by Grace Gervas
Received. Sheswallowed,andsuckedinadeepbreathwhilenoting thewordstoherhead.NoClaire,don'tfallforit.Shereminded herself,anddecidedtoturnoffthephonealtogether.Between workinguntillate,havingsandwichforlunch,discussingand revisingthedesigns,andreceivingfewcallsfromRyanthatshe deliberatelyignored,andonlyrepliedoneortwoofhistextsper diem;theweekeventuallyflewbyanditwasFridayonceagain. Nathanwalkedintotheirofficeandclaspedhishandswitha smile.
"Okayguys,"hesaidwithapause."we'llbehavinga wrappingupmeetingafterlunch.We'refinallydonewiththis andIhopeeveryonewillgettosleepbetterthisweekend.Good jobeveryone!"Hesaidproudlyandgotrewardedwithcheers andhappycomments.Ithadbeenaveryhecticweek,andfor once,Clairefeltshewasreallydoingajob."Getyourselfready forMondayLevy,wearegoingtoSKandIhopeeverythinggoes well."
Clairewasstartled."I'mgoingagain?"sheuttered.
"Ofcourseyouare,whydoyoulooksurprisedwhilewe've beeninthistogetherfromthestart?"heremarked. "Um--well,nothing.It'sokay."Sherepliedandherbiggest horrorreturnedtohaunther.Itwassuchagreatrelieftofinally finishtheinfamousSKprojectatlast,however;eventhough theystillremainedwaryofwhatMr.RyanStevenswouldsay afterthenextpresentation.Allinalleveryoneseemedtobe optimisticastheymutuallysuggestedtogooutforaroundof drinksortwoatRocket.
"Weshouldcelebrateforkillingthisproject,right?"Nathan asked,laterastheyweresigningoutforaday.
"Sure,whynot?"Clairerepliedtotheinvite. "Cool!Onlyifyoupromisethatwewon'tgetbustedagain." Hereturnedjokinglyandtheysharedalaugh,alittlefarther fromthepryingeyeswhilewaitingfortheelevator'sdoorsto open.
TheteamhadeightmembersexcludingNathanPanther, theleader;andeveryoneslippedintoaspaciouscabinoncethe doorsslidapart.Whatfollowedwasjustusualcheerfulremarks andfewstorieswhiledescendingthefloors.Clairewas exceptionallyquite;thinkingofonepersoninparticular.Her phonehasbeenoffthewholeday,andit'swhathadprevented herfromhearingawordfromRyan.Andshewasclearlymissing him.
"WhataboutyouClaire?HowmuchcanyoubetthatLydia willgetwastedtonightasshealwaysdoes?"Itwasavoiceof ChristopherAmbrose,anotherjokerbeforeNathanPanther, whopluckedherfromthespace.
"Huh?"Shegasped."Um--ahundredbucks?"Sheuttered withoutknowingandearnedherselffewimpressedgasps. "Woah!I'mteamClaireguys,Winnerstakeall.Sopraythat youdon'ttastemyshotsLydia,whichyousurelywill."Chrissaid andtheladyinquestionrolledhereyes.
"Okaywhat'sgoingonagain?"ClaireaskedNathaninalow voice. Heshruggedwithagiggle."You'vejustearnedorlost yourselfsomecashhere.Youshouldstartpayingmoreattention tothemifyoudon'twanttocommitfewerrorsinfuture!"He saidcasuallyandthedoorsopenedatlast.
"Oh,thanksforthewarning."Sherepliedandtheystarted movingout."SohowmuchdoIgetChris,incaseourbetwins?" Shedecidedtoindulgeintoateamconversationthatfilledthe quietlobbywithcollectivenoisesastheypassedthrough.Itwas alreadydarkoutside,probablyaroundseven-thirtyormore. Theywerelikehighschoolersontheirwayhomefromschool, givenhowchatteringandlaughingeveryonewas.
SuddenlyNathanuttered,"Levy?"
"Nathan?whatitit?"Shereplied,withherlaughstill lingeringherlips. "Overthere?"Hedirectedherwithhiseyes,andwhen followed,shesawashort,baldmanwithaplumpbelly;Mr. Cornwall,theircompanyPresident,talkingtoanotherman whosesightmadeherheartskipabeat;itwasapersonshe couldrecognizeinjustahalfofherglance,andshedidjustso.
"Whatishedoinghere?Shethoughtoutloud.
"Youshouldprobablyaskhimyourself."Nathansaid teasinglyandClaireshothimaglare. "No,let'sjustgobecauseIcouldreallyuseadrinktonight." Sheurgedhim,buttheloudlaughterfromtherestwasenough torepressthemfrombeingincognito.Thetwomenintopic werejustfewstepsaway,neartheimmediateparkinglotand thelightswereluminousenoughtospotbothdirections.
"Ithinkit'snotagoodidea.YouknowthatbetterthanIdo, soareyousureyouwanttoleave?"Heinsisteduponseeingthat shewasn'tactuallydecisiveenough,justfromthelookofher face.Theyweremovingslowlyasfewofthemembershadgone tofetchtheircarsreadytohittheclub.
"Ohdamnit!WhydoyouhavetobesohonestNathan?" shescoldeduponhisremark,andheonlylaughed. WhenClaireglancedoveragain,hereyescollidedwith Ryan's,whoseemedtohavebeenwatchingherforawhile.He wasdressedinablackofficesuit,withhishandsdugintohis pantspocketsasusual,andseeminglyhalf-interestedwith whatevertheStarlightPresidentwassaying.Herheartbeats acceleratedandsheswallowedhard.
"GuysClairewon'tjoinusfordrinkstonight.Solet'sjustget goingalready,becauseI'mmissingmybedalready."Nathan mutteredandtherestofthegrouplookeddisappointed.
"Ohno,that'sterrible!"criedChris.
"RelaxAmbrose,she'lldefinitelypaythebet,rightLevy?" Nathancontrived.
Clairechuckled."Ofcourse.Justkeepmepostedpartner!" shetoldChris,andit'swhensomeoneelsejumpedin. "Butwhyissheleaving?Ithoughtitwasateamthing,oris shetoogoodtojoin?"ItwasLydia'ssarcasticremark.Fromthe verystart,shehadbeenhostiletowardsClaire;shehatedthe latter'sguts,andshedidn'tlikeherbeingpartoftheteamso easilywhileittookherlongerthanthattobecomeareal designer.However,noneofthatseemedtobotherClaire,she onlysmiled.
"NoLydia,I'lljoinyounexttime.I'mjusthavinganissue rightnow."saidClaireandNathansecondedbybreakingthe groupandallstartedheadingintothecars."Havefun!"Shetold himandhebeamedback.
Afterashortsigh,Claireshiftedherattentionbacktothe oppositedirection,wheretheStarlightPresidentandRyanwere shakinghandsbeforetheformerwalkedaway,inacompanyof ayoungmanwhoseemedtobehisdriverorsomething.Itwas justRyanremained,andheregardedherwithalingeringsmile asifconcealingtheurgetoletoutarealone.Sheblewoffsome air,firmedthestrapsofherblackhandbagonhershoulder,and startedmarchingtowherehewasstanding.
"Youlooktired."Ryanregardedherhalf-cordially-halfmockingly.
"Ifitweren'tthatyou'retheboss,I'dsaythatyou'restalking me."Clairesaidwithsamemanners. Hemovedcloser."StalkingistoomuchClaire,butyou're notfartherfromthetruth."Hesmiledcharmingly,andthesight madehershudder.Shemissedhim,andsheadmittedinside. "Whyisyourphoneoff?"headdedwhileeyeingherintentlyas thoughhewasinspectingforanypossiblechanges.
"BecauseIdecidedso."
"Exactlywhydidyoudecideso?"
"Becauseit'smineandIcandowhateverthehellIwant." shereplied.AndbecauseIwasavoidingyou,shethought. Ryanlaughed."Ithoughtyoumight'vechangedalittleina weektime,butno,you'restillasstubbornasever."heremarked andsheonlyshrugged."Wellsinceyou'vedeliberatelytriedto avoidme,Idecidedtocomeseeyoumyself.Howaboutdinner, hadonealready?"
"Iwasgoingforfewdrinks,untilyoushowedupandIhad topostpone."sheansweredaccusingly.
Hearchedhisbrows."Ohdrinks?With...?"
Shesighed."NotNathan,buttheentireteamRyan,ifthat's whereyou'reheading."shesnappedandhesmiled."Youdo knowthatI'mstillangryatyou,don'tyou?"sheremindedhim. "Ido,butthat'snotthereasonwhyI'mhere,"hesaid."you rememberaboutdinnertomorrowright?becauseyouaccepted myinvitation."Heutteredanditcamelikeapang.
Howcouldshehaveforgottenaboutit?Clairewondered whilebitingherlipssavagely.Sheknewhewasgongtouseit againsther.
"Iremember,butthatwasbefore.Iwon'tbeabletomake it."Sherepliedwhileclaspingherlittlescarletjackettogether, andpinneditwithherfoldedarmsacrossherchest.
"Ohreally?"Ryanmovedevencloser."WhatcancanIdo then?Becausegrandfatherisalreadyexpectingyou."his glisteningeyesshonedownather.
Claireexhaledsharply."Idon'tbelieveyou;you'relyingjust soyoucantrapmeintocomingwithyou."Shecontradictedlike achild.Itwasdifficultenoughhavinghimsoclosetoherthatit stressedhernerves,andtherehewas,smilingboldlyather.
"Okay,waitasecond."Ryanutteredandtuckedouthis cellphone;hetouchedthescreenwhileshewatchedhim, clueless,untilheplacedittohisear.
Shequizzicallyfixedhereyesonhim,ashissmilewidened, andhishandreachedforherfaceandbrushedhercheek,which sheimmediatelypushedaway,causinghimtogigglelikealittle boy.Shenearlyjoinedin,forhelookedveryrelaxeddoingthose sillygesturesthatcostheragreatdealofbodyheat.Shehad probablymissedhimmorethatshethought.
"You'resick!"Shesnappedandheimmediatelystarted talkingtotheoneonthephone. "Ohhigrandfather?"RyanstartedandClaireshothima what-the-hecklook;hesmiled."Noit'snothingmuch,Ijust wantedtoaskifyouIfit'sokaytobringClairefordinner tomorrow,becauseshemissesyoutoomuch."headdedand thistimeshegaspedwithtotalamazementofhowcrazythat manbeforeheractuallywas."Ohisthatso?Wellthat'sgreat, andshe'sactuallyrighthere,soyoucantellheryourself."he saidandhandedherthephone,togetherwithaboyishsmile. "It'sgrandfather,hewantstotalktoyou."hesaid.
"Whydidhesaytomakeyoulaughlikethat?"Heasked immediately.
"Noneofyourbusiness!"Shesnapped. "Oops,seemsI'mbeingleftoutnow."Hefeignedsadness andsheonlyscowledathim."So?We'resetnow,aren'twe?" Ryanaskedasshereturnedhimthephone.Withsuchasperity, Claireleaptathimandtriedtohithimrandomlyonthechest,in attempttoreleaseheranger;buthefastgrabbedherwrists.
Feelingrefrained,shewhined"You'resuchaliarRyanhow couldyou--"andherlipswereshutbyahardkissonher yearninglipsasRyanpressedhertightlyagainsthisbody.Itwas startling,toosudden,andveryunexpectedkissthatinasecond, turnedherhotandyieldedtohismouldingtongueexploringher mouthinawayonlyhewascapableof.
Shehadcompletelyforgottenwhereshewas,andthatit wasallagainstherresolutionfewminutesago;butit'swhatshe wanted,deepwithintherewasapartofherthatneededit,and withoutrealizingshewaskissinghimhungrilyuntilbothpulled apart.Itwasalong,yetlingeringkissasClaireturnedaround breathlessly.
Shewaspantingheavily,tryingtoregainhermomentum afteranothermomentofweakness.Shehatedherselfforbeing soweak;ittookheronesingletouchfromRyan,tosuccumb completelyathismercy.Shecouldn'tunderstandwhathad gonewrongforherbodytobecomesuchatraitorofitsown mind.LuckilytherewasnosoularoundtowitnesssuchanPGratedscene;havingascandalatworkwasthelastofherwishes foralifetime.
"I'lldriveyouhome."Ryansaid,andhewasprettyserious thathadbeenbefore.Clairedrewinadeepbreathbeforefacing himagain,alittleaghastuponthechangeofhisvoice."Please don'tstartprotesting,I'lljusttakeyoutoyourhouseand nothingmore."headdedcalmly.
Honestly,whatRyanhadsaidwasn'twhatdisturbedClaire, butratherthechangeofhisfacialexpressionandvoice altogether.Itwasasthoughhewasregrettingkissingherwhich neverhappenedbefore.Shestaredathimwordlessly,and slowlywalkedtohisBlackMercedess-class;possiblyathirdcar shehadseenhimwith.Hefollowedwithanexasperated sigh.Theytookacarrideinsilence.Itwasevidentthatthekiss hadaffectedRyanhimself;itwasthefirstkisshehadwithher outofhisownconviction.Itsimplyhappened,somethinghe wasn'tincontrolof.Hehatedthefeeling;hehatedtobe emotionallyinvolved,andthatpreciselyhadstartedtobecome thecase.Hehadbeenalwaysincontrol;intotalcontrol,and utterlydespisedbeingledwithstupidemotions,andthat womannexttohim,hadstartedtobreakthebarricadesandhe knewithadtostop.
"WhydidyoulieaboutDoris?"Clairebrokethesilenceafter decidingitwastimetogetitoverwith. "Idon'tknowwhyIdid."Ryansaidcurtly.
"What?Whatdoyoumeanyoudon'tknow?"shebarked.
Hebreathedaudibly."IguessIthoughtitwasn'timportant atfirst,"heexplainedvaguely."becauseIhadnoideawewould seeeachotheragain;noIknewwewouldseeeachotheragain." HestumbledathiswordsandClairestaredathim
contemptuously.Helookedather."Ijustdidn'tthinkitwould mattertoyou,Ithoughtitwasn'tabigdeal,butitbeguntobe, andIwasgoingtotellyou.''
"When?Shesnapped.
"Thelasttimeyouwereatmyplace,butIdon'tknowwhat happenedandItslippedmymind."hesaidtruthfully. Claireonlysmirked;itwasdifficulttounderstandhim,and evenhardertounderstandherself.Whatwassheseeingonhim? Whatwassoimportantabouthimthatshehadtoputupwith hisselfishnessandinconsideration?Sheaskedherselfandgot noanswerinreturn.
"No,theanswerissimpleRyan.Youdon'tcareabout anyonebutyou,you'reselfish,you'retooproudandtoo arrogant,that'swhatyouare!"Shesaidwitheyesfixedatthe front.Shefeltatingeattheheart,anditreallypainedherto admithisfaults,andultimatelyshefeltasingleteardroprolling down,butquicklywipeditoff,followedwithasoftsigh.
"You'reright."Hesaidandshealmostlaughed,apainful laugh."I'mallthatyou'vementionedClaire,"headdedwithhis eyesattheroadinfront,justlikeClaire's."andthat'swhy,I think...I'mlettingyougonow."
Ifeyeballscouldescapetheeyes,thenClaire'swould've beenmilesawaybythen."Whatdidyousay?"Sheuttered, lookingathimdirectly.
Ryanfacedher,andsmiledgently."I'mleavingyoualone Claire,justasyouwanted."Herepeated;hisfacerelaxed,and hisvoicecalm,sounlikely."Iwon'tbotheryouagain,soyoucan gobacktoyourlifebeforewemetandforgetaboutme.I'mnot goodforyou."
Clairewaslossatwords.Shelookedathim,andnosyllable cameoutofhermouth,onlytearsbrimmedherbeautifuleyes, oneblinkandtheywould'vestreameddownherface."Stopthe car!"Shefinallyuttered,withoutbreakingtheeyecontact.
Ryanfrowned."Areyoucrazy?We'reinthemiddleofthe road."hetoldher. "ISAIDSTOPTHEDAMNCAR!"Sheyelledandhejuststared atherphysicallyunaffected.Nowtearswererollingdown,and herfacestiffenedasshetriedtoopenthelockeddoorina frenzy.Shewasalmostlikeaprick;butsheonlywantedtobefar awayfromhim,farawaysothathewon'twitnesshershading tearslikeatimidteenager.
"Okay,I'mgoingtopullover."Ryansaidworriedly,anddid asmuch.Clairerunforthehandlerandswungthedooropenas ifshewasbeingchasedandonlystoppedtosay;
"You'reanasshole;abiginconsiderateasshole!"She snappedwithgreetedteethamidhersobs,andslammedthe doorafterwards.
CHAPTER20
Itwascoldallofasudden.Itwasmid-summerbutshewas surprisinglyfeelingaterrificchill.Shefastenedthesidesofher scarletjacketandenvelopedherselftightlywhilewalkingatsuch apaceintoafoot-walklane,obliviousofanythingandanyone aroundher.Clairehadn'tanticipatedhearingsuchathingfrom Ryan;sheknewhewasallgamesbutknowinghowcruellyhe hadturnedthetablesmadeherlosehermind.Shecouldno longerrepresshertears;shejustletthemflowdownendlessly whilewalkingalongsideamildtrafficjam.Intheendhehadjust donewhatshe'dalwaysaskedhimto;hehadfinallylefther alone,butitstillfeltsurreal.
"Stopcryingalreadyyoudummy!"Shesnappedherself aloud."It'sexactlywhatyouwanted,soshutit!"Shesobbed.It waspainful;foroncesheregrettedmeetinghim,thatheshould havejustletherdiethatonestormynight.Noneofitwould've happenedthen,buttheoppositewasherreality,andshehadto faceit.
Clairerealizedshewastired,prettyfarfromhome,andher legshadalreadyincurredsomeblistersfromherlongpumps. Shewantedtobehomeassoonaspossible,buttherewasno signoftaxi,neitherofanybus.ShedecidedtogiveJorgeacall; forthefirsttimesheneededhishelp,shecouldn'tcarelessof lookingvulnerable,andonlyhehappenedtocrosshermind,as heronlyMessiah.
"I'llberightthere,andcalmdownplease."Jorgeurgedher onthephone. "Okay.Pleasehurry."Shebreathedthewords,likeachild aftercryingforawhile.Andshesatdownatsomeconvenient store,withhershoesoffherlegs.Anditoccurredtoherthatshe mightneedtouseflatsforfewdaysuntiltheblistershealed.
Aboutamhourorso,Clairearrivedhome,togetherwith Jorgewhokeptaskingifshewasfeelingbetter.Hewasvery quickatpickingherup,andevenfedherdespiteherfirm decisiontoskipdinner.Intheendshehadfewbitesofchicken saladsandahalfglassoffreshjuice.
"Areyousureyoudon'twannatalkaboutit?"Heaskedher yetagain.
Shehadtosmile."I'mfineJorge.Thankyouforpickingme up,andI'msorryforthedisturbance." "Itwasn'tabothertrustme.I'mgladthatyoucalled,at leastIfeellikearealbigbrothernow."Jorgesaidinhisfaint humor,whicheitherway,managedtomakeClairelaugh.
"AndI'mhappytoexperiencehowbeingalittlesisterfeels like."Shetoldhim."Well,haveagoodnightJorge,andI'llwork onmylicensenextweek;Ijusthopetheywon'taskmetoretake adrivingtest."sheaddedanditmadeherheartstingwhenshe recalledRyantellingherjustthat;getyourselfalicenceClaire, willyou?
Itwasonlyaweekago,andshewaslaughinghardatthe expenseofhisbossyvoice;butnoneofthatmatteredanymore, forhehadsetherfreeandshehadtobehappyforit.Afterfew minutesoftalkingbythestairs,withherheadonthecloudsthat shecouldbarelyhearwhatJorgehadsaid,sherushedintoher roomupstairs.Onceinside,thenostalgicfeelingoverwhelmed her.Sherecalledthekisstheysharedpubliclyjustanhouror twoago,andonlytohearhimsaythathewaslettinghergo.A stupidlaughescapedhermouth,mingledwithridiculoussobs, almostuncontrollableones.Shefeltangryandhurtatthesame time;shewantedtoscreamoutloudjusttoreleasetheanguish.
Afterleaningbehindthedoorforawhile,shedecidedto changeandslipintocomfortablepyjamaswithoutevena shower.Shejustwantedtoliedownandseeifshecouldsleep; whichshecouldn'tasmemoriesflashedbacklikeamovie
. Admittedly,Ithadbeenonehellofarollercoasterbeingwith Ryan,butitfeltwayabsurdbeingawayfromhim.Itwasavoid shecouldn'texplain,butthenremindedherselfthatitwas exactlywhatshewantedseveralhoursago,andmaybethebest thingtohavehappened.Andthensherolledagain,andturned, andtossed;thebedfeltbiggerthanusual,andshewishedhe wastherewithher,toholdherpossessivelyashealwaysdid, buthewasn'tthere;itwasallover.
Andthemorningcame,butnothinghadchanged.Claire decidedtohaveacupofteainthekitchen,whileeveryoneelse wasasleep.Wakingupearlyhadbecomehernorm,exceptfor whenshesleptatRyan's;thethoughtmadeherheartshrink. Andareminderthatshewasactuallyinvitedfordinneratthe Stevensthatveryday,madehershuddertothebones. ObviouslyRyanwasgoingtobethere,butshewasgoingtobe fine,shedecided.Shewasgoingtogetthere,andsmilebrightly beforedinner,andmaybetalkwhileatit,andinawhileshe'dgo backhome.
"Heythere,soearlyintheweekendandyou'reupalready?" Jorgeappearedoutofnowhereforaglassofwater. Clairelookedoverhershoulder."Ithinkitrunsinthefamily, lookwho'stalking!"Shefaintlysmiledathim,asheleaned casuallyatthebreakfasttable.
"Maybe.Istillhavesomeworkintheoffice.Andhoware youfeelingtoday?" "I'mgood!"Shefedhimexactlythesamelieshe'dbeen feedingherselfsincedawn."I'mactuallygoingtothecountry housetoday,soIhopetogetmyselfinvigoratedformywork battleonMonday."shesmiledwidely,infacadeofshowing enthusiasm.
"That'sgood."Jorgesaid. LATERintheafternoon,Clairehadjustarrivedatthebeach house,onlytofinditallemptywithnosignofanyonearound. Sheimmediatelymadeacalltohergrandfatherwhilesettling herselftothemasterbedroom.Thecallwasquickandshe learnedthathehadgoneoutoftowntoattendpersonalmatters; hehadfewrelativesofhisownafterall,andClaireunderstood thatwell.Shehadoncetoldhimthattheycouldcomeoverany timetovisitandstayifnecessary;shelovedhavingmanypeople aroundandfeelthelaughterfillingthefrontyard,orthe breakfastparlourlikemanyyearsbeforewhenthehousehad severalworkersandherfamilywasfull.
Decidedly,sheinformedBrunoofherpresenceandas expected,hewaselatedwiththenewsandquicklyaskedherto dropbyhisrestaurant.Claireagreedrightaway;whatwasthe pointofbroodingallbyherselfinsuchahugebungalow?She madenopointto.Ittookheronlythirtyminutestocatchupat Bruno's.