I close my eyes and let the tension in my body go. I become controlled and submissive under his massive weight. I can hear him laugh. He thinks I’ve given in. Again. Like I have before, but then I open my eyes and stare directly into his, because I haven’t given in. Far from it.
I’m fucking done.
“If you do this,” I say to him. “If you do what you came over here to do, knowing that I’ve said no, that I don’t want to right now, there’s no turning back from it, Porter. You’ll never be able to take back what you did. Ever. I am not giving in this time. I’m done with this. And if you follow through with what you thought was going to happen right now, it’s no longer going to be me giving in, it will be rape. That’s what makes this time different from the others.”
His grip loosens. The anger in his eyes disappears. He looks ashamed of himself. I might be getting through to him for once.
“Eva … I didn’t mean—I wasn’t going to—”
“Get the fuck off of me, Porter.”
Suddenly, there’s a loud knock at my door. Porter releases my wrists and is sitting on the edge of my bed before the door even opens. I look over to see my mom standing there, and at first, she looks normal, beautiful actually, the perfect trophy wife. Slowly though, as she glances between me and Porter, she can tell something is wrong.
“Porter,” she says, her eyes searching mine for some sort of answer to what she walked in on. “Could you run outside and try to get the grill started for me?” she asks him. “Your dad and Brayden are on their way back from fishing and they want the grill ready to go. I can’t get the damn thing on.”
“Sure thing, Mrs. Calloway,” he says. He bends over and plants a kiss on my forehead, pinching my shoulder in the process as if telling me what happened just now is far from over, and then he walks out.
My mom stands there for a minute, her back up against the frame of my door, watching as Porter leaves down the hall. Once he’s gone, she turns to me. “Eva, did he hurt you?”
“No,” I tell her, hiding my aching wrists under my pillow as I bring them to my chest. “I’m fine.”
“Eva?” her voice cracks. “Please. Tell me what happened.”
I can’t tell her though, because telling her would make things so much more complicated. Or worse, it would get her involved in this tangled web of lies and secrets I share with Porter and my dad. I can’t get anyone else involved. I won’t.
“I’m fine,” I say again, though I have to look away because I’m on the verge of tears now and I can sense I’m about to breakdown. I can’t breakdown in front of my mom.
“No, you’re not,” she sadly says, but she closes the door and leaves.
I stare at the closed door as my chin starts to quiver, wondering why she didn’t stay. Couldn’t she see I needed her? Why couldn’t I ask her to stay with me? Why is that so hard for me to do? Why can’t I ever ask for help?
I start throwing things. My pillows, my clothes, my books, anything I can grab is thrown at my walls, and then the tears pour down my face. The panic attack that follows is by far the worst one I’ve ever had. I lock my door and fall onto the floor, surrounded by the piles of objects that I’ve been hurling in the air, where I stay as the world crumbles down around me.
I allow myself thirty minutes, thirty minutes to crawl out of the depths of hell that I’ve fallen into yet again. When that thirty minutes is over, I get up off the floor and take a few deep breaths. I reapply my mascara, put some lip gloss on, brush through the tangled knots in my hair, and start to make my way downstairs for dinner. I don’t have the option of staying in my room tonight. My dad will come up and demand I come downstairs, or worse, he’ll send Porter to come get me. Porter cannot come back up here. I don’t know if I have the strength to pull myself out of another panic attack caused by Porter.
I place my hand on the balcony of the stairs and freeze. I backtrack to my room. Before I sit with my family and the Channings, before I pretend everything is perfect, before I torture myself mentally and emotionally … I have to change out of the shirt I’m in and put a long sleeve one on in its place.
I have to hide the bruises that have already formed on both my wrists.
DINNER IS UNEVENTFUL depending on which way you look at it. My mind is in another place, I need it to be. I need to be present, but not present. I need to allow my face to be seen as everyone around me continues to live their life as if everything is perfect, while deep inside my life is falling apart.
I refuse to talk to Porter. I refuse to answer his questions. I refuse to sit next to him. I refuse to allow him to touch me. I hope Porter realizes there’s no coming back from this, that tonight is the night we’re officially over with.
After he walks his dad to their boat when dinner is over, he reappears and tries to get me to go for a drive with him. He pleads and begs right in front of my parents, and right in front of my parents I answer him with a, “Hell no.”
My dad, shocked and red in the face, walks Porter to his Land Rover. I imagine he reassured him the entire time that he’d talk to me and everything would be fine in the morning. A few minutes later he returns with quite the attitude, which I expected. I was ready for it.
“You want to tell me what the hell that was about, Eva?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I say, pushing my chair out from the table. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed.”
He makes a grab for me as I walk by. I freeze and glare at his fingers as they wrap their way around my arm. I am so sick of people grabbing me like they own me.
“Let my fucking arm go.”
He immediately lets go. He knows he’s overstepped.
“Eva!” my mom exclaims. “Your mouth! Brayden, let her go to bed. In fact, Miles, Rowan!” she calls to my brothers who are making a mess with ice cream further down the patio. “Everyone to bed. You too,” she says to me, not moving until I follow.
My feet start to move.
“We’re not done with this,” my dad barks at me.
I pause and glare right at him. “You might not be done with this, but I sure as hell am.”
An hour later, my house is quiet. I have sat on the edge of my bed, waiting. Waiting to hear my mom tuck my brothers in and say goodnight from a couple doors down. Waiting to hear the hall lights click off. Waiting to see if anyone would come check on me. Waiting to hear my parents’ bedroom door close, and as soon as that door is shut, I make my escape out my balcony.
I can’t get to my dock fast enough. My feet run through my yard without me even realizing I’m moving them. Moments later, when I see Bodhi sitting there waiting for me, everything feels alright. Just seeing him overwhelms me with such a massive sense of comfort, I almost can’t take the unexpected change of emotions. Everything starts collapsing. I can barely move my body at this point and the dock starts swaying in my vision, even though I know it’s perfectly still.
When Bodhi hears me behind him, he stands to greet me, a huge smile on his face, but the moment he sees mine, his smile drops and he rushes over. I wrap my arms around him. I hate to admit I need his steady support to keep my body upright at this point. My breathing grows heavy with another panic attack, and then I breakdown again. I can’t even get a word out before I’m sobbing in his arms.
“Hey,” he whispers, his fingers are running through my hair. “Eva, what’s wrong? What happened? Babe?”
He’s never called me this before. Hearing how amazing that one simple word is as it comes from his mouth, causes me to gasp through my sobs.
“Just talk to me,” he begs. “Eva, goddamnit, look at me.”
I lift my head a little, my blurry eyes trying to focus on his. “I can’t do this anymore!” I shout into the night.
“Do what, Eva?”
I feel like I can’t breathe, like all the air around me has disappeared. I fall onto the dock, throwing my head onto my knees and covering my ears. “Live! Like this!” I gasp into my lap. I’m not sure if he c
an even hear me. “I can’t live like this anymore!”
I sense his body close to mine as I hear him sit himself down. His legs settle on either side of me, and then his hands pry mine away from my ears. I don’t look up, but I allow him to pull my body into his. I allow his arms to wrap around me, and I allow myself to be comforted by the one person who has always been able to comfort me. I bury myself in his warm chest and cry until my eyes are empty.
A few minutes go by and he tries to talk again. “Can you tell me—”
“Shh!” I say to him, grabbing his neck in protest. “Just shh!”
He understands. He nods his head and sits there with his hands rubbing my back, holding me, letting me have this moment without expecting me to explain anything yet. A few minutes pass, and then a few more. My breathing has calmed down, I’m not struggling for air. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve before lifting my head to look at him.
“Bodhi! Your face!” I exclaim. There’s a deep cut above his eyebrow that I didn’t notice a little bit ago.
“Surfboard,” is all he says as I lift my hand to rub my fingers over his wound.
He sees them before I realize what has happened. I can tell by the sudden look of confusion on his face that he saw my wrist. My sleeve must have moved up my arm when I reached up to touch his cut. He doesn’t say anything at first as he takes my hand into his and pushes my sleeve up. He takes my other hand and does the same. I have to turn away, I don’t want to see the worry in his eyes because of something I let happen to my body.
He finally speaks. “Who did this to you?” he at first says, holding onto my hands. His fingers are rubbing back and forth.
I still can’t look at him. I gaze down at my lap and close my eyes.
“Eva!” he shouts. I jump. “Who the hell did this to you?”
I glance at my wrists and then to Bodhi. The worry in his eyes torments me. I then look over towards Porter’s house, all the lights are on and my heart races in my chest.
“Porter,” I whisper.
“Son of a bitch,” he says under his breath. “I’m going to fucking kill him.” He jumps up and starts heading down the dock to the Halifax.
“Bodhi, no!” I shout, stumbling to stand as I race after him. “Don’t! Please! What are you going to do? Swim over there?”
“I’m gonna fucking do something, Eva!” he shouts at me. “He left bruises on your wrists! No one is ever allowed to touch you like that! Ever! I’m going to kill him!”
He keeps walking down the dock. “Bodhi, it’s not worth it! Please!”
He stops and stands there, his back to me. “Not worth it?” he whispers to himself. He turns back around, shaking his head. “You are worth it, Eva! Goddamnit! You are worth it! What has happened to you these last three years? Have they brainwashed you or something?” He takes a deep breath. I can see his fingers digging into the palms of his hands. “Did he do anything else? Is there more?”
I shake my head no.
His face looks even more alarmed. He clears the space between us and grabs my shoulders. “Did he … did he force—”
I shake my head no harder.
Bodhi lets out a sigh of relief. He brings my wrists up to his face and kisses them, over and over and over again. “This is not okay! Do you understand that? This is not okay! You need to tell me what’s going on! It’s me, Eva!” he shouts. “Remember us? Do you remember us together? All the shit we told each other years ago? All those goddamn perfect days we spent together? It’s just me!”
I nod my head and start to cry. He reaches up and wipes my tears.
“Eva, babe,” he calls me again. “Don’t cry, please don’t cry. You don’t need to cry anymore. I promise this is it, I’m done waiting, okay? What the fuck are we waiting for anyway? Haven’t we waited long enough? Three years, Eva. I’m not wasting another day without you in it. I can’t waste another day without you in it, we belong together and you know it. It’s you and me from now on. Just you and me, okay? Screw everyone else—”
I throw myself into his chest, wrapping my arms around his back. All I’ve ever wanted was for it to be just me and Bodhi. I have been waiting for this day since I watched him walk out of my hospital room three years ago.
He stands there for a minute, squeezing his arms around my tired body. “There’s this gap in time that you’re not telling me about,” he says, his fingers running up and down my back. “These last three years. I don’t care if it’s about Porter Channing. You need to tell me what’s going on. What’s been going on.” He pulls apart from our embrace and puts his hands on my shoulders, staring right at my eyes. “Why are you scared to talk to me, Eva?”
I shake my head. “I’m not scared to talk to you, Bodhi. I’m scared to hear myself say everything out loud.”
He moves my hair away from my face and tucks it behind my ear. “No matter what you say, I’m not going anywhere. You’re never going to lose me again. You don’t have to be scared. I want to know, Eva. I need to know.”
He’s right. Someone needs to hear what happened, someone needs to know why I’m being forced to date Porter. Someone needs to hear about how trapped I am in a relationship with someone I don’t want to be with. Someone needs to hear what Porter did tonight, and if there’s anyone I trust more in this world to hear it all, it’s Bodhi.
But there are things I can’t tell him, yet. Like how every single day since the accident I’ve been falling deeper and deeper into this black world of depression, and there’s been times I’ve just wanted to disappear entirely. How do you tell someone they are part of the reason you’ve died a little each day?
I can’t, not yet, but I can tell him about Porter, and I can tell him about my dad. “Okay,” I nod my head and take his hand, guiding him over to a corner on our dock. We both sit, my hand stays in his. I take a deep breath and close my eyes as he waits for me to speak.
His fingers run through my hair. “I won’t leave,” he says. “No matter what …”
I give his hand a squeeze and look up at him. “I’m going to tell you something first,” I make known. “And I don’t want you to say anything back after I say it. Not yet, not tonight. I want to explain this to you, because I want you to know, but then I don’t want to talk about it anymore right now, okay?”
Bodhi slowly nods his head.
I keep going before I chicken out. “After the accident, the reason I never came back over to your house, was because of my dad. He threatened you and your mom. He threatened to have you taken from her, because of what happened,” I tell him. “If I went back to you guys, if I saw you again, he would have followed through with his threat. He always gets his way. He would have made sure of that. I couldn’t let that happen to you, Bodhi. I would have done anything to come back to you … but I couldn’t let him hurt you.”
I wait a second before looking over at him again, and when I do, my heart breaks. I’ve never seen Bodhi look so distraught, so upset, so devastated. He brings his hand up to my face and strokes his fingers on my cheekbone.
“I’m not going to say anything,” he whispers. “Because you asked me not to. But there’s a lot I want to say.”
I nod my head. “I know there is, just not now.”
I continue by telling him everything about my dad and Mr. Channing. What Porter did when I first tried to break up with him. What my dad said to me. How I’m trapped. How scared I am of what will happen when I disobey my dad, and of course, what Porter did tonight. It’s the first time I have ever spoken any of this out loud, and my body feels lighter. Like I can breathe a little better.
When there’s nothing left for me to say, Bodhi is silent. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, and it’s making me nervous. He’s looking down at the water, staring at the small ripples as they hit the post of the dock.
“You want to run now, right?” I joke, nudging him a little with my shoulder. “Make a bolt for the beach and never return? Run away from this madness that I call life?”
He throws hims
elf back on the dock, leaving me sitting there with a hundred thoughts running through my mind, but then his hands are on me as he pulls me down with him. My head lands right on his chest. I find instant comfort in listening to the steady beat of his heart.
“The exact opposite, Eva,” he answers. “I want to run away with you and never look back. You and me. We can do that, you know … my mom, she left me a lot of money. We wouldn’t have to worry about anything. We could just be together. Away from all this shit.”
“Bodhi …” I sigh. “We can’t run away. I can’t run away.”
“I don’t want to leave you,” he tells me. “I can’t leave you knowing all of this.”
I don’t want him to leave me either, but I don’t tell him that. What I say instead is, “I’ll be alright.”
“Shit, Eva,” he mutters, almost laughing. “You can’t possibly expect me to believe that. Porter almost—”
“Shh!” I bring my fingers up to his lips.
“If your mom hadn’t of—”
“Shh!” I say more forcefully, covering his mouth now with my hand.
He removes it but doesn’t let go. “Your dad, Eva. He is controlling you—”
“Bodhi, stop. Please,” I beg him.
He gives my hand a squeeze. “This will not happen again. Porter, he’s never going to touch you again. I will not let it happen. And your dad, I can’t …” he stops himself, but takes a deep breath before continuing. “You’re not doing this by yourself anymore. I’m not letting you. We need to disappear tomorrow while we get this figured out. Okay?”
I love that he said we. I move onto my side and prop my head up on my hand so I can face him. I wince at the sudden pain in my wrist as I ask, “You want to disappear with me?”
“I definitely want to disappear with you,” he repeats. “Spend the day with me tomorrow, Eva. Like the old days. The guys and I are going fishing in the morning. Come with us. Then you and I will go somewhere, the two of us, and I’ll bring you home when I head to Calvin’s. I don’t want you here tomorrow knowing Porter can show up whenever the hell he wants. And that your dad—I want you with me.”
Confession Page 10