Or she could tell the truth and face the consequences of what she’d been doing behind their backs. In a way, that option felt like a relief. She’d never been particularly good at subterfuge.
She folded her arms and straightened her back. “Fine. You’ve caught me.” Both her sisters and she ducked her head. “How did you find out? Did someone see me there? Did the driver report my activities even though he was paid so very handsomely to look the other way?”
Anne shifted now, as if she were uncomfortable with the answer. Thomasina’s cheeks were bright with color.
“How do you know?” Juliana repeated.
“Ellis told Rook,” Anne said at last.
It was as if the floor beneath Juliana had opened up and now she was falling. Falling forever as humiliation brought fire to her cheeks and tears to her eyes. Of all the answers to her question, that Ellis had betrayed her was the last one she’d expected.
Yes, he had been trying to stop her from entering his life and his world. Yes, he’d had her banned from the Donville Masquerade. But this was different.
By telling her family, he’d had to have known what it would do to her. By telling her family, he was not only embarrassing her but opening up a world of consequences that would truly separate them.
“Breathe,” Thomasina said softly. She reached out and took Juliana’s cold hand between her warm ones and squeezed gently. “And please, please talk to us.”
Juliana shut her eyes as she leaned against the chair back with a long sigh. Her time was up. Confession was the only way.
“You must understand that my entire life has changed in the past few months,” she began. “I realize your lives have also been altered, but in good ways. You’ve both found love, and of course, I am deliriously happy for you. But it’s not the same for me.”
“Because…” Thomasina trailed off and touched her own cheek at the place where Juliana’s scar would be.
Juliana shook her head. “No. Well, yes, but not just that. My identity is gone. I’ve always been the sister who fixed things for you. The one who could be depended on. And now you have husbands to share your troubles with. Even if I’m pleased for you both, it is a change that happened so swiftly and unexpectedly that I felt…washed away on the tide of it.”
Anne’s expression softened and she took Juliana’s other hand. “Oh, love. I knew you felt left out, but I didn’t know you had gotten so low.”
“I’m on the outside looking in now,” Juliana said. “But I have also lost my future, not just my place. I’ve spent my life under the assumption that Father would match each of us. If I were lucky, it would be to a man I could like…perhaps even love.”
“You still could—” Thomasina began.
Juliana cut her off with an arched brow. “He’s said a dozen times that now I’ll just be his spinster secretary. That I’m so damaged both physically and by scandal that he won’t even consider sending me out on the marriage mart anymore.”
Anne rushed to her feet with a growl of displeasure. “Damn him. He is the most selfish person. I swear, if Harcourt does not arrange your coming to stay with us, I will take care of it myself and Father will like my solution less.”
“Are you planning to kidnap me?” Juliana said, unable to help her smile at Anne’s frustrated desire to go to war for her. It did help to know she still mattered.
Anne pivoted to spear her with a meaningful glance. “If I must. I’m sure Rook would help.”
“Anne, we must focus now. We can kidnap later,” Thomasina said gently. “We understand your feelings, Juliana. But how did that end you in the Donville Masquerade?”
“I saw you both so happy. Heard your whispers about pleasure, thought of that book of Father’s with all the naughty pictures.” Juliana sighed. “If I were going to be saddled the rest of my life planning Father’s dinner parties, I just decided I wanted something for myself first. Just one little thing.”
“You wished to surrender your virginity,” Thomasina breathed.
Anne ducked her head and color flooded her cheeks. “I-I understand that. I had something of the same desire in Scotland after I realized I had ruined my own future. But Ellis, Juliana? How in the world did you align yourself with a man like that?”
Juliana’s hackles rose at the dismissive attitude of the question. She understood it after Anne’s shared history with Ellis, but she still sought to defend him.
Even though he had betrayed her. She was a fool, she supposed.
“I know you have good reasons to dislike him, after what he did. After what you…you shared.”
Anne threw up her hands. “We shared very little. I know I was not his true prize, and in the end what I thought I felt for him was more a terror at marrying someone I didn’t love. He led me to Rook, so I have to…forgive him on some level. But he is a villain.”
“He’s more than that,” Juliana insisted, and frowned as her sisters exchanged a meaningful look. “I was frightened at the very idea of him for so long. But when I met him that terrible day I was taken, I was shocked at how much a man he was. Just a man, not a monster, handsome and funny and flawed. He had me in his arms at once point and it was…comforting. He looked into my eyes and suddenly much more about that book made sense to me.”
Anne’s eyes went wide. “Juliana.”
“I hated myself for it, of course,” Juliana gasped, getting up and pacing away. “I hated myself for feeling attracted to a man who had caused so much pain to those I loved. I hated him for doing those irresponsible things that destroyed so much. But the body and the heart…”
Thomasina nodded. “They want what they want,” she finished.
“Yes,” Juliana said. “I went to the Donville Masquerade, hoping to purge those wants. I never expected it would be him who approached me.”
“What did you do?” Thomasina asked.
Now it was Juliana’s turn to blush. She wasn’t so bold as Anne, so saying these things out loud felt very difficult. Especially about a man her family hated, no matter how passionately she defended him.
Anne stared at her for what felt like a long time as Juliana struggled. Then she crossed the room and slid an arm around her. “It will help to say it. You won’t be judged.”
“He…” Juliana caught her breath. “He did things with his mouth.”
“Oh,” Anne and Thomasina said with secret little smiles that let Juliana know she was not alone in what she had experienced.
“Yes, oh. And it was…amazing. Far better than anything I’d ever hoped or dreamed about.” She sighed. “But he wouldn’t do anything else. He never took me, no matter how I cajoled or begged like a fool.”
Thomasina tilted her head. “Was he…trying to protect you?” she asked, voice filled with incredulity.
“That’s what I tell myself to feel better,” Juliana whispered. “Only now I…I must doubt it. After all, he went to Rook. He crowed about his conquest. He made sure you all knew about it because he knows I’ll be stopped from pursuing him further. He…he truly doesn’t want me.”
When she said the words out loud, it was like someone had dug a pit in her stomach. One that rolled and burned. Heat filled her cheeks, and she backed away from her sisters so she wouldn’t feel the full weight of their pity. It was quiet in the room for a moment, with only the tick of the clock to ripple through her mind.
“I could not be a judge of what that man wants,” Anne finally said softly. “Not a fair one at any rate. But I do know what I want. Harcourt and Rook are convincing Father that you should stay with us, at least for a few weeks. Please come.”
Juliana looked from one sister to the next and slowly folded her arms. “I assume this is to give you the ability to lock me in a tower. Keep me from being more of a fool than I’ve already been.”
Thomasina crossed to her. “No,” she said, reaching up to touch Juliana’s unscarred cheek. “It’s so we can be together. We can protect each other.”
Juliana bent her head. She wanted to
believe she didn’t need protection. That she could make her own decisions. But Ellis had turned her in to her family as if he were the guard with a reticent child. It was as clear a message as one could receive.
And with that rejection, she could see she had been reckless. She had endangered herself. So maybe she needed the governing her family would require. At least she would be with her sisters, where she wouldn’t be crowded or judged as her father did to her.
“Father isn’t going to know about the Masquerade or about Ellis, is he?” she gasped.
“No!” her sisters said together with just as much horror.
“God, we wouldn’t do that to you,” Thomasina insisted, a hand to her heart as if that were the worst accusation in the world.
Juliana flinched. Her sisters wouldn’t do that. Of course they wouldn’t. But Ellis had. He’d said what he said, not caring what it caused for her. He only wanted the result: that she would be gone from his life. A nuisance taken care of with a few well-placed words.
“Very well,” she whispered, her shoulders rolling forward as she conceded defeat. “I’ll go if he allows it. I’ll…I’ll do whatever you like.”
Anne stepped forward and her concern was plain on her face. “Juliana, if you—”
She held up a hand and forced a smile. “I should put together some things. Why don’t you and Thomasina go down and make sure things have gone smoothly with Father and your husbands?”
She could see they wanted to argue, but they didn’t. They simply moved to the chamber door.
As they exited, Thomasina turned back and met her gaze. “Despite all the chaos caused by Ellis Maitland for our family, I only hate that man for one thing,” she said, her normally sweet and calm voice filled with tension. “And that is making you look as defeated as you do now. For that, I shall never forgive him.”
She pivoted then and left Juliana to her packing. But as she rang for Mary, what she thought of instead was how in the world she could go back to what she had been before Ellis had touched her. And if she couldn’t, who she would be now.
Chapter 14
If her sisters had vowed her time at Harcourt’s estate was not to be a prison, three days in their company had led Juliana to believe it was at least a variation on the theme.
Oh, everyone was very kind. They were gentle with her, almost to the point of treating her like glass. But she was hardly ever left alone. Walks in the garden were with one sister or the other. Or both. She’d played so many games of whist, she thought she had caused herself a wrist injury. Rook danced around the subject of his cousin. Harcourt spoke loudly of anything but Ellis or Winston Leonard and smiled at her until she feared his cheeks would crack.
And when she entered a room that was already occupied? Conversation almost always ended abruptly as she was met with false smiles and boisterous welcomes.
She thought she might go mad with it all. And mad with the thoughts of Ellis that haunted her at night. She relived their final conversation over and over, their last kiss. She relived the moment when she realized he had told on her.
She clenched her fists at her sides as she exited her chamber and walked down the hall toward the stairs. She was so torn in her emotions toward Ellis. Hate and desire. Frustration and longing.
How a man could be so many things at once was truly unfair. And so was the fact that she couldn’t get him out of her mind no matter how hard she tried.
She walked down the staircase and into the parlor, where she found her sisters and their husbands breaking their fast together. As usual, their conversation stopped as she entered the room.
“Juliana,” Harcourt said with a falsely bright smile that did not reach his worried eyes. “You look lovely in that shade of green.”
“As does your wife,” Juliana said as she moved to the sideboard and pursued the selection of breakfast delicacies. “And Anne.”
She glanced at the couples at the table. Perhaps the time had come to simply be direct. As difficult as that prospect was considering she’d always tried to be the peacekeeper.
She sucked in a long, shaky breath and said, “I appreciate all your loving support, but can we please stop pretending that everything is normal.”
Anne frowned and exchanged a look with Rook. The connection she had once shared exclusively with her sisters was now one she shared with her husband. In fact, it was even more powerful. Juliana gaped at what she couldn’t ignore. And flinched at the jealousy it engendered in her. She didn’t want to feel this way about Thomasina and Anne.
She stepped away from the sideboard and faced her family. “I would like to take a walk.” Both her sisters scrambled to their feet, but Juliana held up a hand. “Oh please, please don’t.”
Thomasina cocked her head. “Don’t what?”
Juliana let out a long sigh. She motioned her sisters back to their seats and took her own with a thud. “I adore you all for wanting to make things easier for me. I truly do. Harcourt, your home has been a refuge for me from my father, and I know that was a hard-won battle to allow it even for a short time. But I am stifled by all your attempts to protect me and convince me that everything is fine and normal.”
Anne and Thomasina exchanged a look, and then Anne surprised her by slowly nodding. “I can…understand that,” she said. “I suppose we have been a bit overly effusive. But you know, neither of us has ever been as good as you are at putting others at ease. At fixing broken wings.”
Juliana smiled at the statement. “I love that you want to. But…but perhaps some wounds just need to heal on their own. And we can’t pretend them away.”
Harcourt reached out and briefly covered her hand with his, surprising her by squeezing gently. “I have sometimes felt the same. I apologize for my part.”
“As do I,” Rook added. “So what would you like to do?”
Juliana considered the question for a moment. Then she said, “I’d like to take a walk in the park. I need some air and a little time alone. Obviously I’ll have Mary with me.”
Harcourt’s lips thinned. “And a guard.”
Juliana stared at him. “You—you think that is necessary?”
Thomasina nodded. “We all know Winston Leonard is likely still somewhere in London.”
Juliana shuddered. “I suppose you are right. I doubt he would have an interest in me, for I have nothing to offer him. But I would not want to tempt that fate considering my last encounter with that monster.”
Anne swallowed hard. “We told you that you weren’t a prisoner here. I think we must follow through on that. Though when you return, I would very much like to have tea with you. Just us sisters. Just like old times.”
Juliana let her breath out in shaky relief. “Yes. I would love that.”
And she meant it. She wanted the normalcy that afternoon tea with her sisters would bring. And her walk would help her clear her mind to do her own part in that gathering. The rest of her family said their farewells as she slipped from the room.
It didn’t take long for her to speak to Mary, get ready and exit the home. A man from Harcourt’s household trailed behind them as they strolled down the street and into the park across the way.
It was not the biggest park in London, but it was a nice little escape from the busy roads and loud commotion of the street. Juliana began to relax as she and Mary strolled, talking quietly of the blooming flowers and the sunny day. She would have felt normal except for the quick glances of those they passed. They were greeted by many who were partaking in the beauty of the park, but she also felt eyes on her scar.
Felt the judgment that came with both her name and her face. A judgment she would face for the rest of her life now. The only place she hadn’t felt it lately was with Ellis. When she was with him, she felt…normal. Like herself, though it was a new self. She also felt as if she could take time to discover who that new self would be.
She shook her head to clear her thoughts of Ellis. He didn’t want her. Why did she keep forgetting that? She had to
accept it if she were to move on.
She and Mary rounded the corner of the path and she staggered to a stop. There, standing on the little bridge that crossed a small creek cutting through the park, was the Duke of Coningburgh, the father of Winston Leonard. He was standing on the bridge with his daughter, a young woman named Lydia who was just a few years younger than Juliana.
She stepped forward, hands shaking as she neared them. “L-Lady Lydia?”
The young woman jolted at her name being said and glanced around her father toward Juliana. Her gaze flickered over Juliana’s scar and then darted away. “Miss Juliana Shelley,” she said. “How lovely to see you.”
Juliana fought to keep her smile as Mary stepped away to give them privacy. Juliana’s entire life she had wished on so many stars that people might one day see her as separate from her sisters. That she might be identified on her own merit. Well, she had finally received that desire. Just not the way she had wished.
“And you,” she said with a slight curtsey for Lady Lydia and her father. “Good afternoon, Your Grace.”
The duke gave her a slight nod and his gaze lingered on her face a moment, as well. He seemed uncomfortable and cleared his throat slightly. “Miss Shelley. Many felicitations on the marriages of both your sisters,” he grunted. “Your father must be…er…pleased?”
She pursed her lips at the tone of the question that implied Thomasina and Anne had not made good marriages. Of course that would be the gossip considering all the circumstances, but she refused to participate in the speculation.
“We are all deliriously happy for them. It is not often there is not one, but two, love matches in a family, and so close together,” she said with a genuine smile.
Lady Lydia looked a bit wistful. “That is wonderful.”
Juliana shifted slightly, darting her gaze to the duke once again. “And how is your family? Are all three of your brothers in Town?”
Lydia’s cheeks paled a fraction and her smile fluttered as if it were an effort to hold it. “Yes, indeed. My eldest two are busy with their duties and the Season and—”
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