We’re two sides of a coin, trying to become one, and neither of us wants to rock the boat for fear of sinking us both.
I’m sitting on the couch, waiting for Fletcher to get home from another late barn shift working on the clock, when my phone rings.
It’s Geralyn, and I curse, knowing that she called me twice this week and I haven’t called her back. My old boss, or current boss … I’m not even really sure what’s going on. I’m still on her roster of employees, though she’s been great in giving me my space. But with my new position at the school, I’m not sure I can even be one of her coders anymore, and I’ve been too chicken to have that conversation.
Clicking the little green phone icon bouncing on my screen, I pick up. “Hey, Geralyn!”
“Ryan, where the hell have you been?” she starts right in, her tone a new level of pissed off.
I cringe. “I’ve been busy here—”
I’m about to explain myself, but she cuts me off. “In bumblefuck Georgia?”
My eyebrows knot in confusion. “I’m in Pennsylvania …”
“Whatever, who cares. What does matter is that I have a job for you. Big system setup in Denmark, private security firm that needs an impenetrable system. I told them you’d be there in two days.”
“Sorry, Ger, I’m still out of the game.” I shrug as if she can see me on the other end of the phone.
Her voice rings through in harsh, cutting tones. “Cut the crap, Ry. I want you on the next plane to Copenhagen. I need my best person on this, and that’s you. Now, I’ve given you as much time as I can spare, but I need you to do this job.”
My heart stutters, and it takes me a moment to suck in a breath. “Ger, I … I really appreciate how much you’ve worked with my schedule the past couple of months. But I can’t just pick up and go to Denmark.”
“Why not? That’s what you do, Ryan!” She sounds exasperated.
No, that’s what I did. That’s what I want to tell her. And even though I’ve contemplated in my head where I’ve ended up in the past few months, and tried to convince myself Fawn Hill was not that place … I find that when faced with a choice, I don’t want to leave.
Copenhagen is beautiful, I’ve been there twice. And at any other time of my life, I wouldn’t hesitate. But somehow, this place, this small town in Pennsylvania, has gotten a hold on my heart. The sense of community among the people here, my group of Nash ladies and their men …
Fletcher.
That’s the number one reason, right there. I can’t leave … because I’m in love.
We might be having a rough time of it, but I’ve never wanted anything more than I want Fletcher. I know that now. Yanis and my past boyfriends could break my heart in a million different ways combined, and none of it would come close to equaling the devastating fallout that leaving Fletcher would cause.
If I tell her that, she’ll scoff in my face. Because she’s heard it before; Geralyn has known me long enough to know that I fall in and out of love as quickly as the seasons change.
But this time is different. When faced with my job and traveling the world, or staying here and being with Fletcher …
I’d pick him. I can honestly say that’s never been my choice before.
“I’m sorry, Ger, I can’t go. I can try to do the work remotely—”
She cuts me off. “Ryan, they want you there in person. I’ve already sold them on the idea of a badass female coder. So pack your bags, pull up your big girl panties, and get flying. If you don’t, I’ll have to fire you and sue for breach of contract. Love ya!”
The dial tone hits me in the ear with a rude wail, and I pull the receiver away, my mouth still hanging open.
And as if timing wasn’t already kicking me in the ass, Fletcher decides to walk in the door right at this moment.
He catches sight of my expression, probably one of horrified shock, and quickly sets his things down and shrugs out of his coat.
“What’s wrong? Was it … was it your mom?” It’s the first time he’s brought her up since I told him about my childhood.
“No …” I rub my jaw, trying to wake myself from the daze Geralyn left in her demanding wake. “That was Geralyn, my boss. She wants me on a job.”
“Oh.” Fletcher sits down on the couch next to me, leaning back in surprise. “That’s not what I thought you were going to say.”
“Yeah .. I, uh, kind of blanked my job out the past couple of months. But she’s insisting. Says she’ll sue me if I don’t show up.”
“Well, then, you have to go, right?” Fletcher’s voice gets scratchy. “Where is the job?”
“Denmark.” My eyes flick to his, and I think we’re both mirroring the same look of worry.
His gaze averts first, shifting to the side. “Damn … that’s not … close. I thought you’d say New York or something.”
I feel it, the slip. It begins, a sludging, nauseating slide from my throat, past my heart, into the pit of my stomach. It’s our relationship, just falling out of my grasp. I could almost see it, the tips of my hands trying to catch it before it fell and smashed all over the floor.
“Come to Denmark with me.” I grab Fletcher’s hands, the idea taking flight in my chest.
We could travel together, he could see the art he’s always wanted to see. I could get the job done, and then we’ll come back. Together. As long as we were together, it didn’t matter. I could support the two of us with whatever I was making on this project.
And maybe this could help us get through the bad period we are in. Getting out of Fawn Hill, a change of scenery, it could do wonders for us.
“Ryan, I can’t leave Fawn Hill. I have the clock tower going up in a month’s time. My family is here. I have an apartment I work hard to afford, and … I love it here. This is where I belong.”
I swear, my heart shatters into a million tiny shards. The glass of the splintered organ breaks haphazardly, and I know it will never fully be pieced together after this.
“Is this because your boss is making you go, or do you want to leave after what you saw in my meeting?” His eyes narrow.
Immediately, anger bubbles up in the back of my throat. First, he’s saying he won’t come with me, and now, he’s accusing me of running away because AA spooked me into the next galaxy.
But this is my out, whether I’m being forced into it or not, and we both know it. I saw him in that meeting days ago, and I freaked the fuck out. But he also doesn’t want to come with me. And that causes me to go into self-preservation mode.
“You know what? I think this was all a really terrible idea. You’re right. I always jump into things, and this was no different. We felt the lust, we fucked, and then I got in deep because … well, like I said, it’s what I do. I should go, we’re on the verge of breaking up anyway.”
Fletcher looks as if I’ve sunk a knife right through his heart. “We are? Good to know your view on things. You never intended to stay here, did you? You can’t even look at me after that meeting, after learning what I really am. Just because one addict abandoned you, doesn’t mean another wouldn’t try to love you the hardest he could for the rest of your life. You’re right, you should go. Run away from your problems, like you always do. I don’t need this bullshit.”
“Fletcher …” My voice is pure panic, and tears leak from the corners of my eyes. The thoughts racing in my head are telling me to deflect, defend … but then they’re telling me to try with all my might to save this. To save us.
“Go, Ryan. Just go.”
I want to take it back, to tell him I didn’t mean any of what I’d just said. But it was out there now, as were his words. I’m not sure how this did a one-eighty in three seconds flat, but then again, I have a penchant for burning my life to the ground quickly.
And now I’d be on to a new city, a fresh start. That was the way things always went.
Except this time, I know I won’t be mending a broken heart.
I’d simply be limping along, trying to ignore
the earthquake-sized tremors of an organ that would never repair itself.
37
Fletcher
Two weeks.
Fourteen days.
Three hundred and thirty-six hours.
That’s how long Ryan has been gone, and how long I’ve been numb to everything around me.
I stare up at the ceiling of Keaton’s guest room, because my brothers made me move in here after she left in fear I’d do something stupid. Truthfully, I’m glad they basically forced me into observational confinement. In those first few hours after she stormed out of my apartment, I was so close to hightailing it to the liquor store and guzzling a bottle of whiskey right there in the aisle.
But Keaton had come knocking, packed me a bag, and physically removed me from my apartment. I’d find out later that Ryan went running to Presley, who drove her to the airport and saw her off on the plane to New York, where she’d connect to Copenhagen.
The world seems dimmer without her here, and most days, I find it difficult to put two feet on the floor and keep moving. This is why they tell recovering alcoholics not to fall in love in the first year. Maybe the disclaimer should be not to fall in love ever, because it’s too triggering to fall out of it.
Not that I have fallen out of it. My heart still burns with the memory of her, and I haven’t fully convinced it that she’s never coming back. Part of me hopes that she’ll walk through the door and hand me my ass, tell me I fucked up and owe her an apology.
But she’s a world away, and it’s an important day for me. One I’ve been looking forward to. So, why do I feel nothing but pain as I dress for the ceremony in the dark gray button down and dark jeans our resident fashion advisor, Penelope, gave me as a present a week ago.
“Big day, Fletch.” Presley grins a little as I walk into their kitchen.
She and I haven’t seen much of each other since Ryan left, mostly because I’m avoiding her in her own home. I know she wants to be there for her best friend and her brother-in-law, and I don’t want to make it harder for her. I’m the guy who broke her friend’s heart, told her to leave. But Ryan wasn’t innocent in this, and I think my brother’s wife knows that.
“Yep.” I try to smile, but it comes off as more of a grimace.
I pour myself a mug of coffee, chug it, and then stomach a piece of toast. Not only am I nursing one hell of a battered heart, but I’m also nervous as fuck.
Today is the day of the clock tower unveiling, and I’m terrified the damn thing won’t work. Or it will look awful, or that the people in town will hate it. I’ve been jumpy since I tried to lie down and sleep last night, and it only intensifies when I get in the back seat of Keaton’s truck and ride with him and Presley to the ceremony.
My mom is standing front and center when we get to Main Street, and a few of my friends wave or cheer quietly, anticipating the reveal.
“Hi, Ma.” I kiss her on the cheek.
“Oh, I’m so proud of you. This is wonderful,” she squeals.
“It’s covered by a black curtain. You haven’t even seen it yet …” I mutter, trying not to get my hopes up.
There is a chance that everyone will think it’s terrible.
“But I know the kind of work you do, and I already know it’s beautiful,” she says with a know-it-all nod that only a mother can give.
I shrug as Forrest, Penelope, and the kids walk up.
“You ready, bro?” My twin shakes my shoulders, jostling me.
“Uncle Fletch, you built this?” Matthew says in awe, though the clock is still covered.
I had him out to the barn in the final stages, because the little man seems interested in working with his hands. He helped me screw on the big hand of the clock, an ornate wood piece that I carved the founding date of Fawn Hill into.
“Sure did. Next one, you’ll build.” I wink at him.
“All right, everyone, can I have your attention?” Keaton says into a microphone, and the whole thing feels very grand.
My brother decided to appoint himself emcee of the unveiling, just like he basically appointed himself mayor of the town. I didn’t mind though, it felt nice to have my sibling proud of me for a change.
“I am so glad we’re all here to view the new clock tower today, but it’s an even bigger day for our family. Fletcher has been honing his craft for a few years, and when he was awarded the project, I knew he’d do the best job. He has built us a gorgeous clock, one that will make Fawn Hill proud every time it chimes on the hour. Fletcher, we love you, and we’re so proud of you.”
My family whoops and hollers, shaking me as I throw up a sheepish wave to the crowd that’s clapping around us.
Then everyone is counting down, and Bowen pulls the cord to the drape …
The moment the curtain drops, and the minute hand starts ticking, I don’t see the clock face.
In my mind, I only see her face.
“Wow, it looks amazing.” Penelope smiles at me.
Forrest claps me on the shoulder. “Epic job, bro.”
Mom has tears in her eyes when she hugs me. “I will cherish every time I look at it on my morning walk. I’ll always see you on Main Street, now.”
“I wish Ryan were here to see this,” Presley mutters sadly, and Penelope leads her away by the elbow.
My heart drops to my feet when my sister-in-law says that, because I wish she was, too.
“You’re a fucking moron.” Forrest rounds on me, shaking his head.
“What?” I throw my arms up. “Do we have to do this today? You do all realize I just accomplished something huge.”
“You told her to go. You got mad, acted like a child, and told her to go to Denmark.” Bowen fills in the blank, and they all stare at me like I should be grounded.
“Do you think that being in love is easy? It’s fucking hard. Especially with Penelope. Never fall in love with her, woman is barking mad,” Forrest quips, and Keaton shoots him a glare.
My twin continues. “But seriously, being in a relationship, a partnership, it’s hard. Not every day, but a lot of days. You fight, you disagree. But that doesn’t mean you kick the woman you love out of your home, much less your town. You should have fought for her and you know it.”
“She wanted to go to Denmark,” I say weakly, knowing that’s not exactly true.
“Bullshit,” Keaton curses, and all three of our heads swing his way.
My big brother has to be mighty pissed at me to let a curse fall out of his mouth.
“You’re in love with her, and she’s in love with you. So you two have some issues, who cares? Presley and I couldn’t be more different, but we make it work. Because we would rather die trying than be with anyone else. And at the end of the day, you and Ryan are more alike than anyone I’ve ever known. I knew it from the moment I saw you two together. The connection you have is deep, maybe deeper than any one of us has with our wives.”
Apparently, they aren’t even going to let me defend myself. Not that I really have a leg to stand on, most of what they’re saying is right on the money. I hang my head, thinking about how much I fucked up. I never should have let her go. I should have gotten right in her face, challenged her like she always challenges everyone else. I should have told her to hell with her boss, we’d fight a lawsuit together. That I wanted her right here, living in our apartment and teaching in the school I know she loved working at.
“Speak for yourself,” Bowen grumbles, but Forrest elbows him to get with the program. “They’re right, bro. You’re a moron. But you don’t have to remain one.”
“What does that mean?”
They all roll their eyes at me, but Forrest speaks. “Pull your head out of your ass and go get her.”
Keaton follows that harsh directive up. “Go to Denmark, Fletch. Your clock is done, there is nothing keeping you here. Of course, we want you to stay, but your place is with Ryan. Plus, I always knew this town was too small for you. Knew it the minute you came home from the hospital and wailed your lungs out e
very time Mom brought us down to Main Street. You’ve spent a lot of time holding yourself back, keeping yourself small. Time to go big, brother.”
Each one of them looks at me expectantly, and I know it’s inevitable.
Whether it’s right now, or I get my ass in gear a month from now, there is no question that I’ll be going after her. And I’ve wasted enough time in my life.
So I ask for the help they’re clearly offering. “How fast can we book a flight to Copenhagen?”
38
Ryan
I stare at the picture on Presley’s Instagram feed, the one she just posted.
It’s a photo of Fletcher, looking as handsome as ever, standing below the monstrous clock tower. The one he designed. I missed it, the unveiling. His biggest accomplishment, the thing he’s been working so hard for, and I wasn’t there. The hard truth rips me apart.
Tears well behind my eyes, and I blink them back rapidly. I’ve cried more in the last two weeks than I ever have in my life, and I’m not about to break down in hysterics at my desk.
Not that anyone would care. Most of the people at this private security company are so secretive, they barely even look my way. They have whispered conversations in Danish, and I’m regarded like an intruder even though I’m building their entire damn threat protection system.
This job sucks balls. It’s boring and easy, and I hate Copenhagen with its bike-friendly lanes and cute little riverboats. It’s too damn charming and I’m too damn heartbroken.
I still want to throttle Geralyn, and I’ve told her as much. I gave my notice, effective immediately after the end of this project. She’s been a good boss, but she soured our relationship the minute she threatened me with a lawsuit. That, and I don’t take orders from anyone in that way. I’m a free bird, and she wants to tie me down. That’s no bueno in my book, and I’m going my separate way after I build this system for these assholes.
Falter: The Nash Brothers, Book Four Page 18