“Is this what you want?” I ask her. “Is this the life you want to live?”
She looks over at me and smiles. “I have you, and your brothers. As long as I have you three, I’ll always be fine no matter what happens between your dad and I.”
I can sense her sadness though. “Please don’t stay with Dad because you think it’s what we want. Don’t be unhappy, Mom.”
She looks down at me and nods her head. “I love your dad, honey, but we live two totally different lives.”
“Will you let him come back?”
She thinks about my question. “Do you want him back home, in the house?”
“I don’t know,” I answer. “I think I will, eventually. Maybe not right away, maybe I don’t trust him?”
She pushes her hair out of her face. “As a family, we have a lot of healing that needs to be done first. It’s going to take some time, and I think your dad knows this.”
“Yeah,” I agree.
“So,” she sighs. “Enough with Dad for now. Bodhi, I want to hear all about Bodhi. How is Bodhi?”
I can feel myself blush and smile at the same time. “Bodhi is good, really good. Bodhi is amazing.”
She laughs. “Your whole personality is different around him. I’m not going to lie here—I knew the exact moment he was back in your life. I could tell by how you acted. Your light was back, that light that left after the accident. It’s like he took that light with him. God, Eva. If only you knew how happy I was when I saw you heading to Lenora’s memorial, knowing he’d be there, that the two of you would see each other again. It’s so obvious how much you love him.”
“I do,” I tell her. “I think I always have? But it took me losing him, to realize it.”
She gives me a little grin. “Watching you two together, it’s like seeing the old you. The one you were three years ago. I love it, Eva.”
I smile in return. “I feel safe around him. He makes me feel safe, and happy, so happy. It’s so different, than it was with …”
I don’t want to say his name anymore. She respects that and doesn’t push it. “Are you and Bodhi …?” she lets the question linger a bit. “Have you two …?”
God. What is with the sex talks today?
I start blushing again. “No. No, we haven’t, but you and I already had that talk, Mom,” I remind her. “That horrible, awkward talk a few years ago. You don’t need to explain it for a second time. I’m well aware of how it all works.”
She lets out a loud laugh. “I figured you knew, but if you ever have any questions—”
“I got it, Mom.”
Strangely, it feels good to be with my mom and to have an actual conversation with her about life and boys. It’s almost normal, like there wasn’t this huge gap in my life where I went years without sharing anything with her. A few hours ago, I never wanted to speak to her again, and now I’m sitting here talking to her about sex. I definitely prefer this over hating her forever.
“Birth control?” she throws out there. “Still good there?”
“Mom,” I groan. “Come on.”
“Your brothers are the result of not taking my birth control correctly. I love them, and they were meant to be here, but they were by far the biggest surprises of my entire life. So, if you aren’t on birth control—”
“One, I’m aware they were accidents,” I laugh as I interrupt her. “And two, you were the one who dragged me to that very uncomfortable appointment last year when I got my IUD. So, yes. Yes, it’s still good, and I will make sure it stays good. You can trust me on that.”
“He loves you,” she says to me, changing the subject. “Bodhi. He loves you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, when you aren’t paying attention. I can’t even explain to you how happy that makes me as your mom. To know you have someone who loves you like that, this early in life. I’m sorry you went all those years thinking I didn’t want you around him.”
“We’re together now, and I sure as hell won’t let anyone tear us apart again.”
“No, you won’t.” She lets out a long yawn. “I think it’s time for bed,” she declares. “I’ve got the alarm company coming over first thing tomorrow morning, and maybe things can get back to a little normalcy for us then.”
I doubt that. I don’t think anything will ever be normal again with my family. Things haven’t been normal for years, but I don’t say that to her. I don’t want to ruin the first perfect conversation my mom and I have had together since I was twelve.
“My room,” I point to the first door on the left. “That was my room when we lived here?”
She nods. “Rose decorated it when we first moved in. I’m pretty sure it’s still the same. I gathered a few things from home for you, pajamas, toothbrush, they’re in a bag on the floor.”
“Thanks,” I say.
“As your mother, I have to request you sleep in there tonight.”
I raise my eyebrow at her and purse my lips. I might even fold my arms across my chest as she stands.
“But,” she smiles, “as the mother of someone who I trust, and I trust Bodhi with you by the way … I’m also going to tell you that I will not be waking up in the middle of the night to make sure you’re in your bed.”
I laugh and stand to join her, giving her a hug. “Goodnight, Mom.”
“Goodnight, Eva.”
I wait until she’s in her room with my brothers before I leave my spot. I know exactly where I’m going to sleep tonight, but I’m drawn to the room that used to be mine. I open the heavy door and peek inside. It’s dark, with just the moonlight from outside shining in through the window. I blindly search for a light switch on the wall and find it almost immediately.
The room is beautiful and looks like it’s been untouched for years. The walls are a light blue, with black and white photos of the beach framed and hung all over. There’s one massive window that overlooks the Halifax, with silk cream-colored curtains that hang on either side. There’s a white wooden canopy bed with fluffy gray bedding and a dolphin stuffed animal resting on the pillows. I walk over and pick it up.
I remember this dolphin.
I remember this room.
Why is it you forget so much from when you were little? It’s a shame to have no memories or events to think about from the time before you were seven or eight. Where do those memories go? They disappear from your mind and you have to rely on the adults in your life to remind you of them. If they’ll remind you of them.
I walk over to the dresser to take a closer look at the pictures that are framed and sitting on it. There are none of Luke, and none of Bodhi, but there’s three of me. One in the arms of Rose and Calvin when I was a toddler, one with my mom, and one by myself when I was five. It makes me sad to think of how close I was with Calvin and Rose, and how that relationship was swept away when Henry Channing entered our lives.
I need to get out of this room.
I see my bag from home in the corner on the floor. I open it to find the pajamas my mom had packed and strip out of my clothes to put them on. She chose very simple silk shorts with an old t-shirt. Nothing revealing, nothing like what I would sleep in by myself at home. She knew where I’d end up sleeping tonight. I pick up by bag and fling it over my shoulder, turn off the light and close the door behind me. It’s a weird feeling, being back in a room I’m sure I spent so much time in before, but feeling as though I was a ghost as I stood in it.
chapter nineteen
Eva
I walk back downstairs and straight to the room I slept in last night with Bodhi. The door is cracked and there’s a soft light glowing from the inside. I push it open and see Bodhi staring out the opened window, into the night, wearing just a pair of gym shorts. He doesn’t notice me at all. Quietly, I drop my bag on the bed and sneak over to him, wrapping my arms around his bare stomach. He gives a little jump and spins around to face me, placing a kiss right on my lips.
“It’s so quiet here, on the Halifax. I’m used to the constant noise of the
ocean and the sound of cars on A1A,” he tells me.
“The bullfrogs and crickets aren’t good enough for you?” I jokingly ask.
“Definitely not the same,” he smiles, his arms pull me in closer. “How’d it go with your mom?”
“All is well.”
“For real?”
I nod my head. “We have a lot of stuff we need to forgive each other for. I think we both did stupid things these last few years … but I’m trying. I’ll keep trying.”
His arms tighten around my waist. “That’s really good to hear, and is she alright with you being down here in these adorable pajamas instead of upstairs in your old room?” he smirks, pulling at the end of my shirt.
I laugh as my cheeks turn red. “All is well there too.”
His eyes narrow in on my face “For real? I don’t want to upset your mom, Eva. I’m not that type of guy—”
“She trusts me,” I shrug. “She trusts you. She trusts us.”
He smiles. “Really good to know.”
It’s late, and I’m tired, and I just want to get in bed and close my eyes and let sleep wash away the events of today. I give Bodhi a little push and reach up to close the window. I then take his hand and pull him over to the bed, climbing in as he closes the door and turns out the light on the nightstand before joining me. I pull the covers up to my chin and stretch my legs out, before rolling over and locking my eyes on his. Even in the dark, I can see every little detail on his face. The few freckles he has on his cheeks, the dimple on his chin, the angry cut that covers the length of his eyebrow, the colorful bruise that wraps like a circle over his eye.
His hand comes up to my hair. He moves it away from my eyes, tucking it behind my ear, before leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on my lips.
“Bodhi?” I whisper, his lips still hovering over mine.
“Eva?”
“Does it bother you I used to live here? With your grandparents? With the grandma you never got to meet?” I had to ask him. It’s been worrying me all night.
His finger runs under my lower lip as he says, “It doesn’t bother me at all. It makes me happy they got to experience being grandparents a little, with you. What bothers me, is that they thought they lost you. I know how that feels. It’s not a good feeling.”
My eyes swell up with tears, and I have to roll away from him.
“Hey,” Bodhi says, trying to roll me back over.
I won’t budge. I don’t want him to see me crying again. This is becoming a daily event with us.
“Eva?” he says, tapping me on my back. “Goddamnit, we aren’t going to do this, okay? We aren’t going to be that type of couple that can’t tell each other the truth or what we’re thinking.”
I sniff a little and wipe my eyes.
He doesn’t try to roll me back over, but he does put his mouth right by my ear. “Confession,” he says. “Listen, Eva. Being without you for three years was miserable. There’s no way around that. I was lost without you, I did stupid things, got in trouble. I know how it feels to have you all to myself, and then to not have you at all. I know what Calvin and Rose went through. There’s this grieving process … thinking I might never see you again. But like Calvin, I know what it’s like to get you back, to have you again. It’s like Christmas morning, every day now.”
I’m full-on ugly crying. I’m afraid my tears will soak through my pillow at any second. How does he do this? How do his words fall right into my heart and stay there? He attempts to roll me back over again. I let him this time, and our faces are once again side by side. He wipes my tears with his thumb and kisses my lips. I give myself a minute to gather my thoughts before responding. He’s waiting, but I have to choose my words wisely because what I’m about to say is horrifying.
“Confession,” I finally whisper, wiping my eyes with my hand. “Those three years were so awful for me. I lost myself. I shut down, hated everyone, including myself, and—and I sometimes wondered what it would be like to not be here anymore.”
His face looks alarmed. “Eva,” he whispers.
I push my words out faster. “I would have never of done anything, at least I don’t think I would have. I always hoped I’d find my way back. Find the old Eva somehow, the one I was before. But sometimes it seemed easier to be gone, instead of how I was feeling each day, right then. But now that you’re here—right here … I feel so alive again, and I feel so safe when you’re around. I almost question if this all might be a dream. If maybe I did do something, and if this is heaven, or if one day I’m going to wake up and be so lost again.”
Bodhi’s staring at me. He looks so concerned … I almost feel bad for making him worry about me. But just as I’m thinking I might have said a bit too much, he wipes my tears away again and brings his forehead to mine.
“Eva Calloway,” he whispers, his breath brushing my lips. “If this is all a dream, I’ll stay asleep with you forever so neither one of us has to be without each other again.”
The tears flow from my eyes once more.
He continues. “But this is not a dream. This is real, trust me. And the way you felt before, you won’t ever have to feel that way again. I’m not going anywhere, ever. You understand? I know what it’s like to not have you in my life. You are my life, Eva. You and me, we’re endgame, we always have been. I’ll never let what happened before happen again. Never. Even if you grow sick of me and try to drown me in the Halifax, I’ll keep coming back to you.”
I laugh through my tears and bring my salty lips to his. “Promise?”
He rolls us over so I’m underneath him. He rests his hands under my head and looks down at my face. “I promise. You and me, endgame.”
I believe every word he’s just said.
Bodhi scrunches up his mouth. “Why did we let three years go by? We could have found a way around this all. We should have tried. Why did we let all of this happen?” He looks so upset, so angry with himself. He looks how I’ve felt for so long.
I don’t know the right answer, but I know the best one. “So being together now, would be that much more amazing.”
His lips are on mine within a second, his tongue immediately finding my own. He’s so gentle at first. His hands stay behind my head and his kisses are soft and slow as if he’s savoring every single second, but then it’s as if a switch gets flipped inside of him and he needs more than just this. His hands come out from under my head and he grabs my own, squeezing his fingers with mine as he brings them next to my face. His kisses go to my neck as I push my hands into his. He lingers over me for a while, kissing every bare spot that my shirt doesn’t touch, making my entire body crave for more.
He suddenly stops and looks directly into my eyes. “Do you have any idea what runs through my blood every time my lips are on you?” he mumbles. “It’s like fire, Eva. Fire in my veins. I’ve wanted to kiss you like this, forever.”
He brings his lips back to mine and releases my hands. I dig my fingernails into his neck as he moves his own hands under my shirt. He pushes it up a little, just enough that it still covers my chest, but leaves my stomach completely exposed. His eyes stay on mine as his head comes down, lining my stomach with kisses before bringing his lips to right above my pajama shorts. His fingers run under the top of them and I feel goosebumps everywhere as my heart rate increases.
I shake my head. “Bodhi, we can’t do this, right now, here.”
He smirks a little. “We’re not going to do that, right now, here. But there are other things we can do.”
His eyes are searching mine for a response. He’s waiting for me to tell him to stop, waiting to read my reaction. It amazes me how different I feel with Bodhi, how much I want to explore this other side of me I didn’t know existed. The fire that runs through his veins runs through mine as well. When his hands are on my body, his mouth kissing me all over, it’s just what I need to tame this fire that’s burning inside of me. I’m not going to tell him to stop, because my entire soul is actually dying to see what he
’s planning on doing next.
His hands lower my pajamas and my panties underneath, not low enough that they’re off, but low enough that as he bends his head down and I feel his mouth on the very edge of my lower stomach, a place no one has ever kissed me before, I hear myself moan with his actions. He instantly covers my mouth with his hand but doesn’t stop. With each kiss, he dangerously moves further down, pushing my shorts and panties as he goes, until they’re completely off my hips.
I’m breathing heavy now, I’ve never been so uncovered before. Even with Porter, I doubt he ever paid attention to what he was doing when it came to me being naked from the waist down, and if he’d ever made the effort, I would have covered myself up immediately. But with Bodhi, I don’t even flinch. He pulls my shorts and panties down to my knees and as my breathing increases in dramatic bursts from my nose, all I want is for his lips to be back on my body.
“You okay?” he asks softly. “Has anyone ever—”
I shake my head. “No. And I’ve only ever been with—”
Bodhi’s fingers cover my mouth. “Don’t say his name. He never did this? He never touched you …?”
“Never,” I reply. “Not ever.”
“Babe,” he mutters. “How could he not want to? You’re so goddamn beautiful,” he shakes his head. “I want to. Is that okay?”
Before I can respond, his fingers wander down my inner thighs. He’d still staring at me, waiting for my answer before he’ll move any further, and I want him to move further, so I nod my head.
Instantly, I’m reaching the point of no return. It’s an extraordinary feeling, one I want to have with him over and over again, but not here. Not with my mom right above us, not with Calvin across the house. And as his head lowers again, his lips replacing his fingers, I’m suddenly aware that this cannot happen right now.
I grab at him, my fingernails attack his bare back as I whisper loudly, “Bodhi! Bodhi, you have to stop before I can’t stop myself!”
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