by Galen Wolf
‘Scarlet Woman of Babylon!’ Fitheach yells.
Dystonia turns to Tye. ‘Can you keep the old guy quiet?’
He shrugs. ‘He’s not so bad. Just a bit crazy.’
She rolls her eyes.
This is not good. I say, ‘What is this quest?’
Morgana says quietly, ‘It’s the Quest of Mr Treacle.’
Bernard bursts out laughing. ‘That’s a stupid quest name.’
I say. ‘What on earth is that?’
Morgana says, ‘Not far from here, there’s a treacle mine.’
‘Like what?’ Tye says.
Amazonia, the brunette witch and guild cook, explains, ‘It’s like molasses.’
‘Ah.’
Morgana continues. ‘Down this mine grow rare herbs.’
I say, ‘Okay. So?’
‘Trouble is the mine is guarded by evil monsters. Ones that are immune to our enchantment magic and as you can see,’ she gestures to her almost naked form, ‘We’re not built for combat.’ She gives me a level stare. ‘But you are.’
‘What kind of monsters?’ I ask.
‘Treacle Monsters?’ Ventures Bernard.
She looks at him like he’s stupid. ‘No, just regular monsters, like ogres and trolls and stuff, but they’re immune to enchantment.’
‘And some other weird mobs,’ Celestria says but before she can say more, Morgana cuts her off. ‘You want to know more?’
I nod. I didn’t know ogres and trolls would be immune to enchantment and then she explains why. ‘Some herbs down there make creatures immune to enchantment, but Mr Treacle grows treacle berries which are very potent and increase the power of our enchantment spells so much that we we can control people distantly.’
‘Through crystal balls,’ Celestria explains and gestures to the far end of the room. There in the shadows is a shelf with a whole lot of crystal balls on stands. They look to be amber and quartz and amethyst and others I can’t name.
‘Very powerful stuff,’ Celestria says, ‘We just need to get the treacle berries.’
Amazonia says, ‘And we can’t go ourselves because we can’t enchant the monsters and they would kill us.’
I shake my head. ‘No, we don’t have time.’
‘Then we’ll enslave you,’ Dystonia says. Turning to Tye she winks. ‘You’d like that, wouldn’t you?’
From the perplexed frown on his face, it’s not at all clear that Tye wouldn’t like that.
I say, ‘We just won’t cooperate.’
‘Then you’ll be here while your precious king is besieged and Caer falls to the Enemy,’ Morgana says.
‘We’ll do it if you pay us,’ Bernard say suddenly.
The four witches look at each other. They’re clearly not short of cash, and it does seem they really want these treacle berries. ‘How much do you want?’ She asks Bernard.
Bernard has a sly grin on his face. ‘Four sets of bikinis.’
18
Delving Down the Treacle Mine
The four witches retire from their seats around the fire and cluster in the corner where there’s a murmur of conversations and a few angry whispers. There is clearly some disagreement because I can see Morgana’s face get angry, primarily at Amazonia.
I glance at Bernard who gives me a confident wink. Tye is looking longingly at the witches. Dystonia is the one who likes him, but it seems to me that Tye’s longing gaze is directed at the winsome blonde cook Amazonia.
Fitheach is glaring at me.
‘What?’ I ask as the witches continue to whisper to each other in the corner.
He whispers loudly, ‘We cannot enter into a bargain with these women of ill-repute. Not only are they versed in black magic, but they are wearing hardly anything.’
‘And they’ll be wearing less soon, if I have my way.’ Bernard leers.
Tye suddenly snaps his attention away from Amazonia. ‘What’s all this about a Mr Treacle? It sounds weird.’
‘Very weird,’ Fitheach says, sensing he’s found an ally in the young mage. ‘Something to be avoided.’
Bernard says, ‘Look, we get the bikinis, we get the crystals and then we get on to help King Arthur.’ He’s looking at me, knowing this line of argument will sway me. And it does.
I say, ‘Listen guys, this could work. The treacle thing.’
Fitheach turns on me. ‘Have you any idea of the capabilities of this Mr Treacle? Or even what manner of creature he is?’
I shake my head. ‘No…’
Fitheach puts up a warning finger. ‘And, the last two quests we embarked on did not go very well.’
‘Not yet,’ says Bernard, wagging a chemical-stained finger.
At that moment, Morgana returns. ‘Okay, we’ll do it. But we need a hundred treacle berries.’
I grin. ‘Okay, good,’ but I don’t really know what I’m letting myself in for.
I hit
‘Very well,’ Morgana says. ‘I’d invite you to linger longer here, but Bernard’s eaten all the seed cake.’
‘I’m feeling very buff,’ Bernard says.
Fitheach who’s obviously been paying attention says, ‘Check your stat page, you fool.’
Bernard does and looks sheepish. ‘Oh,’ he says.
‘No such thing as a free lunch, or a free seed cake,’ Morgana says. ‘Just a bit of insurance to make sure we could get quick control of you all again, if you proved uppity. But I’m pleased to say you are being very good boys. Very cooperative.’
‘Thank you, ma’am,’ Tye says, and Fitheach shoots him a hostile glance.
‘We’ll be off then,’ I say, then turning to the ‘boys’ I say, ‘Ready?’
‘Here goes nothing,’ Fitheach says.
‘The Quest of Mr Treacle,’ Tye says. ‘What a weird name.’
At the door of the gingerbread house, Bernard turns and waves. ‘See you girls, and it’ll be nice to see a bit more of you on our return,’ and he winks and grins. The girls wave enthusiastically back and Morgana shuts the door behind us.
I use Whistle Mount and Spirit appears. With him are the other beasts. ‘Lovely hay they gave us,’ Bessie says.
Henry agrees. ‘It was that, lass. And we got oats.’ He gives me a stare from his yellowy eye. ‘More than you usually give us.’ I could say something, but I’m not in the mood for entering into conversation with a mule.
‘You can’t trust them an inch,’ Fitheach says, climbing up on Laireog.
Tye mounts Bessie. ‘I thought they were lovely girls.’
‘Then you’re a bigger fool than you first appear,’ Fitheach says. ‘And that’s saying something.’
‘Whatever, grandpa,’ Tye says and giggles.
‘Do you trust them?’ I ask Bernard.
The shabby alchemist shakes his head. ‘Nah, I just want to see them naked.’
I say, ‘You know that the game probably won’t show you them naked. They’ll just change into other clothes.’
‘It might. It’s rated 18 and over this game.’
‘Yeah, that’s the blood and gore.’
‘And the coarse language,’ Fitheach shouts forward.
We’re leaving the glade with its street lamp and pool and the gingerbread house. I never did figure out whether the treasure at the bottom of the pool was real or not, but as the water makes you fall instantly asleep, it probably wasn’t worth drowning for. An owl hoots from a tree nearby and is answered by another of its kind. It’s night again, predictably.
The night does not lift as we follow the trail through the forest. Morgana gave me directions to the mine and I can see it on my map. It looks like we continue through the forest for a while, climbing the flanks of Pendle Hill. Then when we’re above the tree line, we have a mile to go across the featureless moorland until we reach the entrance to the Treacle Mine. Dawn arrives with pale fingers. We can see better. This place is pretty bleak though.
/> We climb the path in single file, leaving the trees behind us. Streams and rivulets rush in the grey light around the rocky path that winds up the flank of the hill. It’s steep in parts and I can hear the wind whistling. Off to right and left, I see flashes of light from Will-o'-the-wisps but they don’t come close enough for us to need to fight them.
I check the map. ‘The mine should be soon now. Look out for it on the left.’
As we ride on further, a the sun glimmers over to the east and reveals the whole area buzzing with a black and red haze.
‘Still in enemy territory,’ Bernard says.
I sigh. ‘All the north is enemy held now.’
‘We’ll get to him, don’t worry,’ he says. ‘We won’t be too late and then the King will rise again.’
‘I only hope we can bring him the vorpal weapons. If we get the crystals from Ned Ludd…’
‘We’ll still need Jabberwock poop, so don’t count on vorpal weapons. But at least we’ll be with him.’
I see the silhouette of a rough wooden sign in the hazy sunlight. There’s a swelling of a hillock and the sign is to the right. An area of black sits in the front of the grey shadowed hill. That must be the entrance to the mine. As we get closer, I read:
‘Mr Treacle’s Treacle Mine. No Entry. Trespassers Will Be Eat.’
Fitheach says, ‘That’s bad grammar. It should be eaten.’
‘Yeah like, gotten,’ Tye says.
I can’t help but mention it, because it’s a particular issue with me, so I say, ‘British people don’t say gotten. They say got.’
‘Really?’ Tye says. ‘I thought that was a grammatical error.’
I shake my head. ‘No. “I’ve got better” is perfectly good grammar in Britain and most of the English-speaking world, to be honest. It’s just different usage.’
Tye grins. ‘I’m cool with that.’
‘I wish everyone was,’ I say. ‘Anyway, back to this mine.’
‘What do you think he means by “Will Be Eat”?’ Tye asks.
Bernard has been listening. ‘I’m not afraid of any Mr Treacle.’
Fitheach looks grim. ‘Maybe you should be.’
I glance at the saint. ‘Why? Do you know something we don’t?’
Fitheach’s bushy brows lift. ‘Haven’t you heard of the tales of Mr Treacle? We used to tell them as young priests in the Seminary back on Iona. He’s supposed to be one mean dude.’
‘So he’s made of molasses?’ Tye says.
‘I think the molasses are a metaphor for his sweet wickedness,’ Fitheach says.
Bernard mutters, ‘Don’t. You’ll make me think of the Pendle Witches again. They got plenty of sweet wickedness.’
‘Enough,’ I say. ‘Let’s go in.’
There’s no room for the horses to go into the mine because of the size of the door so we leave them tethered outside. I don’t know how long we will be but I trust them to look after themselves from wandering monsters.
We step forward into the mine doorway and there’s a glowing icon graphic of a scene change. After a momentary load-in, we’re inside the mine. Smoky oil lamps hanging on a string illuminate the rocky chamber and the string of lights leads further away down the entrance tunnel. The entrance itself is wider and higher than the tunnel, but cut out of the same black rock. The rock walls glisten strangely.
‘Look at that,’ Fitheach says, pointing at a thin stream of liquid that runs past our feet and out of the mine entrance behind. It’s not water.
Tye bends down and dabs his finger in the black liquid. ‘It’s sticky,’ he says. Then he licks his finger. ‘Molasses,’ he says. ‘Nice, but sugary.’
‘Sweet darkness,’ Fitheach mutters. ‘The most dangerous kind.’
I suppose he’s right. Bitter darkness wouldn’t be attractive, but I know from experience that sweet darkness can pull a man right in.
‘Onward then,’ I say. ‘Weapons ready.’And look out for treacle berries. Remember, we need a hundred of them.’
‘What do they look like?’ Tye asks.
‘No idea,’ Bernard says.
Nor me. I’m hoping it will be obvious.
Tye casts a Light spell and the walls sparkle even more. When I go to examine them, I see they are crusted in a crystal which Tye immediately goes forward and licks. ‘Sugar,’ he says.
‘The sweetness that lures to destruction,’ Fitheach says.
This whole mine is hollowed out of a Sugar Mountain.
‘That’s crazy,’ Bernard says.
But this is a video game. Pendle Hill can be made out of any material the game designers settle on, and in this case, it looks like Tye is right. The whole mountain seems to be made out of sugar. That must be the source of the molasses.
I see that there are the rusted rails of old tracks for ore carts. This must be how they bring out the treacle from the depths of the mine, but it doesn’t look like the mine has been used for quite a while, and the sign outside was pretty weather beaten too. Maybe Mr Treacle has closed down. If so, that should make it easier for us.
‘Weapons ready,’ I say again, because they didn’t listen to me the first time, and they all ready their different weapons. I smell the acid from Bernard’s alchemical sword as he unsheathes it. Fitheach readies his staff and Tye waggles his fingers menacingly.
The coloured flames from my sword give extra illumination. So far there’s nothing remarkable here in the mine. The witches talked about different herbs growing down here, but so far, I can’t see anything living at all, just the glittering from the sugar walls as we go deeper in.
We keep going. We come to side tunnels, but they look less used. Tye wants to venture down one.
‘Let’s stick to the main drag,’ I say. ‘We can follow the rails. Then we won’t get lost.’
Here and there are pools of molasses. It’s hard to know how deep they are. I keep imagining falling in and drowning.
We walk on and on, deeper and deeper, our feet echoing in the unnatural stillness of the treacle mine. Here and there we see delvings at the walls as if miners long past have hollowed out sugar and treacle. There are even broken tools lying around abandoned and rotted.
‘I don’t like it down here. It’s creepy,’ Tye says in a hushed voice.
‘I wish we would find berries or something soon,’ Bernard says. Even Uncle Bernard seems unnerved.
But we don’t find berries. We just keep going deeper into the abandoned treacle mine. The path has been sloping down for a while and now it becomes steeper, still tilting down.
We must be deep below Pendle Hill now as we turn a curve in the path, a sweet breeze comes up from below, sickly and cloying with sugar. It flutters the flames of my sword.
Bernard says, ‘Hey! A fern!’ He goes over to where some kind of plant is growing. I follow him. The plant looks pretty normal, and I’m pleased that at least we’ve found some vegetation. The treacle berries should be soon. I hope.
Before anyone can stop him, Tye snatches the fern and stuffs it into his mouth. He chews and says, ‘Liquorice.’
Bernard screams at the ginger mage, ‘Tye, for God’s sake, stop eating stuff you don’t recognise. You might just drop dead.’
Tye looks thoughtful. ‘Hey this has buffed me.’
I ask him what the benefit is, and he hands me the remains of the fern he has in his hand. ‘Try it.’
I look at it dubiously then back at him. He looks fine. The same stupid grin under the same mop of ginger hair. So I put the fern into my mouth.
Aha! This is better than the feeble 10% resistance Fitheach gave me. I turn to the guys. ‘Remember why the witches don’t venture down here. Whoever mobs live down this way are resistant to their enchantment magic. Collect as much as you can of the ferns and put them in your inventory. Just in case the witches try to enthrall us again.’
‘What mobs, though?’ Bernard says. ‘I haven’t seen or heard anything living down here.’
And then, from in front of us, right on cue, there’s a low growl.
‘I didn’t say that on purpose,’ Bernard says. ‘Honest, I hadn’t heard anything.’
Fitheach looks questioningly, ‘Gorrow, what is it? Is it sweet danger?’
I don’t know what it is but something’s coming our way. Something big and loud. ‘Ready weapons,’ I say for the third time.
Bernard nods. Tye stands ready and Fitheach comes to flank me on the left so we’re forming a line across the passageway. Nothing can get past us. Then three monstrous crystalline beasts appear from below. They’re roughly man-shaped but huge and ill-formed. The light from the string of oil lamps glows through them, but in a cloudy way. I don’t know what kind of crystal they’re made of but they look like golems.
‘For my God and King!’ I roar and I’m at them.
I see Bernard hack at the golem to my right. He snarls and mutters, ‘Immune to my runes. Immune to acid.’
Fitheach shoots a beam of blinding light from his fingers. It strikes the golem but doesn’t do anything. I’m guessing they’re immune to light damage too.
Tye’s face sets in a grim smile. ‘Leave this to me, guys,’ and he blasts the golems with a fireball.
There is an enormous explosion, a surge of heat and flame knocks me backwards.
I’m slammed back against the sugar wall of the mine. Thank God for the fire resist on my equipment. But what the hell happened?
Then I realise. Tye fired a fireball at the golems and then they blew me backwards. It wasn’t Tye’s fireball that hurt me, it was the resultant explosion of the golems.
There’s a haze of black choking smoke and the walls of the passage are on fire.