I felt nothing for a moment. I just stared up at her and took in the news.
He was okay. He was.
A surge of emotion bubbled up inside and I rolled over onto my face and cried into Tobi’s bedspread. My ribs pressed into the mattress with each sob, and I couldn’t help making little choking sounds as the tears dripped off my eyes and onto the cloth.
Tobi’s hand rested on my back and rubbed gently. She didn’t say anything, and neither did I.
He was all right. My little brother was all right.
*****
Jax met us back at the house when I drove Tobi over there still early in the morning, and as soon as we walked in the door, he grabbed me and held me close. I laid my head on his chest, feeling tired even though I had slept hard for hours.
When at last he let go of me he hugged Tobi, more tightly than I’d seen him do in awhile. I remembered what he’d told me—had it only been the night before last? It seemed like forever ago.
It had to be hard for him. Now that I knew that his dear, caring heart must be beating harder with longing, and yet he held her for a moment before letting go, because she needed it.
“You okay?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
We all just stood there for a moment. I swallowed.
Something was different.
Was it just what had happened with Patrick Charles, or was it Jax’s feelings? Could we somehow sense his turmoil even though not a hint of it showed on his face?
“I, uh, got out some cereal. Figured y’all might be hungry.” He gestured towards the kitchen.
“Thanks, Jax.” I forced my smile to be bigger than any happiness I felt. “I guess I can eat something.
I didn’t feel like eating, even though I was hungry. I hated when that happened—my stomach was both empty and a bit nauseated with emotion. But I had to eat.
Mom would say so, if she were there.
Chapter Ten
Tobi and I laid out on the trampoline again that night and watched the stars come out. First one, hard to notice in the pale blue sky. Then, as it grayed, one more, but you had to search to see it. Then another, and then two more, far away from the others. Then two more, and then three, and then perhaps five, then a cluster, and then it seemed that before we had time to notice they were all among us, twinkling up in the black void of space.
We didn’t talk much this time. We had gone to church that morning, just us and Jax, and I’d seen Dad when he’d come home and had dinner with us. Mom was staying with Patrick Charles until he was released, we’d been informed. Daddy himself was going back to the hospital tonight.
He’d asked if October would mind staying. She didn’t mind. So he left, then Jax left, and then it was just us.
I kept thinking about Patrick Charles. I used to play checkers with him, but it had been a long time. And when he was even littler, I’d push him in the swings at the park. Now I mostly just listened to him talk. All the time.
I thought about his voice. I thought about the way he jumped on me when the family watched a movie. I thought of the way his small hands felt on my neck when he hugged me.
Tobi also kept quiet, and after awhile I stole a long look at her. Her face looked fairer, a pale blue in the moonlight, and her hair looked almost purple. Like a fairy.
“What are you thinking about, Tobi?” I asked it quietly, almost in a whisper.
She kept her hands cupped behind her neck and just stared up at the stars for awhile. I wondered if she’d heard me, but before I could repeat the question, she opened her mouth and spoke just as softly. “I like to look for pictures in the stars, too.”
It didn’t seem to be an answer to my question, but I moved on. “What kinds of pictures?”
“All kinds.” She kept her face upward, and the lights reflected in her crystal green eyes, making little patches of shimmering glitter in them.
I caught my breath, glad, for Jax’s sake, that he wasn’t here now.
“Any kinds I can find,” she continued. “I look for pictures everywhere.”
“And do you find them?”
She was silent for a moment. Then, “Sometimes.”
We were quiet for a long while, then she spoke again. “Sometimes. But sometimes I look for things and don’t find them.”
I turned to her, feeling that little cloud pass over my heart again. Something in her tone was—strained. Or something. It wasn’t right.
She pointed up a little to the right. “See that? It’s a buggy.”
I looked, but couldn’t see it. I told her so.
She pulled her hand back under her neck. “Lots of times people don’t see what I see. Sometimes I see things that aren’t really there. Or think I do.”
The cloud thickened. “What do you mean?”
She still didn’t look at me. I wished I could see her eyes, even though I knew they would be impossible to read. “Sometimes... I think people mean what they don’t mean. A lot of times I think they don’t like me, for no tangible reason. I just—feel like they don’t. And don’t lecture me, little sis.”
I smiled up at the stars. At least she knew I’d lecture her in a minute for saying anything bad about herself. That was something.
“And sometimes...” she said, more slowly still, “sometimes I think that... people like me more than they really do.”
My body instantly felt a little colder.
“I mean, sometimes it looks that way,” she went on. “You know how something can look that way, and not really be true?”
“What do you mean?” I asked in the calmest of voices.
“Oh, you know how it can be. With boys, I mean. One can be so paranoid!” She laughed, but it wasn’t a real laugh.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I insisted.
“Well... I mean, people looking at us might think... that Jax liked me, you know?” Another fake chuckle.
“But Jax does like you,” I hasted to reassure. “We both do.”
“Oh, of course! I know. Well, you know what I mean.”
I did. But I didn’t like the beating around the bush, so I pretended I didn’t. “What?”
“Well, it doesn’t matter.” She still sounded strained, as though she were flustered but trying not to show it. “So do you know when Patrick Charles will be home?”
“Mom said probably day after tomorrow at the latest.” I refused to have the subject changed. “Would they be right, Tobi?”
“Right?” She finally turned to look at me, but her eyes were masked, as I’d expected.
“Would they be right. You said people might think things about you and Jax.”
She turned away from me and towards the stars again. “That’s a silly question.”
“Is it?” I felt stubborn. After all, she must be bringing all this up for a reason, and I was tired of wondering.
“Of course, silly. Jax is like my little brother.”
“Is he?”
“Em.” I could hear the frown in her voice. “Didn’t I just say he was?”
I fell silent, but sighed inside.
We kept looking at the stars.
Finally, I couldn’t help it. I asked, “Do you, Tobi?”
“Do I what?”
“Do you... like him.”
Again, she was quiet for a very long time. I didn’t repeat the question. I just lay still, listening to the crickets, and the breeze rustling through the leaves, trying to dispel the feelings of unrest in my stomach.
“Of course not,” she said at last. “I love him dearly—with all my heart, I really do. Just not that way. He’s my knight, but he’s not—he’s not my prince.”
Again, her voice defied further questioning, and again I persisted.
“Jax is a good guy...”
“I know he is!” This time her frustration wasn’t even veiled. “He’s the best, but that doesn’t mean I like him like that. He’s young and he’s... besides, I might not be good for him. Did you ever think of that?”
“I’m sorry, Tobi. It’s... not my business, I only wondered. I’ll stop now. Promise.” I reached over and put a hand on her shoulder.
She didn’t move, but she said, “It’s okay,” in a muffled voice.
I reached down and took her hand in mine and squeezed it. She squeezed back, and there was silence.
There was nothing more to be said. She didn’t like him—or even if she did, which I felt could be the case, she was completely unwilling to go down that road. Whether because of Jax himself or some other reason, I couldn’t tell. Regardless, it was enough for now that Jax was right. It wasn’t the season for anything more than friendship with her. Maybe down the road—who knew?
This hopeful thought didn’t dissuade my heart from the terrible knowledge that nothing could be the same after this. From now on, things between my two dearest friends in all the world would be strained. Awkward. And I couldn’t tell either of them what the other had told me in confidence, so there was no way for me to clear it up.
It was Jax’s fault. Why couldn’t he control his stupid heart? Why couldn’t we all just be friends forever?
I squeezed her hand again, and we kept looking up at the stars.
*****
When they finally brought Patrick Charles home, I was waiting eagerly on the porch steps, watching the minivan make its way down the long, winding driveway. I kept pinching my fingers, hardly able to wait.
The van parked in front of the garage and I watched as it settled and turned off. I stood up and forced myself to walk calmly towards it.
Mom stepped out of the front, shut the car door, and smiled at me. Then she pulled the side door open, and reached in to lift Patrick Charles by the armpits and pull him down onto the ground.
I looked at him, pale but otherwise the same as always, dark brown hair ruffled by the wind, little hazel eyes peering around the place.
“Patrick Charles!” I called, forgetting to be calm and making a rush for him. He turned towards me and grinned. I skidded to a stop in front of him and dropped to my knees, jarred by the collision with the ground, but not minding. I reached for him and he put his arms around my neck, pressing the little hands to my neck once again.
“Careful,” I heard Mom say as I wrapped my arms around his little body. “Don’t squeeze too tight. A little sore, isn’t it, sweetie?”
“It is,” he agreed, in his precious, high-pitched, boyish voice. “They had a big white room with a little black TV up in the corner of the ceiling, and I watched sports on it until I got bored and they had funny food but it was good, and there were lots of people there in white clothes. There were lots of flowers there, too, and I brought you some, can we get them out of the car, Mom? I got the yellow ones for you, since they didn’t have any teal, you like yellow, don’t you?”
I wanted to squeeze him tighter, but I pulled back a little and kissed him on the forehead instead, laughing. “I love yellow. And I’m glad you’re back.”
“Me too. I mean, I’m glad I’m back. I mean I’m glad I’m here. Gosh, I’m just glad it’s not hurting anymore, and I can get home!” He grinned. “Mom promised me that when we got here I could have some cake. She said that you and Tob—Miss Blake made cake for me, did you? Is it chocolate?”
I laughed. “Yes, of course it’s chocolate, you silly boy.” I reached down and took his little hand in mine. “What other kind would I make?”
He grinned up at me, then clasped my hand, and we walked into the house together.
*****
Jax’s parents finally came home the week after Patrick Charles did, and Mom insisted on having them over for dinner the next evening. I invited Tobi to come along. She said she couldn’t, but would love to hang out the next evening.
She and I both knew it was just because she didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about her and Jax, but I said nothing about it, and just agreed to see her another time.
I liked Jax’s parents, and I knew their return would free him up from having to do so much on the farm—but it would also mean he’d be over less often for meals.
I wasn’t sure what that would mean, but between that and the feelings he was trying to overcome, I had a pretty good idea that it would mean I wouldn’t see nearly as much of him, at least for awhile.
One Saturday afternoon when he was studying and Tobi said she would be busy until evening, I laid on the couch staring out the window, wishing I were on a picnic with them.
Patrick Charles crept up next to me and popped his little round head up. “Boo!” he yelled.
I looked up at him. “Hi, Patrick Charles.”
His face fell. “You weren’t scared?”
“Nope. Sorry.”
He crawled up on the couch next to me. “Whatcha doing?”
“Nothing.”
“That doesn’t sound fun. Play a game with me?”
I didn’t feel like it, but as long as I wasn’t doing anything, I supposed I might as well. Maybe it would get my mind off Jax and Tobi, at least. “Okay. What game?”
“Checkers!”
Patrick Charles didn’t know the real rules of checkers, so we generally made up our own rules as we went along. “Okay.”
He jumped off the couch and grabbed my hand. “Come on!”
I let him pull me up, and followed him into the dining room.
He chattered on as we played, making up rules, chattering about the differences between hospital and home, telling me about what he and Freddy had done yesterday. I tried to listen, but my thoughts kept wandering.
A knock at the door sent me flying up. “Coming!” I called, and ran to get it.
When I opened the door, my heart sank. It was only Melissa. “Oh. Hey, Mel.”
“Hey! What are you up to today?”
I gestured back towards the dining room. “Just playing with Patrick Charles.”
“Is that what you’ve been doing all this time? I’ve hardly seen you!” She walked past me into the house, and I closed the door.
“I’ve just been doing stuff. How are you?”
She dropped onto the couch. “Just dead! I hate my job. It’s so annoying. But Dad insists I keep at it.” She sighed and rolled her eyes.
I actually used to like her?
That wasn’t nice. Just because she wasn’t like October was no reason for me to stop liking her, right? Wasn’t she supposed to be my best friend?
I sat down next to her and folded my hands in my lap.
“What have you been up to, anyway?” she asked again. “None of us have seen you for months.”
I tried to think of how to answer the question. What had I been up to, anyway?
“I joined the choir,” I tried.
“Yes... you and October.”
I wondered if I was imagining the tension in her voice. “Yes. And... I’ve been studying a lot.”
She blinked. “Huh. I don’t remember you ever being that dedicated to your homework before.”
“Well, I wasn’t having to think about college before.” It was true enough. I had been a little more serious about school this fall for that reason. But mostly I just couldn’t really think of what to say. I’d been up to so many things. In addition to helping Tobi learn to drive, I’d been shopping, taking walks, having sleepovers.
Nothing new. Except October.
When all the past summers and autumns I had done all those kinds of things with Melissa.
She frowned and looked away. The clock above the couch ticked away.
“I’ve missed you,” she said, softly, but in a bitter tone.
A chill spread through me.
Selfish. I was selfish. Melissa was still my friend. Just because I loved Tobi, just because she was a big sister to me—none of this was any reason that I should drop my old frien
ds. Drop them to run after something more interesting.
I cleared my throat, but had nothing to say. I waited a moment, then tried again. “Mel...” I stopped.
She turned and looked at me, a single tear hanging in the corner of her right eye.
I leaned over and hugged her, tightly, and her arms slipped around me. My heart seemed to drop to my stomach. Poor Melissa. How many times had I done this to her? And how many times had she let me come back?
“I’m... I’m sorry,” I whispered, trying to think of something else to say.
I felt her head shake against my shoulder. “No... no, it’s not that. I mean... I’m just...” She pulled back, and looked me in the eyes. “Did you hear about Paige?”
I never heard anything about Mel’s older sister that she didn’t tell me. I shook my head.
Patrick Charles picked this moment to come in the room, approach me, and poke my arm. “When are we going to finish our game? We weren’t done yet. I hadn’t even gone all the way around once. Can we finish playing now?”
I shook his hand gently off my arm. “We’ll... finish it when I’m done talking. I promise. You get a snack, okay?”
“What kind of snack can I get? I saw some cookies in the pantry, can I get some of those? Can I play outside?”
“Yes, yes. Get some cookies. You can play, just stay in the yard.”
He hurried off and disappeared into the kitchen.
I turned to Mel again. “What is it? What about Paige?”
She bit her lip. “You know she got a job at the shoe store over the summer?”
*****
Tobi found me sitting on the porch steps, and she waved as she trotted up the driveway. “Hello, Em! Sorry I’m a little late. I thought we could walk through the...” She stopped.
I didn’t look up at her.
“Em?” she said softly, then hurried to sit beside me on the steps. She put an arm around my shoulders and her fingers wrapped around my arm. “What is it?”
“You know my friend Melissa?” I looked up at her.
“Yes.”
“It’s her sister... her older sister, Paige.”
“What happened?”
I shook my head and looked out towards the quiet street and the fields on the other side. “It’s just... well, she started dating somebody she met at the store where she works. She apparently started sneaking out to see him and they only found out a month ago—he’s not a Christian and doesn’t seem to be a good guy at all. Their dad is furious and Paige won’t even talk to Mel anymore, and she’ll probably get kicked out of the house if it doesn’t stop. It’s just... a huge mess.” I looked down again, rested one elbow on my knee, and leaned my forehead into my hand.
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