I feel Bodhi’s fingers glide across my face, pushing my hair back behind my ear. I glance up at him. His beautiful brown eyes look so concerned. “Are you okay?” he asks. “Not like, right now—well yes, right now … but these last few years too? Is everything okay?”
I sigh and gaze down at my hands. “No, but I’ve learned over the last few years that I don’t have control over my happiness, or my life. At least not right now. I pretend everything’s perfect. I’m good at pretending. It’s easier than accepting the fact that everything is screwed up.”
He rubs circles on my thumb. I stare down at his fingers, watching them try to comfort me with this small, innocent gesture.
“Is it your parents? Or Porter?” he questions.
I know saying Porter’s name is hard for him. Hearing it come from Bodhi’s mouth makes my stomach queasy.
“How long has everything been so awful?” he continues.
I’m not ready for big questions. It’s hard enough to even admit to myself everything that’s wrong in my life. I don’t know how I’d begin to speak it all out loud to him.
“You don’t have to answer,” he tells me. I can sense him pulling away a little.
“All of them,” I whisper. “It’s all three of them, and forever. Since after the accident. It’s like I’m stuck in a web and can see what’s going on around me, but I can’t do anything about it to get myself unstuck. I have to live with it, stuck in it until …” I search for the right words. “Until I find a way to be happy again?”
Bodhi’s hand disappears from my shoulder. He brings it up to my cheek, staring into my eyes the whole time. His warm fingers move in circles until they reach my neck where he rests them there. I have chills over every part of my entire body.
“You don’t owe them your happiness though,” he tells me. “No matter what the situation is.”
“Situations,” I make clear. “Numerous, numerous situations, and no, I don’t, but I’ve been doing it for so long already.”
Bodhi’s hand leaves my neck and he picks up a stray palm, throwing it into the water. “Porter,” he says his name again, looking at me. “Is Porter one of your situations? I don’t want to jump to conclusions here, or hope that I’m right, because god, I hope I’m right. I want to be right. But you and Porter? It doesn’t seem like you …?”
I glance over at Porter’s house as Bodhi’s sentence lingers in front of me. I then look back at Bodhi and say, “I’m afraid of what will happen if I end it. When I end it. It needs to end. It should have ended a while ago. I tried. I really did, but I’m afraid everything will explode when I do it for real.”
“Afraid for who? Yourself? Who is it you’re afraid for?”
I don’t know how to answer him. I stare off into the Halifax and stumble for words, but nothing coherent comes from my mouth. It’s so screwed up, my life and the lies I live. It’s too much. I can’t drag Bodhi down with me, but I can’t seem to get up and run away from him either.
The silence grows longer. “Eva,” he says, “are you happy right now, right this very second?”
A small smile appears on my lips. “Yes.”
His hand goes to my face again. His fingers run the length of my cheek. He then puts his other arm around my waist and pulls me closer into his side. My entire body has melted into a puddle.
“And you aren’t pretending to spare me my feelings?” he asks.
“Not at all,” I promise.
He brings his mouth right to my ear and whispers, “Tell me what I can do to help you fix this. I want to help you.”
“This,” I say as fast as I can. “Exactly this.”
“This I can do,” he says. And we sit there, exactly like that, for what feels like forever.
I don’t want to leave. I could stay here all night, wrapped up in his arms. Feeling safe and happy for the first time in forever, but I have to get back inside my house at some point. I can’t get caught out here and have my nightly ritual taken away from me. I need this time every night, this time to be myself.
I yawn and declare, “I should go before my parents discover I’m not in my bed.”
Bodhi laughs. “Do you ninja sneak your way out here every night or something?”
“I’m pretty stealthy,” I smirk, standing and pulling him up with me. My hand stays in his. “Dad passes out from his fifth nightcap, mom’s sleeping pill kicks in, and I head out through my balcony. But every once in a while, my parents make rounds to assure I’m safe in my room.”
“And if you’re not?” Bodhi questions.
“I don’t know. Hasn’t happened yet. I don’t want to find out.”
He smiles and slowly pulls my hand so that I crash into his chest. He’s testing our boundaries yet again. I know he’s worried about doing something that would push me away, and I hate knowing he’s fearing this, this beautiful chemistry we have together, this closeness that I crave. The one thing in my world right this second that allows me to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel I’ve been crawling through for years. I can hear his heart thumping through his shirt. I wish he knew how much I love being this close to him, and that my heart is matching the same rhythm as his.
I bring my hand up to his hair and twirl it around my finger. I’m pretty sure his heart skips a beat as I tug on his curls. My lips, I have to bite them to keep them still. I’ve never wanted someone to kiss me so badly, but also to not kiss me so badly. If that kiss ever happens, when it happens because it’s for sure going to happen at some point, there will be no turning back from what I’m feeling. From what I’ve longed for these last three years. No pretending it didn’t happen. No pretending I don’t want more.
I can’t let this happen. Not yet. Not with Porter still around, not with how anxious I am at the thought of him finding out. But the longer Bodhi and I stay like this, our bodies so close together, wrapped up in this beautiful embrace … the harder it becomes to not act on what we are both obviously feeling right now.
Bodhi’s warm breath is suddenly on my ear. “Why’d you leave a couple days ago?” he whispers into it. “On the beach. I know you, Eva. I know you wanted to stay. Why’d you disappear again?”
My hand comes down from his hair and I slowly start to back away from him. He squeezes his arms tighter, refusing to let me go.
“No,” he declares. “No, Eva. Whatever internal fight you’re having with yourself right now, I’m not letting it win again. I’ll fight it if I have to.”
I raise my head so I can see him. No one ever fights for me.
“No matter what has happened these last three years,” he says to my eyes, “you can’t ignore us. This, what this is between you and me, it’s always been us, Eva. We will never find this, with anyone else.”
I nod my head. “I know,” I say.
“I don’t want anyone else, Eva. I want this.”
My eyes grow big. My entire soul is shaking in my body with his blunt and confident words. “I want this too.”
He gives me a brief grin. “Then stop pulling away from me.”
I look down at our feet and mumble, “Don’t let me pull away.”
“I won’t,” he swiftly responds. “Not anymore, never again, okay?”
I bury my face in his chest and nod my head.
“Confession,” he whispers as his arms tighten around me again. “I have thought about you every single day for the last three years. Not one day went by where I didn’t wonder if you were okay … or if I would ever see you and get to hold you like this.” His mouth comes back to my ear. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to hold you like this?”
I take in a breath of the humid night air and look back up at him. “Confession,” I then say. “I really like the way it feels when we’re this close together … when your arms are around me, and I was hoping you were thinking about me every single day for the last three years.”
He lets out a little laugh and brings his hand up, brushing my hair away from my face. His fingers sto
p on my lips. His dark eyes lock onto mine and then my mouth. He wants to kiss me. I know he’s waiting for me to give him permission. I almost give in because it’s exactly what I want, what I need.
But I can’t.
“Bodhi,” I murmur. I grab both of his hands and stare as they fit so perfectly together with mine. “I can’t pretend with you. I’ve never needed to—I can’t stand here right now and lie to you and tell you I don’t want something to happen right now. Because I do. God, I do, but it can’t, not yet. Not tonight.” I look over towards Porter’s house and then back to Bodhi. “Please.”
He squeezes both of my hands in response and nods. “I’ve waited this long. I can wait a bit longer, but I don’t want to just disappear while—”
“Don’t disappear!” I interrupt him, throwing my hands up to his chest. “God, don’t disappear, Bodhi.” I almost start crying at the simple thought of not seeing him again. “Please don’t disappear.”
He puts his hand up to my cheek and shakes his head. “Eva, don’t get upset. I won’t, I won’t disappear. I just don’t know what you want me to do—fuck. I’m screwing this up—”
“You aren’t!” I exclaim. “I am. I just can’t jump into us yet, and I really want to. God, I want to, but I need to wait until I’m not so scared …”
Bodhi narrows his eyes. “You’re scared of us?”
“No,” I shake my head. “You and me, together … we’re the only thing in this world I’m not scared of,” I whisper to him, and then I look down at my feet. “I need to end things with Porter first.”
I feel his fingers on my chin as he guides my face back up to his. “I understand that.”
“You do?”
“Of course I do, Eva,” he nods, his fingers brushing my neck. “But don’t expect me to ignore you while you figure that out,” he says, his mouth moving closer to mine. “Because now that I’ve seen you again, and I see how your body reacts every time I touch you …” His fingers trace along my collarbone and down my shoulders. “And how my body reacts when I touch you …” He leans in and brings his lips to my ear once again. “I cannot stay away from you, ever again.”
My heart is going wild in my chest. It takes everything out of me not to kiss him. My mouth hovers right over his. One small move and our lips will crash together. God, I want his lips on mine. I pull back a little, biting my bottom lip at the same time.
“Good,” I mumble. “I don’t want you to stay away from me ever again. I don’t want to stay away from you ever again.”
Bodhi’s lips graze my cheek as he says, “I’m glad we’re on the same page.” He then brings my hands up to his mouth. He kisses them and asks, “This is where we should say goodnight?”
I nod, even though I don’t want to. He releases my hands and backs up until there’s an enormous space between the two of us. I hate it. I hate this space. I almost run back over to him.
“Will I see you tomorrow?” I ask, biting my lower lip again as I wait for his answer.
His eyes go right to my mouth. “Definitely. Now that I know where to find you every night.”
Relief. I feel instant relief. “Goodnight, Bodhi,” I breathe into the air.
“Goodnight, Eva,” he says back, and I watch as he disappears through the trees.
I turn and run along my dock. I need to run. My entire body might just burst. I don’t even remember climbing up the stone and hoisting myself up to my balcony. When you’ve snuck in and out of your bedroom for years now, you find a system that works. One you don’t need to think about when your mind is in shambles. I slip in through the balcony doors and close them behind me. I stand there, with my back to the Halifax, trying to catch my breath as I relive every second I just spent with Bodhi. I haven’t had a night like this, ever. A night I want to continue thinking about.
Suddenly, there’s a knock at my bedroom door. I jump and make a mad dash for my bed just as my door opens and my mom appears on the other side. She sees me in my bed, dressed and out of breath, steps further in and closes the door behind her.
“Where were you?”
Busted. Busted for the first time ever. “Nowhere,” I say too fast.
“Don’t lie to me, Eva,” she folds her arms across her chest.
“I was on the dock,” I tell her, looking down at my hands.
“The dock? With who?” she presses. “Porter?”
“No!” I exclaim. “Not Porter.”
“Then who?”
“No one,” I respond.
She glares at me. She’s not going to back down this time.
“Bodhi,” I whisper, holding my breath.
A funny noise escapes her mouth, but I can’t look at her. I’m silently begging her to not ruin this night. Please, please give me one night with memories I don’t want to erase. Just give me something I can think about and be happy about. Just this once.
Her voice softens as she asks, “Is he doing okay? Bodhi. Is he alright?”
I look up at her. I’m not sure how to respond. I’m scared she’s tricking me. Bodhi’s name is never mentioned in our house, let alone someone showing genuine concern for him. Why is she asking me this? She moves a few steps closer to my bed. I scoot a few inches back. I’m afraid, not of her, but of her words, the words she might say next. Her face looks pained by my action.
“He’s okay,” I respond to her. “He’s alright.”
“Good,” she says. “Good. I had a feeling you’d be seeing him again.”
“And you’re okay with that?” I ask.
“I am more than okay with that,” she replies.
I can barely hear my words as I whisper, “Are you going to tell Dad?”
I wait for it, the bargain I must make in order for her to keep my secret. I wait for her to tell me what I must do now so that she won’t tell my dad who I was with tonight. That’s how this family works, right? On bargains and ultimatums?
She shakes her head. “Eva. Do you think I tell your dad every little thing that happens in this house? It’s time for you to realize not everyone is against you. Some of us are on your side and always have been.” She then opens the door and walks out, leaving me sitting there, wondering once again, what the hell just happened.
chapter seven
Bodhi
E nough about your grandpa, Bodhi,” Coop throws a beach towel at my face. “You just spent two hours with Eva Calloway? Alone? Eva Calloway? The girl you’ve been pining after and whispering sweet nothings about in your sleep for the last three years? That Eva Calloway?”
“I have to agree with Coop on this one,” Beck nods towards Coop. “Long lost grandpa or not, Eva Calloway?”
I’m at Coop’s. He and Beck are back from the party, which was a huge bust when the cops showed up a couple hours in, forcing everyone to dump their beers. They’re sitting around the fire pit when I get there, both a little buzzed and continuing their night by drinking beer from a stash they smuggled out of Coop’s refrigerator. They throw me one when I sit down and I tell them all about my dinner with Calvin Sullivan, but Eva is the topic they want to hear more about.
“Yes,” is all I say. I take a big drink. This beer is going down way too easy. I need to stop. I can’t do this shit anymore.
“Yes? Yes?” Coop throws his hands up. “That’s all he’s giving us!” he turns to Beck. “A goddamn yes! Three years, Bodhi! Three years of watching you self-destruct over this girl!”
“Maybe we need to be more specific?” Beck says to Coop. “Bodhi,” he turns to me. “What did you and Eva Calloway do the last two hours while you were alone?”
“You guys are idiots,” I throw the beach towel in their direction. “We were just talking.”
“Talking?” Coop repeats. “Is that what you call it now?” He throws himself down in the dirt. “You can’t tell me you didn’t kiss that beautiful face. You didn’t when you had the chance after the memorial. Why the hell would you not kiss that beautiful face tonight when you were alone? I know you know ho
w to kiss girls. We’ve seen you kiss girls. You freak out or something? She literally make you forget how to kiss?”
I’m getting pissed off. “We were just talking,” I say again. “I didn’t kiss her. I wanted to kiss her, trust me. It was next to impossible to not kiss her. I thought I was dying because I didn’t kiss her. I still feel like I’m dying because I didn’t kiss her.”
“Not sure if I believe you,” Coop declares. “Beck? You believe him?”
“Nah. But if he wants to lie to us.”
“I’m not lying, you asshats.” I take another sip of my beer. “Hey, do we know anything about the Calloways?” I ask them, changing the subject. “What’s the deal with Eva’s parents?”
“Just that Mr. Calloway is scary as hell,” Coop states. “Which you already know. Dare I remind you of the drama in the hospital when he saw you in bed with his daughter?”
“She had just broken her leg,” I remind him. “You make it sound like he walked in on us having sex or something.”
Coop waves his hands at me. “Why are you asking?”
“Eva, she’s different. She’s changed since she used to hang out with us.”
“She missed you, bro,” is Coop’s reply. “Her heart was crushed with your absence.”
“Ugh. Stop talking,” Beck says to Coop. “Changed how?” he asks me.
I throw some sticks in the fire. “I don’t know. Sad? Depressed? Not like she was before. Broken almost?”
“You mean like you’ve been these last three years?” Coop throws out there.
I glare at him. “You guys saw her. Did she look the same to you?”
Coop laughs. “Well, her boobs—”
I give him the finger.
“Isn’t she still dating that dickhead, Porter Channing?” he continues.
“Dude!” Beck whacks him with a stick.
“Ow!” he cries, massaging his arm. “It’s true! Porter’s a dick. I’d be depressed over that.”
“Dude’s got a point,” Beck agrees. “She still dating him?”
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