by Maya Banks
He bit out another curse and thrust his hand into his hair. “All right, Ashley, no, I don’t love you. I care about you a great deal. I like and respect you. But if you want to know if I love you, then no.”
She made a broken sound of pain that was like a knife right through his chest. Why couldn’t he have just lied to her? Because she would have known the truth whether he admitted it or not and she’d already been deceived enough.
And maybe now they could finally go forward with complete and utter honesty and he could stop feeling like the worst sort of bastard at every turn.
She started to step backward, but she swayed precariously and flailed out one arm to catch herself on the mantel. He bolted forward, caught her shoulders and then guided her to the bed, forcing her down into a sitting position.
He took one step back and then heaved out a breath. Before he could launch into what he wanted to say, she found his gaze and he flinched at the raw vulnerability reflected in those eyes.
“What a fool I’ve made of myself,” she whispered. “How stupid and naive. How you must have laughed.”
“Damn it, Ash, I’ve never laughed at you. Never!”
“I loved you,” she said painfully. “Thought you loved me. Thought we were getting married because you wanted me, not my father’s business or whatever it was he offered you. How much did I cost you, Dev? Or should I ask how much my father offered you to marry me?”
Furious at the senseless direction this was heading, he yanked the chair out from the desk, turned it around and sat so he faced her.
“Listen to me. There’s no reason we can’t have an enjoyable marriage. We’re compatible. We get along well together. We’re good in bed. Those are three things many married couples don’t have going for them.”
She closed her eyes.
“Look at me, Ash. This may be painful to hear but maybe it’s for the best if we get it all out in the open. You’re far too emotional. You wear your feelings and your heart on your sleeve and it’s only going to get you hurt. Maybe it’s time for you to grow up and face the fact that life isn’t a fairy tale. You’re too impulsive. You dash about with no caution and no sense of self-preservation. That’s only going to cause you further pain down the road.”
She shook her head in utter confusion. Her eyes were cloudy and it was clear she was battling tears. “How could I possibly ever hurt as much as I do now? How can you be so…so…cold and calm and so matter-of-fact as if this is nothing more than a business meeting where you’re discussing figures and projections and sales and a whole host of other things I don’t understand?”
His gut twisted into a knot. He’d never felt so damn helpless in his life. He wished to hell it was as simple as telling her to be harder and for her not to let this destroy her, but he knew it was pointless because Ashley was one of the most tenderhearted people he knew and he was an ass to sit here and tell her to get over it.
She covered her face in her hands and he could see her throat working convulsively as she tried to keep her sobs silent. But they spilled out, harsh and brittle in the quiet.
He lifted his hand to touch her hair but left it in the air before finally pulling it back. She wouldn’t welcome comfort from him, of all people. If it were any other woman, she’d have already come after his nuts and he’d deserve everything she dished out and more.
“Ash, please don’t cry.”
She lifted her ravaged face and pushed angrily at her hair. “Don’t cry? What the hell else do you suggest I do? How could you do this? How could my father? Tell me, Devon, what was the price put on my future? What do you get out of the bargain?”
He stared at her in silence.
“Tell me, damn it! I think I deserve to know what my happiness was traded for.”
“Your father wanted me to marry you as part of the merger between Tricorp Investments and Copeland Hotels,” he bit out. “Happy now? Can you tell me what possible good it does for you to know that?”
“It doesn’t make me happy but I damn well want to know what I’ve gotten myself into, or rather what my father got me into. Did I ever even have a chance? Did you study up on all the ways to worm your way into my heart?”
“Christ, no. Look, it was all real. It’s not like I faked an attraction to you. It wasn’t exactly a hardship to pursue you. If I hadn’t wanted to marry you, no merger or deal would have persuaded me differently. I thought and still think that we’d make a solid marriage. I don’t see why love has to be the be-all and end-all in this equation. Mutual respect and friendship are far more important aspects of a relationship.”
“Maybe you can tell me how the hell I’m supposed to respect a man who doesn’t love me and who manipulated me into a marriage based on deception. Does everyone think I’m a brainless twit who should be pathetically grateful that a man sweeps into my life and offers to take care of me? I’ve got news for you and my family. I hadn’t married yet because it was my choice. I hadn’t had sex with a man yet because I had enough respect for myself that I wasn’t going to be pressured into something I wasn’t ready for. It’s not like I haven’t had men interested in me. I’m not pathetically needy nor was I going to waste away if I wasn’t married by the ripe old age of twenty-three. I was happy. I had a good life.” “Ashley, listen to me.”
He leaned forward, caught her hands and stared until she quieted and returned his gaze.
“Right now you’re upset and you’re hurting. But don’t discount the possibility that we could enjoy a comfortable, lasting marriage. Don’t make a snap decision you may regret later. Take some time to think about it when you’ve calmed down. When you’re not so volatile, you’ll be able to look at the situation more objectively.”
“Oh screw off,” she snapped. “Could you be any more patronizing? ‘Don’t be so high-strung, Ashley. Don’t be so stupid and naive. Don’t expect ridiculous things like love and affection in a marriage. How perfectly absurd would that be?’”
“I don’t think we should have this conversation any longer,” he said tightly. “Not until you’ve had time to calm down and think about what you’re saying.” He stood abruptly and she looked hastily away but not before he saw the silver trail of her tears streaking down her cheeks.
He wanted more than anything to pull her into his arms and let her cry on his shoulder. He wanted to comfort her, hold her, soothe her fears and tell her it would be all right. But how could he when he was the sole reason she was devastated?
“I’m sorry, Ash,” he said hoarsely. “I know you don’t believe that, but I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know. I would have done anything at all to spare you this pain.”
“Please, just go away and leave me alone,” she choked out. “I can’t even look at you right now.”
He hesitated a moment and then sighed in resignation. “I’ll take the couch in the living area. We’ll talk more in the morning.”
It took every ounce of his willpower to turn around and walk out of the bedroom. His instincts screamed at him not to leave her alone. To take her in his arms and force the issue. Make her listen to him. To not relent until she agreed that their marriage could and would work if only they could set aside the emotional volatility that always seemed to accompany declarations of love.
He had only to point at his friends to know this was an inevitable truth. Their lives were emotional messes brought on by the letter L.
All that angst and suffering in the name of love. Rafe and Ryan had spent more time in abject misery and all because they’d been ripped to shreds by…love.
Devon grimaced and sank onto the couch in the dark living room. What a wedding night this had turned out to be. Maybe he’d always known that it was inevitable that she learn the truth. How could she not? But he’d hoped they’d have a lot more mileage behind them. Then she could see that their marriage wasn’t defined by love or emotion, volatility or vulnerability.
Friendship, companionship, trust, respect.
Those were all things he was on bo
ard with.
Love? Not so much. It was a messy, raw emotion he had no desire to embroil himself with.
CHAPTER 10
Ashley sat on the private veranda and stared over the ocean as the sun began its hesitant rise. She felt empty. Wrung out. She felt stupid and so horribly naive that she cringed. It still baffled her that a life she’d thought was so perfect just hours before was a complete facade.
All night she’d sat huddled in an uncomfortable chair trying to come to grips with the fact that she’d been lied to at every turn. She’d been used and manipulated, not just by Devon, but by her own father. And all over a business deal.
She couldn’t wrap her head around it.
Why? Why had it been so important for Devon to marry her? Was her father so unconvinced of Ashley’s ability to manage her own life that he’d all but hired a man to be her husband? She winced at the thought, but it was appropriate. At the very least, she’d been used as a bargaining chip.
She rubbed at eyes that felt full of sand. She’d cried all that she was going to allow herself to cry. She be damned if she shed another single tear over her husband.
A dry laugh escaped her. Her husband. What was she going to do about her marriage? Her complete and utter farce of a marriage.
She closed her eyes against the humiliation of it all. What a fool she’d made of herself over the last month. She wanted to die from it.
Had he laughed at her the entire time? Had he joked with his friends about what a gullible idiot she was? She didn’t like to imagine he could be so cruel, but the man she’d faced down the night before and demanded the truth from had been brutally honest. At her insistence, but crushingly forthright all the same.
“It’s time you had the cold hard truth, Ashley,” she whispered. She’d been living a fantasy.
She rubbed at her temples, willing the vicious ache to go away. But the pain in her head was nothing compared to the unbearable ache in her heart.
Should she leave him? Should she ask for a divorce? They could have the shortest marriage on record. She could go back home. Chalk it up to a lesson learned the hard way. It was doubtful at this point that her father would pull the plug on the deal because Devon had lived up to his end of the bargain. It wasn’t Devon who was unhappy with the result. It was her. Everyone had evidently thought she was the very last person who should be consulted about her life.
But the idea of divorcing Devon held as little appeal as living in the cold, sterile state her marriage now existed in. She deeply loved him and love wasn’t something you could switch off at will. She was hurt beyond belief. She was angry and she felt horribly betrayed. But she still loved him and she still wished that they could go back to the way things had been before she’d found out the damnable truth.
It was true what they said about ignorance being bliss. She’d give anything at all to go back to being that innocent little girl who still believed in happily ever after with Prince Charming. For just a little while Devon had been that prince. He’d been perfect. She’d built him into something he wasn’t, and that wasn’t entirely his fault. He couldn’t be blamed for her utter stupidity.
No, she didn’t want a divorce. But neither did she want to live a life with a man who didn’t love her.
She thought back to all the things he’d said to her the night before. His criticisms had stung. They’d stunned her. She’d never imagined that he’d thought of her in such a negative way. But maybe he was right.
Maybe she was too impulsive, too flighty, too exuberant. Perhaps she should be more controlled, more guarded, show more of a knack for self-preservation.
It was evident that he didn’t want the person she was. It was evident he didn’t love flighty, impulsive, tender-hearted, animal-loving Ashley Copeland, who called him at work just to say she loved him.
If he didn’t want or love that person, then the only two options left to her were to walk away and get a divorce or to become someone he could love.
Could she make him fall in love with her? Her family always worried that she was too trusting. Too naive. Too everything. Apparently they were right.
The only person who didn’t seem to think anything was wrong with who Ashley Copeland was, was Ashley herself. And it was becoming increasingly clearer that her judgment stank.
It was time for one hell of a makeover.
But the idea didn’t excite her. It didn’t infuse enthusiasm into her flagging spirits. It was a bleak thought and she dimly wondered if Devon was worth such an effort.
Would his love be enough, provided she could even make him fall in love with her?
A voice in the back of her mind whispered that it was time for her to grow up. It was a voice that sounded precariously close to Devon’s. He thought she should grow up. Her father evidently thought the same. Maybe they were both right.
She stiffened when she heard a sound on the terrace. She knew it was Devon but she wasn’t ready to face him yet.
“Have you been out here all night?” he asked quietly.
She nodded wordlessly and continued to stare over the water.
He walked to the thick stone railing that enclosed the private viewing area, shoved his hands in his pockets and for a moment stared over the water as she was doing. Then he turned to face her and leaned back against the stone.
He looked as bad as she felt, though she had no sympathy. His hair was rumpled. He was still in the same clothes as the night before.
“Ash, don’t torture yourself over this. There’s no reason we can’t have a perfectly good marriage, no matter the circumstances of how we came to be married.”
He was starting to repeat his arguments from the previous night and the truth was, she couldn’t stomach hearing again how she was naive and impulsive and whatever else it was he’d said when he outlined all her faults.
She bit her lip to keep the angry flood from rushing out because at this point it did her no good and she didn’t have the emotional energy to spare.
She held up a hand to stop him and cursed at how it trembled. She put it back down and tucked it into her gown, blinking as she realized she was still in her sexy, lacy lingerie that she’d so painstakingly picked out for her wedding night.
Unbidden tears welled again in her eyes as she realized just what a disaster her wedding night had been. What should have been the most special night of her entire life would forever be a black hole in her past no matter what happened in the future.
“I agree,” she said before he could launch into another list of her shortcomings.
He promptly shut his mouth and then stared at her, his brows drawn together in confusion. “You do?”
She nodded again because the words seemed to stick in her throat. Almost as if they were rebelling. It took her a few moments to force out what she wanted to say.
“You’re absolutely right. I was being silly. I had unrealistic expectations and I shouldn’t allow them to get in the way of marriage.”
He winced but remained quiet.
“I am agreeable to at least a period of time in which we see how things progress.”
He frowned at that but she looked up with dead eyes. “Be glad I’m not on a plane home with an appointment to see a divorce lawyer.”
He pushed out a breath and then slowly nodded. “All right. How long do you think this test period will last?”
She shrugged. “How would I know? I can’t exactly put a time frame on when I can give up all hope of having a happy marriage.”
“Ash.”
The low growl in which he said her name only served to make her angrier. She curled her fingers into tight balls, determined not to give in to the urge to scream at him. She was determined to get through this, no matter how excruciating it was.
“I’m not trying to punish you, Devon. I’m trying to get through this without losing what little pride I have left.”
He went pale and pain flickered in his eyes. And shame. Though that hadn’t been her intention, either. She wasn’
t trying to make digs at him because that wouldn’t make this go away. It wouldn’t give her back her happiness. It would only make her more miserable than she already was.
“You seem to think we can have an enjoyable marriage. I personally find no joy in being married to a man who doesn’t love me, but I’m willing to try. You’re probably right in that I shouldn’t allow something so silly as love to enter the equation.”
“Damn it, I care a lot for you—”
“Please,” she bit out, halting his words in midsentence. “Just don’t. Don’t try to make it better by offering me platitudes. It was hard to hear your assessment of my faults. Does anyone ever like to hear that about themselves? But I’m willing to work on not being so impulsive and exuberant or whatever else it was that you mentioned. I’ll try to be the best wife I can be and not disappoint you.”
He bit out a sharp curse but she ignored him and plunged ahead before she lost all her courage and fled.
“I just have one thing to ask in return,” she whispered.
She was trying valiantly not to break down again. She’d already made such an idiot of herself in front of him. She was forever making a total cake of herself with him.
His lips were thin. His eyes were dark with raw emotion. At least he wasn’t totally unaffected by her distress.
“I find the situation I’m in immensely humiliating. I’ll make every effort to be a wife you’ll be proud of. All I ask is that you please not embarrass me in front of my family by making our issues known to anyone. What I’m asking you to do is pretend. At least with them.” “God, Ash. You act as though I despise you. I’d never embarrass you.”
“I just don’t want them to know you don’t love me,” she choked out. “If you could just act like—like a real husband in front of them. You don’t have to go overboard. Just don’t treat me with indifference now that you don’t have to pretend in order to get me to marry you anymore.”