by Tracy Wolff
“You know you can’t send my team back out. We just got home from a two-month deployment. Davis’s wife is having a baby in three weeks and Anna’s mom is in the middle of chemotherapy—”
“We’ve called in Team Four to go with you.”
Shock ricocheted through her. “That’s Mike’s team.”
“Is that a problem?” Her boss’s voice tightened up.
“It might be for Mike—and the rest of his team. They aren’t going to want to report to me.” Especially since she and Mike had a very bad, very public breakup three months before.
“Mike knows you’re the best choice for this job, Steward.”
“Yes, but—” Her protests died in her throat. She was the best choice for this outbreak—or at least she would be if she could get her head on straight. And yes, Mike and his team probably knew it. That didn’t mean there wasn’t going to be some hostility on their part. She and Mike ran things differently and team loyalty and cohesion was a big factor in cases like these.
Still, it was past time to put on her big-girl panties and deal. Mike’s team would just have to do the same.
“I want Julian,” she said, naming the CDC’s top field doctor in infectious bleeding diseases.
“He’s flying in from Haiti. He might actually beat you to Eritrea.”
“Good. I also want Frieda and Van.” They, too, were the cream of the CDC’s Epidemic Intelligence Officer crop.
“I’ll get them for you. Any other requests?”
“Sam and Violet.” She named her two favorite microbiologists.
“Violet’s in Alaska, but Sam’s available.”
“He’ll have to do, then.”
“On the plus side, you’ll be meeting up with Pierre La Font’s team from WHO.”
Kara pursed her lips in a silent whistle, wondered what it was Paul wasn’t telling her. It wasn’t coincidence that they were bringing in the heaviest hitters in the industry for this job—herself included.
“You’re going to have to coordinate with him, Steward, so make sure not to step on too many of his toes, okay?”
“I’m not the one who has trouble playing nice in the sandbox. You know that and I know that. My counterpart at the WHO has a different outlook on the matter.”
“Of course he does.”
Even as they joked, the panic coalesced in her stomach, turning into a deep and churning sickness. Five years ago she would have leaped at the chance for this assignment. Hell, she probably would have been vibrating with excitement over it even two years ago. But right now it seemed a lot more like a punishment than a reward, a lot more like she was heading into hell rather than being given the prime assignment of her career.
If this thing was a mutated Ebola, changing its infection patterns, then this was it. This was her smallpox. Her hepatitis. Her AIDS. This was the case epidemiologists waited their whole career for and few ever got the chance to see.
So why did she feel like throwing up? She wasn’t afraid. She knew how to be careful, how to protect herself. But just the idea of going into Eritrea, of dealing with all the problems there—caused by this disease as well as centuries of war, famine and neglect—made her sick. She didn’t want to hurt anymore. Didn’t want to get knee-deep into this thing only to be pulled out before she could help, really help.
She knew she didn’t have it in her to walk away in the middle of this thing. Not again. Knowing she could help but being unable to do so would crush her completely.
Beside her Lucas stiffened, aware of her distress. Somehow it only made things worse. It was bad enough to admit to yourself you were a coward, but to have your best friend know made it different, somehow. Worse.
“You still there, Kara?”
The fact that her boss had called her by her first name told her that, not only was Lucas aware she was a basket case, Paul had a pretty good clue, as well. There wasn’t much softness in Paul, so if even he was questioning her mental health…
“Yeah, I’m here, Paul.”
There was another pause, this time on his side. “You okay to go, Kara?”
The sudden doubt in his voice had her straightening her spine and toughening up her own voice. She wasn’t even close to being okay, but it wasn’t as though she had a choice. Not if she wanted to be able to look herself in the mirror tomorrow. Those people needed help.
“I’m perfectly fine and definitely ready to go.”
Lucas let go of her hand, made a sound of disgust deep in his throat. She glanced over at him and caught the disapproving look on his face before he could banish it. It made her panic worse, but she refused to let herself be swayed by it.
With Lucas looking on like that, she knew there was no way she’d be able to finish her discussion with her boss. She turned her back on him and walked a few steps away.
“I’ve got this,” she continued, forcing steel into a reassurance that she was far from feeling. “But you have to promise me that barring a full-on revolution, you’re not going to pull me out in the middle of this.”
“Steward—”
“No, Paul. I mean it.” She put it in terms she knew he would understand. “This is the case I’ve been waiting my whole career for. You can’t put me down in the middle of it and then pull me out when it’s convenient for you. I can’t work like that. I won’t work like that.”
“You’ll work how I tell you to work!” he snapped, but then his voice softened. “Look, I know what happened in Somalia was bullshit, but you have to get past it. Eritrea is a whole different game.”
She wanted to laugh, but nothing was funny. Eritrea and Somalia, Ethiopia and Sudan, they were all the same game. All different sides of the same dice. And the Western world had spent the better part of two centuries rolling that dice just to see what number would come up. She was a fool to think this would be any different, but she had to. She had to believe it or there was no way she’d be able to get on that airplane.
Her prolonged silence must have made Paul nervous, because his voice was hesitant when he asked, “Steward? Are you still there? I didn’t lose you, did I?”
For long seconds she considered not answering, just letting the call drift away. But then where would she be? Where would any of them be?
“I’m still here.”
“Good. Okay, then, I’ll see you at ten. In the meantime, I’m going to put pressure on the Eritrean government to give me all the stats and info they have.”
“Which won’t be much.”
“No. But I’ll try to have a decent report together for you by the time you take off.”
“Thank you.”
“I should be thanking you. And Steward…”
She braced herself for words of comfort she didn’t know if she could handle hearing. “Yes?”
“Don’t screw up out there.”
She laughed. She should have known better than to think Paul had gotten in touch with his softer side.
“I’ll do my best.”
She hung up the phone and dropped it back into her bag. Then just stood for a minute gazing out into the night.
She wasn’t ready to look at Lucas. She didn’t know if it was because of that strange, magical kiss they’d shared minutes before or whether it was because he could so easily see through her. She’d thought she’d shored up her defenses pretty well before seeing him, but in one evening he’d shattered them and had her blubbering like a baby. She was afraid if she turned to face him now it would be an instant replay,
and she couldn’t take that. She’d already cried all over him like some kind of high-maintenance whiner. Doing it twice in one evening was just a bad idea.
Besides, if she faced him, she’d have to think of something to say and right now her mind was blank.
Lucas didn’t seem to be suffering from the same affliction, though. “Ebola?” he asked. “A mutant strain of Ebola?”
“Maybe. We don’t know yet. I probably shouldn’t have had that conversation in front of you.”
“Yeah, because I’m going to go blabbing to the whole medical community about this.” He clasped her elbow, and when she still didn’t face him, he placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her until there was no place else for her to look but into his eyes.
“You really think you’re in shape to do this kind of thing?” he demanded. “This isn’t a simple assignment, Kara. If you take it, you’re in it for the long-term and you know it.”
“It’s not a choice, Lucas. I’m the one Paul assigned. I have to go.”
Lucas cursed then, something low and vile and violent. “You know that’s not true. You can beg off if you want to. You just got back, for God’s sake. You need time to rest, to get your head back in the game. Hell, you were just talking about leaving the CDC.”
“Yes, talking about it. I hadn’t decided yet—and I still haven’t. Until I do, I follow Paul’s orders. Anyway, my head is already in the game, thank you very much. I can do this. I have to do this, and you telling me I’m not up for it only undermines me.”
“You know I think you’re brilliant. That’s not the point—”
“It is exactly the point,” she snapped. Then relented with a sigh. “Please, let’s not do this. Is flying out barely forty-eight hours after I got back an ideal situation? Not at all. I know it. Paul knows it. And it actually goes against protocol. But emergencies happen and this is what I do. I’m the best suited to go. And none of us wants to be sitting here in six months, looking at a worldwide Ebola epidemic because the CDC didn’t send in the right people.”
She bent down, picked up her shoes. “Now, if you could take me home, I would greatly appreciate it.”
For long seconds Lucas didn’t answer and she was just beginning to wonder if she was going to have to catch a cab when he said, “Come on. Let’s go.”
He started toward the exit without waiting for her—which was a totally un-Lucas thing to do. It illustrated just how angry and frustrated he was with her. Which bothered her, but it wasn’t like there was anything she could do about it. Frankly, she had other, more pressing things to worry about.
They walked back up the hill without ever finding the swings, and the trip up the large grassy knoll was a lot less fun than the one down had been. Especially with Lucas grim faced and angry beside her. She wanted to call him on it. To ask him why he was getting himself so worked up. But that strange and powerful kiss had made her shy with him, had turned the easy camaraderie they’d always shared into something stiff and awkward.
As they walked, Kara waited for him to say something to break the silence. But he didn’t say a word. Not as they hiked the hill, not as they climbed the fence—though this time he gave her a boost—and not as they walked down the nearly empty streets of downtown.
It was sixty degrees out and she was still wearing his jacket, but she couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this cold.
By the time Lucas paid the valet and held the car door open for her—all without saying a word—she was fuming. And more hurt than she wanted to admit.
This was why she never opened herself up to people, she seethed. Why she never let them in. Because the first time you did, the first time you started to take for granted the fact that they would always be there for you, you did something they didn’t like and they pulled away. Locked you out.
It had happened her entire life. When her mom would get angry she would shut down, withholding her affection until Kara fell into line. And after her mom died and she’d been forced to return to her dad’s house during college vacations, she’d learned that her father’s love was only as deep as her latest accomplishment. Why she’d expected better from Lucas, she didn’t know.
Because he was her friend, a voice whispered in the back of her head. Because he’d always been there for her. But now, the second she’d broken the unwritten rules that governed their relationship—she’d kissed him and cried all over him in one night—he was pulling back. Getting angry the moment she had the nerve to do something he didn’t like.
The worst part was that it hurt. A lot. Because she hadn’t been expecting it. Because she’d broken her own rules over the years and had learned to trust Lucas implicitly. And yet here she was, here they were, right back where a part of her had always known they’d end up.
Once in front of her house, she barely waited for him to stop the car before she was opening the door and lunging for her front porch. “Thanks,” she called over her shoulder. “I’ll…call you when I get back.”
She just needed to get inside. If she made it inside her front door without letting him see how hurt she was, everything would be fine. She had a lot to do and very little time to do it in. Once he was gone, she wouldn’t even have time to think about him.
But she’d barely opened the door when he caught up with her. “What the hell is this?”
Her anger got the better of her. “Oh, so you do talk,” she said snidely.
His teeth ground together, his eyes shooting sparks of rage straight through her. She gave as good as she got, then muttered through her own clenched jaw, “I think it’s time for you to go.”
“Yeah, because that’s really going to happen.”
“Lucas—”
“Don’t start, Kara. I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to talk about this. And if you still decide to go, you’ll need a ride to the CDC.”
“Still decide to go? I am going, and I can get myself to work just fine, thank you. I’ve been doing it for the last ten years of my life without any problems.”
“Damn it, Kara. You don’t always have to be so independent. Can’t you see that I’m worried about you?”
Of course he was. St. Lucas, worried about everyone. She hurt a little inside hearing the words. Not because she was upset that he cared, but because everything had changed between them in the space of one evening.
She never should have cried. For seventeen years their friendship had been based on the fact that she didn’t need him. Lucas didn’t mind being needed—by his mother, his sister, his girlfriends, his patients. He thrived on it, really. But at the same time, her independence helped him put distance between himself and the demanding women in his life.
There’d never been any need for distance between Kara and Lucas—at least not before tonight. And she was smart enough to know that it wasn’t the kiss—it was what had come before it. Now, here he was, feeling like he had a right to tell her what to do. Somehow she’d become just another woman who needed him to save her.
“Look,” she finally told him as she stepped into the house. “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need it.”
He followed her in. “You’re not thinking clearly—”
She whirled on him, got in his face. “Don’t tell me how I’m thinking. I was upset earlier. That doesn’t make me less competent. I don’t need you to save me, Lucas.”
“Is that what you think I want to do? Save you?”
“It sure looks that way to me.”
�
�Well, then, you don’t know a damn thing, do you?”
CHAPTER FIVE
THEIR ANGRY WORDS ECHOED in Kara’s foyer, bouncing off the walls and making him want to tear his hair out. What had gotten into her? One minute he was trying to help her deal with the fact that her job was a nightmare and the next minute she was kissing him. And the minute after that she was accepting an assignment to head right back into a hot zone. And not just any hot zone—no, not for Kara. She was heading straight into Ebola hell and wouldn’t even acknowledge that it was a bad idea. He just wanted her to admit—
What? he asked himself angrily. What exactly did he want from Kara? For her to break down again and admit that the idea of going to Eritrea scared the hell out of her? God knows, it scared the shit out of him. Normally she seemed so indestructible, but listening to her heartache, holding her while she cried…it had gotten to him. Really gotten to him, in a way few things did anymore. She seemed so much more vulnerable now than she ever had before.
Add in that bizarre, mind-blowing kiss they’d just shared and he couldn’t quite get his mind around any of this.
If someone had told him three hours ago that they’d be here, nose to nose, both of them spoiling for a fight, he would have thought that person was insane. Not that he and Kara never fought—of course they did. She had a redhead’s temper and he was as stubborn as they came. But none of their previous fights had this bruised quality, this resentment simmering right below the surface.
And he might not know much about what the hell was going on, but he knew this. He didn’t want Kara to head out with things like this between them. Who knew how long it would be before he’d get the chance to see her again?
Blowing out a huge breath, he bit the bullet and lied to her for the first time in all the years he’d known her. “I’m sorry.”
The look in her eye turned from furious to confused and for long seconds she didn’t answer. “That’s it?” she asked finally.