CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.
HOW I WAS KNOCKED DOWN BY AN AUCTIONEER, AND PICKED UP BY A COUNTRYMAN.
One day, about two years after my arrival at the pawnbroker's shop, anunusual circumstance happened to break the monotony of my unruffledexistence. This was nothing more nor less than a Clearance Sale. Imust tell you how it happened.
For a week, every night, I saw my master poring over a big account-bookin his parlour, comparing the entries in it with those of his pawn-tickets, and marking off on one list what articles had been pawned andredeemed, and on another what had been pawned and still remainedunredeemed. So lengthy and complicated a process was this that itconsumed the entire week. The next week further indications of a comingchange manifested themselves. A printer came to the office with a billfor approval, worded as follows:--
"Great Clearance Sale! The entire valuable and miscellaneous unredeemed stock of a pawnbroker will be sold by auction at the Central Mart, on Monday next, by Mr Hammer. Sale to commence at twelve o'clock precisely. Catalogues will be ready on Saturday, and may be had on application."
Thus I, and one or two of my neighbours on the shelf, read as we peepedthrough the crack at the printer's proof-sheet.
"`Entire valuable and miscellaneous unredeemed stock!' that's a good bitof writing," observed a pair of silver sugar-tongs near me; "that meansyou and me and the rest, Ticker. Who'd have thought of us getting sucha grand name!"
"Well, it strikes me we, at least I, have been lying here idle longenough," said I; "it's two years since I came here."
"Bless you, that's no time," said the tongs. "I knew a salt-spoon layonce ten years before he was put up--but then, you know, we silverthings are worth our money any time."
"Yes," said I, "we are."
The tongs laughed. "You don't suppose I meant you when I talked ofsilver things, do you?"
"Of course I am a silver watch."
"You're a bigger muff than I took you for," replied the aristocratictongs, turning his hall-mark towards me. It was humiliating. Of courseI ought to have known I was not solid silver, and had no claim to classmyself of the same metal as a genuine silver pair of tongs.
It was but one of many painful lessons I have had during my life not togive myself airs beyond my station.
These solid silver goods certainly constituted the "upper ten thousand"of our valuable and miscellaneous community. When the time came forcataloguing us all, they separated themselves from the rest of us, andformed a distinct society, having their several names recorded in fullat the head of the list.
What a scene it was the day the catalogue came to our department! Isuffered a further humiliation then by being almost entirely overlooked.A great tray of silver watches lay on the bench, brought together fromall parts of the shop; and, to my horror, I found I was not among them.
"That's the lot," said the pawnbroker.
"Very good," said the auctioneer, who was making the catalogue; "shallwe take leather bags next?"
"As you please," said my master.
"Hold hard," said the auctioneer, hastily counting the watches on thetray and comparing the number with a list he held in his hand, "there'sone short."
"Is there? I don't know how that can be."
"You've got twenty-two down here and there's only twenty-one on thetray."
The pawnbroker looked puzzled.
"Better call over the number," said the auctioneer. So my master calledout the number attached to each watch, and the auctioneer ticked it offon his list. When the last had been called, he said,--
"Where's Number 2222?"
"Ah, to be sure, that's the one," said the pawnbroker, reaching up towhere I lay, and taking me down; "this one. I'd forgotten all abouthim."
Flattering, certainly! and still more so when the auctioneer, surveyingmy tarnished and dingy appearance, said, "Well, he's not much of a showafter all. You'd better rub him up a bit, or we shan't get him off handat all."
"Very good," said the pawnbroker, and I was handed over forthwith to anassistant to be cleaned. And much I needed it. My skin was nearly asblack as a negro's, and my joints and muscles were perfectly cloggedwith dust. I had a regular watch's Turkish bath. I was scrubbed andpowdered, my works were taken out and cleaned, my joints were oiled, myface was washed, and my hands were polished. Altogether I wasoverhauled, and when I took my place on the tray with my twenty-onecompanions I was altogether a new being, and by no means the leastpresentable of the company.
How we quarrelled and wrangled, and shouldered one another on that tray!There was such a Babel of voices (for each of us had been set going)that scarcely any one could hear himself speak. Nothing butrecriminations and vituperations rose on every hand.
"Get out of the way, ugly lever," snarled one monstrous hunter watchnear me, big enough for an ordinary clock. "Who do you suppose wantsyou? Get out of the way, do you hear?"
"Where to?" I inquired, not altogether liking to be so summarilyordered about, and yet finding the excitement of a little quarrelpleasant after two years' monotony.
"Anywhere, as long as you get out of my way. Do you know I'm a hundredyears old?"
"Are you, though?" said I. "People must have had bigger pockets inthose days than they have now!"
This I considered a very fair retort for his arrogance, and left himsnorting and croaking to himself, and bullying some other littlewatches, whom, I suppose, he imagined would be more deferential to hisgrey hairs than I was.
I was not destined, however, to be left in peace.
"Who are you?" I heard a sharp voice say. Looking round, I saw acreature with a great eye in the middle of his face, and a long, lankyhand spinning round and round over his visage.
"Who are _you_, rather?" I replied.
It was evidently what he wanted, for he began at once: "I'm all thelatest improvements--compensation balance and jewelled in four holes;perfect for time, beauty, and workmanship; sound, strong, and accurate;with keyless action, and large full-dial second hand; air-tight, damp-tight, and dust-tight; seven guineas net and five per cent, toteetotalers. There, what do you think of that?"
"I think," said I, with a laugh, in which a good many others joined,"that if you're so tight as all that teetotalers had better do withoutyou."
It will be observed the scenes and company I had been in of late yearshad tended to improve neither my temper nor my manners.
In this way we spent most of the day before the auction, and it wasquite a relief early next morning to find ourselves being removed to the"Central Mart."
It was impossible, however, to resist the temptation of another quarrelin our tray while we were waiting for the sale to begin. The culprit inthis instance was a certain Queen Anne's shilling attached to the chainof an insignificant-looking watch.
"What business has that ugly bit of tin here?" asked a burly hunter.
"Who calls me an ugly bit of tin?" squeaked out the coin.
"I do; there!" said the hunter; "now what have you got to say?"
"Only that you're a falsehood. Why, you miserable, machine-made,wheezing, old make-believe of a turnip--"
"Draw it mild, young fellow," said the hunter.
"Do you know that I was current coin of the realm before the tin minethat supplied your carcass was so much as discovered? I'm a QueenAnne's shilling!"
"Are you, though? And what good are you now, my ancient Bob?"
The shilling grew, so to speak, black in the face.
"I won't be called a Bob! I'm not a Bob! Who dares call me a Bob?"
"I do, Bob; there, Bob. What do you think of that, Bob? What's the useof you, Bob, eh? Can _you_ tell the time, Bob, eh, Bob, Bob, Bob?"
And we all took up the cry, and from that moment until the time of oursale every sound, for us, was drowned in a ceaseless cry of "Bob!" inthe midst of which the unlucky Queen Anne's shilling crawled under hiswatch, and devoutly wished he were as undoubtedly dead as theillustrious royal lady whose image and supers
cription he had themisfortune to bear.
In due time the sale began. Among the earliest lots I recognised myacquaintance the solid silver sugar-tongs, which went for very nearlyhis full value, thus confirming me in my belief that, after all, there'snothing like the genuine thing all the world over.
After the disposal of the silver goods--for which comparatively fewpeople bid, and that with little or no competition--the real excitementof the auction began.
"I have here, ladies and gentlemen," said the auctioneer, "a remarkablyfine and superior lot of silver watches, all of which have beencarefully cleaned and kept in order, and which, I can safely say, areequal to, if not better than, new. In many cases the watches areaccompanied by chains of a very elegant and chaste description, whichappendages considerably enhance their value. When I inform you that wevalue the contents of this tray, at the very lowest, at L90, being anaverage of L4 per watch, you will see I am not presenting to you anyordinary lot of goods. I will put up the watches singly in the order inwhich they are described in the catalogue."
Some of the company looked as if they were not sure whether they oughtnot to say "Hear, hear!" after this very elegant and polished speech,but they restrained their admiration, and reserved their energies forthe bidding.
As I was last on the list I had full opportunity of noticing how myfellows fared, and was specially curious to see how the three or fourwatches whose acquaintance I had chanced to make went off.
The common-looking watch with the unlucky "Bob" attached to its chainwas knocked down for L3 5 shillings, which, on the whole, was a triumphto the mortified coin, for it is certain without him the lot would nothave fetched nearly so much, and his triumph was further enhanced by thefact that the hunter with whom he had had his altercation fetched onlyL2 17 shillings 6 pence. However, there was no time for jeers andrecriminations at present, we were all too deeply absorbed in watchingthe fate of our fellows and speculating on our own.
The compensation balance, keyless, air-tight, seven-guinea grandee wasthe next to be put up, and the first bid for him was L1 10s.
"That I should have lived to hear that!" I heard the poor creaturegasp.
"And if he's a teetotaler," I murmured, by way of encouragement, "thatonly means L1 8 shillings 6 pence!"
"Scoffer! be silent and leave me to my misery," said the keyless one, ina solemn tone.
The bidding improved considerably. He was run up to L2, L2 10shillings, L3, L3 10 shillings, and finally to L4.
"Nothing more for this very magnificent watch?" said the auctioneer; "Ipositively cannot let him go for a song."
No answer.
"I wish gentlemen would take the trouble to look at it," continued thepersevering official; "they could not fail to see it was worth twice themoney bid."
Still no answer.
"Did I understand you to bid four five, sir?" said the auctioneer to aninnocent-looking stripling near the door. "Thank you."
The stripling, however, disclaimed the soft impeachment, and looked veryguilty as he did so.
"Well, there seems no help for it. I wish I were down among yougentlemen. I'd take good care not to lose this chance."
No answer.
"Then I must knock it down. Going, going, gone, sir; it's yours, anddirt cheap, too."
All this was encouraging for me. If a seven-guinea watch goes for fourpounds, for how much will a three-guinea one go?
This was a problem which I feebly endeavoured to solve as I lay waitingmy turn.
It came at last. I felt myself lifted on high, and heard my meritspronounced in the words of the catalogue.
"Lot 68. London made, lever, open-face watch, capped and jewelled, invery fine order."
"Look for yourselves, gentlemen."
The gentlemen did look for themselves, and complimented me by apreliminary bid of 15 shillings.
The auctioneer laughed a pleasant laugh, as much as to say, "That is acapital joke," and waited for the next bid.
It was not long in coming, and I advanced rapidly by half-crowns tothirty shillings. Here I made sure I should stop, for this was thefigure at which the pawnbroker himself had valued me. But no; such arethe vagaries of an auction, I went on still, up to L2, and from that toL2 10 shillings. Surely there was some mistake. I looked out to seewho they were who were thus bidding for me, and fancied I detected inthat scrutiny the secret of my unexpected value.
It was a countryman bidding--endeavouring in his downright way to becomemy possessor, and wholly unconscious of the array of Jews against him,who bid him up from half-crown to half-crown until I had nearly reachedmy original value.
"Three pounds," at last said one of the Jews.
The countryman had evidently come to the end of his tether, and did notanswer the challenge.
"Three pounds," said the auctioneer; "you're not going to stop, sir?"
The countryman said nothing.
"Try once more," said the auctioneer; but the rustic was silent.
"Three pounds; no more? Going, going--"
"Guineas!" roared the countryman, at the last moment.
"Thank you, sir; I thought you were not going to be beaten. Threeguineas, gentlemen; who says more? Nobody? Going, then, to you, sir;going, going, gone!"
And so, once more, I changed masters.
The Adventures of a Three-Guinea Watch Page 18