“Another storm is here,” Bodhi tells me. “I checked the radar, looks pretty rough. I texted the guys too. Coop said they might crash at Dolly’s if this doesn’t stop.”
I nod, looking up at Bodhi as I say, “That will make for an interesting story one day. Spending the night with you three in a restaurant, curled up in a booth.”
Bodhi looks amused at the thought. “We can stay here for a bit. Until it settles a little? We’ve got at least thirty minutes before your clothes are dry.” He points above him. “You want to head up there and find those pictures?”
I nod in agreement.
Bodhi rubs his fingers on my hand. “I have to tell you something. I haven’t been in my mom’s studio since probably a month or two before she died. I’m not sure what it looks like, or what she left up there. I haven’t been able to go in there. It’s definitely been a while …”
I look up at him. He’s staring at me nervously, watching for my reply. I can see how distraught he is at the mere thought of going in there. I wish I never would have brought it up. I lean in and give him a kiss and I bring my hand up to the back of his head, running my fingers through his still damp hair.
“I can go up by myself. Or we can do this another day?”
He shakes his head. “No, I can’t avoid that room forever.”
“Then we go in together?”
He nods his head and leads me to the spiral staircase. I’ve been in Lenora’s studio hundreds of times in the past. It’s where we’d edit all of our work, it’s where Bodhi and I would lie on the bed and watch as Lenora created slideshows on a backdrop with all of our pictures from the day. But obviously, I haven’t been up here in years, and my heart is beating wildly in my chest. It’s like the feeling you get when you’re getting ready to see someone important to you, someone you haven’t seen for years. Excitement, but sheer nervousness at the same time. My stomach has dropped like it does when you’re on a roller coaster.
When we get to the top of the staircase, Bodhi pauses outside the shut door for a second, before pushing it open. It’s extremely dark as we enter. He fumbles for the light switch on the wall and everything quickly comes into view. It takes a minute for our eyes to adjust, but then we both gasp at what’s in front of us. There are at least fifty framed pictures covering every inch of the walls that weren’t here the last time I was in this room. From Bodhi’s reaction, they weren’t here the last time he was up here either. These pictures, at least half of them, are of Bodhi and I from our two years spent together with his mom.
“Bodhi!” I cover my mouth with my hand. “These are of us!”
He hasn’t moved. His eyes are just going from picture to picture, a pained expression on his face, but then he starts walking slowly around the room, silently looking at each picture more clearly. Touching them, running his fingers over the outlines of our faces that are smiling back at us. So many beautiful memories of Bodhi and I, that I didn’t even realize Lenora had captured. From when we were twelve, thirteen, and those few short months when we were both fourteen.
I move around, picture by picture, remembering every moment that stares back at me. I can almost hear our laughter. I can almost hear the secrets we shared huddled under beach towels, lying on the sand, sitting on the hood of a car, walking twenty steps ahead, shoulder to shoulder. Lenora captured it all. She captured our relationship when we didn’t even know we had one.
I can see her now, Lenora, up here those few weeks before her death, putting this all together. Knowing she was planning on leaving me her photography equipment. Knowing she was leaving me some photos. Knowing that even if Bodhi and I hadn’t reconnected somehow beforehand, Bodhi would come in here and see all of this. He would see the amazing connection we once had in every single picture Lenora handpicked to place on these walls. He would see the beautiful relationship that we both had lost, and he would want it back. I wonder if she ever thought for even a moment, that Bodhi and I would see what she did, together.
I look over at Bodhi, he’s now sitting on top of his mom’s desk, staring at me. I’m sure he’s been watching me move around the room this whole time, watching me remember our years together. He’s opened up the shutters and I can see the heavy rain falling down through the windows behind him. I can also see a box on the floor with my name on it. I can’t even think about going over there to see what’s inside that box right now. I’m not sure if mentally I’m ready to see what Lenora put in there for me. Plus, I’m too busy trying to read Bodhi’s thoughts, to understand what he’s thinking, to find out if he’s feeling the same emotions that I am. All I know for certain is that I want to be in his arms, feeling this way with him. Together.
I move over to him and he reaches out for my hands. I place mine in his and he pulls me towards him.
“She loved you so much,” I say, and then the tears escape from my eyes.
I look away. This was his mom, not mine. I wonder if the guilt I have for not being there for her when she was sick, and for Bodhi as his mom died in front of him, will ever go away or if it will continue to eat away at me year after year.
Bodhi wipes my tears with his fingers and nods. “She loved you too. You know that, right?”
I don’t say anything. There is nothing, absolutely nothing I can say to him that will describe how I feel, how it feels to know you’ve let down someone you love so badly.
“Eva, she loved you too. Even when you weren’t around.” He wipes my tears again. “I loved you too. Even when you weren’t around. We both did. Please tell me you understand that?”
“I do.”
“And she loved us,” he waves his hands around the room. “She must have spent her last few weeks doing this. I had no idea she was even up here. I never saw her up here. I swear she must have done this in the middle of the night.”
“It’s beautiful. It’s absolutely beautiful.”
“She knew I’d see this, and she knew what I would do once I saw it,” he smiles. “She knew how I felt, what I thought about you. How much I missed you those three years. She was determined to bring us back together.”
My heart catches in my throat. “She did. She did bring us back together.”
He raises his eyebrow in question. “How so?”
I wrap my arms around his neck and whisper in his ear, “Her death, Bodhi. Her death brought us back together.”
chapter twenty-six
Eva
I hear him take in a deep breath, and then his lips find mine. I can taste the salt from my own tears as his tongue slips into my mouth. I can feel him kissing away every ounce of crippling depression I’ve accumulated over these last three years. I can feel the guilt letting go, little by little, piece by piece, with each kiss. This is how it’s been from the moment Bodhi came back into my life. Every moment spent with him, every touch and embrace, has been cracking away at the person I became without him, the person I don’t want to be anymore.
He literally has been saving me from myself.
He moans a little as his mouth dives deeper into mine. The passion behind these kisses makes my stomach drop again. My arms tighten around his neck as his hands go under my shirt and he lifts me, placing me on his lap. He pushes at my hips, moving them closer to his. I follow the movements while his fingers dig into my skin.
“Bodhi,” his name escapes my mouth as I suddenly feel him underneath me.
He squeezes my waist and buries his head into my chest as he murmurs, “Slowly. Losing. All. Self-control.”
I tug on his hair, pulling his head up from my chest. “My self-control left days ago,” I tell him.
We cannot physically get any closer to each other, sitting like this, yet it still doesn’t feel like enough. I grab at his shirt, pulling it up and over his head, throwing it behind me as my mouth goes back to his. He lifts my shirt up, but pauses. I know he’s questioning if this is alright. I know he realizes I have nothing on under this shirt except for the pair of panties I flashed in front of his face a little whi
le ago. I know he wants me to tell him it’s okay, because if my shirt comes off, we will have officially reached uncharted territory.
My mouth goes to his neck as his hands linger at the bottom of my shirt. I’m more than ready for this. I bring my lips to his ear and whisper, “Confession. I think this is our fireworks moment.”
He brings his face to mine. “Confession. This is definitely our fireworks moment.”
My shirt comes off in one fluid motion and is tossed to the ground. Bodhi pulls my body into his, pushes his lips to mine, and effortlessly stands. My arms are still around his neck and my legs tighten around his waist as he moves us across the room. He flips the light switch off and everything abruptly darkens. My mouth is still on his as he places me on the bed. My hands try to pull him down, but his lips leave mine and he stands over me instead.
“Jesus, you are so beautiful, Eva. I hope you realize how beautiful you are.” And then he climbs on top of me, his mouth going right to my chest.
My hands pull at his hair and my toes curl over the sensation of his lips and tongue on such delicate places on my body. I’ve never felt this way before, this feeling like I’m going to explode with his touches and kisses. It’s amazing, but frightening all at the same time.
My body starts to move in the rhythm that it wants, my hips desperately pushing into his. Bodhi brings his mouth back up to mine as he grabs my thighs, lifting them up to his sides. I groan and pull at his swim trunks, guiding them down as he kicks them off, exposing just how ready he is. There’s no modesty. Bodhi and I are long past the point in our relationship where we need to be shy around each other.
His fingers wrap under the last article of clothing left between us. “Are you sure?”
I lift my hips so that he can pull them off. “Absolutely.”
“I have condoms,” he says. “Somewhere in my house. Let me go find one—”
He goes to leave, but I dig into his neck with my fingers. I can’t wait for him to find one, he doesn’t need to find one. “I’ve been on birth control since I was sixteen and have always been safe, and you, you said you’ve gotten tested and have always been safe too?”
“Yes, but Eva—”
“Bodhi,” I groan, my hips digging into his. I feel him through my panties and it about kills me they’re still on. “There will never be anyone else but us, and we’ve been responsible. Birth control, condoms, tests … we are being responsible. Ninety-nine percent effective, my birth control,” I remind him. “Are you telling me you’re going to be using condoms every single time, forever, even though I have an IUD? Because if you are, I’m getting that thing removed tomorrow—”
He shakes his head. “No, I won’t, but—”
I lift my hips up to his and he gasps as his eyes roll into the back of his head. “But nothing!” I growl. “It will always be you and me from now on! I am not just some girl you won’t ever see again! Forget about them! It’s us now. It’s me. I’m on birth control, you’re clean. We were safe this past year, now please, take them off.”
His mouth goes back to mine. “You’re mesmerizing when you’re bossy,” he smirks.
My fingers squeeze at his sides. “I want you, Bodhi. Right now,” is all I say back.
He nods, “I want you, Eva.” He guides my panties off and tosses them from the bed. “It’s always just been you,” he whispers into my ear. “I love you, so damn much. I always have.”
I know he does. I’ve always known this. “I love you too,” I murmur, and then Bodhi guides himself inside of me.
He moves slowly at first, kissing me tenderly as I match his rhythm. I know I leave marks on his back, my fingers clawing into his skin as I react to every feeling that is overtaking my body. His lips land on my neck as his movements increase. I can feel his body tremble against mine each time he moves. My hands grab at his hips, pushing them towards mine faster, while my legs shake and my entire body shivers as I feel the pressure building up in the pit of my stomach. Bodhi takes my hands into his, pushing against them as he raises them next to my face. My body arches off the bed as the pressure inside of me intensifies.
His eyes find mine. There is something so personal about him watching me as he moves inside of my body. Just staring down, kissing me at the same time. Almost like by doing this he can see into the depth of my entire being … it feels that intimate. I’ve never let my guard down like this before. I’ve never allowed anyone to see me this vulnerable and exposed. I’ve never allowed anyone to love me like this, because I knew no one could ever love me the way Bodhi does. My hands grab at his shoulders as this powerful sensation overtakes every part of my soul.
“Eva,” he moans my name. “It’s just us, you and me. Let go, babe. I want to hear you.”
His hips move faster, his hands squeeze mine again and my body might just burst every time he moves against me. I have no other choice. I feel myself unravel around him, and everything shatters into white.
It’s intense and beautiful, and I will forever search for the perfect adjective to describe this experience. It’s amazing how different sex is when you’re with someone you love, with someone who loves you as equally as you love them. With someone you can fully give yourself to, breaking down that wall of wondering if they’ll like what they see. Knowing that you can completely throw yourself into the moment, with no regrets lingering when it’s over. The experience is mind blowing. Earth shattering. One I have never experienced before.
When we’re done, lying side by side, my head on his chest as I come down from this euphoric high we’ve both experienced, neither one of us can speak. There are few moments in my life that have rendered me completely speechless. Most of them involve Bodhi, this is definitely one of them.
Bodhi’s fingers are running through my hair. He keeps kissing my head as if making sure I’m still here. I’m hot and sweaty, a complete contrast to how I was an hour ago.
“Eva?” he breathes my name into the dark.
“Bodhi?”
“I think we peaked too early. There’s no way it can get any better than that, and any other time from here on out will probably be a letdown.”
I laugh.
“For real. Start mentally preparing yourself.”
“Noted. We peaked at seventeen. Letdowns from here on out.”
He kisses my head again. “Eva?”
“Bodhi?”
“That was amazing. You, you were amazing. I’ve never …” he pauses, gathering his thoughts. “It’s an incredible experience with you.”
I look up at him. “Well, of course it is, we’re amazing together.”
“Yes, we are,” he agrees. We lie there in silence for a few more moments, his fingers still running through my hair. “Let’s stay here tonight,” he suddenly says.
I forgot we were supposed to head back to Dolly’s. I definitely don’t want to leave.
“Can we stay here?” he asks me. “I’ll make up some excuse to the guys. As wonderful as sleeping next to you in a booth sounds with Coop and Beck, not moving from this spot sounds even better. I want to stay exactly like this until I’m forced to take you home tomorrow.”
I agree completely. Lying here with Bodhi all night sounds like heaven. I rest my hand on his stomach, listening to his deep breathing as my fingers wander a little. I suddenly get that feeling again, the feeling that creeps out of my chest and spreads throughout my limbs. The feeling of wanting to be much closer to him than just this. The feeling of being so out of control with what I’m about to do, but not caring in the least bit.
“Yes,” I say firmly. “We stay here, because then we can answer that question.”
“What question?”
I swing my legs over his body and lock his hands into mine. “The question if we peaked too soon.”
And then my lips are back on his.
I WAKE UP EARLY the next morning. Bodhi and I are still in the studio, on the bed. I’m wearing his t-shirt I took off of him last night and his arm is draped across my back as
he sleeps. My phone gives a quick buzz and I find it under my pillow. A text message from my mom has just come through. The tree was getting removed and the water on High Bridge has gone down. I text back I would be home after some breakfast. I am not about to tell her where I actually am or what I did half the night.
I put my phone back under my pillow and turn to face Bodhi. He’s still sleeping, his long eyelashes are fluttering as I stare at him. I might have stayed like this, staring at him sleeping, for far longer than any sane person would have. I lean forward and kiss his forehead, his eyelids, his cheeks, his lips, trying to get him to wake up. With his eyes still closed, he smiles.
“Eva,” he moans, pulling my body in closer to him. “I can’t. Not right now. I need sleep.”
I kiss his lips again, and this time he kisses me back. When we part, his eyes open. He puts his thumb right onto my mouth.
“Morning,” he smiles.
“Morning.”
“I love seeing you in my shirt,” he pulls on the sleeve.
“I love wearing your shirt,” I say back.
He rubs his thumb on my lips. “Last night …” he goes to say.
My cheeks blush.
“I don’t think I’m going to be able to do anything productive today,” he tells me. “My mind is going to constantly go back to last night, and you, always you. I could do this every day.”
“Every day?” I raise my eyes in amusement.
He laughs. “Not that every day. Well, yes. That. Definitely that. But I was actually talking about waking up next to you every morning. I’ve been spoiled. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake up next to you every morning with you lying in my arms wearing my t-shirt.”
I touch his face and sincerely say, “I think we need to finish high school first.”
He groans. “Damn high school.”
Confession Page 28