to the gym but didn’t have her workout clothes. She sat in her car for some
time until making a choice.
The rain came down hard as she pulled up to Carina’s house. She
texted her to see if she was home. Carina texted back and told her she was
outside.
She climbed out of the car and rushed to the porch, hoping Carina
would come down and open it. There had been distance between them, but
she knew Carina cared about her.
The porch light turned on and the door opened. Tia spoke before
Carina had the chance to. “I get that I’m probably a reminder of Bruce and
you can’t be around me as much anymore. But you said I needed you too.
And I do.” Tears fell from her eyes as she felt every part of grief slam into
her chest and twist her stomach into tight knots.
Carina pulled her inside and into a hug. Tia stood a few inches taller,
bending her head down to rest over Carina’s shoulder.
She cried for some time, glued to Carina until exhaustion swept over
her. Carina guided her into the living room. The fireplace was on. There
was a book and a blanket on the couch.
Tia noticed a filled cup and light music playing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t
mean to interrupt your night. I can go.”
“Nonsense.” Carina pointed to the couch. “Sit. I’ll get you some hot
chocolate.”
Tia nodded and went to the couch, removing her shoes and coat. Her
hair was wet from the rain and she let it out of the bun, her dreads free
around her shoulders and back.
A few minutes of listening to orchestra music in the background
brought her some peace. She watched Carina walk around the couch,
handing her a mug of hot chocolate. “Who’s playing?” Tia asked.
Carina blushed, as if being caught playing something inappropriate.
“It’s the Lord of the Rings soundtrack.”
A smile lifted a bit of the sadness from her bruised heart. She adored
the uniqueness in Carina. It was evident Carina was taking the night for
herself. “I didn’t mean—” Tia paused and gave up on lying. “I had a long
shift. And then after what I just experienced in the last hour, I needed you to
tell me it was all okay.”
Afraid to watch for a reaction, Tia let the warmth of the hot chocolate
sooth her. The music did have that fantasy world vibe as she continued to
listen to it. It was something new she learned about Carina that made her
smile.
Ready to face Carina’s honesty, Tia searched her eyes as she spoke.
“Did I do something wrong?”
Carina’s eyes widened. She sighed and smiled weakly. “No.” She
couldn’t maintain eye contact.
“But something happened,” Tia pushed. “Every time I come to see the
kids or take them for ice cream, you’re always busy. I don’t just come for
them, you know. You mean a lot to me too.”
“I know,” Carina said, feeling defeated. It looked like she had a lot on
her mind. “I should’ve been honest with you.” Carina used the remote to
turn down the music. She shifted on the couch to give Tia her full attention.
“You’ve been more than I expected. Like a second parent to my kids. And
that’s been great…”
“But not what you need,” Tia finished.
Carina nodded. “No one could ever replace Bruce. And I know that’s
not what you were trying to do. But in a way, maybe I was. I needed to take
a step back and evaluate things.”
“And basically cutting me out is the way to do it?” Tia asked. She
was hurt, and now wondering if it was really a good idea to come here. “I’m
so stupid.” Tia put the mug on the end table, about to stand.
Carina slid over quickly, putting her hand on Tia’s thigh. “First. So
not cool. You’re not stupid. You can’t use a word you dislike on yourself.”
She kept her hand on Tia’s thigh. It took Tia a second to focus. “Second.
I’m the one who was foolish. I’ve been very jealous of my kids the last
couple months. Wishing I was with you. With you all,” she quickly added.
She stumbled over her words, suddenly looking nervous.
She removed her hand from Tia’s thigh and an absence was felt,
coldness sweeping over Tia’s flesh. She didn’t want to go there in her mind,
and she wouldn’t.
“I’ve been such a coward, wanting to call you,” Carina said.
“Seems I beat you to it,” Tia joked.
“Seems so.”
They both smiled and relaxed for the first time tonight. After the hard
part of the conversation was over, they began to discuss what they’d been
up to, conversation moving into a much more intimate discussion.
“So, your friend set you up on a blind double date. But you decided to
come here and ditch them.” Carina snorted. “She must’ve been really bad
for you to ditch her for me.”
“Actually, she wasn’t,” Tia admitted. She took her time, wondering if
she should tell her why she left and decided on the truth. When she finished
telling Carina, she saw sadness pass through her eyes. “Yeah. So, you can
see why I ran out. I feel so rude.”
“She’ll understand,” Carina said, sounding strong.
Tia half expected her to break down from what she’d shared.
“I finally cleared out most of Bruce’s things from my room a month
ago. Gave a few things to the kids, and the rest I donated.”
“Really?” Tia smiled, proud of Carina for facing that hardship and
surviving it.
“I wish I was as strong as you. I’ve treated every paramedic I’ve
worked with like the plague. I just get so angry, not seeing him sit beside
me.” Tia pursed her lips, thinking about her new partner. “This new guy
went through a hard experience too. That’s putting it mildly. But he lost his
partner. I want to give him a chance. But then, I’m afraid Bruce will
disappear from everyone’s memories back at the station. Disappear from
mine.”
“He’ll never disappear,” Carina promised. She smiled. “You should
try and go out with that woman. And give that partner a chance. Try a lot of
things.”
Tia shook her head. “No. She seemed sweet. But not someone I want.
And I’ll consider the new partner.”
“What kind of woman would you want?”
That question seemed to make Tia blush. She lowered her head,
covering her face with her hand.
Carina laughed. “Are you going shy on me?”
Tia rolled her eyes. “I’m not shy. I just—I feel like I’ve seen it all. I
know what I need and when I find that woman, I only hope she loves me
back.”
Silence fell between them. Tia could feel Carina’s gaze, and she took
a chance, looking up. Their eyes locked. Tia’s heart beat fast in her chest,
swept away by the dark brown of Carina’s irises. Neither seemed bothered
by the silence.
Carina’s phone rang and she jumped. “Saved by the bell,” she
mumbled, taking a breath. Carina looked away and reached for her phone,
answering it.
Tia turned away, pulling out her phone to text her friend she was
okay. She’d have to make it up to her for runni
ng out like that. For now, she
was thankful for whoever called Carina this late. They’d been talking for
over an hour. That moment of silence pulled out a lot of tension that clearly
Carina felt too.
Carina hung up. “The kids are over at my sister’s. They’ll be back
tomorrow.” Her skin appeared flushed, and she couldn’t seem to maintain
eye contact for too long.
They were alone. Tia felt nervous about that too. “It’s late. I don’t
want to keep you up.”
“Right,” Carina said. She frowned and shook her head. “No, wait!
We’re friends. And I don’t want to kick you out. Especially the way it’s
raining right now. I’m not tired.”
“Are you sure?” Tia asked.
“Yes.”
Tia excused herself, needing to use the restroom. When she finished,
she turned on the faucet, running cold water over her hands. What was
going on with her? Maybe she just missed Carina too much. Tia preached
repeatedly that what she was feeling wasn’t real. Tia studied herself in the
mirror. She’d always struggled with her weight, being a few pounds over
since Bruce’s passing. Tia was still in shape and that’s what mattered. She
needed to stop being so hard on herself. “Stop analyzing yourself. There’s
no one you need to impress. She is your best friend’s wife.” Was. Bruce was
gone, but that left no excuses. Tia splashed cold water over her face and
dripped more down her shirt. She needed to get a grip.
Back in the living room, Carina held a bottle of wine in her hand,
holding it up to show what kind of night to expect.
Tia smiled, knowing this would be a long night, not forgotten.
Chapter Nine
Carina
The weight of someone’s body kept Carina planted as she opened her
eyes. The front door slammed shut, a multitude of footsteps coming her
way. Carina looked over at the floor where an empty bottle of wine lay. She
reached out, realizing her fingers were tangled in something. Someone’s
breath tickled her exposed belly and she shuddered from not feeling
someone that close to her in months.
“Mom!” Rina’s eyes widened and then she shouted in bliss. “Tia!
You’re here.”
By the sound of her name, Tia’s head shot up but quickly jerked back
down.
Carina realized her fingers were tangled in Tia’s hair.
The rest of her kids entered the living room, unsure of what to make
of the situation.
“Hey, Carina!” Sandra stopped, her mouth agape as if she’d walked in
on Carina in a compromising position. “Um, kids, go put your stuff away,”
Sandra ordered.
Tia slid off Carina, wiping the sleep from her eyes.
“Tia. Could you give my sister and me a moment?” Sandra asked.
There was no way she’d let her sister come and dictate anyone in her
house. “No! Tia is fine right here.”
“You really want to have this conversation in front of her?” Sandra
asked.
“I prefer not at all,” Carina admitted.
“Perhaps I should go home,” Tia butted in.
“No!” Carina said.
“Sounds like a good idea,” Sandra argued.
Tia stood, not wanting to get in between a family argument. She only
grew up with her dad, but she had a suspicion that when it came to two
sisters it was best to step back.
“Please don’t go,” Carina said.
How could Tia say no to that? She sighed. “I’ll wait upstairs.”
Carina nodded. She watched Tia leave until she could no longer see
her and then faced her sister.
“I thought you distanced yourself from her?” Her sister asked with a
hot temper ready to spill out.
“I did. But last night—no! I’m not going to explain myself to you.
Tia’s my friend.”
“Friend!” Sandra snorted, bemused. “Is what we just walked in on? A
friendly thing?”
“Nothing happened, Sandra. We were drinking and talking and then
passed out.” Carina shrugged. “I don’t see the harm.”
“Your kids are who you’re harming!” Sandra shouted. She blew out a
breath and shook her head. “Maybe nothing happened. But to them, it
seemed that way, at least for Rina. How do you think your kids would
handle knowing their mom is hooking up with their dad’s old best friend
who’s a woman? Sorry sis, but that’s a jump.”
Carina’s eyes hardened. She could deal with a lot of things, but being
questioned as a mother was one thing she couldn’t let pass. “You know,
there are a lot of things kids have to endure because of their parents. But
I’ve taught mine to value themselves and as long as things are done with a
pure heart and out of love, things will be all right. My kids are not
homophobic, and they understand how important Tia is to us.” Carina
stepped closer, lowering her voice. “Nothing happened between Tia and me.
But if I ever decided to be with a woman or Tia, which as I’ve stated before,
I’m not ready to be with anyone, I’ll talk to my kids about it personally so
they know how I feel and what they feel too.”
“So, you’re saying you’d consider being with her?”
Out of all Carina had said that’s all her sister heard.
“You’re so into this woman and you don’t even know it.” Sandra
shook her head and walked off. “Fine. I’m done trying to tell you anything.”
Carina heard the front door shut and closed her eyes. She heard
someone coming downstairs and knew Tia was approaching.
“She’s why you put distance between us? Because she thinks I’m
influencing you?” Tia sounded hurt.
Carina didn’t want to end up arguing with Tia too. “What I told you
last night is true,” she defended.
“But not all true,” Tia retorted. Carina said nothing and that answer
was enough. Tia shook her head. The idea that they were having this
compromising conversation was unsettling. Tia felt something with Carina
she shouldn’t have, and it needed to end. “You know, I’d never do anything
to disrespect you or Bruce. Maybe coming here last night was a mistake.
Because if anything, for the first time, I feel like I insulted his memories.
They shouldn’t have found us like that.”
“Tia,” Carina called out as Tia turned to leave, headed for the front
door. “Please!” They stood close, the front door in view. Carina pinched the
bridge of her nose, a migraine from her mild hangover making its first
appearance. “Why do you always try to leave when no one’s trying to kick
you out? It’s like you’re trying to spare yourself.”
Tia waved her hands out, not knowing where to put them. A
complication like this could ruin their friendship and Tia couldn’t imagine
life without Carina and her kids. “I don’t ever want to do anything that
would dishonor Bruce and the friendship we had.”
“You could never dishonor him, Tia. Neither could I nor my kids.”
Carina reached for her hand, but Tia pulled back.
“I can’t.”
Carina wanted so badly for Tia to stop fearing the connection they
had and just be emotionally presen
t. “Tia, I’m not contemplating being with
someone else in that kind of way. I’m barely emptying the house of Bruce’s
things. I’m not ready for that.” Carina’s eyes teared up, trying to get Tia to
see the truth. “I just like being near you.” Her voice softened almost to a
whisper, vulnerable enough to share her thoughts. “You make me feel safe.
And strong. I like knowing you can lean on me too. I missed you. Neither
of us is doing anything wrong. And I’m not asking you to stay because you
remind me of Bruce in some twisted way. I’m sorry, but you don’t look or
act like him.” Carina smiled. “I like having you around. I tried the not
having you around thing, and that didn’t work out for you nor me. We’re
friends. That’s all I want and need from you.”
Tia cracked her knuckles, unsure what to think or believe.
Carina stepped forward, linking their fingers together. It amazed
Carina how soft Tia’s hands were, how she never wanted to let go. “We
need each other.”
Tia nodded. “Okay.”
*
Carina
Tia went home and it was now time to face the music. She called her
kids down wanting to talk to them. She hadn’t meant for them to walk in
with Tia and her asleep together. But she needed to be responsible and own
up to what they saw, listen to their thoughts.
“So…you guys didn’t expect to see Tia here, huh?” Carina was
nervous to have this conversation. She hadn’t processed what happened last
night. Tia and her had been talking and drinking, eventually falling asleep.
Carina wasn’t someone who fell asleep with just anyone.
“Well no!” Johnathan said. “We know auntie made you feel bad for
being Tia’s friend. We have ears,” he exaggerated, pointing to his.
“Your auntie means well. She’s just use to a certain way,” Carina
explained.
“Is it because Tia’s a lesbian?” Rina asked.
Carina smiled. She had to remind herself Rina was now 12 and
growing. The only person who looked confused by the word was Michelle.
“Lesbian?” Michelle looked up to her sister for an explanation,
wearing a frown.
“It means she likes going out with other girls.” Johnathan took the
lead on that.
“Come. Sit.” Carina let Michelle sit on her lap, while Rina and
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