Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

“Literally just in the door. Is Christopher in a mood?”

  “Uh…” Was he? “I don’t know.”

  She looked up. “Usually that’s a bad thing or an excellent thing.” She shrugged. “Eh, teenagers. What are you going to do, huh?”

  “Exactly. I can’t wait ‘til I’m your age. Get rid of all these hormones and weirdness and…ugh.”

  Aunt Jelly laughed. “Oh, God no. Never wish for that.”

  “Why not? Being an adult must be so cool.”

  She looked at me over her shoulder calculatingly. “We need a cup of tea for this, I think.” She started making teas as she kept talking. “Don’t be fooled by the exterior, babe. Being an adult sucks ass. Like big fat donkey ass. Any adult who tells you they know what they’re doing is lying through their teeth.”

  “Really?” I found that seriously hard to believe.

  Aunt Jelly scoffed. “Oh yeah. You know, I used to look at my parents and think they knew everything. You know? Like they were all put together and had this life thing figured out. But, the older I get, the more I realise that they didn’t know what they were doing. They just pretended they knew what they were doing because that’s what adults are meant to do. My brother was the same. We weren’t close for long – age difference and all – but, he told me the same thing when he was about my age. Dude had no idea what he was doing.

  “Life is ninety percent confidence and ten percent competence, Ads. Never forget that,” she said as she passed me my mug. “Life will always be a little scary, it’s just that the things you’re scared about change. Like, at your age, I was worried about boys and grades and uni and what was going to happen if my parents split up like Janie’s did. Now, I worry about boys and grades and uni and what’s going to happen to those boys if I screw up.”

  “So, not much has really changed, then?” I asked her.

  She smiled. “Okay, no. Not so much. But, I’m a terrible adult. We know this. Seriously, if I could give back my adult license, that’d be great. Like, I did my free trial and no thanks. It’s not for me. I’m cancelling my subscription. But, that’s not the way life works.”

  “You can come colour in my blanket fort?” I offered.

  Aunt Jelly huffed a laugh. “Thanks, gorgeous. I’d like that.”

  “So…”

  “So?” she prompted when I didn’t go on.

  “We’re destined to worry about boys forever?”

  She took a deep breath. “Well…” she started slowly. “Not like… How do I do this without messing up? Um… It’s not like boys – or girls, you know – are the be-all and end-all, right? As in, I can be a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. But… Well, a little bit of love and affection with a…partner, I guess, would be nice. The presence or absence of a partner doesn’t define me. But, I think people just crave it. There’s something that that sort of partner can give you that you don’t get from friends.”

  I played with the handle on my mug. “Not even like with me and Ander?”

  “I don’t know, babe. I can’t answer that. Maybe. I mean, you guys share everything. I can’t see anything ever coming between you. And, he might be everything you need for companionship. But, there might come a time when there’s something more you need.”

  “Like sex?”

  Aunt Jelly made this hilariously weird noise. “Eh… I wasn’t meaning sex. But, yeah. You’ll probably want that connection one day, too.”

  “Is it different when you love them?”

  She spluttered like she’d choked on her tea. “What?”

  “I mean, I haven’t…at all. Yet. But, is it different?”

  Aunt Jelly blinked. We had a really open relationship and I knew we could talk about everything. But, sex hadn’t ever really come up like this before.

  “Uh. Yeah. Every…encounter will be different. Even with the same person.”

  “Should I wait until I…” I stopped because I honestly didn’t ever want to love anyone like that; that all-consuming, pure, true love that had the power to break me. “Until I really like someone?”

  “Oh, Lordy,” Aunt Jelly breathed and I knew she wasn’t uncomfortable, but she was trying to find the right words. “That’s tricky. You might want to wait for that, you might not. I mean, someone you don’t like at all isn’t ideal… Look, you’ll know when you’re ready. I mean, you’ll think you know… You’ll definitely know when you’re not, let’s put it that way.”

  “I might not know when I am?” Just how difficult was all this sex stuff anyway?

  She waved her head. “No. Look. My first time, I thought I was ready. But, after it happened, I… I guess I regretted it. I didn’t feel…violated or anything. But, I wished I’d done it differently. I wished we’d waited. After the very-soon-after break up, I even pretended he wasn’t my first for a while. I just told myself it hadn’t happened, that I got a do-over. But, that’s life, babe.

  “I know as a parent, I’m meant to say wait and don’t do it and all that stuff. But, honestly, you’re the only one who knows when you’re ready. All I can ask is that you be sensible when it happens and think of the consequences. And if, like me, you regret it after, that’s okay, too. It’s not abnormal or wrong. It just means you had a shitty first time. Hell, I regret a guy last month. No amount of ‘growing up’ is going to ensure you make good choices every time.”

  “So, it doesn’t matter how early you…do it?”

  “Eh, I mean there’s a kind of culturally appropriate age, isn’t there. Like, thirteen and we kind of go, ‘oh, you’re missing out on your childhood, you’re losing your sweet innocence, and that’s for adults’ and stuff. And, that’s not all wrong. I agree with all that in a perfect world. But… It doesn’t make you a slut or ruined or whatever if you choose to do it. You choose for you, Addy. You want to do it tonight? You want to wait until you’re…forty? No one gets to tell you when you’re ready. I mean, I’d take people’s suggestions about waiting on board – it’s not something you should ever rush into blindly. But, it’s ultimately up to you. Not parents, not society, not friends, not a partner. Just you.”

  “How do I know?”

  “Can’t answer that one, babe. You’ll just know. You’ll be…with someone and going further will feel right or wrong.”

  “And, if it feels right but turns out to be wrong?”

  “Then you can join the ‘Shitty First Time’ club,” she said with an almost sad smile.

  “There are a few members then?” Based on Ander and Aunt Jelly, it sounded like it.

  “Card carriers are in the hundreds of thousands, babe. If your first time isn’t at least one of fast, painful, awkward, weird, or messy, then I would go so far as to say you’ve done it wrong,” she teased. “That, or you got bloody lucky.”

  “So, romance novels…?”

  “Full of shit,” she snorted. “Well, as far as I’m aware anyway.”

  “But, still–”

  “But, still addictive, yes,” she laughed.

  “What’s addictive?” Topher asked as he walked into the kitchen, changed into tracksuit shorts and a jumper with the sleeves pushed up.

  Aunt Jelly reached up and pinched his cheek. “How adorable you are,” she cooed and I snorted.

  Topher threw me a look with his eyebrow raised and my breath did that hitching thing again. Suddenly, I was all too aware of what Aunt Jelly had said and I refused to acknowledge my brain was trying to apply my new information to Topher.

  Lust might have been a perfectly acceptable reason to have sex with someone. But, it was not a perfectly acceptable reason to even think about sex with Christopher Henderson.

  Chapter Nine

  Ander was supposed to be coming right around that bush at any moment. And I was laying perfectly in wait. The war was on and Ander was going to be sorry this time.

  I saw the jeans and launched. My tacky bomb hit his t-shirt and it was just as the colour was seeping into it that I rea
lised Ander hadn’t been wearing a white t-shirt or jeans when I’d last seen him and he certainly wouldn’t have changed into them from shorts on such a sunny day. The abs that were becoming more defined through the now-wet t-shirt just clarified it for me.

  I’d already bitten my lip to stop myself laughing by the time I looked into his completely disbelieving face. But, the smile I was having trouble taming.

  “Addy?” he said slowly, like he was still coming to grips with the fact I’d tacky bombed him.

  “Topher?” I replied in the same tone.

  “Tell me you haven’t changed the recipe again,” he pleaded.

  I snorted. “Can’t do that.”

  “Addy!”

  “What?” I asked innocently before I threw another one at him. He tried to dodge it, but the red hit his shoulder, the edges of it starting to blur with the blue that was already seeping into his torso.

  Topher was doing a piss poor job at pretending he was annoyed with me. I mean, I could see he was annoyed, but he also saw the humour in it. He was trying not to, but he totally did.

  I picked up another one and juggled it gently. He watched me carefully and I could see he was getting ready to move as he pointed at me.

  “Don’t you dare,” he warned me and I grinned.

  “Dare what?” I asked, still acting innocent.

  He looked like that smile was getting harder to fight and those blue eyes shone with humour. “I was going out later,” he said.

  “Oh, and you couldn’t possibly go now you’re dirty.”

  “I already showered.”

  I gasped sarcastically. “You couldn’t possibly have two showers in one day! The scandal!”

  He smirked as he looked down at his clinging t-shirt. “You think you’re–”

  He stopped as yellow blossomed across his face from the bomb I managed to get off while he was looking down and I snorted. When he looked back up, I saw I was in trouble. I grabbed another couple of bombs from the bucket at my feet.

  “Okay. Let’s be reasonable here…” I started as I tried not to laugh.

  “Reasonable? Ads, reasonable went out the window with,” he wiped his cheek and looked at his fingers, “yellow.”

  I snorted again. “Okay. I’m sorry, but–”

  My words ended in a squeal as he lunged forward and I dodged out of his grasp. I tried to throw another one at him, but he avoided it as he scooped up a couple of his own.

  We paused, in a stand-off as Topher juggled the one in his left hand.

  “Okay, Ads. Where do you want it?” he asked, attempting menacing but the glint in his eyes belied the seriousness of his tone.

  “Uh, over your head would be great. Thanks. I think I missed a spot.”

  He was losing the battle against that smile. “Did you?”

  He chucked it at me and I squealed as I tried to dodge but it hit me in the side. This one was purple and I felt it running down my leg. I aimed another at him and we went at it for about ten minutes, scampering in to the bucket to get another one before we ran around the garden like we were half our age, pelting each other with tacky bombs. I’d like it on the record that I only got hit as often as I did because Topher had an annoying habit of doing things like jumping over rocks all sexy-like and I got distracted.

  He finally caught me, his arm tightly around my waist, and broke one on my head. I felt the tacky mix sliding over my hair and down my face as I glared at him. Well, I tried to glare at him. In reality, we were both just grinning at each other like idiots.

  Topher’s arm was strong around my waist and I had this weird feeling in my chest. It was warm and tingly and even though my smile fell a little, I still looked at him softly.

  He wiped some hair and tacky mix off my face and I felt myself smile again. Topher smiled back as our faces seemed to get closer of their own accord. I had plenty of time to pull away, but I didn’t. So, despite the fact I’d told him only the day before this was never happening again, I kissed him. Or, let him kiss me. Or, met him in the middle. I’m not really sure how it went, just that it went.

  Topher wrapped his arms around my back while one of my hands found his arm and the other found his cheek. His skin was slick from the tacky mixture and I was willing to bet mine was no better. But, it seemed both of us were heedless of the fact that we were just maximising the damage from the tacky mix as it rubbed together between us. I was certainly heedless as I got totally lost in feeling like my heart had been jumpstarted and I couldn’t wrap my arms around him tight enough. I was just–

  “Addy?” I heard Ander call and I pulled away from Topher quickly. “If you tacky me, I swear to God, you’re going in the–”

  The splash of Topher hitting the water stopped him and I turned just as I saw Ander pop into view around the very bush he was supposed to have appeared around fifteen minutes earlier.

  “–pool,” Ander finished slowly as he looked at said pool and then back at me, then pointed at the spluttering Topher as his head broke the surface. “Did you just push my brother in the pool?” he laughed.

  I hoped there was enough tacky mix on my face that he wouldn’t see me flushing as I nodded. “Uh? Yes.”

  Ander took another look at me, then Topher, and his face fell a little. “Dudes! You tackied without me?”

  I gave him a hesitant smile. “Unintentionally.”

  “She thought I was you,” Topher grumbled as he pulled himself effortlessly out of the pool.

  I looked at Topher quickly, hoping he knew there was no way in hell I’d have kissed him if I’d thought he was Ander. But then, what did he care? Topher liked hookups. He’d said he wanted to kiss me again. But, I very much doubted he cared who he was hooking up with or who they thought they were hooking up with when it came down to it. Although, anyone hooking up with Topher Henderson and thinking or wishing he was someone else was wasting a very nice opportunity.

  Topher looked back at me as he flicked water out of his hair and I had a bit of a moment, despite everything else that was going on and the unimpressed look on Topher’s face.

  Ander snorted. “She got you good, man.”

  Topher’s glare was dark. “I wasn’t exactly lagging.”

  Ander looked us both up and down and a giggle escaped as he was trying not to laugh. “True that.” He leant over and wiped a finger over my chest and inspected the mix. “Addison, is this what I think it is?” he asked.

  I failed to suppress my grin. Yeah, I’d added glitter paint to the mix this time. “It might be.”

  Ander laughed out loud and shook his head. “Glad it was you, not me, brother.”

  Topher and I shared a conspiratorial look and a smile. As we looked back to Ander, I saw the panic spread across his face.

  “Okay, guys… It doesn’t have to go down this way…” he started as he took a step back, his hands raised in defence.

  But, Topher and I launched at him, all three of us going down in a jumble of arms and legs. Ander got covered in tacky mix. I scraped some off my cheek and wiped it over his face and the three of us laughed.

  “At least let it be a fair fight, dammit!” Ander cried, wriggling as he tried to get us off him.

  “Yeah, all right,” Topher huffed. He pulled himself up, then hauled the two of us to our feet.

  “No teams,” Ander warned us pointedly.

  “Nope. Every man for himself,” I answered.

  We all nodded, then it was mayhem as the three of us ran backwards and forwards around the yard, pelting each other. I slipped over a couple of times and there were some hilarious collisions. Topher and Ander had a standoff where both boys were grinning wider than I’d seen on either of them for the longest time as they teased each other.

  At one point, Topher picked me up and launched us both into the pool as I squealed in a completely undignified way and Ander complained we were leaving him out so he leaped in and joined us. We ended up splashing around in the pool for a while,
still dressed, and somehow managed to get the worst of the tacky mix off us before traipsing the remnants through the house on the way to shower. Topher only half-heartedly grumbled about how he was going to be late to wherever he was supposed to be going that night and that he smelled like one of my cups of tea as he threw me a devastating smirk before he disappeared into his room.

  But, we’d actually had a really good time. All three of us. It was the first time in…probably ever. And, it seemed I wasn’t the only one thinking about it.

  “So, that was weird…” Ander said from his position on top of the vanity as I tried to scrub off every last piece of damned craft herpes in the shower – I hadn’t expected to get it on me, okay?

  My heart thumped. “What was?” I asked, trying to act nonchalant.

  “Topher.”

  My heart thumped harder and I hoped he was talking about what I thought he was talking about and not the thing I hoped he wasn’t talking about. “Yeah. Totally weird.”

  “I wonder what made him join in?”

  I snuck a look at him to find him staring avidly at his phone still in nothing but the towel around his waist, his ankles crossed, and his hair still dripping water down his torso.

  “Uh, could it be the fact that I pelted him first and didn’t really give him a choice?”

  Ander sniggered. “Yeah. That might have been it. This glitter thing, though. I can’t decide if I love it or hate it, babes.”

  I smiled; that had been the intention. “Yeah. I wasn’t expecting to get hit with so many of my own, though.”

  “Well, I would have grabbed some of mine. But, I didn’t really get a chance.”

  I laughed. “Don’t tell me you didn’t love it.”

  His laugh filled the bathroom and warmed my heart. “No, certainly can’t do that. I don’t remember a time I saw Toph that happy…”

  There was a note of whimsy in his voice and I didn’t know if this was one of those times that I pushed him or not. Ander was better at emotions than me. The good ones, anyway. I didn’t think the guy had it in him to get really angry or annoyed. He was my happy-go-lucky, the light to my dark, we offset each other perfectly.