by Cora Carmack
I’ve spent too much time pretending, too much time on the outside, too much time feeling spineless. This time . . . I’m going after what I want.
I hear a whistle blow as I walk down the hallway that leads out onto the field. Tugging my messenger bag higher on my shoulder, I continue out onto the springy grass searching for my dad.
I pause, overwhelmed with the number of guys practicing and just how freaking big they are.
Toto, we’re not in high school anymore.
The players and coaches are scattered all over the field in small groups, all of them doing something different while a coach stands over them yelling. Normally, I would say that my dad would be easy to find. He’s the loudest person I’ve ever met in my life, but among all the coaches yelling and the players grunting and yelling back, it’s a barely controlled chaos. I walk along the perimeter, searching for Dad.
There are guys doing ladder drills, intimidating and tiring, but I like to think I’m quick enough on my feet that I could give most of them a run for their money. Not so with most of the other stuff I see. There’s one group of guys facing a set of hurdles, jumping over each one leapfrog style instead of using the form you see at track meets. There’s a group with guys crashing into one another whenever the coach says go, growling and trying to take their opponent down. Another set is doing monkey rolls, my favorite drill to watch because it’s just so damn impressive (and entertaining). Three guys all start out lying on their stomachs beside one another. In turns, they throw themselves up or roll across the grass, so it looks like they’re being juggled by large, invisible hands.
But I catch sight of Dad at the far end of the practice field. He has two lines of guys set up to form a narrow corridor, and while one player runs through carrying the ball, they all attempt to make him fumble.
Apparently Levi did just that, because I can hear Dad tearing him a new one from over here. “I don’t give a damn if you’re tired or bleeding or about to pass out on my field, Abrams. You don’t drop the damn ball. You’re the QB. You protect that ball like it’s the only one you have, because it just might be if I see it hit the ground one more time.”
I wince. Nothing like the threat of castration to brighten up your day.
“Again!”
Levi runs the gauntlet again, and the players are none too gentle as they try to strip the ball away, probably by Dad’s order. This time, Levi holds on to the ball. Dad sends him through a few more times, and when he’s satisfied, he moves on to the next player.
“McClain, you’re up!”
The guy on the end takes the ball from Levi, who fills his post as one of the last members of the gauntlet. The new guy tucks the ball close, keeps his shoulders hunched, and speeds through the middle, holding tight to the ball.
“Again. Faster.”
The guy had already appeared faster than Levi to my eyes, but maybe he’s a running back. It would make sense for him to be faster.
He turns around, runs back through the gauntlet, his feet even quicker this time.
Dad runs him again and again, pushing him harder each time, and the guy holds up.
Dad sounds angry, but he’s not. He wears this thoughtful expression on his face, and I can tell whatever he’s thinking . . . it’s big. He’s pleased.
I may not give a crap about football, but I know my dad well enough to know when he’s excited about something, when he’s inspired. I like to think it’s the same look I get on my face when I’m choreographing a routine, and my body seems to know instinctively what move should come next. I only wish he could see the correlation, see that dance does for me what football does for him.
Instead, he just sees a waste of time and money for a career he doesn’t think I’ll ever have. I know, logically, I know that he’s just worried about me, and this is how it manifests, but that doesn’t stop the part of me that hopes and dreams from hating him a little.
As I’m coming up closer to Dad, he asks, “Are you tired, McClain?”
“No, sir,” the guy barks back.
“You look tired.”
“No, sir.”
“Tired men drop the football. Tired men make mistakes. Are you tired?”
“No, sir!”
“Then do it again. Keep going until I say stop.”
Even I feel sorry for the dude. He’s done everything Dad asked, and done it well enough to actually impress my father (not an easy feat), and still he won’t let up. But that’s an aspect to my father’s personality with which I am intimately familiar.
“Geez, Dad. If this is how you like to spend your birthday, maybe we should skip dinner and you could just yell at people as they walk by. Maybe chase some mailmen. Chew on a bone or two.”
Dad whirls around, and he has his football expression on—eyebrows pulled low and close together, jaw clenched, eyes even beadier than normal. He looks at me for a few long moments before I see him begin to shake off his practice persona.
With a frown, he steps up beside me and places a kiss on my forehead that’s a not-so-distant cousin to a head butt.
“Am I running late?” he asks.
“Only a little.”
He nods and then blows the whistle, ending the players’ agony. I shoot his last punching bag, number twelve, a quick smile, and he drops the ball.
It just slips right out of his hand, bounces twice, and then rolls a few feet away.
Luckily, Dad’s attention is elsewhere, or his brain might actually implode due to anger. I raise my eyebrows and glance toward the ground, and number twelve picks the thing up so fast you’d think his life depended on it. Which, honestly, it kinda does.
I walk back and out of the way as the players jog over to circle around Dad. There are so many of them that I have to resist the urge to run to avoid getting swallowed up in the crowd. They take a knee, and I lean against the wall nearby.
I feel eyes on me, too many eyes, but it takes only a clearing of my Dad’s throat to redraw all of their focus. I fidget, crossing my legs and studying my toes.
Dad starts in on his wrap-up, his familiar rumbling voice carrying across the field with very little effort.
“You’re getting stronger,” he begins. “Quicker. Better.” I can see the team collectively straighten up under his praise. “But it’s not enough.”
Dad is inhumanly good at that—building you up just to knock you down a peg or two.
“How many games did you win last year?”
No one answers for several long seconds, then Dad turns on Levi, who is kneeling right next to him, facing in my direction.
“How many games did your team win, Abrams?”
Levi’s jaw goes stone hard, and a little warmth of pleasure uncurls in my belly to see him so agitated.
“Three, sir.”
“Three,” my dad repeats. Then, a little quieter, he says the number a second time. It’s the second time that makes a few players drop their heads. Not Levi, though. He’s staring at Dad in an angry way that makes me dislike him even more. As if I needed another reason.
“You are better than three,” my dad says. “You were last year too, but there’s a gap between your potential and your playing. Every second you push yourself on this field, every weight you strain to lift, every time you sit down to study plays or film, we’re closing that gap. But we will only completely close that gap as a team. I can’t will it closed, and a team isn’t meant to be carried by one or two individuals. If even one of you doesn’t pull your weight, it won’t work.” Dad paused and looked around the circle of players. “Don’t be the gap on this team. Be the person who fills it.”
I know Dad’s talking about sports and training and all that stuff I don’t care about, but I can’t help but hear his words through the filter of our lives. There is a gap in our house. Maybe it’s the mom I never knew. Maybe it’s the words we never say. Or maybe it’s both of us. Maybe there’s a gap in each of us so big that we can’t get past it to fill the one between us. Maybe we’ll never fill it.
Well, isn’t that just depressing?
You know you’re growing up when you start to see more inevitabilities than possibilities.
Looking for a distraction, I scan the circle of players as Dad keeps talking. My eyes sweep over Silas, who looks at me with a carefully blank expression. I don’t let myself jerk my eyes away like I want to, and instead I keep looking past him like he’s any other player. I pull my gaze along, but I’m not really seeing much until . . .
I freeze.
Slowly, I let my gaze backtrack to find another pair of eyes on me.
Not Silas. Not Levi.
Carson.
His hair is dark with sweat and sticking up as though he’d run his hands through it. He’s kneeling, his body directed toward my father, but his eyes are fixed on me. His jaw clenches tight, and his blue eyes look like steel from here. His knuckles are curled tightly around the face mask on his helmet, and I can see the way he’s pushing down on the helmet, bearing it into the ground.
He’s angry.
And I feel all my earlier hope for the future, all my determination, just melt away. The gap in me stretches so big in that moment, flowing out from between my ribs and pushing up through my pores, that I forget to feel angry, too.
For a moment anyway.
Dad dismisses the team, and Carson stands. Then the fury rolls in like a storm, filling the empty with emotions too raw to put a name to. I don’t wait for Dad. I don’t wait for anything.
I turn and start walking off the field, wishing I could stomp my feet hard enough to make the earth shake as much as my hands. There is thunder in my chest, and I know a scream won’t release it. Not this time.
It’s stupid. So stupid.
He’s just a guy I spent one night with.
I should not be this upset.
I should not . . . I should not have been stupid enough to let him mean anything more than that. I mean, Jesus, the guy even ignored me all weekend! So why do I feel like my ribs are trying to curl in on themselves?
Stupid. I’m chanting the word in my head as I grind my teeth and escape out of the complex and into my little maroon sedan. I turn the key in the ignition, releasing a small sob only when I know the roar of the engine will cover it.
I slap the steering wheel, but that doesn’t do the trick, so I punch it instead. The car gives a small whine, in lieu of a honk, and my knuckles agree in silent misery.
Furious, I put the car in drive and take off, not knowing where I’m going. I just know that I’m on the verge of losing control in a way that I don’t ever let myself. I try to just shut it off like I normally do, like I promised myself only hours ago I was going to stop doing, but for whatever reason, I can’t.
Yell, always. Scream, usually. Throw something? Frequently.
Cry? Never.
I turn the music up so loud that it actually hurts my ears. I drive and drive too fast until I’m past the university bubble, past the city limits sign, and eventually . . . past the danger of crying.
Thirty minutes outside of town, I pull over at an empty rest stop. I sit in my chair, eyes closed, and I dance in my head. I imagine what it would feel like to put movement to this anger, this frustration so deep and black that it’s like a creature tearing through my bloodstream. Part of me is tempted to get out of the car and do it for real, right there in the sprawling Texas countryside. I choreograph a dance that’s hard, maybe too hard for me to actually perform, but when I see it in my mind, I leap higher than ever and throw myself across the dance floor with no thought to whether it will hurt. There are no pretty pointed toes or soft, arched arms. There’s no build, no highs and lows. I imagine someone like Dad screaming in my ear as I dance the whole thing at full speed, as I drag myself across the floor until I just can’t anymore. There is desperation and pain and when it’s over, I’m emptier than I’ve ever been.
And I didn’t even dance it for real.
I get out of the car then, not to dance but to sit on the hood of my car and stare up at the bruised night sky. They say Texas has a big sky. But I’ve always thought out here where there are no buildings and no people and you can see for miles in every direction, it actually feels like the sky isn’t big enough. Like it’s been stretched out over the land, and just barely reaches each horizon. At any minute it might peel back or tear right open having finally been stretched just a little too far.
So Carson plays football.
So he plays football for my dad.
It’s just another truth to face, and I’ve had plenty of practice with that.
I just have to accept that whatever childish, hopeful fancies I’d been imagining about how things might play out between us . . . that’s all they are. Imaginings. He won’t want to take the chance of dating me, not when it could endanger his spot on the team. And even if he does, I’ve already been down that road. And though some things about the next four years are doomed to be repeats of high school, this doesn’t have to be one of them. I won’t let it.
Hell, maybe he already knew. Maybe he’s friends with Levi and Silas, and he just did a better job of fooling me.
I take several gasping breaths, all of a sudden in danger of crying again. I breathe and breathe and breathe and wrap my arms tight around my middle like my limbs are a corset, squeezing me in tight. I hold myself together by sheer force of will.
When I climb back into my car some time later, it’s just past eight o’clock, and it’s only then that I remember my dad. With a groan, I dig for my phone in my purse.
Thirteen missed calls.
What must Dad be thinking? I’d run out of there with no word, no excuse, nothing. It’s been hours.
I unlock my phone, and my jaw drops.
There are thirteen missed calls all right. But only three are from Dad.
The rest are from Carson.
Chapter 9
Dallas
Dad’s truck is missing and the windows are all dark when I pull up outside our house. I slap my hand against the steering wheel, now only angry with myself. There’s only one other place I know that he could be, so I head back to the university and the athletic complex.
Sure enough, his truck is there, along with half a dozen other vehicles. My stomach churns as I climb out of my car and head for the entrance.
Dad might not always be the best father, but I’m just as awful at being a daughter.
Still not familiar enough with the layout of the building to know exactly where I’m going, I head down a brightly lit, sterile white hallway, reading the plaques beside the doors. Toward the back of the building, I reach an open door and hear noises coming from the inside.
I step inside an expansive weight room, painted in Rusk University red, and then immediately wish I hadn’t.
The room is empty except for two people.
One of whom is on the short list of people I would cut off my hand not to have to talk to at the moment.
Silas stands about ten meters from me, a bar filled with an impossible number of weights laid across his shoulders. He bends his knees in a squat, his face colored red with effort, and his eyes meet mine.
“You all right, pretty girl?”
His words are surprisingly devoid of flirtation, and they smack of something almost like concern. I reach a hand up to pat at my hair, wondering if he can tell by looking at me that I just had a breakdown of Britney proportions.
“Is my dad around?”
It’s the trainer spotting him who answers. “He’s in the office, I think. Through that door and then to the right.”
I nod and head off in the direction he pointed. There’s a door propped open, but the lights are dimmed inside. My feet stutter to a stop when I see Carson seated on the couch, watching game film. He has one ankle balanced on his other knee, a notebook perched on his leg, and a pencil tapping pensively against his lip. The sight of him stirs something in my chest.
I guess I didn’t empty myself quite as well as I thought I had.
As if he
feels my eyes on him, he glances away from the television briefly, his eyes darting back to stay when he registers who I am. He sits up straighter, dropping his propped-up foot to the floor, and the notebook follows with a thud. He’s showered and changed into sweats, and I can see the number twelve printed just below his hip.
Number twelve.
I suck in a breath. The thought of him out there on that field still stings, but when I think back to the way he dropped the ball, I know that he didn’t know who I was until today. I didn’t realize how much that was still bothering me until I felt the relief wash over me.
He opens his mouth to say something, but then his eyes flick to my right.
I can guess who’s standing there by the split second of fear on his face before he shutters his expression completely. I turn to see my dad leaning on the doorjamb to his office, the bright light behind him pouring into the dim room.
I don’t know what to say . . . not to either of them.
So I stalk past Dad into the coaches’ office in silence, and Dad closes the door behind us a few seconds later. The office is large, with a table in the middle, rolling chairs, a few computers, and a couch shoved into the corner. Though the comfortable couch beckons me, I take a seat at the table. It feels safer somehow. Dad sits down across from me, and the frown he fixes on me tells me I’ve got a lecture coming.
“Would you care to explain to me where you’ve been? I called. Several times.”
Yeah, and you’re not alone there.
“I-I’m sorry, Dad. Something came up, and I needed to . . .”
“Something came up?” he asks sternly. His elbows come down hard on the table, and he lays his forearms down flat, leaning toward me.
God, that sounded insensitive. Like running errands was more important than his birthday. Let’s try this again, Dallas.
“I, uh . . .” I’m surprised to feel my chin tremble, and I’m reminded of why Dad and I don’t talk much. He’s the only person who gets under my skin, the only person I can’t seem to keep my cool around. “Things haven’t been easy. Starting at a new school, starting at Rusk.”