“You can go without me,” he said gently. There was nothing shy or reclusive about Pascale, and he knew she would shine at the wedding, and probably upstage the bride. “I need to spend some time with my daughters.”
“Fine. Then bring them to Ramatuelle some other weekend. Or we can go to the château with them.”
“They don’t know about you yet,” he reminded her.
“When are you going to tell them? When our son goes to college, so they can attend his graduation? You should tell them. They’ll be excited to have a baby brother,” she said naively.
“It’s not as simple as that, and you know it.” He had explained it to her before. He had unlimited patience with her, almost as though she were a child too, which she was to him, or it seemed that way at times. He was twenty years older. He found her childish side charming most of the time, but not always. “We were premature with the baby, before they even met you. And I’m still married to their mother. It makes introducing them to you now difficult. They don’t have time to get used to the idea of us.” She was suddenly very visibly pregnant in the last two weeks. “This isn’t the example I want to set for them. And it will be hard for them to understand. Everything has happened so fast.” They had no plans to marry. Pascale didn’t believe in marriage, like much of her generation, and her own parents hadn’t been married. She didn’t see marriage as a necessity, or even desirable. And she saw nothing wrong with having a baby out of wedlock, which was not what he wanted to teach his children. But it was a fact of his life now, and it would be difficult to explain to them.
“For your age, you act like we live in the Middle Ages. People don’t get married to have babies anymore. No one I know does,” she said blithely.
“Some people still do. Their mother and I did. At their ages now, I’m not happy to demonstrate alternate lifestyles to them. I don’t want them doing this one day. And they’ll be upset for their mother.”
“Don’t be such a prude,” she said, smiling at him, and slowly unzipping his trousers. The languid sensual way she did it, and slipped her hand inside them, drove him insane, which was how it had all started. He was a gentleman and wouldn’t have accused her of it, but she had seduced him while they were working on the film together. She had flirted with him shamelessly until he could no longer resist her, although he had tried at first. She wanted him, and he had found her naked in his bed one night, waiting for him. It was beyond his abilities to refuse her, and he thought it would just be a lark while they were on location. Their passion had overcome reason, and a few times, they had been careless about protection. And the lark had turned serious when she got pregnant. Then he had lost his mind in Cannes, and momentarily forgot he was married. But the baby would have outed them anyway. It didn’t bother Pascale at all to be having a baby, unmarried. What bothered her was that he was still halfway living with Nadia, and was still emotionally attached to her, which he had told Pascale. He wasn’t willing to drop everything for a girl who took relationships as lightly as she did, even if they were having a baby. He had risked enough. And he was sure that she had no idea what she was getting into, or the ramifications of it. Her life was about to change forever, even if her mother was going to take care of the baby and keep it in Brittany with her. Pascale would be as free as before, but she still had a responsibility to her child, she couldn’t totally ignore it. She was planning to do exactly what her mother had with her.
His life had already changed far more than hers. And he had far more at risk.
Pascale was still hanging out with her friends, going to parties, smiling for the press, showing off her round belly. Her mother had been an actress of little note, her father had disappeared when she was born and she’d never met him. She had had a very loose upbringing among her mother’s boyfriends, and had been brought up by her grandmother most of the time. She had lost her virginity at fourteen. And it wasn’t lost on him that in being with him, she was sleeping with one of the producers of the movie, which was a good career move for her. Pascale kept her eye on her career, and knew how to get where she wanted. It had worked well for her so far, and luckily for her, she had talent and was a major star now at twenty-two. He couldn’t imagine her settling down for many, many years. Pascale was not planning to alter her life significantly after the baby. But she wanted Nicolas at her side, as much as possible, for as long as they wanted to be together, however long or short that was. She wanted Nicolas with her, not to care for her during the pregnancy, but to have a good time. And she’d had an easy pregnancy so far.
For the first few weeks of their affair, he thought it was just a fling, and then he believed he was in love with her when she told him about the baby. He was attached to her, but he was even more so to his wife and family. He was sexually addicted to Pascale, and he knew the difference now. He was giving himself three months to get over her, by the time the baby was born, but he wasn’t ready to leave her yet. It was awkward that their affair had become so public. He had no idea if Nadia would ever take him back and be willing to continue their marriage. It didn’t look that way at the moment, and with every passing day it seemed less likely, which had begun to panic him. The press continued to add insult to injury. He didn’t want to let Pascale add to that. He doubted that she really loved him. He was the father of her child, and her lover, but that was as far as it went for her. Like most of the actresses Nicolas knew, she was only interested in herself, and oblivious to the impact and the consequences for him. Nadia was a woman of integrity and courage. Pascale was an entirely different breed. She was narcissistic and amoral, and even now, her appeal for him was mostly physical. She was the sexiest woman he’d ever met. He had lost his mind temporarily, but he was certain now he didn’t want to lose his marriage because of their affair.
“I want to be in Saint Tropez with you in August, when it’s fun. We can go to your château in September,” Pascale insisted, it sounded dull to her, with no social life in the area and nothing to do. She wasn’t anxious to spend much time at the château and miss time in Saint-Tropez. And in September, she couldn’t go far anyway, a month before her due date. The people he knew who lived near his château, in lives similar to his family life, sounded deadly boring to her. She wanted the fast lane, just as she was living it now in Saint-Tropez, and had been for the past few years. That was the excitement and one of the benefits of fame for her.
“Nadia is taking the girls to America for a few weeks in July and early August. We can go to the château then. It’s beautiful there in summer,” he said to Pascale, as she freed him from his underwear and closed her mouth around him. He forgot everything else when she did. The discussion ended there about where they were going to spend July or August or weekends, or his being with Nadia for Bastille Day. He could think about that later. Like everything else he didn’t want to face now. Even the baby faded from his mind when Pascale worked her magic on him.
* * *
—
When Rose got back to her office after the Fourth of July weekend at the château with her daughters, two of the senior editors were lying in wait for her. They had discussed it the previous Friday, after Rose left, and they strongly felt that Nicolas Bateau needed to be part of the interview that was going to be their feature story in September.
“He’s too big a part of her stardom right now, because of the movie. If he were just an ordinary guy, or only her boyfriend, we could leave him out of it. As it is, the interview will be hollow without him. And let’s face it, he’s the more interesting subject. She has nothing to say. She’s a decent actress, and a gorgeous girl, but we’re not going to get much out of the interview. We need him.”
Rose argued the point with them as intelligently as she could, but editorially, she knew they were right, and with a terrible tug in her heart, she was tempted to concede for the sake of the magazine. She hated the idea of Nicolas being part of the interview and in the photographs that would
be taken of them together as a couple, and what it would do to Nadia when the magazine came out. She promised the editors to think about it and called Nadia as soon as they left her office. She had promised them a definite answer by the next day. She reached Nadia at Heathrow, waiting to catch her plane back to Paris.
“I really want to keep him out of it,” Rose said after explaining the situation to Nadia. She had tears in her eyes that her daughter couldn’t see. “I’m under a lot of pressure about it. But I don’t want you hurt.”
Nadia was characteristically gracious about it, and appreciated that her mother wanted to protect her. She sounded sad and defeated with a quiet sigh. She’d had a good day with her client, and hated to face the nightmare again.
“I’m not sure it matters. Everyone knows about the affair and the baby anyway,” Nadia said wearily.
“He’s made a total ass of himself with this girl, ever since Cannes,” Rose said angrily, “and she isn’t worth a damn, baby or no baby. I think the baby is just an accessory to her. I feel terrible letting him be part of the interview. The editors feel they need him in the piece. She has nothing to say that anyone wants to hear. But you’re what matters most to me.” Rose sounded emotional about it.
“Don’t worry about it, Mom. I can live with it,” Nadia said, dignified. She was determined to rise above it, and not let Pascale and Nicolas ruin her life. It was a major challenge.
“At least we have a writer who isn’t going to dig for dirt,” Rose said quietly. “I’ll do everything I can to keep your name out of it and to make sure the interview isn’t shocking and doesn’t romanticize them, if I let them do it.”
“You can’t keep me out of it, Mom,” Nadia said realistically. “I’m his wife, the woman he dumped for her.” But the problem was that he hadn’t dumped her. He wanted both of them, and to eventually come home to her after the affair ended, when the baby was born or when Pascale moved on to her next film and her next man. So far, Pascale had gotten involved with every leading man she acted with, and this time, with the producer/director. “Don’t worry about me, Mom. I’ll be fine, even if he’s in the interview. Thank you for asking me. You have to do your job, and I’m sure it will be a respectable piece. I love you, it’s okay.”
Rose still hated to let the editors have their way, and thanked Nadia for her understanding. After she hung up, Rose was in a bad mood for the rest of the day, which was rare for her. She was sick and tired of the Nicolas Bateau/Pascale Solon story. She couldn’t wait for it to be over, and dreaded what they’d say in the interview. Nicolas had put them all in a terrible position, even Rose.
Nadia knew it was just another form of the torture she was living through. She could hardly wait to leave for the States. She was starting their trip in L.A., at Athena’s. And all she had to get through before that was the Bastille Day weekend, with Nicolas at the château with them. It was hurdle after hurdle after hurdle these days. But she was determined to clear them as gracefully as she could, and survive it. She was facing it with courage and dignity. No one could take that from her, no matter what he did.
Rose sent her senior features editors an email at the end of the day, giving them permission to include Nicolas in the interview, but she informed them in no uncertain terms that she would do the final edit of the piece herself, which was nonnegotiable if they wanted him in it. They didn’t argue with her about it. They knew better. Rose’s word was law at Mode, and no one was going to cross her on this. Having Nicolas in the interview was victory enough for them.
Chapter 7
The Bastille Day weekend at the château had a surreal quality to it. Nicolas made a huge effort to act as though nothing had changed, and put on a show for their children. He was attentive to Nadia and adorable to the girls. Nadia tried to keep to herself, and leave the girls alone with him, while Nicolas insisted on including her in everything. They took the girls to the beach and collected seashells, wandered through the little shops in Deauville, went to their favorite restaurant, and the rest of the time, stayed in the pool at the château. Nicolas taught Laure how to dive off the diving board, and had endless patience with them. He seemed to be loving every minute of it, which Nadia wasn’t. She felt crazy halfway through the weekend. It was as though Pascale had never happened, he wasn’t in love with her, and she wasn’t carrying his baby. To anyone who didn’t know them, they looked like a normal family having a terrific weekend.
“What are you doing?” she said to him in a harsh whisper when the girls finally left the pool to change for dinner. She was about to follow them, to oversee their baths and wash their hair, but stayed to talk to him. “Are you insane? What are you doing here? Or what am I doing here? How do you think the girls are going to feel after a weekend like this when we tell them we’re separated? We’ve been lying to them for two months. And you’re having a baby with another woman.”
“They deserve to have some happy times with the two of us. And it’s not over between us yet, Nadia. I still love you.”
“Stop saying that, for God’s sake!” Nadia looked furious and had tears of rage and sorrow in her eyes. “You have a mistress, you’re having a baby with her. Why do you want to confuse everything? Our girls will never trust us again.” He was breaking her heart. She was trying to let go of him, in her heart and in her mind, and a weekend like this just reminded her of how it used to be, and could never be again.
“Why won’t you leave things open for a while?” He looked like a schoolboy who had been scolded and truly didn’t understand the harsh punishment he felt she was meting out to him.
“I’m not a car you can just park somewhere, and our daughters aren’t toys for you to play with whenever you want. My mother tells me you’re doing an interview for Mode with Pascale. The whole damn world knows about your affair, or will shortly. Meanwhile, you’re lying to our daughters and confusing the hell out of me. This isn’t a game, Nicolas, it’s our life. Or it was. It’s nothing now, except a joke you’re playing on us and a nightmare.”
“I’m not joking. I love you, Nadia,” he said with tears in his eyes too. The moment was intense. “I don’t know what happened. I went crazy, I’m still crazy. I care about Pascale, but I love you. She’s fireworks on the Fourth of July. You and I are real. We’re forever.”
“No, we’re not,” she shouted at him, since the girls weren’t around. “Nothing is forever, and certainly not our marriage, not now. I saw a lawyer last week,” she added, lowering her voice.
“So did I,” he responded, and she looked shocked. He hadn’t mentioned it to her before. Nor had she.
“Are you filing for divorce?” she asked him.
“No. I just don’t want to do anything dumber than I already have,” he said. “He told me that as long as I have not abandoned our family residence, we’re not separated and you don’t have grounds for divorce.” She realized then that he wasn’t as crazy as he looked at the moment. “I have not moved out. I’m not going to. I want to see this through with Pascale until October, and then come back to you. I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll stay with her until the baby, and then I swear, I will never do anything like this again.”
“I don’t believe you,” Nadia said angrily. “And I’m supposed to sit around quietly for the next few months while the two of you show off and give interviews? You are insane.” She looked as though she hated him for a minute. “Why is everything always about you? And we’re the wreckage you leave in your wake. Stop it, Nicolas. This is not a game. It’s my life.” She got up and left the pool area then, and hurried back to the house, while he sat staring into space in the deck chair for a long time. He was terrified to lose Nadia and the girls, but he felt he had to see it through with Pascale until after the baby. He couldn’t leave her pregnant, and the baby was his child too. Pascale called him at that exact moment, as though she was psychic and had picked up his vibes. He didn’t want to talk to her but took the
call anyway. He felt torn in half.
“How’s it going?” she asked, sounding relaxed.
“Okay, most of the time. It’s a little tense,” he said with a sigh. He didn’t want to explain it to her. She thought he should just walk away from Nadia and not look back. The way she would have.
“You should have come to Ramatuelle with me. The house is full, the weather is gorgeous, and the fireworks will be fabulous tonight.” There were plenty of fireworks between him and Nadia at the moment. He understood why she was upset, and he felt pulled between the two of them. “I miss you,” Pascale said, sounding instantly sexual and he forced himself not to think about it. Not here. “The two of you fighting all the time is why I never want to get married. It doesn’t seem like fun to me.” She laughed when she said it, but Nicolas was in a serious mood, after being with his family all weekend and seeing Nadia’s suffering at close range. And he could see her fury too.
“This is incredibly difficult for her,” he said sympathetically, well aware of what he was putting her through and deeply sorry about it. Pascale had no empathy for her, or even for him and the guilt he felt because of her.
“Don’t forget we have the interview with Mode next week,” she reminded him, and changed the subject back to herself. “I just bought a new dress for it, see-through white lace, I can wear it over a bathing suit. I look like a madonna in it.” She was conscious of her striking, sensual beauty and used it to her advantage whenever possible. It was her secret weapon and so far always worked on him. But not tonight. He was upset about Nadia, and what he was doing to her.
“You’re too sexy to be a madonna.” He was surprised they were including him in the interview, with his mother-in-law as editor-in-chief, but he was a big name. They were assigning one of their most important photographers and had begged Nicolas to participate. They wanted to do it at the rented house in Ramatuelle, and Pascale had agreed without consulting him. They wanted photographs of them together. “I’ll come down on Monday, the day before the interview. I’ll give them a few minutes, but I won’t do the whole interview with you.” He couldn’t do that to Nadia, and he didn’t want to. “I need to do some work this week,” he said, sounding stressed. He had hardly written a word in the last two months. His new novel was half finished, sitting on a shelf. He couldn’t concentrate on anything these days except Pascale and Nadia. “Nadia and the girls are leaving for L.A. in a few days, so I can stay down South with you for the next few weeks.” He felt like a bouncing ball.
The Affair Page 12