by Mandy Baggot
‘Do you think I’m crazy?’ Lara asked, turning to look at him.
‘No,’ he said. ‘I wish everyone who came up here really looked at things the way you do.’ He took a breath. ‘And I think we should shout.’
‘What?’
‘I think we should do it, just like you said.’ He grinned at her. ‘We should shout out, “Hey, New York! I’m here! And I want to be a part of it!”’
Lara laughed. ‘Now I think you’re crazy.’
‘It was your idea.’ He nudged her arm with his.
‘I know but I said I wanted to do it. I didn’t say I was going to do it.’
‘Why wouldn’t you? If you want to then you should,’ he told her. ‘We should.’
‘But …’
‘What’s holding you back?’
‘Everything my dad told me about being seen and not heard.’
‘And have you always done what your parents have told you?’
‘Parent,’ Lara corrected.
‘Your mom passed away?’ Seth asked softly.
‘No,’ Lara said, shaking her head. ‘She left. Probably because I did too much of the “being heard” part.’
‘I don’t believe that.’
‘My dad says I used to sing the instrumental parts to songs at the social club and it drove everyone crazy.’ She sighed. ‘Who knew nobody likes a lip-saxophone solo.’
Seth lowered his voice. ‘Well, all those people are thousands of miles away now.’
She smiled at him. ‘That’s true.’
‘OK then,’ Seth said. ‘Let’s shout it out together. Let’s hold onto the fence and speak to the Big Apple.’
He watched her put her fingers around the metal of the barricade and take a steadying breath, hair buffeting around her cheeks.
‘After three,’ Seth said. ‘One … two … three!’
They shouted in unison. ‘Hey, New York! I’m here! And I want to be a part of it!’
She laughed, looking at him with wide, excited eyes, her hot breath expelling into the cold air, snowflakes in her dark crop of hair. He smiled. ‘That felt pretty good to me.’
‘Me too,’ she answered. ‘Really good.’ She looked over her shoulder, to the other tourists taking in the sights. ‘And no one’s called the NYPD yet.’
‘No,’ he replied. His heart was doing something a little out there as he looked at her. Could it be that the chest wig glue had seeped through his skin and was causing a cardiac event? His thoughts and feelings were rushing through his veins like they desperately needed to come out. Why now? Why here? With Lemur Girl?
‘I’m adopted,’ Seth found himself saying.
‘Oh! Wow! I didn’t know that,’ Lara responded immediately. ‘Did you know that?’
‘Yes … I mean, my parents – Kossy and Ted – they told me when I was twelve and I was cool with it. Kind of cool with it. After I’d gotten into the idea. But after I auditioned for this part, I found I wanted to know more.’
‘And do you?’ Lara asked, looking at him with an intrigued expression. ‘Do you know more? Are you going to find out who your real parents are? Do you already know? Are you going to meet them?’
‘I … don’t know.’ He still didn’t.
‘Oh.’
‘I’m not sure how much I want to know. I’m a little apprehensive.’
‘Scared, you mean?’
‘Maybe,’ he admitted.
‘What of? Not looking for them isn’t going to change who they are. It’s just going to stop you knowing who they are.’
She made it sound so simple. The clarity she brought to things was totally refreshing. No one talked straight in his world, not agents or casting directors, definitely not Trent, and, it seemed, neither did his mom.
‘My mom, Kossy, she found a photo of my birth mom at the shelter.’
‘Well, what are we waiting for?’ Lara asked, stepping away from the vista. ‘I want to see what she looks like, so you must be bursting to!’
‘Yeah,’ Seth admitted. ‘I am.’
‘Well, let’s go,’ Lara ordered. ‘Plus, this bag right here is full of scarves and hats. Susie thinks they’re all for me but there’s something for everyone I met last night. The orange is going to look so great on Earl and there’s this turquoise one I got for Felice and one with sparkly bits for Mad Maggie.’
Seth shook his head. ‘You bought everyone a gift?’
‘I know they hate charity … but I’ll tell them it was to stop Susie from making me buy a handbag I didn’t need, which it was.’
‘Are you sure you’re done with the view?’ Seth asked her.
‘Done for now,’ Lara admitted, taking one last lingering look. ‘I want to get back down into the heart of it.’ She grinned. ‘And be a part of it, remember?’
‘You’re going to regret not having coffee!’ Susie called, as she walked over to join them, large paper coffee cup warming her fingers as the snow fell around her. ‘This one has chocolate pieces and caramel.’ She stopped short of the fence and its view. ‘I’ll drink it from here.’
‘We’re going down now,’ Lara told her. ‘Seth is going to take you to meet some of the people I met last night.’
‘Oh really?’ Susie said.
‘You didn’t really think I bought all these scarves and hats for me, did you?’
Twenty-Four
The Chapel Shelter, W 40th Street
The shelter was an old church. Lara hadn’t been expecting that. She didn’t know quite what she had been expecting but it wasn’t the large, slightly tired, ecclesiastical-looking building they had entered, leaving the snowy streets behind. Inside was pure upheaval. There were Christmas decorations being fixed up around the main part of the room – people on stepladders tussling with tinsel and strings of stars – another group painting at easels while an instructor issued directions and there were three men lying, seemingly asleep, on crash mats in one corner. Lara swallowed, a little overwhelmed by the scene. She was half glad that Susie had turned down the shelter visit to hook up with David instead. This place was no Macy’s.
‘You OK?’ Seth asked.
‘Yeah, of course,’ Lara answered. ‘It’s … thriving.’
Seth laughed, leading her purposefully past the chaos of decorating and would-be artists. ‘This is quiet,’ he replied. ‘It’s the evenings when it really picks up. People come in for the bed ballot.’
‘The bed ballot?’ Lara queried.
‘This is one of the larger centres in this area, but there’s still not enough beds for the number of people who need them.’ He sighed. ‘Names go in a hat, people drawn out get a bed.’
‘That’s … no fun.’ She didn’t really know what to say.
‘Yeah, it still gets to my mom every single day.’
‘Remember, everybody,’ the instructor at the head of the room announced. ‘I’m not looking for just a tree. I am looking for the tree’s true essence!’
Lara looked at the easels as she walked by. She wasn’t sure where she would begin in drawing the essence of a tree. Most had drawn Christmas trees with bright baubles and stars at their top, one woman had drawn a dancing hot dog, while a man no taller than three feet had sketched a frighteningly good caricature of Hillary Clinton.
‘Want to join the art class?’ Seth asked her.
Lara shook her head. ‘We don’t all have skills with pencils.’
‘Come on,’ he urged. ‘Let’s take Mom the scarves. She’ll know where everyone is.’
Seth led her through a door at the end of the hall and down a corridor into another space that looked like a canteen. There were people eating at long wooden tables, still dressed in their coats and hats, most shivering, noses dripping, coughing in between mouthfuls of what smelled like chicken soup. Behind a wire mesh with a padlocked door was a kitchen area, two people in hats and plastic gloves tending to giant pots on the stove. Then, passing across that room, they went along another corridor, finally reaching a bright red door. Seth knocked bef
ore opening it.
‘Hey, Mom.’
‘What are you doing here already?’ Kossy leapt up from her desk, knocking over a stack of paperwork, of which there was plenty. The whole room looked like one big filing tray with piles of papers on every surface.
‘I—’ Seth began.
‘I told you to text me when you were coming. I bet they haven’t finished the Christmas decorations, have they? I bet the essence of tree pictures aren’t done either. And it’s … wow, almost four p.m. I don’t know where the day’s gone. Do you know where the day’s gone?’ Kossy finally stopped talking just as she got out and around from her desk. She exclaimed, hands going to her mouth. ‘Lara!’
‘Hello, Mrs Hunt.’
‘Kossy. Just Kossy, honey, I don’t want to appear older than I already feel. Everyone calls me Kossy, don’t they, Seth?’
‘Except me,’ he admitted.
‘Yes, well, that’s different and I’m not sure I’m deserving of the mom mantle right now …’ Kossy stopped talking a little abruptly and Lara watched a look pass between mother and son.
‘It’s OK, Mom,’ Seth said. ‘I told Lara about … Candice.’
‘You did?’
‘We went to the Empire State Building,’ Lara said. ‘And howled at the city.’
‘Well, everybody needs a good howl every now and then. Especially when you have three staff off sick and more guests than ever.’ She made it sound like she was in charge of a luxury hotel.
Lara held up her Macy’s bag of goodies. ‘I bought some stuff. Something for Earl and Felice and Maggie and anyone else who needs it.’
‘You did?’ Kossy said, stepping nearer to Lara. ‘From Macy’s!’
‘Well, it’s a long story, but it’s a credit card purchase I had to make for so many reasons.’
‘OK, then,’ Kossy said. ‘Let’s get you two some coffee and we’ll see who’s around. Just so you know, we never see Earl before dark. He plays a ukulele for change in Lower East Side. And Felice has a new boyfriend.’ Kossy raised her eyes. ‘I’m not sure he’s the best influence, but I’m not her mom so …’
‘Did you say coffee?’ Seth asked.
‘Without caramel and chocolate bits, if I could,’ Lara said.
‘Honey, the only time you’ll get caramel and chocolate bits in here is unintentionally … probably outta someone’s beard.’
‘Great,’ she answered. ‘Thanks. Not a fan of extra toppings of any sort, unless it’s pizza then anything goes.’
‘Atta girl. You can come over again,’ Kossy replied, putting her arm around Lara’s shoulders.
Twenty-Five
Seth couldn’t quite believe he was looking at the woman who had given birth to him. Sitting in the main room while someone gave a class on contraception, he held the old photo a little closer. He really did need to go back to wearing his glasses. The dark-haired woman in the picture seemed so young, so not ready for motherhood, which of course she hadn’t been. He ran a finger over her dark hair. She was standing alongside three other people, two other women and a man, who were smiling at the camera with their lips and their eyes. If he hadn’t known this photo was taken at a shelter he would have thought they were just young people getting ready for a night out. Candice’s clothes weren’t shabby or worn. She was wearing a maroon velvet dress and high stiletto shoes. The outfit of her trade, he guessed. He swallowed.
‘You OK?’ Kossy sat down into the seat next to him.
‘Yeah,’ he answered quickly. He wasn’t, not really. He was as mixed up as a person could be. His whole existence up in the air and unknown.
‘I couldn’t believe it when Bernadette found this photo almost straight off. You know the state of things around here. So much paper. Not enough time.’ Kossy looked at the picture herself, taking a deep breath in. ‘She was pretty, don’t you think?’
He didn’t know what he thought. It was so hard, looking at this young woman knowing that she was his mother. He knew she would be older now, perhaps looking more mom-like, but here, back in time, she was so much younger than him, a teenager. It felt odd knowing that sometime, maybe only a few months from when this photograph was taken, she had had a baby. Him. And, maybe someone else too …
‘She has dark hair.’ Was that all he could muster up to say?
‘Yeah,’ Kossy answered. ‘And your eyes.’
This felt so difficult, he was uneasy. Why was he uneasy? This was what he had decided he wanted. But seeing her image made it all the more real. She was a person now, not just a name … and she apparently had his eyes.
‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘I know.’ Kossy took his hand. ‘If it helps, and I’m sure it doesn’t, I don’t know what to say either.’ She paused. ‘Particularly after last night …’
‘Do you really think there could have been another baby?’ Seth said bluntly. He raised his head from the photo to look at his mom.
‘I don’t know.’ Kossy’s voice wavered a little. ‘After she ran off, after I realised the other hat was there, I checked the garbage, the alleyways either side of here and there was nothing. I called child protection services. I did all the right things, Seth, I promise you.’
‘I know you did.’ Seth never had any doubt of that. His mom did the right thing. She always had. ‘You think, if there was another baby, that she took it with her?’
‘No,’ Kossy said immediately, but he caught her swallow. ‘No, I don’t think that.’
‘But it’s possible. I mean, maybe it wasn’t that she couldn’t cope with a baby. Maybe it was she couldn’t cope with two babies.’
‘Seth …’
‘No, it’s OK. I mean … I don’t know anything about her. You don’t know that much about her either. We’re hanging on guesswork and maybes.’ And that would always be the case unless he did something about it.
‘So, what happens next?’ Kossy sounded almost scared of how he would answer.
‘I don’t know,’ he admitted, sighing. ‘I’m still kinda processing.’
‘OK,’ Kossy said. ‘But, Seth, you know, I’m here for you. Whatever you need.’
‘I know,’ Seth answered. He put the photo down on the table.
‘And I see Lara is too.’ Kossy nodded to the other side of the room where Lara was chatting to Felice. The homeless girl was toying with a turquoise woollen beanie. ‘What’s happening there?’
‘We are …’ Seth started. How did he begin to explain it to his mom? ‘She is … that is … I’m showing her a little of the city while she’s over here from England … her and her friend Susie, who was with us but had a date with her guy so …’
‘OK,’ Kossy said, her eyebrows raising. She got to her feet. ‘Take her to Bryant Park.’
‘The Christmas market?’
‘It’s a shopper’s paradise and there’s the ice skating. It’s the true New York at Christmas.’
At that second, his phone vibrated, and he quickly drew it out of the pocket of his pants. It was a message from Trent.
You should be loving me right now. The casting director for A Soul’s Song has a dinner reservation at Cafe Cluny tonight at eight. Do not ask how I know this. I can’t come with you I have filming for the nuts ad involving a gorilla. If you want this … make it happen!
‘Bad news?’ Kossy asked.
‘No,’ Seth said at once. ‘It could be good news.’ If he managed to down a shot of bravery.
‘Take the photo,’ Kossy said, pushing it towards him. ‘And I’ll do my best this afternoon to find any other information we hold in the shelter.’ She nodded, like she was finally, truly accepting the situation.
‘Thanks, Mom.’
‘So, this hat,’ Felice said, inspecting it with her fingers, almost as if she didn’t believe it was real. ‘Is this because you’re rich and I have nothing?’
‘Oh, Felice, get over yourself,’ Lara said with a laugh. ‘I’m not rich and I hear you’ve got a boyfriend.’ That was more than she had right now. He
r boyfriend, if he was still her boyfriend, was festive shopping with someone who ate men for breakfast and probably brunch too …
‘He plays guitar,’ Felice said, finally putting the hat on her head.
‘In a band? What band? I’m loving the Brothers Osborne at the minute.’
‘He just plays, you know, for people, on the street.’
‘He and Earl should make a band.’
‘Earl can’t really play the ukulele, you know.’ Felice used a nearby window as a mirror, going on tiptoes to see her reflection over the inch of snow settling outside on the ledge. ‘He just plucks a few strings and people feel sorry for him.’
‘At least he’s doing something,’ Lara said.
‘What?’
‘Well, in the city closest to my village we have some homeless people and they just make a nest out of blankets and sit there. At least Earl’s trying to be productive even if he isn’t any good.’
‘Wow,’ Felice said. ‘You really do tell it like it is.’
‘Doesn’t everyone?’
‘OK, so you’re real fresh and ready to be taken advantage of by everyone.’
‘I just think that you have to make the best of things, no matter what your situation. We all have shit times, don’t we?’
‘Oh yeah,’ Felice agreed. ‘This morning I was so hungry I ate something that smelt real bad from the alleyway behind a Chinese. What did you eat today?’
Now Lara felt guilty. ‘Pizza,’ she answered. ‘At Macy’s.’
‘Yeah, now who’s having the shit time?’
Lara put her hands to Felice’s hat and adjusted it slightly. ‘Well, now you have a new hat and it isn’t a pity present, I actually bought it to entertain my friend, and it’s gone on my credit card which is perilously close to never being able to be used again.’
‘First world problems.’ Felice yawned. ‘And you’re hooked up with that god over there.’
Seth had got up from sitting with Kossy and was helping a short woman wind Christmas lights around the top of a bookcase.