"J.R., stop!"
J.R. stopped. "What?"
"Are we in a race all of a sudden? And what's with trying to break my hand? Did I say something wrong?"
The worry in her eyes stabbed his heart. "I'm sorry. I'm so mad at Stacy I could...well, I'm mad. I shouldn't take it out on you."
"Oh. Why are you angry with her?"
"Why aren't you?"
"Believe me, I was. I guess ten years has sort of weakened the blow." She looked vulnerable for the first time since he'd been home. "I was mad, and I didn't know what else to do but break up with you."
"She lied."
"About what?"
"About everything. I was never with her. I didn't even like her all that much. I was only nice to her because she was your friend."
"She lied?" Julianna's voice was soft and thoughtful. "You still loved me then?" A cloud flitted across her face, and she closed her eyes.
"I told you, I proposed."
"Yeah, I must be getting goofy because I don't remember a proposal."
"Did you read your yearbook?"
"Sure."
"What did you make of my comments?"
"Your comments..." Julianna repeated slowly. "I'm not sure I...oh wait, I remember. You wrote in code. I didn't even look at it until months later. But I was still upset with everything, and I never took the time to try to decipher it."
"I always wrote in code to you. Whenever I slipped you a note in the hall, it was always in code."
"Yeah, but I couldn't always figure out what you were saying." She chuckled.
"This code you could have figured out." J.R. rubbed his face. "Do you still have your yearbook?"
"It's in the trailer. But it's probably buried in the back, hiding in a box."
"Well, just for kicks, let's get it out and I'll explain it to you."
This time when he took her hand, he made sure to hold it possessively, but not too hard. They made their way back to the house, and J.R. looked forward to showing Junior his message. He wondered how soon he could make it official. Never in his life did he think that coming home to help Mama would bring him back to Junior and the hope of a life together.
As they neared the house, J.R. noticed a soft plume of smoke coming from the chimney. "Mama must have company," he said. "She never starts a fire when she's alone."
"Let's go see who's visiting."
Going in the back door, they hung their coats on the hook in the mudroom and headed for the living room. J.R. took Julianna's hand again, making a statement for anyone who wanted to pay attention. A warm, cozy fire crackled and popped as it danced behind the metal screen. Sharon laughed and looked up when they came in.
"Oh, good, you're here. I was telling Henry all the plans we have for the first floor."
Henry stood up and shook J.R.'s hand. "You've done great work here, J.R. I'm impressed. Hello, Julianna."
Julianna nodded her hello.
"Thank you, Mr. Johnson. I'm really glad I could be here to help Mama." J.R. squeezed Julianna's hand. She squeezed back, a smile pulling the corner of her mouth. He hoped Junior understood the real reason he was glad to be back.
"J.R.'s been a marvel getting all the bedrooms done," Sharon said. "I'm afraid when we do the downstairs, it'll be pretty messy for a while. But it should be finished before Thanksgiving. It will be like having a brand-new house for the holidays."
Mr. Johnson turned back to Mama. "When are you putting it on the market?"
"Right away," interrupted J.R.
"After the first of the year," said Mama at the same time.
"But Mama, I thought you were moving into the retirement home as soon as the renovation was done." J.R. was confused. Did he misunderstand her when he first arrived? Didn't she say they were holding her spot, but she had until the end of the month?
"Hidden Meadows called. That's the retirement home," she said to Henry, then turned back to J.R. "They called and said my move-in date was postponed because they had a problem with a leaky pipe, and it caused a bunch of damage. They've pushed everything back until they can get it fixed."
"Why didn't you say something?" J.R. paused. "Actually, never mind. We can discuss this later. Good to see you, Mr. Johnson. Jun...Julianna and I are going to go find a book from high school that's in her trailer somewhere."
Mama's eyes brightened. "Yes, we'll talk later J.R. You two kids go ahead."
The trailer was tiny, but warm and comfortable. He noticed she kept it clean and tidy. When she was living with the Hobson's she would always talk about having a place of her own and never living in filth again. J.R. hadn't ever stepped inside the Hobson's house. They lived on the edge of town, and Junior said she wasn't allowed to bring anyone over. They always met at his house. Well, except when they took the wheelers around Mr. Johnson's forest.
"Sit down and I'll find the yearbook."
J.R. slid onto the bench seat of the little dinette. Taking a better look around as Junior disappeared in the back, he could see the potential of living in a small space. Of course, if you had children, that wouldn't work. The idea surprised him. When did he start thinking about kids? An image of dark-haired boys and girls danced before his eyes and he clamped down on his thoughts. Too soon for that.
"Need help?" he offered. Sitting and waiting brought on too much speculation about what could lay ahead. Although, it registered in his brain that what he was waiting to show her also led to the future. At least, he hoped it did.
"No, I'm okay. I think I finally found the right box."
J.R. heard the shuffling of cartons. It was a good thing the rear bunkhouse allowed for storage.
Finally, Julianna emerged, carrying a wide, but flat shipping box marked high school. "I found it. It'll just take a second to go through the box."
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
J ulianna opened the box of high school memorabilia. Waves of memories crashed around her with every report card, old assignments with an "A" circled at the top, show programs, and piles of notes from both J.R. and Stacy. She had almost burned the notes, but at the last minute, she decided to keep all of it as a reminder of her poor choices. Now, she was glad she kept them. Although the notes from Stacy weren't worth anything to her anymore, those from J.R. were now very precious. At the bottom of the shallow box sat the old yearbook. She rubbed her hand across the front, a little nervous about opening the pages of pictures that would bring the past to life.
"Do you remember where you wrote your message?" she asked.
J.R. blinked as though he'd been deep in thought. "Uh, not really, but it shouldn't take too long to flip through the pages, right?"
Sitting down next to J.R., Julianna snuggled up to his side and set the book down on the table. Page by page they looked over the pictures of former classmates and teachers, laughing at some of the crazy stunts the photographer had captured on film. There weren't very many comments. Julianna never had a lot of friends, but in the moment of graduation, classmates who never reached out during the year—except for the possibility of group assignments—pretend they were always there for each other. The typical "have a great summer" and "on to better things" accompanied "you were always nice to me" and "hope you enjoy college." The surprise sadness that Julianna felt for missing out on getting to know some people better shook her up.
Just before the class groups, J.R. pointed to a place on the page with a bunch of letters and numbers. "Here it is."
"See, it's just random letters and numbers," she said.
"Not so," he explained. "The first part is a series of letters I put in a previous note. I figured you would recognize it. Then, the last part, the letters represent a word and the number represents the page where that word is found. I highlighted the word on that page so you would know which word I meant."
"I'm not following you."
"Look, let's go through it together."
He scooted closer, and Julianna felt like she was unlocking some big mysterious treasure.
"Okay, the firs
t letters are I-W-L-Y-F. Do you remember me writing that before?"
Julianna pulled out the bundle of notes from the box.
"You saved all my notes?"
"Yes." She didn't want to admit she had once thought to burn them or why she kept them.
"Wow. I'm sorry to admit I didn't save yours."
"It's okay. You're a guy."
J.R. grimaced. "Okay. Can you find where I wrote those letters before?"
She pulled out the notes dated closer to prom. The first one didn't have the same letters, but the second one did.
Junior,
I can't wait until school is out. I miss my dad so much, but I know when we get to college, things will get better. Mama cries a lot and it hurts to listen to her. I'm glad you're my friend and I hope one day you'll be something more. I-W-L-Y-F.
J.R.
"I remember that note. You gave it to me in Mrs. Ingall's English class. She almost confiscated it, but you went up and talked to her privately and after that, she just said to stop passing notes in class." Julianna looked over at him. "What did you say to her?"
"I don't remember. I do remember being panicked that someone else would find the note and make fun of it."
"Most of your notes you put in my locker. I always loved finding one there." She sighed. "It wasn't like you could leave it at my house."
"Can you figure out what the letters mean?"
"I. Is that 'I?'"
"Yes."
"Okay, I...want, went, will, wonder..."
"Will."
"I will...leave, like, listen..."
"Love."
"Love," she repeated, slowing her rhythm. "You told me you loved me then?"
"Well done, detective." J.R. clapped his hands softly, and gave her a loving look she remembered well. Julianna swallowed hard.
"I-will-love-you? Is that the 'Y?""
"I will love you forever." J.R. turned in his seat and cupped her chin. "I will, Julianna. I will love you forever."
Their breaths mingled. Julianna lifted her lips to his in a tentative brush against them. "I'll always love you, too."
J.R. returned her butterfly caress with a little more pressure and soon the book was forgotten, and the intensity of their kiss told the story better. Julianna lost herself in desire. She matched his ardor until she felt the frenzy of passion consume her. The heat inside her body burst, her heart beating as though it would jump out of her chest. She wanted J.R. completely. Her hands started to roam over his chest, down his arms, lower.
Instantly, J.R. broke their kiss. "Slow down, Junior." He stopped until she looked in his eyes. She saw the fire there that matched her own. "I want you, too, but not until we're official."
Embarrassed for letting their kiss hijack her self-control, Julianna could feel the blush spread over her cheeks, and she buried her face in his shirt.
"Hey," he said gently. "Don't do that. It's all good. I love you. I want you. I just want to do it right this time."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. Last week you wanted to kill me. We've made excellent progress. Let me show you the rest of the yearbook message."
"Oh, right." Julianna couldn't believe she'd been so caught up in making out with J.R. that she forgot why they were sitting at her dinette."
Turning back to the book, she said, "P-6-M-12-M-25." She laughed. "I'm supposed to understand that?"
"Well, when I wrote it, I was going to give you a key to unlocking the code and then watch you figure it out."
"Okay, what's the key?"
J.R. smiled, running his fingers through her hair. "The letter is for the word you'll find highlighted on the page number following the letter. 'P' is the first letter of the word highlighted on page six."
"Okay, give me a minute." Julianna brushed his hand away. Sitting next to him was distraction enough. Quickly turning to page six, she scanned the page and finally found a picture of a student carrying a sign that read "Red Cross Blood Drive - Please Donate." The "Please" was faintly highlighted in yellow. "Please."
"Please," J.R. repeated.
"The next word starts with 'M' and is on page twelve." Julianna turned to page twelve and began searching. It was a page of freshman head shots in alphabetical order. Looking at all the pictures, she thought she missed it when, she mentally slapped herself. She was supposed to be looking for words, not at pictures. At the bottom of the page, she saw the name Mary Davenport. The highlight of Mary's name was almost indiscernible. "Mary?"
"Well, there wasn't about to be the word M-A-R-R-Y in our high school yearbook. I worked with what I had."
"Please marry..."
"And the last letter?" J.R. prompted.
"Oh, 'M.' I'm guessing the word is 'me,' but I want to find the clue anyway."
J.R. smiled. "Page twenty-five."
Julianna's fingers flew to page 25, and she searched for the "me." There, on a poster in a photograph where all the state abbreviations were displayed, the abbreviation for Maine was highlighted. "ME."
"Please marry me, Julianna."
If the world stopped turning and everything in it fell in a rubble from the sudden stop, it couldn't compare to the way Julianna's heart shattered at that moment. The knowledge that Stacy had lied about J.R. in high school and that he still loved her swam around inside her mind and heart, but couldn't gain a footing.
There was too much J.R. didn't know, and she simply couldn't bring herself to tell him. The way she behaved after she sent him away haunted her every day, and she would never put that kind of burden on him. She did love him. She loved him too much to bring him down with this.
"I can't marry you," she said to her lap, her sadness threatening tears.
She heard his breath hitch. "You lied, and you don't love me," he said.
The dejection she heard in his voice landed like a lump of coal in her stomach. She looked up and willed him to understand. "I do love you. But we need more than that."
Hope returned as he said, "You just need more time?"
"That's such a cliché."
"Clichés are what they are because they're used a lot. They're used a lot because they're true."
Julianna closed the yearbook, now more precious to her than ever, and scooted out from the bench. "To tell you the truth, things have moved too fast for me in general. I don't understand what's going on at work, and you've only been home a little more than a week. I need to think and figure out what I want. With Mama moving out, I...I just have a lot on my plate right now."
J.R. stood as well and pulled her into his warm embrace. "I get it. I do. I never thought this would happen when I came back. I guess in the deep recesses of my heart, I always wished it would and maybe that's why I'm pushing hard now. I don't want to lose you again."
"You won't lose me." Julianna prayed fervently that was true, enjoying the feeling of protection in his arms. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Maybe we should call it a night. When is your next day off?"
"I'm not sure. Since we're two employees down and Brad is still out, I don't have a day off scheduled right now."
"That's not fair, Junior. You shouldn't have to put up with that."
Grateful the conversation had switched from their relationship to her work, she agreed. "I'll figure it out once I've had a chance to talk to Brad."
"I guess that's the best we can do for now."
Julianna smiled at his use of the term "we" and took his hand as they covered the extremely short distance to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow after work."
"I'm starting on the downstairs tomorrow. Be prepared for the place to start looking like a construction zone."
"No worries."
"I'm not giving up on us, Junior." J.R. gave her another spell-binding kiss before he walked across the grass and into the house.
Julianna dropped her chin and fought the burn in the back of her eyes. No worries. What a joke. Why couldn't love be enough? The temptation to marry J.R. and not tell him what she'd done pulled at h
er mind. But she knew if she did that, it would come back and bite her one day. Somehow, he would find out and then he would hate her. She couldn't bear to see that day come. She turned off the lights. One tear escaped down her cheek and she crawled into her bed, not even bothering to change into her pajamas or brush her teeth.
The next morning, Julianna showed up for work before her scheduled time to make up for leaving early the day before. It wasn't that anyone really cared. She did it for her own conscience. She didn't want anyone to be able to accuse her of slacking. When she realized by mid-morning that Brad still wasn't coming in, her heart sank. By the time he showed up, her fury would be gone, and she probably wouldn't even confront him; water under the bridge and all that. Still, the confusion she felt over his lies and pressing her to come back to work when she had earned her vacation time wouldn't let up. She didn't care about his reason to be gone. It was all just bad timing. She wanted to be with J.R. working on the house.
During her morning break, Julianna scoured the local paper for housing options. The trailer was fine, but it didn't make a good permanent home. Without access to a full-size kitchen, bathroom, and laundry facilities, the trailer would lose its charm quickly.
Mama's delay putting the house on the market until after the first of the year would give her extra time to find the right place. She had a little money saved, enough for a first and last month's rent. Yet what she could afford every month didn't amount to much. She didn't have any furniture of her own. Mama told her she could have whatever she wanted in the house. She wouldn't need it in the retirement home. Everything else would be sold.
Cooper Springs was too small for there to be much in the way of apartments, and Julianna wasn't interested in renting a house. She broadened her search to include all the surrounding towns within a thirty-mile radius. Still, the pickings were meager. Maybe Pastor Doug would have an idea for her. That thought perked her up a little as she went back to her station.
When J.R. came into the store shortly after noon, she smiled. She might not feel right marrying him, but she loved his company. His grin covered his whole face when he approached her station with a pack of gum.
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