After dinner, we sat on the couch, one boy on either side of me while we played Mario Kart on the console. They thought it was hilarious to play teams and gang up on me. After my second victory—this one by the skin of my teeth, they gave up.
I put a hand on each of their heads as they tried to wrestle me down. They lost at that game, too. I loved those kids—even when DJ was trying unsuccessfully to shove his fingers up my nose. And given the state I was in lately, as I sat back and watched them get involved in game of checkers, I let myself think about the fact that at this time, I might have been an expectant father in other circumstances.
I’d never given myself the chance to even consider that possibility. The situation had been so dire. My every thought and goal had been toward Emilia’s survival. And when she’d been around, I’d never let myself go there, even after we knew she was healthy. Was it fair, now, to regret what I might never have after urging her to do what she did? When I gave them their hugs goodbye, I couldn’t ignore that little pinch that reminded me of my own loss. And that date—that date that Emilia had recited in the doctor’s office on that bleak morning: August 18. The due date.
I hung around after Britt and the kids left. Liam had already taken off and I think Peter could tell that I wanted to talk because he went to the fridge without saying a word, pulled out two beers, opened them and sat next to me on a stool at the kitchen counter. We sipped in awkward silence for the first few minutes before I cleared my throat.
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“How go the wedding plans?”
He smiled. “Great, for me. I don’t have to do anything. Britt’s handling stuff on this end and Kim and Mia are doing the other stuff from theirs. I just have to show up with a wedding gift and a ring. ”
“Sounds like a great deal to me. ”
Peter cast a sidelong glance at me as he sipped again. “You doing okay?”
I put the beer down, resting my elbows on the counter. “Kinda. ”
“So…I know things are delicate right now with you two. Kim and I are a little worried. ”
I knew what that meant. They were a lot worried. In a lot of ways, their future happiness as a married couple was dependent upon how well Emilia and I could manage our relationship. Things could get messy for them very quickly if the two of us couldn’t get along, considering how close our family relationships were now.
“That makes a lot of worried people, then,” I said.
“I’ve also been worried about you. I know in cases like these, the person with the medical problems gets most of the attention—and rightly so. But sometimes it’s hard to be the silent partner who has to keep it all together for the sick one. ”
I shrugged. “I didn’t mind that. It’s one of the rare few times she actually accepted any help from anyone. ” And I cut myself off after that sentence, punctuating it with a long pull of beer because I hated the acid tone of my voice when it came out. It was getting harder and harder to hide the bitterness.
But he’d heard it and, like the sharp man that I knew he was, zeroed in on it like I was a witness he was cross-examining in court. “That’s the other difficulty…to deal with and stockpile the rightful resentment you’ve felt all these months. And you can’t express the anger when the person you are angry with is so sick. ”
I cleared my throat. It felt tight with my own shame. I looked straight ahead, my hand opening and closing on the table in front of me.
He put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be so hard on yourself for feeling that way. You’re human. Your feelings were hurt pretty badly. You have a right to those feelings whether she’s sick or not. ”
“How were you and Kim able to figure it all out so quickly?” I said finally, mostly to take the heat off of me a little, but also because I was genuinely curious.
He laughed. “Quickly? She’s forty-three and I’m almost a decade older than her. I wish I’d found her when I was your age. But life doesn’t work that way. I’m just glad I found her now. ” He shrugged. “And when I knew she was the one for me—well, I wasn’t about to waste any more time with being alone. ”
I nodded. His words ran through my mind, over and over again during the drive home and the rest of the evening. That night, I refused to go in my office and drown out my thoughts with work when I seemed to come upon something valuable, something to think about.
Instead, when I hit the top of the stairs, I went into her room—that private sanctuary that I’d made for her. I sat on her window seat and watched the lights on the dark water, my throat tight, my head aching and heavy with thoughts. Glancing over, I saw a well-worn blue bandana on the night table. Picking it up and not knowing why, I brought it to my face, smelling it. Smelling her.
The scent washed over me and I closed my eyes, overwhelmed by feelings that I’d been steadily attempting to block out. The feel of her slight body pressing against mine for a hug, for reassurance, tucking her head under my chin. The way I’d lie next to her, my hand on her back to make sure she was still breathing. The shine in her beautiful golden-brown eyes when she was being particularly witty or funny. The pout of her luscious lips right before I kissed them. The sound of her heartbeat when I laid my head on her chest. The taste of her tears when I comforted her.
These feelings gripped me, held me hostage in this one point in time, assailing me with every memory from the moment I’d logged in to Dragon Epoch and first met her online as FallenOne to the last time I’d seen her, slowly, sadly tucking herself behind the wheel of my car and driving away. My eyes stung with unshed tears and I actually wept into that damn bandana. I missed her. I needed her. But I was still unsure of her.
And I had no idea if I ever could be.
***
The night before Peter and Kim’s wedding, we met at a nearby restaurant to share a quiet dinner as a family. I knew I’d see Emilia there for the first time in eight weeks and I was both excited and nervous to see her. I had no idea what she had gone through during her time away. I only knew how difficult my own journey had been.
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I hoped that we could sit down and talk calmly like adults. I hoped that we could find our way through this in a way that left us both able to face the future.
I met Peter out in the parking lot. My cousin had already gone inside but Peter, catching sight of me, stopped and hung back. I walked up with my gift in hand. “Hey! How’s the happy groom-to-be?”
Peter clapped his hand on my shoulder. “Nervous as hell. ”
“Ah. What’s there to be nervous about? You’ve found yourself an amazing woman. ”
He grinned and nodded. “It’s not her I’m nervous about. It’s living up to deserving her that makes me think twice. It’s a tall order. ”
I hesitated, smiled and congratulated him, a sudden inexplicable knot of emotion in my throat. Why had that simple statement of anxiety choked me up?
I followed my uncle in and glanced over his shoulder at the party that was already partially seated at the table at the private room they had rented to us. When we arrived, everyone stood up. My eyes were sifting through the group of people—Britt, Rik and their kids, Heath, Liam—when a hand grasped my arm and I turned.
“Adam,” Kim said, smiling up at me, and then taking me in a tight hug.
I hugged her back. “Congratulations to the lovely bride. ”
“Thank you. And…there’s someone here who I think you might like to see?”
I smiled to cover the nervous jitters inside, pulling back from the hug. “I think you’re absolutely right. ”
Kim gave me an encouraging smile. “She just went to the bathroom. She’ll be right back. ”
I let out a tight breath and turned around to watch the entryway. She was standing there, frozen in her spot, staring at me. I stood still, taking her in.
She wore dark colors, black jeans and a dark grey shirt. But nothing on her head because it was covered with a thick layer of her o
wn hair. It was short, but it looked almost as if she’d cut it that way. And her natural eyebrows, although thinner, were back. And her skin…it glowed with healthy color.
She took a hesitant step toward me, a shy smile on her mouth.
I stepped toward her at the same time she stepped toward me and we met in the middle distance between us. “Hey,” she said, and she leaned forward as if to hug me, but when I didn’t reach out to hug her, she swayed back, a question in her eyes.
“Hey,” I said, throwing a glance at the table and the eight pairs of eyes all fixed on us.
Emilia’s gaze followed mine and she laughed. “Wow, it’s like we are a reality show or something. ”
With her thus distracted, I leaned down and gave her a peck on the cheek before turning to sit at the table. Without a word, she sat across from me. We spent most of that meal engaged in a full table conversation about the upcoming nuptials, teasing the bride and groom, discussing various memories. Kim told some stories from Emilia’s childhood and I found out some new things about her. My cousins got revenge on me for some of the things I said by sharing some embarrassing facts about me.
We laughed. It was fun.
But Emilia and I never had a chance to talk like I’m sure we were both hoping to. When it was time to get up and leave, it was after ten o’clock and there were things to do in the morning. Emilia had to help her mom. I stood beside her in front of the restaurant and people filed past us, giving us a wide berth to afford privacy.
Emilia looked up at me a little nervously. “I hope you’re doing okay. But I hope it wasn’t too okay without me. ”
“I’m okay. But not too okay. And you?”
“Somewhat okay,” she said with a short nod. Then she came forward and, pulling herself up on her tiptoes, slipped her arms around my shoulders and kissed me on the cheek. “I missed you like crazy,” she whispered before pulling back. Then she reached into her bag and pulled out what looked like a gift, wrapped in tissue paper. “Open this when you get home tonight, please?”
I reached into my pocket and pulled out something I had for her. “You brought your laptop with you?” At her nod, I placed the flash drive in her hand. “Use this when you get back to your room tonight. ” She looked down at it, frowning, and then nodded.
I leaned down and kissed her, this time on the mouth, but it was short, sweet. “Good night. ”
Emilia stepped back and slowly made it to the car, looking down at her hand and then back at me before stumbling once again.
I went to my car and immediately tore the tissue off her gift. Holding it up to the dim light in the parking lot, I saw that it was a journal with a beautiful gold-embossed cover made to resemble an illuminated book from the middle ages.
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I flipped it open, astonished to see that every page was covered with her writing. She’d written an entry in it every day, like a journal, except at the top of each day she’d started out her entry Dear Adam…
I laid the book down on the passenger seat, started the car and headed home. I had the distinct feeling that I wouldn’t be sleeping much tonight.
Chapter Forty-One
Mia
The hotel room in which we were staying for the wedding was only a few blocks away from the beach and I was sharing a room with my mom. When we got back and she came out of the bathroom ready for bed, she paused. I’d set up at the desk with my laptop open and my headset plugged in. I was just about to put Adam’s flash drive in the USB port. Mom watched me and I froze.
“You going to be up playing a game tonight?”
I swallowed and held up the flash drive. “Will it bother you? I don’t know what this is. Adam gave it to me and asked me to plug it in and look at it tonight. ”
Her brows rose. “Ah, okay. And, um, how were things with him tonight?”
I looked down and shrugged. It had been cold, distant and awkward. I pretty much figured everyone present could detect that.
Mom sank onto the bed and folded her arms across her chest, watching me. “You need time. And so does he. ”
I blinked. “That’s what this past couple months were all about. Giving us time. ”
Mom nodded. “You two have been through more than your share of sadness, together and apart. ”
I fiddled with the edge of the desk for a moment, avoiding her gaze. It was a delicate situation, to address things like this to a person who was about to begin a new life with the person she loved. “Who’s to say that the sadness is over with?” I said.
“You never know, do you? Life is so uncertain. You’ve learned that lesson this year. There’s never the perfect time to choose to be with the one you love. It’s a commitment that you’ll be there in the good times and the bad. That you’ll hold each other’s hand and do it together. ”
I nodded. “Thanks, Mom. And I want you to know that I’m really happy for you. ” No matter how weird it made things with me and Adam. Step-relatives or not. Yeah, it was bizarre but we were grown-ups and we’d learn to deal with it. I was hopeful, anyway.
Mom went to bed, turning off the lights, and I put on my headset and plugged the flash drive into the correct port. The screen on my laptop went black, and then lights began to form, arcs and lines and spirals of every color swirling and merging together to spell my name.
And before I knew it, I was being logged in to Dragon Epoch automatically. But it was unlike anything I’d ever played before.
I was standing on the shore of beautiful lake, a sunlit mountain scape forming a jagged backdrop behind. The graphics were new and gorgeous. This was an unreleased part of the game and I surmised that it would be part of the new expansion that hadn’t yet been revealed to players. But as I used the controls to move my character around, words started to appear.
The interface of the game normally did not behave like this, so I surmised that somehow Adam had written a hack of his own game, taking the graphics already produced for his game and putting together a private experience for me alone taken from bits and pieces of Dragon Epoch. My eyes flew to the words on the screen, snatching up every one as if it were food and I a starving woman dying for sustenance.
I know of no other, better way to communicate with you right now but through this medium of 0s and 1s that is my second nature. In this environment we met, interacted and, without even knowing it, fell in love. And like this beautiful place where you are now standing, that love was new, fresh, pristine. An unfamiliar country for both of us. And we were reluctant explorers.
Until we lost our way…
And now the beautiful mountain scape around me began to fade, the screen darkening slowly but steadily until this idyllic landscape became consumed in a dark, murky fog and I couldn’t see anything. Except for those words…they kept coming, even across the darkness.
Everything changed the moment we began to make mistakes, the moment we separated, and each mistake we made caused the previous one to look like nothing in comparison. I accept full responsibility for all the wrongs I did. I am tormented by the way I screwed up then, but I did it because this is the place where you left me, Emilia. Completely, utterly in the dark.
I took a deep breath, continuing to read and unwittingly bracing myself for more raw honesty. I had the heavy feeling that this wouldn’t be easy to read.
“You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. ”
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I blinked, remembering the famous quote from one of the earliest computer role-playing games, written and played by thousands long before I was even born—Zork. The iconic quote accompanied a huge walled maze that stretched out in front of me as far as the eye could see in every direction. I recognized the place from a zone in Dragon Epoch—an impossibly infuriating zone which featured a constantly shifting maze full of riddles and puzzles that needed to be solved. In that zone, there were no monsters to fight and defeat. The enemy was the mind itself.
T
he words formed again, scrolling across my screen, each sentence appearing when I took another turn down the impossible maze. My gut twisting with frustration when those turns led to the inevitable dead ends.
Every turn I took, every choice I made was the wrong one. All I knew was that I wanted you back. I had to have you back, but everything I did pushed you further away. It was as disorienting as this trip though the impossible maze.
I finally judged that I needed to stop moving because no matter where I turned, the maze became more and more bewildering, closing in on me and making me dizzy.
Can you find your way out? What if the person you loved most in the world was at the end of the maze and you had no idea which way to turn?
Yes, I was angry, resentful. Even after I found out everything. And because you were sick, that anger got buried deep inside and turned into guilt. You were sick and I had no right to be angry with you.
I sat back, sucking in a sob. I didn’t like where this was leading. I put my face in my hands and read through cracked fingers, as if watching a horror movie alone in an empty house on a dark night.
The maze faded away and instead, a vapor-like vision formed in front of me. It was hard to see through the haze, but there were clouds. And the words formed again.
That guilt became excuses. I know you wanted us to go back to the way things had been. I know you were as clueless about how to do that as I was. So my anger and resentment and guilt came out as excuses—excuses to keep you at a distance.
The vision of puffy white clouds solidified and words formed across them. “I’m tired. ”
Then they darkened into storm clouds accompanied by the words, “I’m worried about her. ”
Then rain started to pour down from them in torrents. “We need to go slow, wait until she is healthy. ”
Then lightning struck, over and over again, blinding me. “I’m so angry at her and I hate myself for it because she is sick. ”
And then, the visions clearing, I stood in a graveyard. I recognized this place—a point of respawn—one of the first of many graveyards in DE, where your ghost goes after you are killed in the game. And the words, the most heart-wrenching of all: “What if she dies?”
But these were illusions I used to hide the real issue. The one I never even realized I had. The most difficult to discover and the most painful to endure…
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