danced – yes danced – out of the office and back towards the classroom.
Double doughnut for school lunch!
All those years of crummy, awful lunches. All those terrible things that had happened to me. All the rubbish with Jason and Vanya and Gamble and the TV show and the prom this week. None of it mattered now.
I clicked my heels and skipped across the library. I cartwheeled down the corridor. I even played the bongos on a Foundation Stage kid’s head as I walked past her.
This was amazing. The greatest thing that’d ever happened to anyone ever. I felt alive. I felt powerful. I’d asked for the double doughnut and now I was going to get it. Nothing could stop me. I’d bounce right into that classroom. Ha ha! I’d even kiss Mrs McDonald on the lips.
And then, I thought, then I’d ask Vanya to come to the prom with me, and she would say yes and Jason Grooves could just go and eat his own pants because I had the power of the double doughnut and I could do ANYTHING!
I flung open the classroom door, ready to conquer the world.
Which is exactly when it all started to go wrong again.
Remember. This is my life we’re talking about, after all.
A Change of Plans
Since I’d been out of the classroom, Trevor had appeared. He was standing at the front, with a laptop under his arm, face to face with Mrs McDonald. She was looking really angry with him for some reason.
‘But you can’t just keep changing everything,’ she said, banging her hand against the table. ‘First the prom. Now all of this.’
Trevor rolled his eyes. ‘Look. I’m not saying we can’t have the rounders match. Just not today, that’s all.’
‘But why?’ said Mrs McDonald. Normally teachers don’t have arguments in front of kids, but she was really fuming. It made me feel a bit uneasy. My warm fuzzy feeling was rapidly seeping away. ‘The children have been looking forward to it.’
‘Because I told you,’ he replied. ‘Rules two and six of a great TV series: keep it exciting and build up to the finale. It’ll be better tomorrow afternoon. And we can do the leavers’ assembly tomorrow morning.’
Mrs McDonald put her hands on her hips. ‘And how are we supposed to prepare for the leavers’ assembly if it’s tomorrow? It’s meant to be on Friday. We were going to practise all day tomorrow.’
Trevor waved his hand at her. ‘Don’t worry about practising. Jason’s going to sing.’
Everyone went yessssssss.
Jason Grooves drabbed the class. ‘JG is ripped and ready for action.’
For a moment, Mrs McDonald looked around, gasping for breath. ‘I’ll let him do one song and that’s it. But you still haven’t said why you’re changing everything.’
Trevor sighed. ‘Because we’re giving the school money, so you need to do as I say. Got it?’
Mrs McDonald stood there with her mouth hanging open. The whole class went ooooohhh.
‘Right,’ continued Trevor, turning to face the class, ‘who wants to watch the first episode of this TV show you’ve all been starring in?’
Everyone cheered.
Apart from me, that is. I was looking at Mrs McDonald. Her face was red, and tears were welling up in the corners of her eyes. I felt really sorry for her. At the start of the week she’d been so excited by the TV show. But now Trevor was trampling all over her like an evil goose.
Trevor didn’t seem to care how nasty he was being. He whistled happily as he plugged his laptop into the interactive whiteboard. Someone turned out the lights. The following words appeared on the screen:
Jason: Grooving On as Normal
Episode One
Preview
Then my life suddenly got a lot, lot worse.
Grooving On as Normal – Episode One
I won’t describe everything that happened in the ten minutes of the TV show that we watched. I’ve already written about a lot of it. But I will tell you about how it had all been put together.
Almost everything had been fiddled around with to make Jason Grooves seem good. Like when he rescued Miss Clegg from the pool: it looked way more dramatic than it actually was. It was all in slow motion, with crashing music in the background and lots of close-ups of Jason looking brave. Then when Jason sang to Gamble, there was a long scene of everyone applauding and cheering and drabbing afterwards, even though that didn’t really happen in real life. And after every scene, Jason would appear onscreen to say things like: ‘I wouldn’t call myself a hero – just an ordinary kid who happened to save a gigantic woman’s life,’ or ‘I’m so glad my fans love my music as much as I love my fans.’
Yuck.
But these weren’t the worst things about the TV show.
Basically, apart from the occasional scene with the whole class in it, there were only three people in the whole episode.
The first two were Jason and Vanya.
Whenever Jason did something, the camera would cut to Vanya smiling, or looking impressed, even if she hadn’t reacted like that at the time at all.
But the worst thing was that the third main person in the TV show was me.
Me.
Roman J. Garstang.
At first I couldn’t figure out why I was getting so much screen time. I’m not exactly what you’d call interesting. There are bits of old carpet that are more exciting than me. Sometimes I even make myself feel bored. Why did they keep showing me on there?
It was only after a while that I started to realise.
And when I did, I felt my legs going weak and wobbly. A horrible, gurgling feeling grew in my stomach, and I had to grip the back of a chair to stop myself from falling over.
I was the villain.
This was terrible.
Every time I appeared, there’d be this creepy music, like when an evil doll comes to life in a horror film. And it only ever showed me looking jealous, or angry, or fed up. It was like the TV show was trying to make me out to be a monster.
There was one point when Jason said to the camera: ‘I don’t know why that kid Roman is trying so hard to be horrible. I forgave him for how he ruined the final of BRT for me. I just want to be his friend.’ Then he kind of burst into tears, like I’d really upset him.
Even worse, they kept showing bits of the interview I did with Trevor yesterday. But they’d totally mucked about with it.
Remember, he asked me a load of silly questions to get me warmed up, then, afterwards, he’d asked all the proper ones? Well, on the TV show, they’d mixed up my answers to the questions, so it made it sound like I was a really nasty person. It went like this:
Question
What I actually said in real life
What I said on the TV show (taken from my answer to a different question)
Do you like Jason?
Yeah. He’s all right.
Urgh. Gross. Stinks of wee.
Do you want Jason to be successful and famous?
That’d be good, I guess.
I’d rather eat slug brains. Imagine having to look at that giant fish head every day. Gross.
How does it make you feel when Jason sings?
Dunno. He’s really good.
Makes me feel like Kevin Vomasaurus Retch Harrison riding on a roller coaster while trying to eat a yoghurt.
How would you feel if someone went to the prom with your best friend?
Er … what? Sorry. I don’t understand the question.
That cute little rodent belongs to me, you massive ugly spud. Now hand her over or I’ll turn you into chips.
Luckily, Rosie Taylor came to the rescue. And trust me, that’s not a sentence I ever thought I would write.
After about ten minutes of the TV show, she stormed out of her place and ripped the cable out of the back of the laptop. The screen went blank and she stood there, hands on hips, veins throbbing in her forehead, glaring at Trevor.
‘Why is that turd-tastic little mutant getting so much time in front of the camera?’ she snarled, jabbing a finger towards me. ‘I thought this was a show about me and Jason falling in love with each other, not a documentary about the ugliest freaks in the universe. Hashtag: my eyes are burning.’
‘W-well,’ Trevor spluttered, backing away. He’d never seen a full-blown toddler tantrum from Rosie before. The rest of us weren’t quite so scared – we’d seen loads
of them. Like that time when Mrs McDonald asked Rosie to work with me and she screamed so loudly that the class goldfish died in its tank.
‘Don’t w-w-well me,’ snarled Rosie. ‘Sort. It. Out!’
Then she flounced out of the room dramatically, pausing at the door to shout at Jason, ‘You’ll be my boyfriend, whether you like it or not.’
I’m not sure that’s how it works … I thought
Somebody switched the lights on. Everybody looked at Jason, then at Vanya, then at me, then at the doorway that Rosie had just stormed out of. Nobody dared to speak.
‘Maybe we should do some colouring in …?’ suggested Mrs McDonald, after what seemed like ages.
‘I’ve got somewhere to be,’ said Trevor, heading for the door. ‘Jason. Five to twelve. Got it?’
Jason clicked his fingers and pointed at him. ‘Got it.’
I walked over towards Vanya’s table. ‘Hey,’ I said, ‘I don’t know what happ–’
‘Get lost, Roman!’ she snapped, spinning round to face me.
‘But … but …’ I said.
I’d never seen Vanya this angry before. Her face was all crumpled up with frown lines. ‘How could you say those things about Jason? And me as well?’
‘It’s the way they changed it …’ I said, but my voice came out as a pathetic whine.
‘Oh, don’t give me that,’ she tutted. ‘Cute little rodent, am I? Belong to you, do I? Turn Jason into chips, will you? Well, here’s some news for you. You can find yourself a new friend. And to think I was going to ask you to go to the prom with me. You’re just a …’
At that point, she covered her eyes with her hand and started crying.
I felt awful.
But then something happened that made me feel even worse.
Jason put his arm around her. His arm. Around her. ‘I think you should leave her alone,’ he said to me, as the camerawoman filmed from across the room. Then he whispered into Vanya’s ear, ‘Don’t worry. I’ve got something at lunchtime that’ll cheer you up.’