by Beth Wiseman
“Nee. Not really. He came by today and told me to keep his phone since I still hadn’t heard from you.” She shrugged. “He wants to spend the day with me on Saturday, but I’m not sure I will. I mean, maybe I will, but I don’t know. It just seems we’re too different to really get any more serious than we are. I think our relationship will probably dissolve organically. It’s okay though because—”
Lizzie swung her feet off the coffee table and planted them on the floor as she sat taller. “Child, what are you going on about? Dissolve organically? What in the world does that even mean? You’ve been head over heels for that man. Did he do something to cause you to change your feelings?”
“Nee, Benjamin is wonderful. And that’s the problem. After meeting his mudder, it’s quite clear that he came from a lovely family. They’re close. His parents raised him and his sisters in a haus filled with lieb. He’ll make a gut father someday, and I—”
“Stop!” Lizzie slapped her hands to her knees. “Don’t you dare tell me that you don’t think you can be a gut mudder and that you’re sparing him a lifetime with you because you’re damaged. That’s baloney. You’d be denying both of you a lifetime of happiness.”
“You are both exhausted,” Rose said, sighing. “We will discuss this another time.”
“Nee. I want to talk about it now.” Lizzie spit her teeth out in her hand and scowled.
“Lizzie, hush.” Esther rubbed her temples. “Quit badgering the child.”
Lizzie shook her head. “From everything you and Esther have told me, you seem to have these feelings of unworthiness and shame. Rose, you have to let those emotions go and give yourself permission to be happy.”
“I agree,” Esther said softly.
“I’m not the gut person you think me to be.” Rose was tired of hiding within herself, clinging to the one thing she hadn’t told anyone. Her heart pounded in her chest like a bass drum as her lips began to tremble and sweat gathered like tiny rivers across her forehead. “Esther, I told you that I didn’t ask Gott for a miracle when mei daed was sick. And I told you that I was sad when he died.” She paused, squeezing her eyes closed and trying to rid herself of his face. “Maybe on some level I was sad. Sad that he was mei father. Sad for mei bruders and schweschdere, that we had lived the way we had.” She opened her eyes and looked back and forth between Esther and Lizzie. “I hated him! I hated mei father. He was an evil man, a terrible man.” She bent at the waist. “I have so much hatred inside of me, how could I ever be a gut parent?” Long overdue sobs poured forth, the last of the bottled-up emotions she’d been carrying around.
When she finally straightened, Esther and Lizzie were both crying.
“This isn’t the time for this,” Rose said, shaking her head. “Not today, after the news about Gus, not today when—”
“Rose?” Esther waited for Rose to meet her gaze. “What did your father do to you?”
Saying it out loud would mean it happened. Even though she knew it did, she would have to face it head-on. “He taped mei mouth shut with duct tape when I talked too much.” She lowered her head. “Maybe it doesn’t sound as bad as a beating, or some of the other things my siblings went through, but it was humiliating and painful when he ripped the tape off. Once when I had a stuffy nose, I begged mei mamm to take the tape off. I wrote it on a piece of paper that I couldn’t breathe. She put some saline drops in mei nose and told me to blow mei nose. It only helped a little. But she said the tape would stay on. I knew not to talk too much, but it wasn’t something I could help. Words just spilled out, and I had trouble organizing mei thoughts, and I never felt calm or at peace. I was always nervous. It’s not like that when I’m with Benjamin. I feel free to talk all I want, but he has a calming effect on me, so mei words are better organized. But how could I subject him to someone with all of this bottled-up hatred? It’s wrong in the eyes of the Lord, and I know in mei heart that it’s wrong. I’m ashamed of mei feelings.” Realizing how long she’d had her head hung, she lifted her eyes to Esther and Lizzie. Both women had their hands to their mouths. “I’m sorry. I’m talking too much again.”
“Rose, how long did your parents leave the tape on?” Esther’s face was drawn, and Rose wished so badly she hadn’t said anything. “For an hour? Longer? It doesn’t matter, Rose. You did nothing to deserve that.”
“Sometimes he left it on for days. He would rip it off so I could eat, then he put it back on.” She squeezed her eyes closed, and the memories were like venom flowing through her veins, slowly eating away at her if she didn’t harness the hate and get rid of it.
Esther held her face in her hands. Lizzie’s mouth hung open.
“Most of the time, I can keep the memories at bay, refusing to be anything but happy. But somehow everything came barreling to the surface when I realized how much I cared for Benjamin. I thought all I’d ever wanted was to be a fraa and mudder, to be everything mei own mamm wasn’t.”
“You can have all of that, hon. Genes don’t make us who we are.” Lizzie nodded at Esther. “I mean, look how different me and Esther are. I’m the cute, sweet, delicate one, and she’s the large, matronly, boring one.” She flashed a toothless smile at her sister.
“Cute, sweet, and delicate?” Esther’s eyes widened.
Lizzie waved off her sister and refocused on Rose. “And you are a product of your environment.”
“Exactly,” Rose said softly. “And I’m afraid mei environment wasn’t very gut. There wasn’t love in the traditional way. Mei siblings, we all loved each other, but we were fearful all the time, and—”
“Stop,” Lizzie said again as she held up a hand. “I’m not talking about the past. I’m talking about your environment right now. Today. What do you see?”
Rose looked back and forth between Esther and Lizzie and even smiled a little. “I see two schweschdere, who are very different, but who love each other very much.”
“What else? Where do you live?” Lizzie settled back into the couch cushions.
“I-I live here.”
“This is your environment. You live in a haus filled with love. We all love each other, and this is your life today—now. Yesterdays are gone, hon. Embrace the future, lean on the Lord, and make your world everything you want it to be. He wants that for you. And I believe sometimes Gott puts us through things, and it seems to us that it doesn’t have any rhyme or reason, but there is always a purpose for our hardships.”
Rose stood up. “I appreciate everything you are saying, and I love you both very much. But I think I have to work through this on mei own.” She went to the couch and hugged each of them. “I’m sorry to have created more upset and worry on a day when news about Gus has everyone upset already.” She glanced at Lizzie to see if she’d roll her eyes, but she didn’t.
“Don’t you apologize, mei maedel.” Esther kissed her on the cheek, then began to cry again. “If anyone needs to say they are sorry, it is me and Lizzie.” She shook her head hard. “We never should have told you not to be so chatty. It’s who you are, it makes you the person you are, and—” She wept even harder.
“She’s right, hon.” Lizzie cupped Rose’s face. “For that to have happened to you”—she brushed away a tear—“we never should have encouraged you to be anyone you aren’t. I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t apologize.” Rose shook her head. “You helped me to be a better listener and to actually hear what was being said without words swimming aimlessly around in mei head. I’m a better person due to the advice you have both given me. It’s all about balance. Maybe what happened when I was a child fueled my chattiness as an adult, but I do feel I’m a better listener today. Please don’t feel regret.”
Both women were quiet and dabbing at their eyes.
“I’ll be upstairs if you need anything.” Rose hoped she wouldn’t develop a headache. This was all too much for one day, and she suspected Esther and Lizzie felt the same way.
* * *
After Rose was upstairs, Esther and Li
zzie fell back onto the couch. “I don’t know if we actually helped that girl or not, but I would have told her to talk all the time if I’d known the abuse she suffered.” Esther blotted the tears in her eyes again as Lizzie nodded in agreement.
Esther finally took in a deep breath and patted Lizzie on the leg. “I’m proud of how you handled this situation. Even if you did call me matronly and boring. I wasn’t sure at first if you were pushing her too hard, but maybe she will reflect on some of the things you said and begin to heal.”
“Rose has always been so cheerful and chatty. I don’t like seeing her this way, so down and out.” Lizzie pushed her lip into a pout. “I understand how life’s woes can catch up with a person, but it’s all landed on her hard. But I’ll tell you one thing . . .”
Esther braced herself and clutched her apron.
“She is not going to let that Benjamin get away. I’m going to see to that. They seem so gut for each other.”
“I’m going to have to agree with you, but all on Gott’s time frame.” Esther yawned. “I’m going to go out to the barn and call Gus. And don’t give me a hard time about it.”
“Just use our mobile phone. I charged it at the hospital.” Lizzie pointed to the kitchen. “It’s on the counter.”
“We’re only supposed to use those for emergencies.” Esther yawned.
“I guess this kind of is.”
There was a sadness in Lizzie’s voice that Esther felt in her heart. The entire day had been overwhelming. She’d pray that tomorrow would be better.
Chapter 20
Esther used the mobile phone to call from her bedroom. She didn’t know you couldn’t actually talk to a patient in ICU. She asked the person who answered the phone for an update on Gus, and the nurse on duty said he was feeling much better after the blood transfusion. “He will probably be moved into a regular room in the morning,” the woman had said. When Esther questioned about hospice care, the nurse told her she didn’t see it noted on his chart. Esther smiled before she ended the call. God was still in the miracle business, and Gus was going to be a recipient. Esther was sure of it.
But even her positive attitude about Gus couldn’t squash everything that had happened today. She buried her face in her pillow and sobbed, even though she didn’t think she had any tears left. Such sadness had wrapped around them, and Esther prayed hard for Gus’s recovery. She asked God to ease Rose’s pain. And she prayed for her entire family to be well and happy.
She had cried for a long while when her bedroom door opened. Lizzie walked in, crawled in bed with her, and draped an arm over her. Her younger sister used to do that when they were growing up, when Esther had a nightmare or was sad or afraid. Esther latched on to Lizzie’s hand, and no words were necessary. Lizzie just held her while she cried.
* * *
Rose stared at the phone when it began to buzz on the nightstand. She owed it to Benjamin to answer, to make arrangements for him to get his cell phone back. But she wasn’t the same Rose he enjoyed spending time with, and she had no plans to spend the day with him. She’d meant what she said to Lizzie, that the relationship would just organically dissolve. There was no need for a messy breakup because Rose wasn’t even sure what their status was.
“Wie bischt,” he said after she answered. “Are you doing okay this evening?”
Rose was far from okay, and her insides twisted like knots tightening. “I’m all right. It has just been a long day.”
“I know. You sound tired.” He paused. It sounded like he might have yawned, which induced the same from Rose. “Did you decide about Saturday?”
She squeezed her eyes closed and thought about how nice it would be to spend the day with Benjamin—under different circumstances. Rose wouldn’t be good company for anyone right now. “I think that, um, with everything going on with Gus, I need to stay close to Lizzie, and particularly Esther. Both of them are exhausted, so I’m going to do more to help out.” She put her arm across her stomach and bent at the waist.
“Okay.” He was quiet for a while. “I need to get mei phone back. Is there a time that would be convenient for me to pick it up?”
Rose opened her mouth to tell him any time was fine, but the formality in his voice made it clear they weren’t just talking about the phone. This was an ending, and they both knew it. Benjamin’s disadvantage was that he didn’t know why. It seemed their parting of ways wasn’t happening as organically as she’d predicted.
“Whenever it’s convenient for you.” Rose hoped he would give her a time so that she could plan to be gone.
“I have a couple of jobs tomorrow, but I’ll come by in between them or when I’m done.”
The formality was there again. They were setting a meeting, nothing more. “Okay,” she said.
They were both quiet, as if neither wanted to hang up, but they didn’t know what to say either.
Finally, Rose said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Benjamin’s goodbye was abrupt, and the line was dead before Rose had a chance to respond.
She buried her head in her pillow, racked with sobs. She’d just pushed away possibly her only chance for happiness. But Benjamin wouldn’t be content with Rose until she was happy with herself. And she didn’t know if or when that would happen.
* * *
Benjamin sat on the workbench for about ten minutes after he hung up with Rose. Gus’s condition had surely upset the entire houseful of women, but his gut told him it was more than that. The call had been an unspoken goodbye, and Benjamin was angry and hurt. She could have at least told him what he’d done to run her off.
He lifted himself from the workbench and jumped down. Then he picked up the business card he’d taken out to the barn, knowing he might have to make a call after he talked to Rose. He tapped the card against his palm a few times and wondered if he should wait to cancel his reservation. Maybe she would change her mind when he saw her tomorrow.
After another few minutes, his anger began to settle, and the churning in his stomach eased up. Maybe she was more upset about Gus than she was revealing. Benjamin would give her some time. That was the right thing to do. He needed to make the call.
It rang three times before Sam Hanners picked up the phone. Benjamin took a deep breath. “Captain Hanners?”
“Speaking.”
“This is Benjamin King.” He closed his eyes and wished things were different.
“Yeah. You’re the young Amish man who requested I take you and your girl on a spin down the river. There’s a section at the far end of the east fork that’s deep and will let me build up some good speed.”
“Sir, I’m sorry to have to do this, but I’m going to have to cancel. Something came up with mei, uh . . . friend.” He cleared his throat. “And she can’t make it.”
“That’s all right, fella. The boat will still be here when you’re ready, and good Lord willing, I’ll still be here too.”
Benjamin thanked him, and as he walked to the house, he pictured Rose with her eyes wide in amazement as they held on to the dash—and each other—going however fast Captain Hanners would have been able to go on the river. Where had Rose gone? And would she be back?
* * *
Rose rode with Esther to go see Gus the following morning. It would keep her out of the house most of the day. Hopefully, Benjamin would pick up his phone while she was gone. She’d left it with Lizzie and explained that he might come for it. Also, she hated to see Esther make the trip alone an hour each way to the hospital in Bloomington.
“Henry, do you want me to call you again when we’re ready? Or we can set a time now for you to pick us up.” Esther picked up the chocolate pie she’d brought as she scootched across the seat in the van. Rose took the pie so she could step out.
“I’ll just hang around the area until I hear from you. Nothing on my agenda today.” Henry slid the passenger door closed.
They strolled toward the entrance and Rose glanced over her shoulder as the van pulled away. “Didn’
t you say Henry has been driving for you and Lizzie for a long time?”
“On and off, more so after his wife passed.”
“Hmm.”
Esther cut her eyes at Rose. “What do you mean, hmm?”
“He’s a widow. He’s Englisch. And you’ve known him for a while. I’m surprised Lizzie hasn’t tagged him as suspect number three. He’s a nice-looking man. And he seems kind. Maybe he’s the one—” Rose stopped as she realized she was about to dive into nervous chatter.
Esther chuckled. “Nee, it’s not Henry. And I’d almost forgotten about mei secret admirer. If I had a stalker, it seems he would have stalked by now, so I’ll stick to referring to him as mei secret admirer.”
“It’s nice to hear you laugh. I know this is a hard time for you.” Rose opened the main door to the hospital and stepped aside for Esther. They went to the front desk and were told Gus was in a regular room this morning, room 215. That news brought a smile to Esther’s face. He hadn’t been taken to a hospice facility.
“He’s out of ICU,” she said as she picked up her pace.
As they neared the elevators, Esther said, “I realize it’s a tough time for you, too, but I think many of your worries are unfounded when it comes to Benjamin.”
“I think I need to get myself right before I can be gut for anyone. And I don’t understand Gott’s timing. From the time I left Ohio, I had managed to leave mei past mostly behind me. And now it has come back to haunt me at the worst possible time.”
After the elevator door closed, they were quiet since there were three other people with them. But once they stepped out, Esther said, “You are allowing it to haunt you, Rose. I sympathize with your situation. I truly do. But shame and fear do not come from Gott. Love and forgiveness come from Gott.”
“I know.” And what do I do with all this hatred I have for mei father? She’d woken up around three this morning. All the covers were off the bed. Her house slippers weren’t in their normal spot by the bed, and her hairbrush was on the floor. She had a funny feeling she might have been sleepwalking again, which seemed to only happen when she was upset. And it hadn’t occurred in a long time.