Pulling the Trooth
A Summer Schauers Mystery
Robert P. Wills
2018
Any similarities with persons living or dead, or even fictionalized is unintentional.
Except for certain dentists. They know who they are. Also, I am aware that the Tucson convention center doesn’t look like I describe it. I used to be stationed at Fort Huachuca and enjoyed my visits to Tucson, so I wanted it in my story.
No animals were harmed in the writing of this book.
One Belgian Malinois was fed corn chips and hot dogs
but only because she is really good at sad, puppy eyes.
ONE
“Schauers!” Eddie yelled from his office. “Schauers!”
Summer looked up from her keyboard. “Quit shouting, Eddie!”
“It’s ten and we’re putting…”
“The late edition to bed at ten thirty,” Summer finished for Eddie, the editor in chief of the Tucson Herald Opinion. “Same as yesterday and the day before.” She cocked her head to the side. “And the day before that. Hey; there’s a pattern forming.”
Eddie moved to the doorway of his glass-enclosed office. “Well it’s after ten and we’re all waiting on you.” He smiled. “Same as yesterday and the day before.” He fought to keep a smile from his face -now he cocked his head to the side. “And the day before that. Look at that; there’s another pattern forming.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Summer finished the last sentence of her story, saved it and dragged it to the drop box folder on her desktop. “It’s dropped; cool your jets, Eddie.”
“And now it needs proofed.” Eddie stalked to her desk. “Proofing, Schauers. And with you, that takes time.”
“It’s camera ready. As usual.” Summer assured him.
The large man inhaled deeply through his nose.
“Puffing up?” Summer stifled a giggle.
“You need to take these stories seriously, Schauers. Seriously.” He said as he approached her desk. “You’re going to give me grey hair.”
Summer waved a hand dismissively. “Yeah, because another restaurant opening in this sprawling city is big news. It won’t last a year. Most restaurants don’t.”
“That’s a myth.” Eddie pointed a finger at her. “I hope you didn’t tell the owner that.”
“I tried my best to avoid Mister Groper.”
“His name is Groper?” Eddie smiled wide. “Really?”
“No; his name is Hampton; groper seemed to be more of a hobby with him.” She said sourly.
“Well, you are in the market…”
Maxine, one of the paper’s photographers and Summer’s good friend walked over. “I don’t think Missus Hampton would have been too keen on that sort of addition to their family.”
“Summer Homewrecker Schauers, now there’s a middle name. You should be ashamed of yourself,” he tut-tutted.
“Homewrecker?” Summer stood quickly. “How about I show you why my middle name should be jab?” She bounced on the balls of her feet in front of him, throwing several quick jabs.
Eddie brought his hands up defensively. “You know I’m joking, Summer.” He put his hand on her shoulder and pulled her to his side, hugging her close. “If that guy made you uncomfortable, you just say the word and I’ll make sure his place doesn’t even make it a month, much less a year,” he said seriously. “Yeah?”
Summer patted the man’s hand. “No, Eddie, it’s fine.” She smiled up at him- as a former college football linebacker, he towered over her. He had used his athletic full-ride scholarship to get a degree in Journalism, which when he didn’t make it into the NFL, turned into a very good career.
Eddie scowled. “You sure? No one, but no one gives my reporters a hard time but me.”
“Is that like the whole ‘no one beats up my little sister but me’ thing?” Maxine asked.
“Exactly.” Eddie said. He let go of Summer and turned to face her. “Seriously; just let me know if you want me to go talk to him.” He rubbed his meaty hands together. “I’ll show him how I used to block.”
Summer smiled. “It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, but thanks.” She put her hands in her back pockets. “So what’s next? Is there a Taco Tico opening up?”
“I love those places.” Maxine said. “We’d finally get some real Mexican food around here.”
“I believe you have offended pretty much every restaurant owner in Tucson.”
“Not the Italian restaurants,” Summer pointed out.
“Gads.” Eddie started toward his computer. “Go redeem yourselves while I’m editing your piece...” He raised an eyebrow. “Looking for words that aren’t real. Head out to the convention center. You’re going to love your next assignment.”
“Really?” Summer brightened.
“Nope. You’re already a day late for it, in fact.” Eddie jerked a thumb at Maxine. “Take Miss Michelin Stars with you.” He pointed at Summer. “Miss Summer Schauers.”
“Schauers and Stars; when you say it like that, we sound like a great team.” Maxine said.
Eddie turned to her and opened his mouth to speak.
“Careful what you say next, boss.”
Eddie closed his mouth, pursing his lips. “Hmmm.” Was all he let come out.
“Uh huh.” Maxine nodded at him. “That’s better.”
“Off with you two,” Eddie said as he shoo’ed them with his hands. “If you make it back before eight, you can make the morning edition.”
“Come on, Maxie, let’s go see who’s who in the zoo.” Summer said.
“Convention center,” corrected Maxine.
“It’s probably the same thing.” Summer said sourly.
TWO
Summer pivoted around in her seat, her well-worn cowboy boots dangling over two feet off the ground. “This is absurd.”
“You mean having to jump to get out of your Jeep?” Maxine said. As she jumped to the ground. She turned and grabbed her camera bag from the floorboard. It was practically waist-high to her. “Why you have this thing jacked up is beyond me.”
Summer stood on the doorsill of her Jeep, using the grab-bar by the windshield for balance. “It just has to be this high, Maxie.” She stepped down both casually and gracefully.
Maxine walked around the front of the snow white Jeep Wrangler, stepping farther out because of the massive bumper and winch on the front. They were also white. “Why does it have to be so high you almost need a ladder to get in it?”
Summer gestured at a tire- it was over waist high to her. “If it weren’t this high, I couldn’t have these monster tires on it, of course.”
“Well, that makes perfect sense.” Maxine slung her camera back over her shoulder. “So, what’s absurd?”
“This.” Summer held her hands up in front of her, gesturing at the sprawling convention center. “This thing here. This whole convention thing that I’m supposed to cover.”
“Conventions need covering too, Summer.” Maxine pointed out. She let out a long sigh. “Well, we might as well get walking.”
“We aren’t that far out.”
“It’s like a mile away.” Maxine pointed. They were near the back of the parking lot, well over two hundred yards away from the entrance. “There are closer spaces. Dozens of them.”
Summer gestured at the two Wranglers she had parked next to. “Rules are rules. Jeeps off-road together, Jeeps park together.” She patted her Jeep’s hood, right on the large sticker of a cartoonish abominable snowman. “Play nice with your new friends, Miss Bumble. I know you’re worried being around all these dentists but it will be okay.”
“You worry me sometimes.”
Summer pointed at the building. “Me? This should worry you. A dentist conve
ntion?” Summer dropped her hands to her sides. “Dentists conventioning right here in Tucson.”
“I think it’s convening.” Maxine stepped quickly to catch up. “I’m pretty sure Eddie would not approve of ‘conventioning’.”
“You sure?”
“And the people who go to it are registrants or participants.”
“I’m sticking with conventioneers. Eddie can do his editations when I get back.”
“Now you’re just doing it on purpose.”
Summer smiled. “Maybe just a little.”
“You’re supposed to be on your best behavior, remember? Especially after that fiasco at the restaurant opening. You’re lucky that police officer kept quiet and Eddie didn’t find out.”
Summer thought back. “That police officer was very understanding.” She cocked her head to the side, “And he handled me professionally. Twice, I might add.”
“I think the phrase is ‘handled the situation professionally’.”
“Yeah, he did that too. He was a full service police officer.”
“Still,” Maxine said. “Let’s get a couple of nice quiet assignments knocked out before things go off the rails again.”
“I write them like I see them.”
“If you say so. I’ll just take the photos.” She glanced at her friend. “Of the conventionistas.”
“Oooh, nice. I might use that.”
The two women walked up to the main entrance of the Tucson convention center. There was a large banner welcoming dentists and their assistants across the entryway. There were also two eight-foot molars on either side.
“Absurd.” Summer said again.
“Are you going to button another button around these respectable dentists and assistants from across the country?”
“Nope.”
“Then here we go.” Maxine fished a camera out of her pack as the pair walked into the center.
“Hello ladies!” A man just inside the entranceway said. “Welcome to the fifth annual meeting of dental professionals.” He quickly approached the pair. “And where are you lovely ladies from?”
Summer held out her hand. “The Tucson Herald Opinion.” With her other hand, she pulled a press pass from her khakis. “All the news that fits, we print.”
“Nice. Very nice.” The man beamed as he shook her hand. “I was hoping you’d have gotten here for the grand opening yesterday, but better late than never. My name’s Ben Klugman, but everyone calls me Quincy.” He let go of Summer’s hand and shook Maxine’s. “Pleased to meet you.”
“Quincy?” Summers said.
“Sure. Because my name is Klugman.”
“I have enough trouble with ‘Dick’ being short for ‘Richard’. How do you get ‘Quincy’ from ‘Klugman’?” Summer asked.
The man’s smile faltered. “Well, you know... Quincy.”
“Quincy who?”
The man’s smile faded away. “Jack Klugman played a TV character named Quincy.”
“Oh, so you’re related?”
“No.”
“I don’t get it.” Summer lied. Just for the fun of it.
Maxine gave a wink. “It’s very clever, Quincy.”
The man’s smile returned. “Thanks!” He turned and pointed. “Since you missed yesterday’s orientation, there are two symposiums going on downstairs in rooms ‘A’ and ‘D’. Benefits of bartering, and the great whitening upsell. And upstairs...” He rubbed his hands together. “Oh, you’re in for a treat. The extraction competition is scheduled to start in an hour. You don’t want to miss that!”
“Extraction. Competition.” Summer fished a digital recorder from the satchel at her hip. “Did you hear that? An actual competition dealing with pulling teeth.”
“Sounds exciting?” Maxine offered.
When Summer looked back at Quincy he was staring at her ample cleavage. He quickly looked up. “Oh, it is; I suggest you don’t miss it.” He waggled a finger at her. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“I can’t imagine a universe where I would ever say that.” Summer said. “Maybe we’ll pop in early and talk to the… contestants?… Before it starts.” She looked over again. “Sounds good Maxie?”
“Sure thing.” Maxine held up her camera. “Say molar.”
“Molar,” Quincy said dutifully.
Maxine snapped several pictures of the man. “Nice.”
Summer looked at her friend. “You going to be like this all weekend?”
“Oh yeah. Count on it.”
When Summer looked back at Quincy, he was staring at her breasts again.
Summer had left the top three buttons of her camp shirt unbuttoned. Since it was tucked into her khakis, the shirt tended to flop open at the top. Her underwire, push up bra did the rest.
“See you, Quincy.” Summer grabbed Maxine by the strap of her camera bag and pulled her away.
Maxine giggled. “Summer Klugman. How’s that sound?”
“That man’s not even in the running,” Summer said flatly.
“So why are you not going to button one of those buttons?”
“One never knows when one may come across a handsome, successful, bachelor dentist.” She smirked. “This place should be... lousy with them.”
“Nicely done.” Maxine said. “One with a nice last name, if my memory serves me.”
“Oh yes. It definitely does.”
Summer had gone through the past twenty-eight years of her life with a good bit of teasing because of her name. Thanks to having hippie parents, she had been named Summer. Which, in and of itself was bad enough, however her flower-child Serbian mother -Tammy Dordjevic- had married her free-spirit father Todd and taken his very-German family name: Schauers. For the woman formerly named Dordjevic, it was definitely a step up. For their youngest daughter Summer, it was not. This was also unfortunately true for her older sisters April and May. Since graduating college, she had been in the market for an at least moderately good-looking man with a fairly successful job and a definitely non-atmospheric last name.
Maxine stepped onto the escalator and turned around. “What’s the game plan?”
“To get out of here as quickly as possible. Hopefully before happy hour ends.” Summer deadpanned.
Maxine put her hands on her hips.
“Fine.” Summer exhaled loudly. “How about we find a good human interest story? Orphan overcomes odds, becomes dentist.”
“Nice.”
“Or dentist overcomingly odd; extracts orphan’s teeth.”
Maxine laughed. “Not as heartwarming but the pictures would be more interesting.” She turned around as she neared the top. “I have to say this is better than covering the entertainment section. I’ll bet lunch will be provided.”
“That would be nice.” Summer followed her friend off the escalator. “Let’s go see why anyone would come to a tooth pulling competition.”
The pair walked into the large conference hall- there were hundreds of chairs set up in front of a large stage with a curtain running across it.
“That’s a hell of a lot of chairs,” Maxine said.
“Well, there’s all sorts of things going on this weekend so they probably set up all the chairs for the first event so that way they don’t have to go back and add more later to save time.”
“Yeah; that makes sense.”
When they got to the stage, they walked up a set of stairs set up off to the side onto it.
Summer spun around on the large stage to face where the audience would be. “Welcome to the show!” Summer said as she raised her hands up. “We’re here to rock you, Tucson!”
She received scattered applause from the dozen or so people already sitting.
“Nice.” Maxine said. She pointed at the curtain. “Let’s see if anyone is here yet.”
THREE
Maxine took a yet another photo- this one of the third person sitting in the dental chair.
“And you’re here because?” Summer began. She had spoken to the first two
contestants- both were homeless men who were going to receive implants in a demonstration the following day. This man was well dressed and groomed- he could have easily been working in the business office of the convention center before coming down to sit in the chair.
“I’m getting a tooth pulled, of course.”
“Well sure.” Summer nodded at the man. “But why are you having it done here at a convention instead of at your regular dentist office?”
The man startled. “Oh, this is my regular dentist, of course.”
“What?”
“Doctor Brushwood is my dentist.” The man gestured to a side door where ostensibly the dentists were waiting.
“Well, that’s convenient,” Summer said, “that your dentist is from right here Tucson.”
“He’s from Des Moines. Just like me.”
“I don’t understand... wait, are you telling me you flew down here so you could have your tooth pulled at the convention?”
The man nodded. “Yup.”
“That seems kind of expensive.”
“Doctor Brushwood flew me down with him. Put me up at the Ritz. I’m checking in this afternoon, in fact.”
“The Ritz?” Summer looked at Maxine for help, who only shrugged in response. “Why would he do that? Does he have something against homeless people?”
“He said I’ve got easy teeth.” The man winked. “And I’m not a bleeder.”
“So you’re...”
“A ringer.” The man said with a smile. “I’m getting a filling tomorrow in that competition. Won’t even need Novocain for it.”
“Take his picture, Maxie.” Summer moved beside the man, kneeled down and smiled toward her friend.
Maxine held her camera up to her face. “Say periodontal disease!” Then took the photo.
“Oh boy.” Summer said instead.
“So... are you single?” Maxine asked with a wry smile, “Mister Volker?”
“What?” The man blushed. “No, not me.” He held up his hands defensively, “And I know the kinds of things that happen at these conventions and I’m definitely not interested, sorry.”
Pulling the Trooth Page 1