I found myself sitting in the dark forest, more often than not as of late, deep in thought. Alone. Nate was busy with Alissa now, so I didn’t go to him with my problems like I once had. He would listen to me if I went to him, but I didn’t want him to know what was bothering me so much.
I didn’t understand why Grace had such a firm hold over my thoughts. I should just go to her and take what I wanted. Give in to my desire for her. And get her out of my system for good. Except I was afraid if I touched her, I wouldn’t be able to stop. So I resisted the temptation to go to her.
But it wasn’t easy.
While I was able to avoid the other dregs, I couldn’t avoid the ghosts.
Josephine swirled around every time I entered the maze, following behind me, nagging me with questions and sharing her unwanted opinions. As I headed for the surface that night, Josephine followed.
“Did ya get into a fight with your girl? You’re awfully moody lately. Why don’t ya just apologize and make up?”
I ignored her as I continued through the maze toward the surface. But Josephine was nothing if she wasn’t persistent.
“Ya love her, don’t ya? I can tell. That’s why you’re so grumpy.”
I came to a halt, turning to glare at her. “Go away, Josephine. I don’t have a girl, and I sure as hell don’t love her.”
“Then why are ya so grumpy?”
I groaned, rubbing a hand over my face. I didn’t want to share my secrets with a ghost. But who else was there? I wasn’t about to bug Nate. I had no one else to turn to.
“You’re too young to understand,” I told her.
She harrumphed. “I may have died young, but I’m a lot older than ya. Believe me, there’s nothing I haven’t seen, and I mean nothing.”
Josephine was right. She may have died at the age of thirteen, but she was an old soul who’d been haunting this plantation since the late 1800s. She’d probably seen things even if I couldn’t imagine.
I reached the surface and made my way to the large boulder beneath the pines. Josephine followed me, obviously sensing I was ready to open up and tell her what was bothering me.
I sank down onto the boulder.
“You’re right,” I said at last. “It’s a woman. I can’t get her out of my head.”
“Oooh!” She clapped her hands in excitement. “What’s her name?”
I hesitated, then admitted, “Grace.”
“Grace,” she repeated, then giggled. “Amazing Grace!” she sang loudly, “How sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind, but now I see...”
“Shut up,” I grumbled. I’d heard of that hymn before, but I’d never been inside a church in my life, so the words of the song were unfamiliar to me. The version I’d heard was more vulgar and involved a woman sitting on a man’s face.
Mierda. The image of Grace sitting on my face while I drove her wild with my tongue slammed into my mind. It was an image I liked way too much. One I’d been thinking about way too often. One that could never happen.
Josephine giggled and slapped her thigh. “Were ya lost and now ya’ve been found? Blind and now ya see?”
“Shut. Up.”
She snickered. “Well, ya are a wretch, ya know.”
I sighed. Yeah. I couldn’t argue with that. I was completely wretched.
“So, what’d you do?” she asked, her skinny arms bending as she perched her hands on her hips.
I snorted. Shit. How did I answer that? I hadn’t really done anything. Except fight my yearning for Grace, my desire to be closer to her. My desperate need for her that was growing stronger the longer I resisted.
I shrugged. “I didn’t really do anything. But I may have hurt her feelings.” In fact, I was pretty sure I had. I should have stayed and waited for her to finish her phone call. I could have even gone with her and helped her retrieve her girls. But instead, I’d gone home. I’d let my insecurities get in the way. So I’d fled.
“Did ya say ya was sorry?”
I stared at the ground. “No.” I wasn’t good at apologizing. There were very few people I cared about in this world. When I wronged them, I let them beat me up in the ring. It was easier to take a beating than to tell someone I was sorry. I avoided feelings that way. I didn’t do feelings.
Josephine shook her head. “Ya men are so stubborn. Just go to her. Tell her you’re sorry. And all will be well.”
I let out another snort. “Right. I doubt she wants to see me again.”
Josephine lifted her head, staring into the underground maze. “Incoming.”
With a barely perceptible shift of air, she disappeared.
Poof.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Tony
I rose from the boulder as Nate and Alissa emerged from the maze. Nate eyed me curiously. “Who were you talking to?”
I flushed, glancing at Alissa. Apparently, she hadn’t told him my secret. Another wave of respect washed over me. Alissa was a good woman. She was definitely worthy of Nate.
I hesitated as I glanced back at my partner. Maybe it was time to tell him the truth. It was the only secret I’d ever kept from him.
“Josephine,” I admitted. “A ghost. She died on this plantation when she was thirteen.”
Silence.
Then, “O-kay.” Nate nodded. “How long have you been speaking to ghosts?”
This was where it got tricky. Nate might be offended when he found out I’d kept this a secret from him for thirteen years. I cleared my throat. “Ever since Christopher died.”
For a moment, incomprehension flickered in Nate’s eyes. Then his eyes lit as the memory struck him. “Oh, really? For that long? Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
I glanced at Alissa again. She smiled, waiting, obviously curious.
I shrugged. “Because if I tell people I talk to dead things, what do you think they’re going to say? Loco. Loony. Insane. Everyone already thinks I’m wacked. No need to add to it. If it had gotten back to The General, he would have said I was unfit for duty and executed me.”
Nate scowled. “Have I ever mocked you for anything, ever? Have I ever not believed you?”
I lowered my gaze, feeling chastised. “No.”
He heaved out a sigh. “I understand why you didn’t want The General to know. But I’m your partner, man. You should have trusted me with the truth. I wouldn’t have told anyone. You know that.”
His words stung. Because he was right. I should have trusted him. And my distrust hurt him.
So I became defensive like I always did when I hurt someone. “You don’t know what it was like being me at the facility,” I snapped. “I was the only Mexican there. Do you know how many times I had to listen to racial slurs from the other soldiers? Spick. Wetback. Beaner. Greaseball. Tacohead. Go back to Mexico, you dumb Mexican. You don’t belong in this country.”
Alissa let out a soft gasp. “Oh my God. Tony...”
Nate’s eyes filled with pain.
And I wanted to take it all back. It wasn’t Nate’s fault. He’d never treated me any differently than anyone else. He’d been my best friend, standing beside me always.
“I didn’t know you felt that way.” There was sadness in Nate’s eyes that shamed me. I shouldn’t have said that, but I couldn’t take the words back. “I wish you’d told me, man.”
I’d always felt like an outcast. The dumb Mexican. But I’d never told Nate that. I guess that meant I’d kept more than one secret from him.
I hesitated, then admitted, “I always knew my mother hadn’t wanted me, even though I had no memory of her. I sensed it from the beginning. I always had this feeling of being unwanted. Unloved.”
Alissa reached for me, squeezing my hand. I didn’t pull away like I normally would. I didn’t have the energy to pull back. Or the desire to. For once in my life, I wanted comfort. But not from Alissa.
Grace.
I wanted Grace.
Alissa eyed me curiously. “If you want her,
then go to her. Why are you being so stubborn about it?”
Confusion swamped me. Then it dawned on me that I’d spoken Grace’s name out loud. Heat crept up my neck and into face.
“Seriously, Tony. Go to Grace,” Alissa urged gently. “Talk to her. She’s a good listener. She’ll understand. She won’t judge you.”
I let out a false laugh. “Why would you say that?”
“Because Grace cares for you, and I think, deep down, you care for her, too. There’s an obvious spark between you two. If you need her, then go to her.”
I yanked my hand from her grasp with a loud snort. “You’re delusional, woman. I don’t need anyone. I never have.”
Nate frowned. “Keep telling yourself that, buddy. One of these days you’ll realize it’s not true.”
I hissed out a breath. “Fuck.” It occurred to me in that moment that all the anger and pain and guilt and resentment and the violent tendencies that had plagued me over the years all stemmed from my feelings of being unloved and unwanted my entire life. I shouldn’t have dragged the race card into it. That hadn’t been fair to Nate. He’d never treated me like I was a “dumb Mexican”. None of the dregs had. In truth, I hadn’t meant to lash out at him, he’d just been here, and all those feelings had been bubbling up inside me all these years, festering, waiting to be released. And I’d finally let them out.
My chest caved in on me then, shriveling up, choking off my air. I turned away from them, heading into the trees. Not wanting them to witness me losing my composure.
“Go inside,” Nate whispered to Alissa. “I’ll be along shortly.”
She left, and then Nate moved up beside me.
Neither one of us spoke for a long time. We just stood there in silence, like we had many times in the past.
“I didn’t mean to shut you out,” I said at last. “I just…” I sighed, unsure how to explain it. How did I explain those feelings of being so alone, so different from everyone else?
Nate clapped me on the shoulder. “We’ve all felt unloved and unwanted at some point. You’re not alone, man. We’re here for you. All of us. You know that, right? You’re no different than the rest of us. And don’t ever pull that race shit with me again. I find that very offensive. None of us have ever thought of you as anything other than our brother and you know it. Me, especially.”
Shame washed over me. My dreg brothers all had my back. They always had and they always would. Especially Nate. He was right. I might be darker skinned, but he was still my brother.
“Alissa’s right,” he said after another moment of silence. “You should go see Grace. You don’t have to talk about your feelings. Just go be with her. It’s amazing what a woman can do for your soul.”
Was he trying to push me toward Grace? The very idea that he might be doing just that made me want to push back. Made me want to flee. I won’t deny I’m a stubborn ass. I only do what I want to do. The only thing that would push me toward Grace would be giving in to my own weakness, my own desperate craving for her.
Grace helped push the tortured souls aside. Mere thoughts of her helped free me from their constant harassment. And I couldn’t deny I wanted to be around her or that she made me feel good about myself.
And that was dangerous.
I want you.
She’d said that to me, right before I’d pushed her away the other night. No one had ever wanted me before.
I was scared to get close to her. Scared to let her inside. Scared she might make me feel something.
That was why I wouldn’t give in to my craving to be near her. I would resist at all cost. I would stay the hell away from her.
“I doubt she’d see me now.”
Nate was quiet a moment, then asked, “You want to talk about it? I might not be an expert on women, but I know a little more now that I’m in a relationship with Alissa.”
Not really.
“I’m not…good with feelings.” I sucked in a breath. Had I really said that?
“None of us are,” he murmured. “I think it’s a male trait.”
Our gazes locked and we both chuckled softly.
“Don’t be afraid to care for her,” he urged gently. “Alissa speaks very highly of Grace.” He hesitated, then went on, “I’ve seen the way Grace looks at you. She obviously has feelings for you.”
My heart pounded.
She obviously has feelings for you.
No. It wasn’t possible. I couldn’t even contemplate that. I was a cold bastard. Unlovable. Why would Grace care about an ass like me?
Immediate denial sprang to my lips. “You’re delusional, man. Grace doesn’t have feelings for me. She just wants me in her bed.”
Nate chuckled. “Which means she cares for you, you moron. So why are you resisting? Give her what she wants. Unless you’re not attracted to her.” There was a knowing look in his eye that said he knew otherwise. Of course, he did. As my dreg partner, he experienced my feelings along with me, though not as strongly as I did. He felt what I felt. He knew I wanted her.
I squirmed uncomfortably. Heat spread up my neck and into my face. I could hide my feelings from just about anyone. Except for Nate.
“I’m not good enough for her,” I blurted.
Nate snorted. “I’m sure as hell not good enough for Alissa, and you and I both know that Tracker and Jacob don’t think they’re good enough for their women. In fact, I recall you urging Tracker to go after Jessica to tell her he loved her. Don’t be afraid to open up to Grace. Let her see the real you. I know you put on an outer façade of coldness to keep the world at bay. But I know the real you, man. You deserve to be happy. But you’ll never find happiness if you don’t let someone in.”
An uncomfortable silence stretched. That was easier said than done. I’d never let anyone in before. No one except for Nate.
Nate changed the subject. “I came up here to tell you the other dregs are ready to meet to discuss what to do about the shareholders. We’ve put it off long enough.” He paused a moment, giving me a chance to respond, but I didn’t have anything to say to that. I didn’t want to deal with the shareholders. I just wanted the bastards to go away. The last time I’d tried to take one of them out, I’d died temporarily. “I know you’ve felt alone these past few weeks, but you’re not alone. Just because I have Alissa now doesn’t mean you’re any less important to me. You’re still my best friend. Don’t shut me out.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, either. He was right and I was ashamed that I’d pushed him away instead of coming to him just because he had Alissa now. Nate would never abandon me, no matter what.
I sighed. “Yeah, man. I know that. Let’s go meet with the others and get it over with.”
We turned and headed back into the maze. Nate was right that it was time to deal with the shareholders. We couldn’t hide down here forever. If we ever wanted our freedom, we had to take The Company down.
All of them.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Grace
Darcy stayed with me for four days. She’d confided that she’d been raped and beaten by Enrique’s thugs, and that she knew they’d done it to punish her. She’d said something about a company wanting to make her pay for what she’d done, and that they’d used the gangs to get back at her. I didn’t ask what she meant by any of that. It was none of my business. I may be a cop, but I had no jurisdiction in Augusta. I couldn’t fight the gangs, but I could give Darcy a place to stay while she healed, and companionship and understanding so she didn’t feel so alone after her ordeal. When I’d asked her if she had any family to call, she’d said, “They don’t care about me.”
Alissa warned me not to trust Darcy, that she’d tried to blackmail the dregs, and that she might bring danger to my door. I took her warning to heart. I sensed a wiliness in Darcy, a deception that made me wary. I had a feeling she wasn’t what she seemed. And though I was happy to help her recover so she could go back to her life, I was cautious around her. Careful not to let my guard down
. I even found myself sleeping with my Glock under my pillow at night because I didn’t trust Darcy not to try something. I was anxious for her to get better and move on. I wouldn’t be able to relax until she left.
One night, we watched a movie on the couch together, and she opened up to me, told me she was a scientist and that her father had passed away a few months ago. She said she had half-brothers, but that she wasn’t close to any of them. Then she’d asked me how I knew the dregs. I admitted I didn’t know much about them, just that they’d been willing to try to help me find my foster daughters. Then she’d started probing about Tony, saying that even a blind person could see the attraction between us. That made me suspicious. She was obviously after something. I told her I didn’t know much about him and that I had no idea where he lived or if I’d see him again. She’d seemed a bit disappointed, as if she’d hoped I would tell her where to find him. Though I didn’t know much about Tony, I would never betray him. Darcy had stopped questioning me about Tony and the other dregs after that, and we’d talked about other things.
Darcy left on the morning of the fifth day, heading back to her place in Atlanta. She thanked me for helping her out and giving her a place to stay. Her spirit had been broken, and I couldn’t help but feel pity toward her. Despite that, she was already recovering from her ordeal. She wasn’t as fragile as she seemed. I wished Darcy luck, and breathed a sigh of relief once she was gone.
My apartment was now empty except for me. I had no foster kids to look after, no abused woman to take under my wing, and no lover to keep me warm at night. I imagined Tony staying with me, heating up the sheets, whispering Spanish love words while he made love to me over and over. But it was nothing more than fantasy.
I didn’t want to admit that I missed Tony, but the truth was, I did. I missed our verbal sparring and the constant battle of wills. I missed the way lust sparked between us whenever he was near. I missed the way he focused those dark eyes on me, making me tingle deep inside, making me want to squirm under that intense stare.
It had now been a week since the night he’d left. I’d never met a man quite like him before. He was tough. Harsh. Sometimes cold. Sometimes passionate. Undoubtedly dangerous. And so damn mysterious. If my da and my brothers ever met him, they would say I’d finally met my match. A man like Tony would never let a woman walk all over him. A woman like me would never let a man walk all over her. We were both strong, independent people who knew what we wanted and went after it with fierce determination. Or at least, I did.
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