by JA Low
“Ty, you don’t have to babysit me all night.” I nudge him with my elbow as another blonde eye fucks him from across the room.
“Babe, I’m not leaving you.” He gives me a smirk.
“Look, I’m going to go. I have a headache and I’m exhausted.” Tyler gives me a pout. “I’m not as young as you.” That makes him laugh and he pulls me into a big hug. “I can help walk you to the tender.”
“I’m just going to say goodbye to the rest of the crew and let them know I’m leaving. I’ll be ok.” I kiss his cheek. I love that he looks out for me, he’s such a good guy.
“Okay. Well text me when you get to the hotel so I know you’re safe.” This makes me smile. I give him a wave as I walk off. Moments later he has the blonde in his lap and they are sucking face. There’s a sea of people on board and I make my way through the crowd hoping to find someone I know.
Not finding anyone on this level, I climb down the stairs to the next one hoping to bump into someone. Further and further down the stairs I go, the quieter it gets, the throbbing in my head from the music isn’t as intense. I wonder if there are any headache pills in one of the bathrooms. There has to be at least a first aid kit somewhere. I continue walking through the maze that is this boat, trying different doors, getting kicked out, interrupting a hell of a lot of people having sex. I try another door and the room looks empty, a light shines under the closed bathroom door. I can’t hear anything, but my ears are ringing from the music. I push open the door and that’s when I realize the bathroom isn’t empty. What I wasn’t expecting was to see someone I know in the shower with another person. A person who is currently on their knees servicing him. My brain has stopped computing the image that I am seeing, because never in a million years did I ever expect this. Never. My stomach turns. The throbbing in my head comes back with a vengeance. He then looks over the brunette’s hair; those sea green eyes widen then look back to the person sucking his dick. This is why I will never be good enough for Finn Connolly. Finn’s hands push the brunette from him.
“Isla.” I shake my head and stumble back a couple of steps as if I’ve been sucker punched in the stomach. This. I never expected this. Google didn’t come up with this situation when I googled kinks, they didn’t tell me that Finn might like men sucking his cock. Oh my God, has he been faking it with me all these years? Everything becomes a blur. I need to get away from him. I can’t be here. I feel claustrophobic. My chest is tightening up. I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe. “Isla.” His voice echoes through the empty halls.
“Leave me alone.” My shaky hands hit the wooden railing as I stumble back up the stairs in my stupid heels. Finn catches up with me, he grabs me, helping me from falling further. “Don’t touch me,” I hiss, ripping my arm from his touch as if it burned me. My heart is literally breaking in two as he stares at me. I don’t know who he is.
“Let me explain.” I don’t want to hear it. I turn and make my way up the steps. He grabs me again. I spin around and glare at him, devastation sinks into my bones.
“I don’t know who you are.” Tears fall down my cheeks. The person standing in front of me is a stranger. Finn’s face falls, he’s turned a pale shade of grey. “You betrayed me.”
“Issy.” A tear falls down his cheek.
“You lied to me. All these years you lied. You used me. You gave me false hope that one day we could be together. Who the hell are you?” Finn takes a step back from my tirade. “I want nothing to do with you.” Another tear drops down his cheek. “You broke my heart.” I can’t control the flow of my own tears now. “I never want to see you again. We’re done.” I throw hurtful words at him as I try and grapple with my shock. He lets me go. He doesn’t argue with me. He doesn’t come after me. He doesn’t fight for me.
I text Tyler when I get home letting him know I’m okay. Which is a lie. I stare up at the white ceiling of my hotel room. Finn Connolly likes men? Was he only ever with me as a cover? Was I his beard? I never suspected anything. My body curls up into the fetal position as the first rays of the morning light rises for the day. My eyes eventually becoming too heavy to hold open anymore and I fall into a fitful sleep as my subconscious tries to unravel the surprise I witnessed this evening.
Los Angeles
It’s been a week since that fateful night on the boat. I’ve kept my distance from Finn and he has kept his as well. I don’t know him anymore. How could he keep this huge secret from me? Does Oscar know? Has he been with Derrick? Chance? What if he has and they are all laughing at me? The pathetic girl who has a crush on the gay man. Is Finn gay? No, I’ve seen him with women. The way he is with me, the way he loves going down on me. If he was really gay that should repulse him, shouldn’t it? Maybe he’s bisexual. But I’ve never seen him with another man. I’ve never seen him check another guy out. Maybe you weren’t looking for it. But now that I know, how can I ever look at him the same? God, my heart hurts so much.
My phone beeps. It’s a text from Wes.
Wes: I need a drinking buddy. My life sucks.
Me: Come over to mine. I’ll have pizza waiting. Here I am on a Friday night in bed while Oscar is out all weekend. Fuck Finn Connolly.
Wes: See ya in 20.
“Okay, this was not what I had planned when you came over last night.” Wes scrubs his face as the sunshine streams through the windows. I roll over and snuggle into his side.
“I know. It wasn’t what I had planned either.” I give him a smile. “I’m sorry Shelby screwed you over.” Wes had found out that Shelby, his girlfriend of a couple of months and his employee, was actually stealing from the till. She also had a boyfriend and was just using him for his money. Pretty messed up.
“It is what it is.” He shrugs underneath me. “Are you going to talk to me about what’s going on with you? I mean, not like I am complaining about last night but you seemed upset too. Did something happen with Finn?” I close my eyes. I don’t want to talk about it.
“I think the realization that I’m not what Finn wants is sinking in.” Wes pushes the hair from my face.
“Well he’s pretty stupid then.” I give him a small smile.
“It’s just a long and complicated relationship and maybe I need to cut myself off from it. Put myself into Finn rehab,” I joke.
“Maybe you need a change. You know, anytime you need a job I have one for you.” I look up at him, he’s another good guy. Why can’t I want him the way I want Finn?
“Thanks.” I might take him up on that soon.
205
Isla
One month later
I can’t believe we are here, in England, getting ready for Vanessa and Christian’s fairy tale wedding. The castle is huge; I keep getting lost in it. I feel like I’m on a movie set, but everything is actually real. Olivia points out her family crest, the paintings and tapestries that line the walls. She’s told us the history of them and how they are hundreds of years old. I can’t imagine owning something for hundreds of years, that each generation can see the one before. It’s pretty cool.
Everyone is in a good mood, you can feel the excitement in the air, the love, and I’m jealous of it. I don’t mean to be but finding out who Finn really is has put me into some kind of deep funk and I can’t seem to get out of it. It has me questioning everything in my life. We’re having a girls’ night tonight and we’ve just gorged ourselves on Sebastien’s amazing food. The boys have headed off to the games room with whiskeys in hand and we are lazing around the open fire in our pajamas sipping hot chocolates. We are total rock stars in this moment. Snow has started to fall outside; I watch as the tiny white specks float to the ground. This place is magic.
“I still can’t believe it,” Derrick says to Camryn. I feel for her as I know what’s it’s like to be blindsided by the one you love. At least mine was a private moment unlike hers. Her ex sounds like a real douchebag. She unknowingly organized his engagement party, yep, his engagement party. She had no idea that her partner of six months
was a cheating scumbag. Men. They suck!
“You and me both.” Camryn gives Derrick a weak smile. She left New York early and came to the castle to help prepare the event so she wouldn’t have to see his smug face on all the social pages with his new fiancée. I don’t blame her for wanting to run away, I kind of feel like I want to too.
“And he seriously had no idea you were organizing it?” Sienna asks. Camryn shakes her head.
“His father had set it all up,” Kimberly adds. “Camryn’s been busy with organizing your wedding and other things, so I took the initial call. If I had known, I would never ever have done it.” You can see it on her business partner, Kimberley’s, face, she feels awful about putting Camryn through that.
“At least it was the talk of the town for being the best engagement party of the year.” Camryn gives us a weak smile. “So I guess it kind of backfired because we are getting so much business off of his engagement party.”
“Karma,” I add.
“I know it might be too soon, but what eligible bachelors are coming to this wedding?” Derrick questions, always the matchmaker.
“Derrick…” Camryn rolls her eyes at him.
“I’m sorry, Cammie, but I want to know, it’s not all about you,” Kimberly butts in as she nudges her friend which makes her laugh, a proper laugh.
“We have the Sons of Brooklyn boys,” Derrick rattles off.
“Except Blake,” Charlotte whispers.
“Yes, yes, sweetie he’s all yours.” Derrick smiles. “And we only have Axel left in Dirty Texas, but then again, if the serious fuck me eyes he was throwing Olivia’s way was any indication, then probably not.”
Olivia stays quiet but she is most definitely blushing.
“What about Nate? You know you would be in for a good time with him, I bet he is kinky as fuck,” Derrick adds.
“I bet he’s a playboy, he looks like one,” Sienna adds.
We all nod in agreement; I guess if you own sex clubs around the world then you are getting sex on tap.
“The California Bros. boys are coming as well,” I add.
“So they will all be free, unless Isla is hooking up with Wes on the sly.” Derrick looks at me; I don’t say a word.
“Wait…” Derrick picks up on my non communication. “You told us that nothing has ever happened between you and Wes.”
“You know I am a hot mess.”
“Isla.” Derrick’s voice lowers. “What is going on?”
“Fine, but I was never going to tell you guys because…well because of your interrogations.”
“But I thought you didn’t like Wes like that.” Vanessa states.
“I don’t, but I can still appreciate a hot as fuck guy, plus we are friends.” This is why I don’t tell my friends, they always have so many questions.
“Friends who obviously fuck,” Derrick adds.
I roll my eyes at him. “True, we have just taken our friendship to a different level.” I can’t tell them the real reason why. That I needed to feel like there wasn’t something wrong with me.
“But why?” Sienna asks, equally invested in this soap opera that is my life.
“We got drunk one night and one thing led to another.”
“Issy, you are not telling us all the juicy stuff,” Derrick adds.
“Fine, he had just broken up with this skank he was seeing, she worked in his bar, I told him it was a stupid idea to hook up with his staff, but you know men, they are mesmerized by boobs.” They all nod in agreement. “Anyway, he caught her stealing from the till, he also found out she had a boyfriend who she liked to bang on the bar after hours.”
“That sucks,” Ivy, Camryn’s sister, adds.
“Sure does, he came over and told me all about it and I decided I would cheer him up.”
“By using your pussy, good idea,” Derrick laughs.
“It wasn’t like that.” Isla makes a face at Derrick. “We just got drunk, and one thing lead to another and we slept together.”
“Finn is going to be pissed if he finds out,” Stacey tells her.
“Whatever, remember I am on a Finn detox, so it doesn’t matter.”
“Seriously, Isla, how the hell do you get yourself into such predicaments?” Vanessa asks.
“I know I’m a hot mess. I’m kind of a disaster and I have no idea why.” Everyone bursts out laughing at me. Assholes.
“Um, it starts and ends with your feelings for Finn,” Stacey tells me.
“Urgh, my feelings. Feelings get in the way and are annoying.” I let out a heavy sigh. “Look, Finn is an idiot, but so am I.” I look at them all, but they don't say a word. “I know that the chances of Finn and I being together are slim. I know you all think I’m naïve, but things between us are a little more complicated than an old teenage crush.” Saying it out loud to my friends hurt. “I now know I’m not enough for Finn.” Hold it together. “But we’ve had this thing between us for so long it’s kind of become normal. I’ve tried to fight it but we just keep falling back into old patterns. I need it to stop.”
“Maybe it’s time for a change,” Charlotte tells me. “Like moving out of the home you share with Oscar.”
“I haven’t really lived on my own.” Wow that sounds pathetic. At least I know Charlotte understands what it’s like to live in the bubble that is Dirty Texas all your life.
“Maybe a new job as well,” Charlotte adds.
I freeze. “You mean leave Dirty Texas?”
“Yeah, you have worked there your whole entire adult life. You are with them twenty-four seven. I have known you most of my life, Isla, and don’t forget I’m the one that saw the two of you as kids, I know I was young but I had eyes. Is being the band’s assistant always what you wanted to do?”
“I think Charlotte is being Dr. Phil.” Derrick smirks.
“I think she is…” I pause, “…but I kind of think she might be right.”
“I am?” Charlotte seems shocked.
“Yeah, all my life I have been at the boys’ beck and call, maybe it’s time I find myself, find out what I want outside of Dirty Texas.” My heart begins to pump with excitement.
“Well we need help,” Sienna adds. I think I need a complete break from the Dirty Texas world, move far, far away from everything.
“That sounds awesome, but maybe I need to move further away from Finn, you know, instead of next door.”
“Sebastien needs an assistant. He is so busy and needs someone who he can trust,” Yvette adds.
“Working with Sebastien?” My eyes widen.
“Yeah, you would be based in Europe, so that is pretty far from Finn,” Yvette confirms with a smile.
“And you think he would hire me? I mean I don’t know anything about food or chefs or Europe.” Europe. Far away from Finn. This is sounding like a dream.
Yvette chuckles, “I’m pretty sure working for Dirty Texas for all these years you are way over qualified for him.”
I turn to Vanessa. “Am I fucking things up for you and Dirty Texas Records if I think about leaving? I mean you are going to be having a baby soon and…” I want to be selfish but how can I leave Ness and the gang high and dry.
“Isla, don’t worry about me, I can find a replacement. I just want you to be certain this is the right thing for you to do? Leaving Dirty Texas? Leaving Finn?”
“We know someone that can take over the PR for Dirty Texas,” Camryn adds.
“Who?” Vanessa asks her.
“Harper,” she says with a smile. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner, but she would be kind of perfect.” Camryn explains that Harper Rose runs a successful PR firm in New York and is best friends with Camryn and Kimberly.
“She’s coming to the wedding you could talk to her about it.”
“She could even work from New York. I know the boys are looking at adding an East Coast office to the mix next year,” Vanessa adds, I can see her mind working over. “I think that would work, depends on what the boys say.”
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br /> “So does that mean Isla can go on an adventure with sexy Sebastien?” Derrick asks.
“I can’t see why not, I don’t think Finn or Oscar are going to like it, but I think Isla deserves a break from all things Dirty Texas that she has been dealing with over the years. Why not have a change? Maybe then Finn might realize what he has when Isla’s not around anymore.” I wish I had Vanessa’s enthusiasm about Finn missing me.
“This is kind of crazy though.” I mean it’s one thing to think about it, it’s another thing to have your new life planned out for you in five minutes.
“Yes, but you need a new adventure,” Stacey adds.
“Forget Finn and start living,” Derrick tells me.
“This is your time now, no regrets, this is about you not them anymore,” Charlotte gives me a pep talk.
“Okay, well, if Sebastien is okay with it, then yeah, I think it’s time for a new adventure.” Holy shit I can’t believe I am doing this.
206
Finn
We’ve just had the rehearsal dinner and everyone is in a jovial mood. Our families have gone to bed, just leaving the normal crew in the dining hall. Everyone’s had one too many glasses of champagne celebrating Christian and Vanessa’s upcoming wedding. Isla still isn’t talking to me; she won’t even make eye contact with me. This is exactly what I thought would happen. I now disgust her. She doesn’t look at me the same. I’ve ruined everything.